Core belief and past problems

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Perry1216

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Core belief and past problems
« on: June 05, 2018, 02:49:51 PM »
I struggle in my job due to fear. I have had varied experiences in my job field of teaching.
I have had great experiences and great jobs as well as jobs where I was hazed / bullied by the manager because of some unknown reason. I worked harder and harder and tried to come up to the imagined standard of the manager, but then wound up leaving. My student teaching was a mix of a great beginning, but then the supervisor was awful and mean later, but her and my cooperating teacher both gave me excellent, GLOWING, letters of recommendation, but trashed me at the same moment. How strange and I should have had the confidence to LAUGH AT THEM.

I'm told it was a feat in and of itself to come out of something like that from a sociopath with my reputation intact.
However, I'm still anxious a lot.
When kids make bad decisions, I feel like I'm going to get in trouble or get fired, instead of me just giving a consequence and documenting and moving on.

My psychologist thinks it's overworry because it's not happening here. However, there are all sorts of ways and reasons why schools get rid of teachers. Sometimes it's even that they were at the top of the pay scale and then their program or job gets cut mysteriously.

I just want to keep my job. However, sometimes I get SO FOCUSED on the bad and trying to fix it that I'm consumed by it.
I'm working on this.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?
How do I move forward instead of "filtering" the crazed boundaries from the old bully boss? My coworkers often don't know why I get so wrapped around things that no one is going to yell at me for here.
How and what might you explain to a coworker?
What part of this is paranoia and what part of this is stuff that could happen?

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Rainagain

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Re: Core belief and past problems
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2018, 09:28:04 PM »
You have done well to move away from the bullying environment, very well.

The first step in recovery is getting to a place of safety, maybe you need to explore your new job to make sure it is safe, might take a while to feel confident in that.

I hope the alarm bells from the last job will quieten down over time, just take it slowly.

If you can then work defensively, don't take on responsibilities which aren't yours, don't overwork, just complete your work and avoid becoming entangled in stuff which could harm you.

I think you know all this, you just have to give yourself permission to act on it.

I saw Jordan Peterson on utube mention that if you have a plan the hindbrain tends to calm, it doesn't know or care if the plan is good, just that you have a plan and are acting on it. That felt true to me.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Core belief and past problems
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2018, 09:58:18 PM »
Hey Perry  :wave:
Iím a teacher and have been for 13 years. Putting up those boundaries takes practice but it is very important.  Iím like you, I take student troubles close to my heart.  Iíve had colleagues tell me to let it go, itís the latest fad, donít worry about it..... but the truth is... thatís just not me.  I want to save every kid that walks through my door. 

In the beginning of my career I hadnít learned the balance yet.  Now I know that I need to put myself first. I am a wife, a sister, a mom and a teacher.  My family comes first. I hope this helps you.  Let me know if you have any specific concerns with our field.

Take good care,
Deep Blue

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Perry1216

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Re: Core belief and past problems
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2018, 03:11:47 AM »
You have done well to move away from the bullying environment, very well.

The first step in recovery is getting to a place of safety, maybe you need to explore your new job to make sure it is safe, might take a while to feel confident in that.

I hope the alarm bells from the last job will quieten down over time, just take it slowly.

If you can then work defensively, don't take on responsibilities which aren't yours, don't overwork, just complete your work and avoid becoming entangled in stuff which could harm you.

I think you know all this, you just have to give yourself permission to act on it.

I saw Jordan Peterson on utube mention that if you have a plan the hindbrain tends to calm, it doesn't know or care if the plan is good, just that you have a plan and are acting on it. That felt true to me.

I was threatened and had to leave. I wanted to stay and for a while I tried, but it became clear with the help of a psychologist that it was not a healthy environment. He says get out and get out fast.

I think I still wonder about what could have been.

I had already been so vulnerable with having had been budget cut the year before and found a new job pretty quickly. But I moved away from home to go to the new job. Then it all went to *.

I donít know. I hadnít realized workplace bullying was traumatic. Not in those words. Not like PTSD.

But it kind of is. :-/

Itís definitely impactful.

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Rainagain

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Re: Core belief and past problems
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2018, 08:31:24 AM »
Hi Perry

Workplace bullying is very damaging, I have cptsd because of it.

It took a while but it caused me a lot of damage.

When you wonder about what could have been just tell yourself it could have been even more damaging if you had stayed longer.