Letter explaining why Little Hope didn't tell anyone - Trigger Warnings

[Hope67]

***Trigger warnings - may mention SA and other issues that may be upsetting - I'm not sure yet what I'm going to write, but want to start with a trigger warning. ***
Strangely as I thought about writing this letter, it was as if someone stabbed me in my right eye - or just above it, almost as if they don't want me to write this, or as if it's going to be too emotional - is it a body memory - I don't know.  But I'm going to write this letter - not to send - just to explain, as it felt like a revelation today and it made sense.


"When I was little - in my smallest school - I think I was just 5 years old or thereabouts - I could already sense that there were battles going on - between my NM and my teacher - the teacher being an older woman who had apparently been around at the time when children were bound if they wrote with their left-hand - and my NM did protect me by telling her that I was left-handed - and should stay that way.  Sounds like a protective and loving thing to do, doesn't it.  Like she cared about me and was looking out for me.  I thought so too - or at least part of me did.  But another part knew that things at home weren't happy - there was a lot of tension, and actually going to school was enjoyable in some ways.  Chance to be somewhere else for a while.  But even there, that teacher seemed to dislike me, in that she called me 'Little Miss Bossy Boots' - but I wonder if I had copied behaviour that my NM used to portray, and that I was perhaps mimicking her - trying to organise and control other people - trying to fit in to what I had learned by copying her. 

Then there was the Headmaster - who had put his hand up my leg and fiddled regularly with my knicker elastic - whilst I was next to his desk - I remember him doing this several times - it was something he seemed to do.  Yet why didn't I tell my M and my F about this?  Because at home, my F was already touching me in ways which wasn't right.  Also, I know that he had been at school with that Headmaster himself, and had spoken of being a gang leader who had picked on him, bullied him, and teased him, and so I guess that my little Hope thought that it wouldn't be a good idea to tell my F about what that Headmaster had done.  Anyway, maybe Little Hope just thought that was what men did.  Touch little girls in those ways.  But it didn't feel right - either of those things.

As an adult - I know it's not right, and yet I can see how difficult it was for Little Hope to have talked to anyone - because she was holding so many secrets within herself - she was small and didn't know what was right or what was wrong. 

I am feeling very distant from my writing now, so I think I'm floating away from it.  I think I'll leave it there for now, but I felt it was a link that felt important to write about today.

So I have.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I wrote this yesterday and could already feel myself 'floating away' during the course of writing - but it was good to get it out.  It was good to leave it somewhere, and when I re-read it shortly after writing it, I felt an internal 'wailing' - some part of myself was soooooo distressed to read it back.  Then later, it was like a 'door was shut' and I compartmentalised it - or maybe just 'put it out of mind' - and I wonder if that's how all my fragmented/wounded parts coped - they turned their backs on distressing things and tried to cope at the time.

I really felt as if Little Hope was writing - yesterday - and today I feel like a more 'adult me' - I am grateful to this forum for the way it's layed out - i.e. that I can write things in different places - because it helps.

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hope, I am so glad you could write this all out  Sending safe hugs to little Hope and adult Hope if they feel safe Little Elpha really resonates with what was written, thank you for writing something that I have never been brave enough to try to.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Thank you so much - and sending you a safe hug too - to you and Little Elpha      I found it hard to write these things, because my inner critics had a go at me for doing so - but I am glad that I did, and that I was able to 'get it out' and 'share it' - because somehow that helps me to dilute the potency of it - and know that people do understand and care.  I just wish I'd been able to do so when I was a child - but really no one felt safe at the time.

Hope 

[Psych407]

Hi Hope
So sorry Little Hope didn't feel safe. I can understand why she didn't tell. When none of the adults that should be protecting you are hurting you and making you feel like there is something wrong with you, who is there left to tell?  Little Hope has You now to hold her, and to hold her hand. It is okay to have been afraid then and definitely understandable. But you have given Little Hope a voice and she can tell now. It's the best gift you can give to your younger self/selves.

[Hope67]

Hi Psych407
I really appreciate you saying that - thank you.  Such a validating reply and really helps me.

Welcome to the forum - I see it's your first posting. 

Hope