I don't know if this goes here. So many things have been swirling in my mind lately, and I'm just trying to get them out a little bit..
So I'm in this music group I joined late in life. I always wanted to play music, so at some point, I decided to take lessons, and I do now. Not professional but as a hobby. Trying not to be too descriptive here, but let's just say that in our group, there are musicians ranging from beginner to professional, and of ages 12-75. Some are staples, and some come and go.
As a child and young person, I dabbled in piano. I took lessons from a very mean and boring teacher, so I wanted to quit. But I wanted to play modern music, and that was a no. I wanted to play drums and that was a * no. I wanted to play sax and that was a no. I was berated and belittled that I needed to get my head out of my ***, and asked in a berating voice "when are you going to do something a girl would do?" I also was not allowed to skateboard or play soccer further than the school team because if I played club I might be chosen to play at a higher level (what I wanted, but not allowed.)
So now, in this music group I'm in, I find myself not only unable to relax fully and just enjoy and try things (as I am so annoyingly self-conscious), but also there are many young people who are coming up through HS, college and beyond, doing amazing things with their music and achieving high levels of education in music. Their parents are often there, cheering them on, proud. What I notice the most is the way their parents interact with them. They speak to them with kindness and respect. They treat them as equals and as if they are capable. Worthy. All of these things are just normal to everyone there. I can't think of a single person in our group that does not have supportive family members around at times like performances, even small ones. These caring and intimate interactions with their families, coupled by their encouragement and support to follow their passions, unfortunately really trigger me. I feel like such an outsider, like I missed out on so much. I feel like I should have been following a similar creative path. Like I somehow should have overcome and ignored my upbringing and found a way to follow this path anyway. Instead I followed my stockholm syndrome. And no matter which ways I tried to achieve creatively, I have gotten stuck and never really been able to make it happen. I see now I wasn't doing it right. I was destined to fail because I wasn't following the path that would have gotten me there, and I was affected by my Nm's very negative and demeaning words and thoughts.
This scenario is the one in which I feel most hopeless. I hate that, because I am truly happy for these young people and all of these people who have close families. I feel like life has passed me by, almost completely, and I am a stranger in life, trying to grasp for any last minute joy or success.
One last thing on this note, I was not allowed to go places when I was at home, but when I left, I was most passionate and driven to travel. I did travel as much as I could and have been many places, most on my own. I love it. I was never supported by Nm, in fact, she would often say things like "well, if you die in a plane crash or get raped and murdered, don't forget I told you so." I am not exaggerating. So, even though I have experienced all of the wonderful things you do through travel, it almost always was tainted with these messages I was left with. I still managed to not let it bother me at the time too much. I was having such amazing experiences. I was never once asked about my experiences or trips by anyone in my family. Yet I tried to share, and got eye rolls and basically the attitude of "meh". I really hate that I shared with them now.
I think witholding opportunities, and trying to taint any opportunities someone tries to create for themselves are in fact abusive. I never really thought of this so much before, because I was focused on the more obvious abuses, but this really bothers me now. It mostly bothers me I didn't get away and do my own thing, pursue the arts, get out of my stockholm syndrome and went NC at age 18. I wanted to run away since 14 but I was afraid I would be returned home only to be beaten more.