Loud Inner Critic (triggers for sharing inner critic well... criticisms)

[kdke]

I feel myself kind of going through a low period right now, and it started a couple of weeks ago. I've gotten better and seeing the signs that I'm stressed: increased distractions, hyperfocused on my own mental illness, getting triggered more easily. I'm just on edge. I know why I'm stressed but it still sucks.

One of the things that really made me somber was reading more deeply about cPTSD and the effects on one's character it can have. I'm like... a textbook cPTSD sufferer. It's like reading about my own life.

But it's been hard to accept, as I have a very loud inner critic that likes to make me doubt my own illness. Like, "You're only looking for a way to excuse your own &*^%$ behavior. You're just a narcissistic ^&%$ like your mother and grandmother. You're a mess and no one will ever accept you for who you are. You're awful on a visceral level and there's nothing you can do to change it. You're a monster. People can sense that there's something wrong with you. They just tolerate you but secretly regret ever knowing of your existence."

Those are the thoughts I've been dealing with a lot, and they're obviously not true. It's just hard to remember that when they feel like a genuine reflection of reality. But these are clues to my trauma; this is a voice that developed through my childhood and teenage abuse. But yeah... blugh.