How to Deal (long post)

[stepintothesun]

TW: abusive comments, SH, ED, suicide attempts

This is my first post here, so please just bear with me.

I just wanted feedback/advice. I was away at school this past year, but I've returned to my traumatizing family.
My younger brother has always had severe anger issues and sociopathic tendencies. He used to get so "stressed out" that he would throw things at me, punch my other brother, and verbally abuse me. He was constantly telling me that I wasn't smart, no one liked me. I used to fear for my life and lose sleep because he would threaten me (Major TW: the worst thing he's ever said was that he was going to take my brains out). My family constantly walked on eggshells around him, and I would break down if I heard that he was having a bad day before coming home. My parents were no help, and would often yell at me for trying to fight back when he verbally attacked me. They also wouldn't let me leave the situation, and if i walked away during dinner or during "family time" I would get yelled at. They wouldn't believe me when I told them about my brother, and it wasn't until he attempted suicide that they put him in treatment.

Every time he would upset me, my parents would swear that he's "getting better" and it's "not as bad as it used to be". In addition to him, my parents never listened to me. They would get on me about every little thing, and expect me to be working nonstop even though my mental health is deteriorating. They protect him and let him do whatever he wants.

Flash forward to today. I have been going through ED cycles, severe SH cycles, Depression and Anxiety. I can't keep friend, despite everyone telling me how sweet I am. I've started having panic attacks when people yell and throw things, or when people get overly mad. I work at a minimum wage job, where my coworkers do nothing while I work, making me feel trapped and helpless. I'm breaking down, and my parents are pushing me to stay at the job. I'm also living at home again with my brother, and have spells of intense anger around him, which my parents yell at me for.

My question is how do I deal with living with my family and working for the summer?

[sanmagic7]

that's a good question, ry.  i think those kinds of answers are different for everybody.  it depends on what kinds of resources you might have or how much motivation/energy is within you at any given time.

one thing that comes to mind is taking advantage of free 'stuff' in your community as a way to get yourself out of the house besides going to work.  don't know if there are things like the library, museums, concerts in the park (it's summer where i live), farmers' market,  nature trails, community outreach programs - anything that's low to no money needed for participation.

i've taken advantage of such opportunities in the past, especially when i was feeling trapped, and they helped my spirit a lot.  i've taken some inexpensive classes after hours held at schools and such just for fun (candle-making, basket-weaving), and found that working with my hands was very relaxing, plus i learned new skills which i really enjoyed.  met new people, too.

anyway, just some thoughts for you.  i do hope you find a way for yourself to help yourself to feel better. the situation with your brother sounds really rough.  hopefully, eventually, both your job and living situations will make a positive turnaround.  best to you with this, ry.  sending love and a gentle hug to you.