Your replies have made my day! The relief of finding this community is unparalleled. I feel officially welcomed with the warmth and hugs I so desperately crave for. I have returned to my "self" today, pulled myself back and took up the reigns again. Hope it lasts a couple of days!!!!
Thanks for your reassurance, Schroeder's cat, (btw I live in a german speaking country!), I'm so grateful you gave me some of your wisdom about children, it really helped!!!!! wish you were my neighbour, I could do with some parenting advice now and again!!!!!
So did all your comments, and ofcourse I felt the urge to look up your intro stories and then felt even more connection with you all, in fact everything I read confirms my initial feeling of "coming home".
It was also amazing to read (just now) a possible explanation of why 12-steps always made me feel anxious and depressed and not-good-enough in the thread from ootf (
http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=19.msg91#msg91) from your message, Kizzy.
Actually, this is the first forum where I feel relaxed. In the past, and even on ootf, I felt overwhelmed reading about people's pain and felt I had nothing to offer. Here, I have a feeling that life's light and darkness interweave in an artistic and uplifting way. The warmth is not superficial and the posts are "clean", if you know what I mean.
As for money, I will take both yours and Tree's advice. And your, WhoBuddy's and Schroederscat's permission to not need to put on a brave face! Thank you!
I tried to tell a friend today what it felt like to have found this site and how it helped me regroup and she said, "it is good to hear you speak like an adult for a change! we are ultimately alone and being an adult means not thrashing about asking for help" which immediately made me feel crap about myself but I was able to say something like, "sharing and feeling understood is not leaning on others, it is a basic human need for connection which then gives you the strength to keep walking". Of course I am not an adult fully despite my 45 years on this planet but i cant pretend to be strong when I am not. I need a community where i can just be vulnerable and people "get it" like you said, Kizzy! Where people sense and appreciate the light in me and I the light in them IN their process and struggles, not when they are "together". Someone once said to me, that she draws her strength from her weakness. that has so helped me over the years. That is what I sense lives here. It is so good to find it.
So, thanks again, all of you and everyone else on this forum. It is a godsend.
May you all receive a lovely surprise today!

Chira