Snook's recovery journal

[Snookiebookie]

 

Well I feel, well... Dazed.

We've had workmen in . And I've been fretting that they damage something, or hit a major problem, or something. Then I worried about paying them in cash. I'm now worrying that there'll be a problem with their work. I'm also fretting as the alarm needs connecting back up. What if it doesn't work, or that workman let's me down.

I had my third and final assessment with the psych team yesterday.  I've been discharged.  That's unsettling.

Basically, they could only offer me 9 sessions of therapy.  Compared to 46 years of trauma.  So I declined. I'm having counselling and have done for almost a year. 9 sessions on the NHS will do little.

I was hoping for a diagnosis. She did confirm it's not a personality disorders but due to the emotional trauma. So that's something.

I can't help feeling pathetic though. I'm not fully functioning, but not disordered enough to require any further treatment. 

I also felt she was over simplyfying the situation. My other T seems to get it and understand.

Feeling very overwhelmed. Trying to make sense of my emotions right now. 

As I said 

[sanmagic7]

it's not you, snook.  it's the system.  these people don't have the proper understanding of what chronic trauma brings into our lives, how it causes changes in our perceptions and perspectives against our will.  over-simplifying the situation about sums it up.  i'm very sure that's exactly what was going on.

i'm glad you have a t who gets it and understands.  once again, it's not you.  if it was, that t wouldn't understand, either.  it's this beast, cunning and conniving.  sinister.  it makes us doubt our very worth, and sends us spinning, just like your emoji's show. 

hang tough, sweetie.  we're here with you.  i give you credit for going thru the assessment, even if it didn't give you satisfaction.  at least you have a better idea of where you stand with their system.  you have plenty to be diagnosed for - that's on them, not you.  sending a warm, comforting hug and lots of love.

[Snookiebookie]

As ever, many thanks to you San.  Much love to you.

[Snookiebookie]

Well, do you know what?  I really don't like people!!!   

I am on count down to leaving my current job.  I cannot wait to be away from all of the politics and BS!  I also hope to be leaving behind a load of emotional baggage (mainly consisting of shame!).  Yet I just feel that people are determined to make me feel bad and be negative about it.

One of my work mates, who I consider a friend, seems a bit more stand off-ish.  So that is not great.  She is still banging on about what she is doing every minute of the day!  In my opinion she has very little to do, and justifies her existence by talking about what she has done.  I have 6 days left to work there, why would I be interested in what she is doing?  She does not seem interested what is going to happen to my work when I am gone.  She just seems totally oblivious to the fact.

Then another colleague does not want to come to my leaving do, because of the football match next week.  But instead of asking me if I can rearrange to another day, he got another colleague to ask me (whats that all about?).  Now I am absolutely petrified that I am gonna look stupid because no one will want to come.    I cannot really do a different day and part of me thinks 'why should I?'

Another colleague decided to tell me about his wife, and how she is worse off for moving jobs.  Great.  Thanks!

And finally, management just have been ignoring me. 

So all in all I am quite triggered.   

The silver lining to all of this .....when I feel out of my depth at my new job, or feel out of place, then I can remember all of the above, to remind me why I moved.

[sanmagic7]

geez. snook, what a bunch of goofballs!  no wonder you're looking forward to leaving!

whatever happens with your 'do', i'm thinking that if you can throw it for yourself, you've already done good.  if anyone else wants to join you, that's up to them, and welcome, but first and foremost, this is for you.  that way you know the guest of honor is there and enjoying it.  and, isn't that the point?  i think yes.  plus you can use it to put closure on everything for yourself as well.  let the rest of them eat cake!  so to speak.

since i'm also moving out of what i've discovered is a snake pit in less that 2 weeks, i'm right there beside you.  looking forward to shaking their dust off my feet as i go out the door.  i know there will be some upheaval, some struggles, before settling in at our new place, but in the long run, it will be much better.

best to you with all this.  i hope you can keep your focus where it's best for you.  it sounds like you're surrounded by some highly insensitive people, and i'm glad you're getting out of there.  5 more days.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Snookiebookie]

Thanks again xxx

There are so many echoes of the past at play here.  I know I'm not wrong, but I'm ignored, overlooked, treated as if I'm always making issues, or people react as if I'm out of order.  It's gut wrenching experiencing all this, but still knowing I'm not wrong. This is so like my parents! 

Your words of support mean so much.  Sending you hugs back xx

[Snookiebookie]

Well today was a bit better.  In fact I manage to function quite well and made progress at work.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated at work being blinkered and never getting anywhere.  One of the main reasons that I am leaving.  I still am having conversations that I had 8, 9, 10 years ago! 

I was chatting to a colleague about what will happen to my work when I leave.  It's been said that initially they will have to cope.  This makes absolutely no sense as people are already covering people who are on maternity leave and on annual leave.  They're stretched so thinly now!!!  I scan deal with this frustration as I know that at the end of next week all that will go!

However, someone has told me that they are thinking of replacing me (but not immediately).  That caused an emotional reaction in me.  It stands to reason that someone else will do my work. So why the reaction?

I'm thinking there are two reasons.  First I am worried that someone will find a mistake.  But secondly I am worried that they will do better than me. This would make me feel very sad.  It would be an echo of all those times I've been told/made to feel that I am no good enough, that I'm inadequate.  That second reason is quite triggering.

I don't really wish them to fail, but I'd they cope it'll make me feel useless or not unique.

For the last four years my identity has been they way I do my job. That I juggle a lot and things move smoothly. If someone else did that I don't know how I am.

So thats what I'm feeling. What about offsetting those feelings?  Well, maybe I just need to focus on doing my new job?

[sanmagic7]

maybe that's exactly what you need to do, snook.  putting that old job in the past, leaving it behind can take some doing.  when they replace you, that person will never be able to do your job in quite the same way you did.  the way you did it was your way, and you made it work, worthwhile, and special in its/your own way.  no one can match that.

however, it won't be your job anymore, and someone else will have to find a way to make it theirs.  the circle of life, right?  just like you're going to your new job, some type of work that was done by others before you.  you'll make it your own in your own inimitable way, and you can take pride in how you do it.  i love how we continue to get chances to start over.

you may need to grieve your old job and everything that's attached to it, including your feelings of self-worth, uniqueness, and expertise with it.  every change contains both a gain and a loss, and those losses deserve to be mourned in order for us to move into the gain and become one with it on its own merit.

these last few days i would expect to be fraught with stress, various feelings, and emotions, making you feel a bit messy about the whole thing at times.  you'll get thru it, of that i have no doubt.  love and hugs to you, snook.

[Snookiebookie]

I've been out of sorts. Not feeling quite right at work. And this is understandable, as I only have one week left until I leave.

One of the people who I work for said to me today "please don't go".  I just chuckled as I thought she was being funny.  Then she said "No, please don't go.  Who will do the things that you do.  It'll all get messed up".

It hit me then.  No one else has said anything like that to me.  And this makes me feel unimportant, not needed, useless.  That's what's been unsettling me. That's what's been missing.

I'm sure that they're all probably thinking that they'd rather I stayed.  I am also sure that they're all purposely not telling me this, as they don't want to let on how they do need me.  I also think they are in denial about how much impact it'll have.

But now I've identified why I feel odd, it'll be easier to deal with it.

[sanmagic7]

i'm very glad someone stepped up and said something.  those kinds of things can make all the difference. 

you will be missed, snookie.  love and hugs to you.

[Snookiebookie]

I'm all out of sorts.  I've had a good and enjoyable weekend. But I'm still out of sorts.

There's a couple of reasons for this. First is my hubby and daughter have made me feel totally wrong when I'm not. This is the kind of behaviour my mum used to do to me.  So it sends me scatty.

When out and about on Friday with my daughter we joined a queue. I was watching who was being served, who was milling about and where we were in the queue.  When there was space at the counter I stepped forward. My 14 year old daughter grabbed me and looked absolutely mortified me. She told me that I'd pushed in. I hadn't. I knew we were next. She tutted at me and pointed at some one behind me and said that they were next.  I gentle said to her that they'd just arrived (I'd seen them arrive) and that we now lost our place, and that they could speak up for themselves if I'd accidentally pushed in.

What bothered me so much, is that she was convinced that I was in the wrong. There was no way that it was the other people. Of course it had to be me. In addition, I was not allowed to get it wrong, even accidentally! My husband does this particular thing to me all the time!!

Then hubby annoyed the day after. We've had new doors fitted. They're supposed to be more secure. Only I have trouble locking the front door. When I check if it's locked, I realise it's not.  So I try a second time, and it works. I'm concerned about this. We've paid a lot of money. But instead of being worried too, he comes out with a list of why it's something I'm doing wrong. I'm turning the handle too hard, too fast. This makes me feel foolish. I feel incapable. It triggers me. To my mind, the door should just lock. There should be no special technique. I should just lift the handle and turn the key. I shouldn't need to turn fast, stand on one leg or cast a magic spell.  But he's ignoring me. I feel angry.

To him everyone else is right. I'm the only person who's wrong. He'll upset me every time, as opposed to bothering or upsetting someone else. It has to be me.

Then he's out all day on Sunday (cycling fun 5am to 3pm).  Then he's on his phone whilst watching football. Whilst my daughter and I want to go out for tea.  So now I feel unimportant. And invisible. And when we out, he hardly speaks because he's shattered. And my daughter is just being  arguementative and contrary. Telling me how everyone likes her!

And then this morning, I find odd fragments of unhappy memories popping into my head. I usually don't suffer with this. And if I do it's only one memory which might be related to what I'm going through at that time. I usually just experience EF really. So this was very odd, for random memories to happen.

I think the memories are because next week in starting my new job? My anxiety is very high. And with my family being difficult this weekend, I'm very sensitive.

[sanmagic7]

that just sucks that they make you feel like that, snook.  it really does.  i've had similar experiences, so can relate to how mortifying it can feel, even when we know we did nothing untoward. 

my hub has done that to me on numerous occasions, especially when we've been out in public.  his solution was for me just to let it go (not make a scene) and we'd discuss it when we got home.   well, by then, the whole thing was over, there wasn't time, and it just got brushed under the rug.  yuck!

don't have any advice, just support, love, and a big hug full of compassion. i do hope that some day you can get this sorted out.  fingers crossed.

[Snookiebookie]

San,

Thank you for your support and love. And thank you for your validation too. It means so much to me.

Sending hugs back to you 

[Snookiebookie]

I feel crushed 

It's bound to be a turbulent time. Leaving a job after 10 years.  There are so many negative and toxic people there. 

I was dreading this week, as it is my last. I knew I'd have to interact with a couple of people that have caused me difficulties, pain and have scarred me. 

Yesterday I sat with one of these ladies. It wasn't as bad as I thought but still she made me feel unimportant.  I have done so many positive and constructive things in this role.  It hadn't been done properly for almost two years when I stepped in. There were few documents and absolutely zero training.  I'm leaving it, up to date with all sorts of processes and procedures. There's documentation for everything for the period that I've being doing the job. Whoever takes over from me will find it much easier than I did.

And yet, despite the progress, she didn't even comment once about what I've achieved.  In fact she just pointed out a spelling mistake and asked that I add more information into my notes.

She did thank me for the help of given her over the years. But she didn't say how well I'd done. Or that I'd organised things very well.  Etc.....

And today is my big boss's last day in the office. I leave in Friday. And as I work part time, I have already left for the day.  He didn't even come to say goodbye.  Not even a handshake. Or a "good luck".  That seems pretty pointed to me!  And it hurts.

I have never been his type of person. I accept that. And I'm happy to say that I don't like him or the kind of people he likes.  But what hurts is that I've always tried hard. I've had to be out of my comfort zone on a regular basis due to the kinds of tasks given to me. I've never missed a deadline. I've always got results. I work on my own initiative and am conscientious. And yet he has acted this way.

I really cannot understand it.  Okay, he doesn't have to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but it's just manners to say goodbye.

I try to practice radical acceptance. I know that by questioning things it turns pain into suffering. But at this moment I cannot help wondering "why". Why people just don't seem to like me.  Why people make me feel bad.   I can't help recalling other times people were mean to me. And that makes me feel such a bad person.

To make matters worse, I'm upset at my T. She rescheduled my last appointment two weeks ago. I got an email on Monday wanting to reschedule today's appointment to tomorrow at 3pm too. I replied saying okay, but asking if she had an appointment at 2pm tomorrow instead (but if not then I'd take the 3pm slot).  I also asked which office to go to (she has two sites). I've not had a reply. This is rude and unprofessional. Do I call her out?  Do I assume she's just a bit slack with admin?  Do I ignore it and use my session to discuss the deep hurt I'm feeling? I'm probably do that. I can't face the idea of finding a new T - having to go over everything again! And at the moment this is the most stable thing in my life.

[sanmagic7]

o, snook.

*sigh*.  people can be such buttwipes at times, can't they.  not giving you the recognition you deserve, not saying good-bye, pointing out a spelling error in lieu of praising you for all you've done right - you've been a big service to that office.  you'd think someone would have the common decency to acknowledge that.

i don't think it's you, tho.  i think it's a sign of the times, unfortunately.  there is such a lack of common courtesy, consideration, and caring that i fear for what humanity is going toward.  so the fact that the people you worked with may just be so into themselves that they don't take notice like many of us do.  that's not a reflection of you, your character, or your personality - rather, a reflection of their shallowness and apathy.

i wish the ending could be more congenial, friendlier, and have a more positive ring to it for you.  you've worked hard and contributed a lot.  that it's not recognized is a sign of the toxicity you're leaving behind.

very sorry it couldn't be more pleasant for you, snook.  you've done your best, and it was a wonderful effort.  you'll do your best at your next job, and hopefully will be more appreciated.  sending love and hugs, sweetie.