New here

[Batsville]

Hi there,

I've already posted some of this information on another thread, so apologies for repetition.

My C-PTSD started just over a year ago, which is just over a year since the actual trauma itself gradually ended and I'd just begun to get my life back together again. I am now six months into therapy, initially CBT and more lately EMDR.

The trauma itself was five years of caring for my teenage son as he battled with anorexia nervosa and clinical depression / suicidal tendencies. It was a 24/7 fight and too horrendous and triggering to describe here. Thankfully he is now recovered.

I found this forum having come across its sister forum a while ago, but wasn't aware of a specialist C-PTSD forum until today, so am grateful to have found you!

At the moment my life has ground to a halt, really, in that I can't concentrate on anything for more than a minute or so, can't face most things ("too big"), even the simplest most straightforward of things, am self-isolating in a Big Way, and staying at home rather than getting out of the house. I have shouting nightmares most nights, all anxiety-driven, not flashbacks to the trauma itself but other things that scream out extreme anxiety. I also have all the physical symptoms of anxiety: IBS, heart palpitations, exhaustion, insomnia, over / under-eating, nausea, the works.

I feel as if I've turned into someone else - a stranger.

And, of course, the inner-critic has revved itself up screaming at me that I'm a failure, I'll never be able to focus on anything for more than a couple of minutes, will end up isolated and friendless, blah blah blah. Aaarrggh!

So that is me, in a nutshell. Thank you for listening!! 

[Rrecovery]

Hello and Welcome!

This is a safe place to come out of isolation from your own home.  Glad your son recovered - awesome.  Now it's your turn!
Warmest Regards, 
Rrecovery

[chiraheally]

Hi Batsville,

Gosh, that sounds awful, to have to go through that, it must have been like wrestling with death.  no wonder you have all those cptsd symptoms (which i so relate to by the way and I guess many of us here do too ).  As i too am new here, I find  it is so hard when you are in the midst of it to trust that it wont always be so, do you agree?  i get so much hope here from people who are obviously further along the path and prove that our soul CAN one day be a safe place.  It gives me a * of alot of strength to think that all this process has a purpose which is hinted at by the sensitivity, wisdom and depths of the people who write here.  i know it sounds philosophical in the face of your pain but it is a thought that helps me and i am hoping it helps you too: if humanity must develop empathy in order to survive (jeremy rifkin), then cptsd sufferers are leading the way, in that our suffering is forging our hearts into a vehicle for compassion and understanding.  am feeling totally exposed writing this, but will just take the risk. 

Am really glad to "meet" you and send you loads of wishes and warmth!

big hug!

Chira

[Batsville]

Thanks for the warm welcome 

[Kizzie]

Hi Batsville and a warm welcome to OOTS.  That was so much to go through with your son and for so long it's understandable that you developed CPTSD.    I'm glad to hear he's doing well, but sorry to hear you're not.  It sounds like you may be in collapse mode (not a therapist, this is just what came to me as I was reading your post). Stuffing down how you felt when your son was going through everything and not dealing with it all yourself, just hanging in there, surviving and getting the job done (caring for your son) through his trauma and not dealing with what it was doing to you because you couldn't at the time.

Now that he's doing better, you have the time and space to feel your feelings and they are tough because there are likely layers of trauma that have to be worked through after five years.  I get the sense that you are shutting you down because that's what you need to do now, to push away from so much stress and trauma.  Self-soothing and self-care are big in recovery from CPTSD  - not isolating or dissociating, but healthy time out and doing positive things to help you bring your stress and anxiety down.

And perhaps that's  why you're cutting off your friends from the forum?  It has to be really triggering to talk with them as inevitably you must end up talking about the issues that brought you all there in the first place so maybe some distance is what's needed?  If you are comfortable doing so maybe you can tell them what you're going through, let them know you want to stay friends and that you will be back in touch once you get further along in your own recovery.  If anyone can understand it should be people who have struggled alongside you.

As for your ICr, it might help when it starts to scream at you to shush it and tell it that the fact you helped your son recover through five traumatic years is proof of your strength and courage.  It has taken a huge toll but you stayed the course and helped him despite the cost to you.  "So pipe down ICr and give me a break, I have done really well! I have some more to go and I need you to understand that yelling at me will not help so try to be helpful rather than punitive."  Talk back to it, yell at if if you have to - the last thing you need more of is anything negative. 

Well it seems I have blathered on this Sunday morning but I do hope some of this makes sense and helps in some way.  You didn't mention if you are in therapy or not; that might be something to consider if not. 

Again welcome to OOTS, we're glad you found your way to us