betrayal trauma

[Blueberry]

Kizzie mentioned betrayal trauma to another poster on the Adult Onset Board. I didn't want to hijack so writing here. For a few years now I've felt betrayed by my enF. If I delved deeper, I'd find out why but I don't want to rn. Just noting the existence of betrayal trauma in childhood instead.

[sanmagic7]

i think betrayal trauma is completely valid in childhood.  how many of us weren't betrayed in one shape or form by parents, relatives, teachers, or any other authority figures (clergy?) while we were kids?   

my d noted this for me once when i talked about not learning from my folks how to go out into the world and shoulder adult responsibilities.   my mother never taught me how to cook or clean cuz she said i had plenty of time to learn when i was married.  wife2 has spoken about how mothers have let their daughters down by not showing them how to be women.

setting us loose into the world without the knowledge or skills to manage it or ourselves i see as a big betrayal.  this may not be the same as you're thinking about, blueberry, but i believe it's a betrayal nonetheless. 

our parents' jobs are to protect us, but also to teach us how to eventually become kind, caring, responsible adults.   not doing either one sets us up for pain and suffering.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I am glad you noted this. Betrayal trauma is something I have never really been able to name, but reading it several things come to mind. I can't get into it much, but I had a teacher when I was about 12 or 13 that the memories of scream betrayal trauma. I have never been able to voice the affect his actions had on me, and most people would not see them as trauma but this label fits in my head.

[Blueberry]

setting us loose into the world without the knowledge or skills to manage it or ourselves i see as a big betrayal.  this may not be the same as you're thinking about, blueberry, but i believe it's a betrayal nonetheless. 

No, that wasn't quite what I was thinking, though you're right it is betrayal too. Also a form of neglect.

What enF did and I see as betrayal was: appear to support me emotionally and then go behind my back and either support somebody else instead like B1 or else make fun of me with this person. Or maybe both.
That's enough on this topic for today. 

[sanmagic7]

ok, got it, blueberry.  yeah, definitely betrayal.  i know this not so much in childhood, but from husbands, siblings, friends, and my first therapist.  that kind of stuff - appearing to support you, have good intentions toward you then turning on you or going behind your back - is definitely traumatic, altho i never really thought about it like that before.  makes perfect sense, tho.

ugh, ugly stuff.  yeah, enough for today.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

What enF did and I see as betrayal was: appear to support me emotionally and then go behind my back and either support somebody else instead like B1 or else make fun of me with this person.

Two years ago in the aftermath of Horrendous FOO Event, I begged enF not to make fun of me in front of SIL2 because that would just show her that nobody in FOO is on my side and that she can slag me off as she likes. enF promised to try his very best not to.

It occurred to me today - imagine having to ask a close family mbr not to make fun of you in front of other people!! Even my parents knew - in fact all the adults in FOO knew - that I'd had a breakdown, that I was in a pretty bad state and that I was leaving FOO Event a week early and that it certainly had to do with SIL2. And imagine your parent having to try his best not to. He was honest, I suppose that's one thing. He didn't say "Of course not!! How did you come up with that idea??" But still, imagine having to try so hard not to make fun of your own daughter in an emergency situation. (And then still wondering now why she doesn't want contact  ) 

One of the reasons enF makes fun of people is to cover up his own emotions. Maybe if he didn't make fun of me, he'd catch the odd glimpse of what things are like for me or see his role in it. He probably couldn't handle that. But I have to handle what I've been given by FOO so I'm not feeling sorry for him. I'm done with that.

[Sceal]

I love what you say when you are expressing that you are done with his behaviour!

[Libby183]

Absolutely,  Blueberry.

I've said it so many times,  but I think our FOO experiences were very similar.  My enF acted just like you describe.  His is a crime of utter betrayal,  as opposed to mothers' crimes of utter abuse and denial.

My recent,  brief interaction with them brought their crimes into such focus, that I am letting go off any pity for them. Fathers' crimes are probably the worse of the two and were covered up at all times by his making fun of me.

My proof is my sons - from an early age, despite their special needs,  they sensed this and spoke out. They were rejected by my parents, who still can't understand why my sons don't like them.

Betrayal like this yet another trauma,  but at least we see it for what it is!

Strength to you, Blueberry! 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal and Libby for commenting Libby it's quite OK to mention again that our FOOs sound similar. That's a validation for me.

[Contessa]

setting us loose into the world without the knowledge or skills to manage it or ourselves i see as a big betrayal.  this may not be the same as you're thinking about, blueberry, but i believe it's a betrayal nonetheless. 

No, that wasn't quite what I was thinking, though you're right it is betrayal too. Also a form of neglect.

What enF did and I see as betrayal was: appear to support me emotionally and then go behind my back and either support somebody else instead like B1 or else make fun of me with this person. Or maybe both.
That's enough on this topic for today.

Another for a familiar FOO.

It's been a lot of hard work, trial and error, spending hard earned money, figuring out all of this life stuff out when simple guidance from family would have made navigating life that much smoother.

And then the talking behind you back... yes not going to get started.

Very difficult reaching adulthood not knowing who you truly are, and not knowing the first thing about how to find out.

[WoundedEagle]

Betrayal is a big topic. I feel my father did betray me because he never fathered me and expressed hostility instead of love. My mother gave me love but let me down in preparing me for being an adult. She didn't teach me to take care of myself fully and once I hit adulthood I was not prepared for the responsibility it took.

I have forgiven both my parents and they have both passed on. But I am left continuing to working on healing myself. My recently finding Complex PTSD has been helpful to that end.

I believe we are all in one way or another to varying degrees hurt children.

I try to remember that and it helps me feel more kind to a world that seems ever more hostile.