Snook's recovery journal

[Snookiebookie]

I thought that this would be beneficial.  To have some kind of journal going.  If nothing else, but to dump those thoughts and feelings somewhere.

Background

I have been bouncing around the mental health system in the UK for 23 years.  After several bouts of therapy and CBT I am just realizing that it could be trauma at the root.  I had a emotionally and mentally abusing father and I was often witness to, and occasionally a victim of physical domestic violence.  I have always found relationships difficult.  I adored my mother, but she left when I was 16 (leaving me with my father).  I made my own way for a long time, but when I was in my mid twenties I moved back to live with her. 

As mothers do, she disapproved of some things I did.  I don't dress properly.  My hair isn't right.  I need to loose weight.  etc..... And when I used to dress a Goth or Rock Chic in my late teens! OMG she was not happy. 

Things became worse when my daughter was born, and then I could not do anything right.  When she looked after my daughter she would let her do anything! She would not make her do the things that she should do - brush her teeth, eat her greens, go to bed etc....   I understand all grandparents are like that, but she would tell me off when I made her do those things.  Telling me I was strict!  She made me feel a bad person and an awful mother.

My daughter soon learned to manipulate the situation - and as she grew up she would look to my mum for support.    My husband would often ignore all of this - and tell me that I should ignore it too.

One day I caught my mum actually lying just so my daughter got her way.  Then for the first time, I realised that I was not in the wrong.  I was being manipulated. 

A symptom of all this upset and trauma is that I am easily intimidated and overwhelmed.  I struggle to cope at work and have moved from job to job.   I always feel that I am running away though.

[Snookiebookie]

Day 1.

Today has been quite stressful - but I have survived!

I have been unhappy at work for many years.  There is a lot of emotional baggage and history there.  I have been offered another job.  However, I was waiting to hear some further information before I made my decision. 

As I had had an informal chat with my employer on Friday, they knew that I was thinking of leaving.  I was supposed to speak with my boss today.     However, as luck would have it he had to leave urgently - phew! 

I have now accepted the new job.  I have also left a voicemail message for my boss (as he was not available) and I have emailed him.  That was a really nerve racking phone call to make.  He has just texted me to confirm he has received my message.  He will call me later. 

This in itself is exhausting......However, it has been a big day too as I had my first appointment with the psychology team.

I had to go through my history with the psych team.  Explaining how I feel, what triggers me.  I described some situations from the past - and lo and behold I felt all the emotions again.  The appointment lasted about an hour.  It was very intense. 

I also know that tonight, whilst I sleep, I will replay the conversations in my head.  I am likely to wake up in a cold sweat and cringing a the thought of what I said etc. 

I have at least another 3 appointments to go.  And hopefully I will have the offer of some treatment at the end of it.....although there will be another waiting list.....

Thanks for listening

Snook

[Snookiebookie]

Well, my boss has accepted my notice.  But I noticed he made a big point of saying that "If someone goes as far as getting another job, their intentions are clear".  He clarified this by saying that he wouldn't dream of trying to convince me to stay. 

I am kinda disappointed and kinda relieved.  I was disappointed as it would have been a good ego massage and also would have made me feel smug (if only temporarily).  However, I am also kinda relieved because it means I don't need to convince anyone why I am leaving. I don't have to justify myself to anyone.

I am feeling all unsettled, as I am replaying all of the bad things that have happened in the work environment in my 30 years at work.  That's a very long time, so it stands to reason that there will be a few things that have gone awry and mistakes made.  My logical side tells me that I should be happy that there are less problems than there could be.  But my emotional/irrational side just goes into overdrive and tells me how rubbish, useless and bad I am. 

Is it possible to have more than one inner critic?  I can't see why not.  So all those negative voices of people who have hassled me are speaking at once now.  No wonder it's very loud in my head at the moment.  My inner critic voice from my mum was loud this afternoon - but I just told her to shut her bitter and twisted mouth.  Her "input" was not needed. 

I know that over the next month I will doubt myself and those voices will be very loud.  I need to allow them to wash over me.  I need to practice thought diffusion!

[sanmagic7]

thought diffusion sounds like a great way to go, snookie.  i like that.  i totally believe there is more than one inner critic - how many critical voices have we heard in real life over the years?  tons!

good luck with your new job.  what your boss said sounded like a 'jab' to me, coming from a personal agenda.  a lot of bosses don't like the fact that we move on, and can take it personally.  sounds to me like you're doing a good thing for yourself.  and, i highly doubt you've been rubbish if you've kept the job for 30 years!

so, best to you on a new adventure.  that's how i see changing jobs after such a long run - a new adventure.  i hope you can continue to take good care of yourself while you make this transition.    love and hugs, sweetie.

[Snookiebookie]

Hi Sans.

Thanks for your comments and support.

I've 'only' worked there for 10 years, but I've been working for a total of 30 years.  However, I still suffer from Imposter Syndrome and I am constantly doubting myself and am convinced that I'm about to be fired.

Many thanks x

[Snookiebookie]

Feeling triggered today.

It's just one of those days.  First I became quite tearful thinking about my cat who had been put down earlier this year.  She'd been with me for 15 years and was more like a dog in the way she always kept me company.  I miss her enormously.  When I remembered her this morning I started to feel a bit "why me" and that bad stuff always happens to me.

Work was a bit boring and now I know that I'm leaving I have lost interest. However, I am becoming quite overwhelmed by perfectionism. The thought of someone coming across something that's wrong, even after I have gone, is quite upsetting.  But equally the thought of someone doing a better job than me after I leave is also upsetting. 

When I got home I intended to send an email to my new employer to let them know that I am still waiting for confirmation of my leaving date.  You know just let them know that I will be speaking to my direct supervisor when she returns from leave on Tuesday.  I did have a conversation with the Head boss on Tuesday and he verbally agreed a date. But I asked for in writing, which he hasn't done

When I checked my emails my new employer they'd emailed me for an update.I instantly felt embarrassed.  I then beat myself for not contacting them earlier. Then I started to imagine that they'd be judging what kind of worker I am.  They would think that I won't be a proactive worker who gets things done (something they asked about in the interview). This is because I know I could have contacted earlier to bring them up to speed.

I emailed my current boss - even though I know he will ignore me (and btw he has). I then emailed my new employer and told them that I'd indicted in my letter of resignation that my last day would be 29th June. I also explained the head boss had agreed this verbally but not yet in writing, but that I have chased him. I also explained that I would be taking the issue up with my direct supervisor on Tuesday, when she is back from leave.

I'm still fretting that they'll think I've not done enough. I've tried to reason that I've made it clear that I've calculated an end date. I've also discussed it with management. I've also chased management. Also I've made it clear that I have another plan of action, and given an indication as to when I will take that action.  Also, my new employer can see that I should be free from July. 

I've not heard from my new employer. I'd have expected a "thank you, please keep me informed" or"okay".

I'm also fuming at my current employer!  They're useless. Or more specifically my head boss is rubbish. And by not confirming s simple thing, he's made me look inept. But he's ALWAYS like this, v and that's one of the reasons I'm leaving.

I'm also starting to imagine what is going to be like working with new people. I feel intimidated.

So, all in all, lots of intense and painful emotions.....

I'm having a very quiet night tonight. Thank heavens!

[sanmagic7]

going to a new job, new responsibilities, new people - yeah, it's a lot. 

sounds like you and i are starting a new phase of our lives on the same day - i'm moving on the 29th to a new house, new city, with my d as my roommate.  we're flying by the seat of our pants, just playing it by ear.  it's definitely a transition, and will take some time to settle in, just like with a new job. 

i hear you with all the stress and tension about such a big transition.  the waiting is the hardest. 

keep taking care of you the best you can, ok?  i'll do the same.  we'll be waiting together.   love and hugs, snookie.

[Snookiebookie]

San,

Thank you x

Yes, were both on new journeys.  And that can be scary as well as refreshing.  At least we know we've got support here. 

I wish you all the best in your journey too x

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  we'll do this together.  you're right about having support here.  it will be enough.   love and hugs to you.

[Snookiebookie]

Well, today was day 2 of my psych assessment.

It was more upsetting and distressing than last week.  The psychologist commented and asked more questions this week.  She did say that it seems that all the issues are down to relationships.  I am not sure of the implications of this.

We are having one more session to discuss my history and one after that to discuss where to go from there.  So at least I am getting there, but I am worried she will just say that I need to be a stronger person.  That the way I am is the problem.  I am jumping to conclusions though.  But one thing to take from this, she has not contradicted me or made me feel bad.  I do feel valid, if not not validated.

[Snookiebookie]

Phew! A bit of a full on day. Feeling a bit triggered/overstimulated.

Well first, my current work had announced by global email that I'm leaving. This instantly set of my anxiety, worrying what people were thinking or saying. 

Thankfully, I received a small rash of emails wishing me good luck and praising me for all the work I'd done.  This set off a flood of emotional reactions.  It felt pleasant for these nice things to be said, but part of me felt it couldn't relate to me. I was also sad that things are at an end.

Then I thought I'd try and organise a leaving do.  I always think that no-one will turn up.  I felt nervous about sending out an email.  Again, there were mixed emotions.  Some replies  were very complimentary and expressed how much they'd miss me and that they'd love to come. Others simply ignored me or had excuses.  So, it was intense and conflicting emotions.

I had to call in to my new employer to collect my contract and have my photo taken for the website.  I was shown around the office and met some future collegues.  It made me realise what it is going to be like when I start there. I'm going to feel an intense uncomfortable feeling for a while. My social anxiety will kick off.

Then I had to queue with three other future colleagues to have my photo taken.  They were nice enough and made small talk.  I actually handled it well, and kept the conversation going. But I was glad when the experience was over.

Having my picture taken was awful. I had been feeling pretty good about myself.... Until I saw the photos. Then the inner critic had a field day. I'm old, terrible skin, fat faced, shiny faced etc.  Thankfully the photographer allowed me to have some more shots taken.  And there were a couple that were acceptable.  I did take solace from the fact that I'd noticed a couple of the other ladies preening themselves, wanting extra shots or wanting privacy for their pictures. So, they obviously felt uncomfortable too.

I was totally washed out and forgot a could of errands in the afternoon. That's totally not like me. 

I've tried to look at the positives. I handled myself well and recognised when my inner critic was in overdrive etc.  I forgave myself for forgetting my errands. I now intend to have a peaceful and relaxing evening to calm down.

[sanmagic7]

well done.     

[Snookiebookie]

Thank you San x

[Snookiebookie]

I had my counselling session this week. I only have a session once a fortnight (it's all I can afford).

My therapist was very supportive. She thinks that my current employer had the opportunity to make me feel valued, but like so many people in my life, they let me down. But worse than that, they've made me feel that I'm in the wrong.

She also thinks that I've been made to feel valued and wanted by my new employer.  I'm hoping this is the start of something positive.

I also explained how it felt when Is called in to my new employer.  I felt supremely confident at my old work, but very scared and overwhelmed at my new work.  She thinks the contrast of these feelings are my adult self versus my inner child. I was my adult self at my old work. But when I entered my new work place, which was unfamiliar and frightening she says that it was my inner child who felt scared. 

I think she is correct.  I need to do some work and research on this.  I am vaguely aware of having to re-parent myself. My mum and dad were never there when I entered scary situations.  I never learned how to deal with that intense emotions.

My therapist had suggested that it's okay to feel overwhelmed and nervous. I feel that I have to appear in charge and confident, but she's suggested it's okay to be nervous in a new job.

[sanmagic7]

i have to agree with your t on this, snookie.  i think the very act of being in a new job can be nerve wracking, and that it's normal to feel nervous about it.  i don't know of anyone who hasn't.   even changing positions in the same company can bring on the nerves.

re-parenting can be very soothing and calming.  if your folks weren't there for you during new and scary situations, it stands to reason that your little you would have difficulty negotiating those feelings.  i hope you can talk to and reassure little you that it'll be ok, that your adult you will be there and take care of the situation, and that it's very common to be nervous in the beginning, that things will change over time. 

best to you, and i have no doubt that you'll come out on top of this shortly.  sending love and a hug filled with reassurance and calm.