Fighting for my real self

  • 13 Replies
  • 589 Views
*

AncientSoul

  • Guest
Fighting for my real self
« on: June 16, 2018, 06:58:20 PM »
Tomorrow is Father's Day, and I do miss my Dad. After he died, I used to have dreams of my Dad and I fishing on a beautiful pond where he and I would fish and talk for what seemed forever. That dream stopped years ago.

I posted earlier about leaving Facebook. I haven't, but I am limiting my exposure and what I post. I feel that the information I can provide from my experience and learning is valuable at times for fellow American's to get through the current environment. Also, FB has been a source of keeping up with friends, even though at times I do feel hurt.

That friend I mentioned a few times, I haven't heard from her and she hasn't responded at all to me. I looked through my emails, my personal messages, and realized that besides business emails, I may average one personal email a month that I send out. I sent her several and she didn't respond at all to any of them. Nor did she respond to my Personal Message.

In retrospect, I didn't really do anything that bad, and I apologized. I of course am blaming myself more every day that goes by. And what usually happens to me when I do that, is I retreat into myself and end up not showing or feeling emotion. I am fighting that for my real self to stay present. It is a battle.

I know that my Dad went through a lot when he was a kid. He told me some, and my Mom filled me in with the rest. My grandfather was cruel, and my Dad had to endure so many things. Some unkind words occasionally came out at me, then my Dad would quickly change back to my Dad and say he was sorry. He fought with his emotions, just as I fight with them. But he had it worse in a lot of ways. Then he had three kids, and my older brother and sister were awful. I tried so hard to make up for the things that my brother and sister did. My sister is the Malignant Narcissist.

So I'm still on FB. My friend is still on FB, but for the few things I have posted, she will not respond at all. It is like I do not exist for her anymore. All those years we've been friends, and forgiveness seems to not be within her. I don't understand, and it really hurts.

Right now I am feeling terrible about myself. I am fighting that. The strange thing is, I live on a big place in the country, and when I go outside, deer, rabbits, birds and other critters come out and seem to surround me. Normally the deer come out at night, but they've been coming out and actually coming up to me during the last few weeks. If I start doing something, they will lay down a few feet away from me and watch me.

I guess I have different kinds of friends. But I miss human contact and human touch. I haven't had that for many, many years. I can't explain how I feel.

Thanks again for listening.

AncientSoul

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6364
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2018, 09:07:14 PM »
sorry you're going thru this, a.s.  it's rough when you don't understand exactly what's happening and why - very confusing and frustrating.  been there, done that.  sending love and a warm compassionate hug.

*

AncientSoul

  • Guest
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2018, 04:07:06 PM »
Thank you Sanmagic7.

It's been a tough few days, I admit that. That woman friend of mine is still ignoring me. I have not tried anymore to contact her in any way, but I am still making a few posts on FB. She doesn't respond like she used to do. It's like I do not exist to her anymore.

Then I reached out to someone who has a business. She's been trying to get me to respond for a while, so I did with her business and asked about something to start an exchange of ideas. Totally innocent. We arranged for work to be done for me, which wasn't much but it was something that I have wanted done for a while. She said it was easy and I thought it was a done deal. Then she got back to me and said she was too busy, and maybe in a few weeks or months. Then nothing.

I am so confused. I have gone over things I have said, what I have done, and I have not a clue. I must be missing something.

I was taught that real men step up and admit when they are wrong. I was taught that taking responsibility for ones actions is the right thing to do. I was also taught to tell the truth, because jokingly, it is easier to remember and also the right thing to do.

I don't rat out anyone, as that is not my place to do. So I don't understand why literally no one seems to want me around. Unless I can do something for them for free. I do a lot of things and not ask for anything in return, but that gets tiring after so many years of one way streets.

The last few days I've been asking myself over and over again, "Am I a Narcissist?" In some ways I imagine I am. But overall, I have moral conscience. I never wish to hurt anyone on purpose or even slightly. Yet I will stand up against people hurting others or hurting me. I have always fought injustice, as that is my nature. (There is the Narcissist in me I believe.)

So being ignored, especially during the holidays really does hurt me. I don't want to force myself on anyone. I want to be wanted for me, nothing else.

So thank you Sanmagic7 for responding to me. It means a lot.

AncientSoul

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6364
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2018, 09:55:54 PM »
well, you're wanted here, if nothing else.

i get what you're saying, and have had similar things happen in my life.  i would always question what was going on, what did i do/not do, have a million conversations in my head, try to figure out what was going on with the other person, ad infinitum.  i doubt that i ever figured the other person out.  there was something going on with them that was out of my arena of thinking.   i'm working on stopping all that.  i've found that it's futile.

just a suggestion, something that just came to me - what if you start fresh?  leave those people behind, join a group of new people.  you have a history with all these people you've talked about, have had that 'one-way street' thing going with so many of them.  maybe it's time for you to look for unplowed fields, so to speak.

i'll be moving next week to an entirely new place, and i will have to start over getting to know people.  i've already looked online at possibly joining a book club at the library as a way to meet people.  plus, i like to read, it will get me out of my comfort zone somewhat, but who knows?  the library is a pretty safe place, all things considered.  so, i'm going to look into it.

you've had one way of interacting with so many of the people in your life for so long, a.s.  i agree with you, that one-way street gets old and tiresome.  if you start fresh, maybe you can also begin discovering how the reciprocal side of relationships feels.  an experiment of sorts for yourself.  you can do things differently with people who don't know you or your past patterns.

i'm not saying to dump all your old friends or anything, but maybe it's time to begin weeding your garden and plant some new varieties.  just a thought.  best to you, a.s.  sending a warm, loving hug.

*

ah

  • Member
  • 526
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2018, 07:38:55 AM »

just a suggestion, something that just came to me - what if you start fresh?  leave those people behind, join a group of new people.  you have a history with all these people you've talked about, have had that 'one-way street' thing going with so many of them.  maybe it's time for you to look for unplowed fields, so to speak.


I couldn't agree more.

I often ask myself what I've done that's worthy of being treated as badly as I'm treated by others. I'm excellent at forgetting how badly I'm actually treated and what others may be like, and only seeing my own mistakes. But I think it may be sadder and also more simple that that. It may also be the case that people who know your family may not change their opinion much.

If they've gotten used to seeing you a certain way, even if it's completely off base,  and if they've gotten used to expecting you to give without reciprocating, maybe it's unlikely they'll change.
It takes very courageous, rare people to question things and change their own habits. Maybe the people you currently know aren't like that.
People who never knew a thing about your family may have a fresh way of seeing you. They may just meet you as you are and form their own independent opinion.
I think when we're dealing with just ordinary miscommunication we may be 50% responsible for mishaps, but add in PD's and you may not be responsible for the weirdness that follows. You may just be paying the price for someone else's madness.  :blink:

You strike me as kind, and deeply hurt and confused by narcissistic abuse and all its tendrils and long overdue for friendliness and warmth, for a change. Not out of one sided kindness toward you, but because they're the sort of people who enjoy reciprocating and getting to know someone else. They're worth searching for.
I think narcissistic abuse poisons everything around it. It's mad, but true. Draw concentric circles around it and you'll find scorched land all around. I'm so sorry you have to live with this sad, weird truth. I do too. You're not alone.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2018, 07:41:51 AM by ah »

*

AncientSoul

  • Guest
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2018, 09:43:35 PM »
I appreciate the responses, thank you, they help. And I was going to begin another post as something else just happened, but I figured I would go back here, as I'm still fighting to be myself.

I don't get many phone calls from friends, and when I do, they want something. All except for one friend who does actually call me to chat. It's also nice to hear someone's voice when I haven't been the one calling.

A few weeks ago, I went out and about to the city North of me. Easier to get supplies and its fun. And I like to get bargains when I shop to save money. It's a learned habit and I'm still paying off medical bills I incurred by helping my family all those years. So I always try to stop at a store that specializes in salvaged goods and overstock and stores that have quit business. It has saved me a lot over the years.

When I went to the store the last time, I found synthetic motor oil that I needed for my equipment at my place. The price was two dollars a liter. I bought enough for an oil change as it was a really good buy. When I got home, I checked online and found out how good the oil actually was. Then my friend called me, and he was heading in the direction of that store, but he's never gone in. It's not fancy enough for him. He's pretty well off. He asked if there was anything he could get me as he had time in that area. So I asked him to get what was left of that oil if he could, as I needed it for my other equipment. He said he would and I would pay him back and get the oil when I saw him.

Well, a few days ago he said he picked it up for me, and I was ready to go up and get it from him. But he was busy. So no big deal. Then a bit ago, he called me and I spoke with him. First thing he said to me was. "I'm keeping that oil! Do you know how much that stuff costs? I can use it in my rig." He said it would be ten dollars a liter instead of two dollars that oil was, and he bought every liter they had in the store.

All I could do is be stunned. I couldn't get mad, but inside I hurt. I had it all planned out to do much needed work on my stuff on my place. He didn't even ask me how much I needed.

Once again someone put their interests before my own. He is keeping it all for himself. I am getting disillusioned about human nature. I've had friends do things like that to me in the past and then laugh at me. I would never dream of doing that to anyone else. He asked me if I needed anything, I told him what I would like, he found it, bought it and is keeping it all for himself.

This keeps happening. I am so close to just retreating and finding all new friends. If I had been that friend and decided I needed it too, I would have first asked. One doesn't first offer something, then take it away. That is what my brother and sister have done to me all my life. Then friends too. It never has been worth it to me to confront them. If I can say it, I feel I'm better than going to that level. But it still hurts.

I'm really on a bad run of friendship lately. I wonder what I have done to deserve this kind of treatment. I wish I knew, I would change if I could.

So now, instead of paying two dollars a liter on a tight budget and getting some needed things done that I've been putting off. I'll have to pick and choose what I can do and when. At least I was lucky enough to get some when I did, and I am grateful for that.

I needed to vent again. But people to me seem so selfish.

AncientSoul

*

Rainagain

  • Member
  • 1081
  • New member 27/9/17 cptsd diagnosed 20/9/17 oh well
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2018, 01:07:26 PM »
That was really selfish and thoughtless of your 'friend', I would find that upsetting, anyone would.

Maybe they will get more stock in, you never know.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6364
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2018, 02:25:26 PM »
 :yeahthat:

*

AncientSoul

  • Guest
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2018, 04:45:44 PM »
Thanks for responding. Once again this is the place I can go to vent and try to understand what is going on and to get validation of what my thoughts are on what happened. I try very hard to say exactly what happens, even though I have my own bias.

I could very easily have challenged my friend, or challenge my friends in the actions they have taken or not taken. But I am not one to force a friendship, at least not anymore. I have learned that being by myself is better than being with someone I ought not be with. Yet as far as my sister and her kids go, that is a challenging situation for me. So I am no contact with my sister, despite her living in such a close proximity.

I remember something that my Dad did when I was a little kid. My Mom and Dad always tried to help people, and one weekend we went to the city to visit my aunt.  I went with my Dad as the women took off to shop. So my Dad and I walked around town, he held my hand most all the time. I was maybe five or six years old.

We walked by a bum sitting in a doorway, he smelled of stale alcohol and didn't look very good. I remember he asked my Dad, "Hey mister, can you spare a dime?" My Dad stopped and looked at him and began talking. My Dad noticed the guys shoes were really worn out with holes in the soles. My Dad was dressed nice in dress clothes, and he asked what size feet the guy had. Then my Dad took off his shoes and traded with the guy. He put on the other guys shoes and off we went.

When we got back to my aunts house, my Mom looked at my Dad's feet. She shook her head and said, "Not again." My dad laughed and said, "Well, the guy wanted a dime, and I didn't have one, so I gave him my shoes." My Aunt laughed.  That wasn't the first time my Dad gave up his shoes to someone who needed them. And my Dad always told me, "Walk in someone else's shoes to see how it is."

I often put myself in the other persons place to try to figure out how it feels to them. I cannot put myself in a selfish person's shoes, as I just cannot fathom that feeling. Maybe its because my sister always told me I was so selfish. I didn't understand gaslighting then.

I was going to leave this forum as I think I am too selfish. But I find that I still need it to think things out.  I read a whole lot of posts here, but have backed off on responding. I feel bad about that, and I do understand so much of the feelings that people have here.

My feelings toward the friends I have outlined in this post are of sadness. They may feel good about their actions, but I feel that in the long run, they are missing out on something that may be more important. A friend who will do what it takes to help if it is possible.

In my own past, I have passed up things so others could have them. I still do that. It is difficult for me to take the last of something, or all of it. I take what I need or what I can deal with. I don't know if that can be taught, but I learned it from my parents.

AncientSoul

*

Rainagain

  • Member
  • 1081
  • New member 27/9/17 cptsd diagnosed 20/9/17 oh well
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #9 on: June 23, 2018, 10:26:31 PM »
I was thinking about your oil tycoon friend earlier.

It struck me that he could have simply told you there was none left when he visited.

But, he baldly told you he had used the opportunity to help you to help himself instead leaving you without. No shame or idea he had done something wrong.

He probably doesn't realise he is selfish and thoughtless, just lucky to have scored a load of cheap high quality oil.

The only time I've encountered that level of self obsession were amongst siblings, 8 brothers in a poor family. The eldest ate what was available, the youngest went without. As adults the bigger brothers continued to be thoughtless and voracious.
My friend amongst them was the youngest, I went to his funeral last year, they got him in the end.

If the oil tycoon had a similar upbringing it might explain it.

My grandfather did the shoe thing too, he was poor but generous, he only had two pairs of work boots, he gave one pair to a homeless man.

*

Rainagain

  • Member
  • 1081
  • New member 27/9/17 cptsd diagnosed 20/9/17 oh well
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2018, 10:35:22 PM »
The thought of you thinking of withdrawing from this place due to your perceived selfishness is near enough to irony to make me smile.

Why don't you stick around and practice your boundaries with us? Its a virtual world but behaviour here might seep into your real interactions and is possibly an important part of your recovery, which is why we are all here.

Just a thought, no offence intended.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6364
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #11 on: June 23, 2018, 10:39:10 PM »
a.s., i believe there is a difference between being selfish, in a neg. sense, and being self-ish, in a sense of taking care of oneself.  posting here, if it's a safe place and helpful for you, belongs in the second category, to my mind. 

there's no accounting for the thoughts behind the actions of some people.  it seems that the more i learn about people, the less i understand.  all we can do is live our lives in the kindest, most loving way possible.  we can't change nor control how others wish to live. 

as you said, it is sad that these other people are missing out on the pos. things in life, the feeling of being kind, generous, caring for its own sake.  that feeling can't be measured in material goods, but in the size and intensity of our hearts.  however, i think we owe it to ourselves to give judiciously - not more than we have, and also to people who reciprocate.  that reciprocity is what helps us stay refueled with the life and energy needed to keep on giving.

if we constantly give to others who do nothing but take, we will soon be depleted, and not have anything left, either for others or ourselves.  i believe it's important that we find people who are willing to give to us as well - that feeling of receiving is a blessing, and it also allows them to know the wonderful feeling of giving.

i hope you keep posting, a.s.  i know it can be difficult to look out after ourselves, but i think it's important in the long run for our healing and for having a sense of balance in our lives.  we've been thrown off kilter way too often - we deserve to feel our feet under us providing a strong base finally.   love and hugs, sweetie.

*

cookiecat

  • Member
  • 3
    • View Profile
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #12 on: June 23, 2018, 11:06:50 PM »
Agree with other poster, the “friend” didn’t have to say anything at all/say they were out.  Personally I’m stunned.  Why not offer to split or something 😡!  I think many of us on this and other site tend to want to know “why’” or “understand” why people do the things they do.  As if maybe having an answer that makes sense or is reasonable will then make our world okay again.  Someone just being self-ish or self-absorbed doesn’t make sense in our worlds.   I know it’s a bad habit I have.  I want to find an “excuse” for the friend treating me crappy instead of admitting they are a crappy friend😞.

**my two cents

*

AncientSoul

  • Guest
Re: Fighting for my real self
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2018, 03:39:44 PM »
All of your thoughts and responses are well received by my. I thank all of you for that.

Something just happened which I feel odd about in regard to the oil and that situation. I got a phone call from my friend who got the oil, and with the conversation I have that "yo yo" feeling once again and feel like I am to blame. I am both happy and sad, and I'm pretty sure you all know what I mean.

My friend called and said I could come and get the oil. He said it was the wrong kind. Then he told me that had got an even better deal as he and his wife went out to garage sales and he found a lot of really good stuff at far better prices than I could ever find. Then he told me all about it, and the beautiful women he saw, and the deals he got. Particularly the "right" oil that he needed, even though he also told me that he found oil he had already bought, so he didn't really need any. Then he told me that he bought "way better" oil and twice as much and paid a woman, who's husband had just died, only five dollars for all of it. Twice as much oil as I had wanted him to get for me. Oh, and also far better oil too.

I feel like I'm being played for his enjoyment, and he's trying to make me feel bad. Yet I am happy to get the oil that I asked him to get for me, and I will pay him a fair price for his trouble too, because that is how I am. But I feel for that woman who he bought the other oil from. Yet that is not my call or concern, as I don't know all the circumstances and don't wish to make judgements. But it just feels odd to me.

Yes, at first he could have said that they were all out of the oil at the store, and I would not have known the difference. And yes, he could have said to me that he wanted some too, and I would have gladly split with him what he got, even if I was shorted for what I actually needed. I even would have paid him more for the oil, because I still would have paid less than normal for my needs. But now I have so many feelings going on in me that I didn't need to feel.

I feel like I'm being gaslighted. I get enough of that from my sister and her kids. Or maybe I am too sensitive to things. I realize that I can be sensitive. But in my mind, I wish to be fair. I always want to be fair. That is my nature.  I have learned a lot of lessons in life, and one of them is to stick to a promise. Thus, when I do make a promise, I will do whatever I can legally to make sure I keep that promise.

Since I have no one to talk to about this, I am here. It is very odd to me why I should be told that what I have is not that good. I already checked and do understand mechanics and chemistry combined with ratings. But that's not the point. All my life I was meant to feel that everyone was better than me, that I was no good. All that from my sister. So I would rather be by myself than subject myself to that kind of talk or thinking. And I wonder why I have so many friends that say things like that to me?

When someone does something good, I tell them they did good. If someone doesn't do so good at something, I tell them to keep trying and they'll be better next time.  I wonder if all that is wrong of me to do, but it makes me feel good to see other people feel good. But I don't like anyone saying or doing things to hurt me.  I wonder what my friend's motives really may be?

AncientSoul