Just a big mess (potential trigger)

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LittleBoat

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Just a big mess (potential trigger)
« on: June 05, 2018, 12:30:47 PM »
Does anybody get stuck?  Unable to do anything?  Unable to keep simple tasks straight in your head?  Unable to carry out even the simplest "Activities of Daily Living" without some gnawing dread?   I struggle with Bi-Polar, in addition to C-PTSD, so maybe it's related to that.  But right now, I can't fold laundry, go through piles of old paperwork, organize my poetry (I'm a poet, full time), do banking, go food shopping, go to my writing workshops, take a shower, get dressed.  I feel like I'm just sitting in a big mess.  Each little task reminds me of a bigger, more challenging task that takes me to more challenging realizations:  Money issues, being potentially unsuccessful as a poet, needing to go on Disability and leaving a great career, not having a sense of inner strength, losing a lot of friends.  See?  It gets big really quickly, so I just sit in a big mess, unable to move.

But I think the big mess was what my parents were.  Just a big mess.  No love to give, both extremely abusive, a lot of violence and daily chaos.  I was a good student, always.  But I do remember having trouble keeping paperwork together in my room when I was about 12 or so.  I remember the floor being covered with books and papers and I was just sitting in the middle of all of it, unable to figure out what to do.  My mother stopped by my door, saw the situation, started screaming and pulling at her hair, her face all red.  She was having a fit.  She had these stupid fits, apparently about me, and they really messed with me.  To this day.  But, you know?  The mess on the floor was the mess in my head caused by the mess that was my daily home life.  The mess they caused.  The mess that they were.  This "fit" must be a flashback, because it runs like a movie in my head.  It is very very difficult to separate the mess that was my parents from the mess I perceive in myself and in my current, adult life. 

Does this register with anyone?  Thank you,
LittleBoat


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Blueberry

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Re: Just a big mess (potential trigger)
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2018, 01:13:37 PM »
Does anybody get stuck?  Unable to do anything?  Unable to keep simple tasks straight in your head?  Unable to carry out even the simplest "Activities of Daily Living" without some gnawing dread?   ...  But right now, I can't fold laundry, go through piles of old paperwork, organize my poetry (I'm a poet, full time), do banking, go food shopping, go to my writing workshops, take a shower, get dressed.  I feel like I'm just sitting in a big mess.  Each little task reminds me of a bigger, more challenging task that takes me to more challenging realizations:  Money issues, being potentially unsuccessful as a poet, needing to go on Disability and leaving a great career, not having a sense of inner strength, losing a lot of friends.  See?  It gets big really quickly, so I just sit in a big mess, unable to move.

Sounds very familiar, I just don't have bipolar, that's all. It has got better, I no longer feel stuck for months on end.
Sending  :hug: :hug:  :grouphug: I have to go and do some work for pay myself rn.


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Deep Blue

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Re: Just a big mess (potential trigger)
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2018, 03:08:31 PM »
Hey Littleboat,
Yes this all resonates with me.  I find comfort in the fact that a messy desk is a sign of intelligence.  I am more anal retentive about cleanliness but when I get going, it can look like a tornado has swept through. 

We all have those times Littleboat.  Itís hard to see it sometimes, but it gets better.  Thereís a light at the end of that tunnel.  Keep reaching out when you feel this way.  Self care self care self care is whatís important.  I have found itís the only thing hat can get me out of those EFs.  Please be gentle with yourself.  We are here if you need us. :grouphug: