Ok i'm gonna do it, i'm gonna say hi. It's a long post, sorry!

[Roe Lee]

Hi everyone,

I've never joined a support group (physical or cyber or anything) so I don't really know how to conduct myself in this situation.

I don't want to use my real name, but you can call me Roe. I come from Asia, but am now living in Europe. I don't want to get into specifics about who i am because i get very 'paranoid' that my mother will find me.

I'm from an emotional and physical abuse background, by my mother to be exact. wow that was hard to type out. I am an only child so her rage is always purely directed at me. I can recount little events that have big impacts, but some of us might find that triggering and I'm not about to unleash my demons onto another person. If you want to find out more about my past, please message me privately (i honestly want to get it out, and i think telling another person what has happened to me might make me feel better).

i guess i have some concerns that really nag at me all the time on my trauma journey:
I've not been medically diagnosed with ptsd/c-ptsd, but my counsellor says she detects severe symptoms and she was shocked at how much i endured as a child and is convinced that i am on the ptsd spectrum. She referred me to a specialist, but he turned out to be very...unhelpful. He did not make me feel safe, he even said i should choose between my sessions or my job if i can't meet the times because "this is a specialist service, so please take it seriously". I didn't appreciate his tone and his arrogance, so I stopped seeing him before we could reach a diagnosis. Then i moved house and got a job and I am suddenly swallowed by life and I have no means/time to get help. I'm feeling like i'm in a slightly better place emotionally, but that's not to say i don't still want a community who understands me.

i also have concerns that (and i know it's not the case) my experiences are 'not as bad' as other people's and my brain is telling me that i 'don't deserve' to be here. I do this quite alot in social settings, always feeling like i 'don't deserve' to be anywhere or 'don't deserve' to talk to someone about something. I hope to be able to find my place within this loving community and hope to prove to myself that i can indeed be 'worthy' of support. So i'm putting myself out here now and reaching out!

My discovery of c-ptsd has really shed some light on habits i picked up over the years. As a child of abuse, i did not realise that some of the things i do are actually symptoms of c-ptsd. They just felt 'normal' to me. Before speaking to my counsellor, i did not realise that what happened to me had this much effect on my adult life. i lived in denial for 23 years as my trauma started from birth. I feel like discovering c-ptsd and hearing from a trained trauma counsellor that my childhood has impacted my adulthood has really opened my eyes.

I hope to find my place here, and learn more about this. Maybe there will come a day when i don't have nightmares anymore and i can love myself again.


All my love,
Roe

[Libby183]

Welcome to you, Roe.

Please be reassured that you belong here and will find support and understanding.

I relate very much to your mention of emotional and physical abuse by your mother. 

Hopefully you will find lots of information and support here,  as I have done.

Hoping to hear more from you, if and when you are ready.

Libby.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi roe
I too relate to all you have said and just want to say that any trauma is a bad trauma no matter how big or little it may seem to you.
I too go through the don't deserve state of things, at the moment I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and punish myself if I do.
You will find this site really helpful and welcoming so feel free to write exactly how you feel, you may want to add a trigger warning if it might trigger other people. On here are my therapy friends and have really helped me out through difficult times.

[Three Roses]

You do deserve to be here - anyone who has been thru the things you (and the rest of us) have been thru deserves healing and support. Pete Walker is any excellent resource, his book "From Surviving To Thriving" and website are invaluable for learning how to cope. Thanks for joining.

[sanmagic7]

so very glad you're here, roe, and welcome.

it's courageous of you to post - i think most of us have been anxious at wondering what and how to say what we need to get out.

i've found this forum to be more helpful, healing, and supportive than any group i've been involved in, whether online or in real life.  i hope you find the same for yourself.

sending a hug if it's ok with you.

[Roe Lee]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for replying me, i don't know how to tag people in replies (i'll learn in time).

You all got me teary eyed at work because i can feel the love and warmth. I knew it was a good thing to join this community! I have so much hope and light in my heart but my trauma has indeed darkened my thoughts and i can't be my True Self on the outside. Typing to people on the internet helps me harvest this inner light i suppose?

I have to admit it'll still be a bit challenging for me to pluck up the courage to speak, but i do feel like i am with like-minded people who have been through the same pain as i have. Thank you again, I really really appreciate the support.

You give me Strength.

[Kizzie]

Welcome Roe, glad you find your way here.  Despite not ever belonging to a forum you seem so comfortable posting which is great to see as so many of us take a while to settle in and become comfortable.    

If you haven't already done so, please read our Member Guidelines so you are aware of what is and is not acceptable here at OOTS. 

I will be following your posts with much interest 

[Roe Lee]

Hi Kizzie,

Yeah i've been craving a community for the longest time. I suppose i'm also quite a keen person irl as well.

I hope my enthusiasm won't be misunderstood and i'll try my best not to come on too strong.

This community is so beautiful. It's hard not to want to jump right in 

[Sceal]

Hi Roe,
I've been reading some of your posts, and I just realized I haven't gotten around to welcoming you to the forum yet!
So, this is just me saying "hello" and Welcome to the forum. I hope you will be able to gain some insights, healing and progress and find some much needed support.  

[alliematt]

Welcome.  And I'll agree with whoever else said that you DO deserve to be here.

[Roe Lee]

Thank you so much for the warm welcome alliematt