Is it fair to name emotional abuse?

[Sadie48]

For the first time, I recently told my PD mother that I needed to heal from her emotional abuse.  I had never used that term with her although I know my sister accused her of the same a few years ago. I guess my question is, is it fair to make an accusation, as opposed to using "I" statements?

Examples of said abuse (trigger warning!):
--Blaming me and my siblings for my father abandoning the family. She specifically told me "He said you would always give me trouble"
--Before the split, asking me to describe my father's girlfriend, who I had seen from afar holding hands with my father.  She didn't protect me from it-- she pumped me for information
--Years after the split, exposing us to a string of inappropriate boyfriends, making out with one in front of me, being scantily clad with others with door open, telling me one of them admired my breasts (I was a teen)
--Telling me to "* off" when I had the temerity to roll my eyes at her
--Saying "you're acting like I traumatized you" after a verbal attack that left me in tears
--When I was an adult, she brought another inappropriate boyfriend to my job to confront me because he felt like I snubbed him

And that's just a sampling!

I know that this is all emotional abuse, and it continues, but since it has never been said out loud, I feel like it's unfair to say it -- to accuse her of it.  Does that make sense?

[sanmagic7]

sadie, thanks for sharing.

personally, i do think it's fair to name emotional abuse.  what you described is definitely abusive, not only emotionally but some of it is also sexual.   it showed a lack of boundaries between parent and child, misplaced blame for adult choices/decisions, and inappropriate conversations to have with one's child.

many people believe that naming the abuse brings it out of the darkness where it festers and grows.  when it's brought into the light, it's a big step toward beginning the healing process.  it took a lot of courage to name your abuse, and i give you a lot of credit for that. 

i hope you will continue to let us be with you on your healing journey.  we're all in this together.   gentle,caring hug to you, sadie.

[LittleBoat]

Yes, it is fair.  My humble opinion.   Trying to use all "I" statements:  "I feel," "This made me feel," might not do much good in the situation you're describing  here, Sadie.  Was your mother "fair"?  Is it "fair" that you feel the need to question yourself in light of the things your mother did?  Is it "fair" that you're questioning yourself, if your mother doesn't question herself?  I think it's great that you confronted your mother directly.  I agree with sanmagic7.  It took guts to confront the abuser outright.  Not many can do so.  And yes, I also believe that now some deeper healing can begin for you.  You've begun to disentangle and disengage from what sounds like a lot of enmeshment.  I wish you all the best, Sadie.  You did good.  All best, LittleBoat

[Sadie48]

Thanks, LittleBoat and sanmagic7 for your responses and insights.  I'm definitely feeling like as long as the abuse remains hidden -- in memory, in one-on-one conversations -- it is impossible to move on and heal.  I don't know if it's a good idea to drudge up behavior from the past, but I have remembered all of it, and it comes to mind when there are present-day reminders/triggers.  I also want to protect my own kids from the next generation of this abuse, and the things that PDmom says and lack of boundaries.  "Abuse" is a potent word; most of my family won't accept it.  But I have such an accumulation of memories and examples, it's undeniable. 

I'll have to do some reading on "enmeshment"...

[Blueberry]

For the first time, I recently told my PD mother that I needed to heal from her emotional abuse.  I had never used that term with her although I know my sister accused her of the same a few years ago. I guess my question is, is it fair to make an accusation, as opposed to using "I" statements?

Examples of said abuse (trigger warning!):
--Blaming me and my siblings for my father abandoning the family. She specifically told me "He said you would always give me trouble"

I'm sorry, Sadie, that's the sort of stuff that went on in my FOO too. Blame someone below you in the pecking order. And those emotional wounds really hurt, especially when you're just a child and can't even see beyond it and then get cptsd.

I think it's fair enough to make an accusation but it's often not helpful for us survivors. In fact the raging backlash can be singularly unhelpful. I even got badly retraumatised once. So if you get backlash later, just come here and tell us. We know about it, we'll continue to validate and support you.

It helps me to get validation here and elsewhere about what happened to me and I've had a lot of therapy to de-fuse emotions. Idk when moving on takes place, probably just bit by bit or wound by wound as the pain heals and emotions are de-fused. 

I think if you remember all of it, then you're not really "dredging up from the past" anyway, it's all there on or just below the surface getting triggered right left and centre. Trying to shove it away doesn't actually work, it comes back in some form or other. I'm one of those who remembers most abuse. As I heal the memories are getting a bit fuzzier, which is good for me. I also remember the relief when I first started to talk about the mild CSA done to me because I'd bottled up my memories for 20 years and never said a word to anybody. I hope naming it has given you some relief too.

I'm with san, some of what was done to you was sexual abuse.

So as the others have posted, you're making brave steps!   

[Sadie48]

Love the cheerleader emoticon, Blueberry!