TW - is this CSA, or something else?

[movementforthebetter]

Trigger warning for CSA in this post.

I still struggle with the fact that I was molested by a babysitter because I was curious at the time it happened. I get consent and that children can't legally give it. But in my heart I still struggle to call it what it is. Cognitive brain and emotional brain aren't on the same page here.

This weekend some things occurred to me. 1. The babysitter took advantage of my curiosity. 2. Something happened earlier that may have sparked this curiosity - or are most children sexually curious at a young age? I don't know.

The thing that happened was finding pornography when I was 5. I wanted to understand what I was seeing, so I asked about it. This sparked a huge fight between my parents, so that scarred me. But then also having it forbidden and never explained was problematic.

I believe that having pornography somewhere a child can find it is negligence. But could it also be a form of CSA because the child (in this case me) that finds it is exposed to graphic sexual content?

Thanks for reading.

[Hope67]

**Trigger warnings***
Hi Movementforthebetter,
I don't know the answers to the questions you ask here - because I also struggle with things similar to this - in terms of my own experiences - and my F actually gave me sexually graphic literature (a book in brown paper) to read - although I am uncertain how old I was when he did that - and I have always felt really uncomfortable about that. 

I do want to say that I relate to things you're saying here - and I feel I'm struggling with how to reply here to you - but I wanted to say something, and tell you that I relate.

Hope 

[Kizzie]

Just my opinion here MFTB but I think most children are naturally curious about everything including sex.  Certainly though it could also be that something did happen earlier to make you wonder.  In any event hopefully your heart will come to accept that it was not in any way your fault, that no-one who has a moral compass would take advantage of a child no matter how curious they are. 

With respect to pornography - I think it would constitute CSA if adults regularly leave it laying around for children to find versus tucking it away where it won't easily be found, or as in Hope's case actually porn to their child (wow, that's just so wrong!). 

Hope this helps 

[Elphanigh]

I would like to agree with both things that were said and say that I understand.

*trigger warning*

My D used to leave his pornography magazines laying around where I could see them. Then my babysitter (one of my first sexual abusers) used to watch pornographic videos in front of me, this occured before she ever physically touched me. Both led to a lot of issues down the road. My D's magazines became a source of information for one of my other sexual abusers(not my D) , and a thing that I was forced to read through in order to learn what he wanted me to do...

My dad I believe was negligent and since it was regularly left out for me to see I could call it CSA as well, at very least it helped the eventual csa occur earlier.


All that to say, I understand. Thank you for sharing about this topic. I am sorry that you experience that, no child should have to

[Andyman73]

I think it would be a passive, indirect form of csa. Same as being in same room while others engage in "closeness".

AS for your csa, MFTB, curious or not, was/is most definitely csa/r. Sorry.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks for your input, everyone. Lots to think about.