Strange phase

Started by jamesG.1, June 17, 2018, 04:53:39 PM

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jamesG.1

so... I get the benefits sorted, I finally begin to ease out of the train crash of my business partnership, sort out the money and I finally, FINALLY, begin to see a path to some stability.

wham...

Dissociation. On the largest scale I've ever seen. This weekend I've been a zombie, nothing is worth doing, I got nowhere. My head is all over the place.

I wouldn't say there is a negative driver to this, it's more a physical effect than anything and I'm wondering if it's just a simple brain response to the sudden change. Looking at the science, it seems to be all about my amygdala deciding its time to rest, but I've also gone a bit heavy on the beta blockers this week to get past what was an absolute wave of high-stress situations.

I've had far worse than this week, but I've never had such a marked reaction before. I guess I've had so many false dawns and out of nowhere disasters, my amygdala is just not gonna settle down without a fight. The idea that I'm now covered and protected and even enabled to do what I've so wanted to do for so long is alien, almost absurd. I'm just hotwired for catastrophe. It's what I'm used to.

I have one more final week of work stress, hopefully, after that it really, REALLY ends. The last of my 4 horsemen gets put to bed, the last of my interpersonal compromises is finally locked out. It's been so long coming, so hard to disengage, break free. I've been glued to the spot for a decade or more in a non-stop conveyor belt laden with the reactions of others. Once I was a pretty carefree person, I had a love of life and a desire to live.

Now I guess I get to see how much of that is still there.

jamesG.1

suddenly feeling really angry about being put through all this. All I want is to be together enough to do a few chores but here I am in bed for two days with an iron band round my head and jumping every time the church clock chimes. Dammit, why was I put through this? It's absurd. It wasn't even a fraction as bad as many go through, but the powerlessness and futilty over such a long time has ground me down. I just want a chance to regroup without this feeling... make it go away.

Rainagain

Sounds like you have navigated through a peak stress time and now have a glimmer of hope for the future.

High stress with a chance of getting out of the situation is probably confusing the old hindbrain, its thinking 'can I collapse for a bit? Or is it still panic mode'?

Give things a day to sink in, it'll be better soon.