Honesty and confusion

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Cookido

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Honesty and confusion
« on: June 12, 2018, 03:02:55 PM »
If I'm being true to myself, to my thoughts and feelings, then, I want to break up with my partner.

But how can I do so when he depends on me? And I depend on him, to not be alone. I care about him. He has no where to go, but also because he won't ask friends for help. I'm the only one he says. But we are destructive for each other. I can't deal with his issues because I'm broken myself. I care for him and it hurts thinking that I will be the one who breaks him. I know what it's like to be completely alone so how can I do that to someone else?

I'm so conflicted. I feel horrible. I know this person so well and he is the only one who truly knows me. How can I let go of that? At the same time he keeps me from healing.

I supported him out of debt, out of addiction, out of a destructive home, but I can't support him with what he really needs, emotional support. Because I don't have it myself.

Relationships are confusing, but should they be this difficult?

This post is probably as confusing as I am feeling. At least I got it off my chest.

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Kizzie

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Re: Honesty and confusion
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2018, 05:55:37 PM »
That's a tough one Cookido.  Perhaps it would help if you think of the break as a next step in healthy recovery (i.e., him to build in other supports to his life and you to disengage from helping him when you need to look out for you). 

Maybe you could see a T together so that you make the break in the best/healthiest way possible for both of you?  :Idunno:  Just a thought FWIW.

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Erebor

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Re: Honesty and confusion
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2018, 07:34:55 PM »
I think Kizzie has more advice to offer on this than I do, but the thought of suggesting a T for your partner came to mind. If he had someone else, a professional who understood his struggles, to support him, then he wouldn't be so heavily dependent on you, and hopefully a T would help him do his own recovery work so that he would no longer need to be dependent and would be better able to take care of himself.

My sibling was actually very similar to how you describe your partner. It took me a long time to realise that trying to carry him wasn't doing anyone any good. Best wishes for figuring your way through.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Honesty and confusion
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2018, 01:50:48 AM »
i agree with both of the above.   caring for someone and caring for yourself - we can't do one without doing the other first.  we can't give to someone what we don't have.   we can't be any good for someone before being good for ourselves.   we can't help someone who won't help themselves.

all of this.  and you already know what you need to do.  getting some professional help sounds ideal, if that's possible.  if not, well, i've had to weigh this one out for myself with my hub.   i had to leave to save myself.  we still talk on the phone every week, and email, and provide support for each other that way, but as much as he wants me to come back, that's something i just can't do.

best to you with this, cookido.  it's not an easy decision, for sure.  i hope you can remember that you're not doing anything neg. to him.  rather, you're doing something pos. for yourself.  you don't intend to hurt him, only to help you.   as adults, one of our greatest responsibilities is to take care of ourselves first.  we're told on planes to put our oxygen masks on first before we help our children.  we're no good to others if we can't function because we're trying to help someone else before ourselves.    love and hugs, sweetie.

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Rainagain

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Re: Honesty and confusion
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2018, 01:56:28 PM »
Hi cookido,

Wise words from the other replies to your post.

Your post made me think of the basis for this forum, that we are all here primarily to work on our own recovery rather than to help others.

So, if you are not being supported and things are destructive then maybe in order to advance your own recovery you have identified what needs to be done already?