New to Boards - Long Time CPTSD sufferer

[Wild Mater]

Hello -

So happy to have found this board.  I have been looking for support and found little in my area.  I am hoping that this will be what I am looking for. 

I have a long history of abuse during my childhood, age 8 to age 16.  I am currently in a marriage that has become verbally and emotionally abusive.  We are both in counseling separately and I have been attending a support group by myself at the women's shelter.  I am trying to sort out old vs. new CPTSD symptoms and isolate issues and triggers that I need to work on.  It is very confusing right now, as I have a 25 year relationship to think back on (married for 20 years).  I am currently experiencing quite a few symptoms.  I had major depression and was able to pull through with medication.  It is like waking up from a fog.  I find myself thinking "how did I get here?," quite a lot. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Wild Mater and welcome to OOTS      It does sound like you are coming out of the fog and  it's not a bad thing, but it can feel that way at first.  Do you have any thoughts about whether you want to deal with your present abuse or your past? Or perhaps both?  That might be a place to start considering your options.

And do you see a therapist at all? Reaching out here is a great start and getting some therapeutic support is another good step forward in recovery.

Members here are very supportive so you'll likely feel comfortable in no time - keep on posting 

[chiraheally]

I find myself thinking "how did I get here?," quite a lot.

That is a question I suspect we all relate to!!!!  It is like waking up to reality and nearly wishing you could scuttle back into denial again but at the same time relieved that you woke up finally....

I wish you so much strength and look forward to hearing about your journey.  I just posted for the first time yesterday so we have come here at the same time.  Isn't the warmth here such a relief, like coming indoors again after being out in the snow?!   

Have been thinking alot about what 'support' means for me.  What does it mean for you?  I know that the replies I received to my post were like a balm for my soul, it felt so healing that a couple of people I do not know took the time to write something kind. 

Anyway, till the next contact, take care and good luck on your process, hope your counsellor is empowering and the support group meets your needs.  And that here we both find what we need!



Chira

[Kizzie]

Hi Again WM - sorry I just realized I didn't explain very well what I mean about working on what and where and when   

Our sister site Out of the Fog is for people who have someone in their lives (past or present)--sometimes more than one -- who have a personality disorder (PD) .  I don't know if your childhood abuser(s) or H have a PD, but if so OOTF can really help to sort out their behaviour (see it for what it is, how it affects you, how to step back and minimize the effects, etc) while here at OOTS you can focus on you and your CPTSD. 

You can certainly be a member of both boards no problem, I just wanted to mention that OOTF is available.  If you do want to check OOTF out, there's a button at the top of the page that will take you right there. 

   

[Wild Mater]

Thank you for the kind words.

I guess I am working on both past and current abuse.  I think that I have behaviors unresolved from childhood abuse that have allowed the current abuse to happen.  My childhood involved physical and sexual abuse by 2 different men, emotional abuse and emotional abandonment by my mother, rape by a boyfriend, and 3 days for which I have no memory but feel certain something horrendous happened involving one or both of the men that abused me. 

I suffered from advanced stage 3 Endometriosis for nearly 30 years.  I finally had excise surgery about 6 years ago and am no longer in pain.  The recover was not smooth.  It took more than 3 years for my hormones to even out. 

My husband has some control and anger issues.  I recently read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by P. Evans and felt like someone finally understood what I was going through. 

The support group at the women's shelter is helping me identify survival coping mechanisms that are unhealthy.  I am working hard to identify triggers and untangle my responses to the triggers.  It is very confusing.  I fear the list will be endless, because of so many years of trauma. 

As far as what support means to me, I have no idea.  I have a few close childhood friends that I still talk with and are supportive (my chosen family).  I have been in and out of counseling many times over the years with mixed results.  My biggest issue with counseling has been not being diagnosed with CPTSD.  I had one counselor tell me that they didn't know why I was in counseling and couldn't help me.  I diagnosed my self eventually and told the last counselor I had a diagnosis on the first visit.  It would have been helpful at some point along my journey for one counselor to say, "You have PTSD.  Lets talk about what that means."  I have to admit that part of my issues stem from being really good at hiding my pain and acting like everything is fine.  Some lessons are too well learned - "Don't show the enemy weakness or they will use it against you."  "Don't talk about abuse, not like anyone will believe you anyway."  "I am alone, because no one else can emotionally/cognitively handle my reality." 

What is support, what does that look like, and how to I ask for it?  That is a big question that I am trying to answer myself.

[Trees]

"I am alone, because no one else can emotionally/cognitively handle my reality." 

What is support, what does that look like, and how to I ask for it? 

Welcome Wild Mater.  That kind of aloneness, those kinds of questions, sound so familiar to me.  I am constantly surprised on this site to read the thoughts of others that seem so similar to mine.  For me, that has been wonderfully comforting.

I hope you will find comfort here, and wisdom.  There are many wise people here.   

[Kizzie]

"I am alone, because no one else can emotionally/cognitively handle my reality." 

Thanks for sharing more about yourself and all that you have endured and continue to struggle with.  You are not alone any longer. We do really get it and we can handle what you have to say because we have lived it and live it now.  You don't have to hide your pain here and you don't have to act like nothing is wrong because we know the energy and resources it takes to pretend, to hide, to deny, and we understand how much we need that energy to recover instead.

It's wonderful that you do have some close childhood friendships, it's so common for us to struggle with lasting, close relationships so that's really positive that you managed to maintain them.     The support here is warm and welcoming and you can count on it as well     And you have the support group at the women's shelter so you are not alone with all of this now 

I should mention I also went to many therapists over the years and not one came up with CPTSD or even PTSD until a few years ago when I had read about it, asked a new T I was seeing what she though, and she confirmed it (although I knew without a doubt CPTSD was the right diagnosis the minute I read about it). One book that many of us find helpful is Pete Walker's "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving."  His site is here if you want to see what his writing is like as there are quite a few articles for download- http://www.pete-walker.com/.  He has CPTSD and is a therapist so he sees things from the inside out and the outside in so to speak. 

[Wild Mater]

Thank you everyone for the encouragement.  I will be able to check out the rest of the board soon.