Snook's recovery journal

[Snookiebookie]

San.

As always, thank you.  Sending you hugs and love and strength for the changes you are facing.   X

[Snookiebookie]

OMG

I'm seething.

I don't want a leaving do. I'm socially anxious.  My hubby and daughter are coming for goodness sake.  I knew it'd be soul crushing and confidence sapping. They're my moral support.

A few people have dropped out. And a few have ignored the invite.  That's to be expected.

But someone had just tried manipulate  me into changing all my arrangements.   She emailed - marked private,  asking if we could meet at the restaurant earlier. She said for personal reasons it would suit her to be home at 8 pm. She even offered to call the restaurant for me.

I'm sure that this is genuine.   And if it was an easy thing to change I would.  I explained that the reason for meeting for a drink first is because I need to travel in tonight, as do others, and I can't be certain we'd all arrive for 5.30. I asked her if she was ok and said I was sending hugs.

She emailed back to point out that we all could leave work at 5.30.  I replied saying I was travelling in (I work part time so have already finished for the day) and three other people  (who aren't in work) have been told to meet between 5.30 and 6.30.

She replied by saying that I should not make any changes just for her.  I wasn't  going to!  And I think she was being passive aggressive anyway. She said she would see what she could do.
I replied by saying thank you.

She then said she'd just come for a drink and skip the meal. This is why arranged the evening in stages, so people could choose which parts they want to take part in.

I'm astonished at how she was trying to get her way.  I felt so pressured and manipulated.   Honestly,  she expects that I'll change all my plans just for her!!

And now I'm gonna hate the evening as It'll bother me just how few people turn up.

I cannot wait for tomorrow to be over!!! My last day at that job.

I wish I never agreed to a leaving do.

[sanmagic7]

you stood your ground with that woman, snook, so well done for that.  i hate it when people do that kind of thing, like what they're doing or their lives are more important.  pooh on that!

i'm glad you're hub and d are coming to be there for you.  a wise decision, i believe.  even if it's only the 3 of you, i hope you all can celebrate a job well done on your part, put closure to this job, and look forward to a new adventure.  i commend your hub and d for being there for you.

as for the rest, well, after tomorrow you'll never have to see them again, right?  let them go on with their petty little lives, while you'll be moving on from all of them.  i'm just sorry this is causing you such concern and consternation.  i really do hope you have a good time in spite of anything.  i'd be there with you if i could.   love and hugs, and hope it goes well.

[Snookiebookie]

San

I love you. You always know what to say and make me feel valid.

So sending you big hugs x

Thank you x

[Snookiebookie]

First day of job

Well, I survived. In fact I did really well. I didn't get scared. I chatted. I smiled.

I had some one to one training. And again I did okay. I made eye contact. I asked questions. I repeated stuff back, so that the trainer knew what I was taking in. I think I understood the processes okay too.

What didn't I like?  He kept jumping from one thing to another. He didn't process things in sequential manner.  He kept adding in bits of information.   Thankfully I did part of the work a few years ago, but slightly differently, do at least I had a vague idea of where all these bits of information fit in.

I also asked him let me do some of the work, with him watching me. I explained this is so he can correct me, or help me if I go wrong or get stuck.  That way I way I learn.  I can't pick it up by just by watching.  I need to do the work, but with guidance.

I'm sitting with someone else tomorrow.  I'm going that will allay my worries.  I'm just worried that they'll just say "get on with it" after tomorrow.  But I'll try and out my point of view across if they do.

[Snookiebookie]

What a difference a day makes!

I felt very despondent yesterday and very overwhelmed.  I woke up and could not sleep.  So I posted here (having a bad day) in panic.

I went back to bed and imagined cuddling my inner child.  It helped and I eventually dozed off again.

I really did not want to go in today.  I even toyed with not going - knowing that they would fire me.  But I knew that would bring much worse consequences - so I forced myself to go!

I sat with a lovely lady this time.  I explained I understood the work, just not the database that they use.  She explained when she was trained on my particular work, she was familiar with the database from her other job there, but it still took 4 days of training.  So I don't feel so bad.

She allowed me to do the work with her guiding me and me making notes.  I processed quite a few forms.  And felt much more confident.

We got chatting and I feel a little more sure as to where this job is going and what it will be like.

Feeling relieved.....

[Snookiebookie]

Well my first week at my new job was okay.  In fact, I did really well.  I had an informal meeting and they're happy.

This week has been a bit tougher.  I am trying to make sense of everything. And it's frustrating as doc that should be saved on the computer aren't there.  Those that should add them are busy and aren't doing this. So I'm slowed by having to have a conversation about it! 

I'm beginning to worry about whether I'm fast enough or progressing enough.  But that is.my anxiety talking.  I've only been doing this for 7 days in all!

I'll see how things pan out tomorrow and think about it then.

At home my D is becoming more distressed at her grandad's distance since he met his new partner.  He's spending less and less time with us (and her).  In the last two years we've lost my mum, my mother in law, my cat of 15 years, and more we're hardly seeing her granddad. On top of which I've changed jobs and she's being sidelined by her friends. It's a lot of changes, for us all, and she's still in her teens.

But as a positive, in my anxiety peer support group I was referred to as a high functioning anxiety sufferer, as something for the rest of the group to aspire to. It was said that my self care routine was quite complex and involved. I think he was saying that I'm pretty accomplished at coping. Although I didn't always feel like I am!

[Snookiebookie]

What a TERRIBLE day. First my therapist cancelled my session at short notice - this is the third time that I have been messed about. I was relying on seeing her to help ground myself.  I was so disappointed.  I even toyed with whether I should find another therapist - but I have had soooo much change recently (well in the last two years really), I am not really sure I could/should do this at the moment.

Then when I arrived at work my PC would not let me on the system. I had to ask for help and in the end ended up sorting out and interim solution to work. But this set me back half an hour.   And I am feeling very annoyed at the problem with documentation - this is really slowing me down.  I believe someone wants to move to an all electronic system - which will help, but in the short term my progress is a bit slowed.  I did speak to the office manager about this and she reminded me I have only been here for a week and half so progress wont be great - and she did confirm that they have no issues with me.

[sanmagic7]

ugh - frustration upon frustration.  what a drag, snook.

hopefully, as you become better acquainted with the new office, its dynamics, politics, and procedures, things will start going more smoothly for you.  however, it also sucks that your t canceled on you again.  such bad timing for you.  i have a grounding stone i keep in my bathroom - it's just a smooth black stone i picked up one day cuz it appealed to me.  since i see it every day, it reminds me about grounding, and that helps.  maybe something like that could work for you in between sessions?  just a thought.

may i encourage you to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  slowly, step by step, we make progress.  sending love and a hug full of calm and comfort to you.

[Snookiebookie]

Thank you San x

[Snookiebookie]

Really did not want to go in today - but forced myself.  I kept telling myself that I had to do some radical acceptance - which kinda helped.  I was instantly bombarded with several requests to sort old work issues, but I managed.  I also tried e-mailing the other people for missing info,which worked a bit better.  Maybe it's harder to actually ignore an e-mail that it is to ignore me asking!  I also managed to avoid comfort eating.  So an all round better day.  I felt useful and worthwhile.

Thanks again San, you are right that it is one foot in front of the other.  And before I know it I will have come a long way x

[Snookiebookie]

Epiphany.....

I've spent my entire life being made to feel that in I'm not good enough by those that I only want to love me.  That's my trauma summed up in one sentence.   But even if I spoke non-stop for the rest of my life, I wouldn't have enough time, or words to express the depth of the pain and damage  I have suffered as a result of the constant emotional harm and neglect that I've endured.  Not to mention the fear of being hurt and damated again.

Knowing what has happened helps (having a narrative). Understanding what happened is the key to shifting the shame (it was not my choice and I did not have control and therfore it's not my fault).  Accepting it happened but that I survived is the key to recovery (I've endured so much, but that has made me strong).

I'm slowly coming to terms with the hurt caused by my loved ones. 

[sanmagic7]

 

that's a great epiphany, snook, and one that i have no doubt will serve you well as you continue your healing.  well done.  love and hugs, sweetie.