Facing this reality hits hard

[AncientSoul]

Greetings:

I have stayed off this site for a while as I figured I say too much. And a couple months ago, life reared up and slapped me hard and I kept everything inside myself. After a meeting with my attorney trying to get compensation for my being robbed, I woke up the next morning and could not see out of my right eye. It took a long time to be able to get to an eye doctor because of dealing with my insurance and actually being able to get to the eye doctor. The diagnosis? Hemispheric retinal vein collusion. Yeah, its expensive.

I've never used my health insurance, ever. I have to pay close to eight thousand dollars out of pocket before it begins to pay. I had no choice, but to agree to the treatment, which will be an injection in the eye every month for up to two years. I was quoted the price. $2100 per injection.

My blood pressure was off the charts as I figured. 225/130. I was assigned a primary doctor, went for the checkup and was diagnosed with extreme stress. I had not seen that doctor before.

The hypervigilance has been part of my life for decades. It takes a lot for me to trust, yet I remain open to people and am a listener and problem solver when I can help. But for myself, I have few if any outlets where I can let loose my thoughts and feelings. And when I'm home, I'm always careful and looking out the window, checking corners. It's like I'm always "on patrol".

I explained CPTSD to the doctor, and she didn't seem to fully understand. Even when I referred to "the Narcissist" in my life, which I have no contact with. But she lives right across the road from me, two hundred yards away. She is my nearest neighbor and also my sister.

In my life, I have helped a lot of people. When asked on the forms who my contact was, all I could do was write in my own name.  I literally have no one and I wonder why? Is that what CPTSD does to someone. Make them alone? And my blood pressure will not go down. Even at home it is 225/130. I have ignored it as part of my life. 

As I said, "Reality hits hard".

AncientSoul

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear you are going thru a really tough time right now AS   

My blood pressure was off the charts as I figured. 225/130. I was assigned a primary doctor, went for the checkup and was diagnosed with extreme stress.

Did the GP not recommend any immediate treatment?

As for your eye, I've heard the cost of health care in the US is crazy high - are there any agencies that might help?

[AncientSoul]

Thanks for responding Kizzie.

I am a survivor, and I've proven that. And all my life I have dealt with high BP. The medications I was prescribed all made me dizzy and disoriented.

I have had a goal for years of paying off all the loans I took out beginning in 1983 so I could help my family. I am a few months away from being debt free and having things completely paid off.  And yes, I am working with the Insurance company, as I told them I have never used the insurance and they've received high premium payments from me for a long time.

What I find tough is after all the things I do and have done to help others, I find myself totally alone. I have learned that offers to help from others have been empty thoughts and actions. And I won't ask again, as I have.

I needed a place to vent, I chose here where no one knows me, and Hypervigilance stated in this forum sparked me to talk. Thanks for your patience and kindness.

AncientSoul

[Rainagain]

Sorry to hear this, I hope being able to set it down here with us helps.

Being alone is almost a part of self protection  to me, I dont feel safe or comfortable with others.

And I have supported others and been unsupported in return too, I expect it.

People seem to see their own needs more clearly than the needs of others and dont do reciprocity, I see it in myself too sometimes in past actions.

That indifference to the needs of others is easier to understand for me than active betrayal, I still get shocked when that happens. Maybe some of the people who haven't supported you fall into that bracket, it hurts.

[AncientSoul]

Thanks Rainagain:

It is often a difficult thing to be alone, and maybe for me, that may be best. But I truly enjoy being around people, and I like helping if I am able.  I realize the one constant in my life is myself. And I always have been the facilitator of doing things and calling up friends and taking the time to travel to visit them. The thing is, no one takes the time to do those things for me. Or maybe its because my Narcissist sister lives right across the road. My friends keep telling me to move.

To me, being able to vent here has been an awakening to understanding why I am so tense. This forum has really helped. Yet, I keep a watchful eye even inside my own house with doors locked. And I cannot describe what happens inside of me when I see my sister. It is not normal and I'm not frightened of her, but I can freeze up when I see her. "Deer in headlights" explains it a bit, and I cannot control it at times. It makes no sense.

I know a that having a friend who would visit and talk would be in immense help, but it never happens. So I have quit asking.  And to think that when I was working in a regular job for a big company years ago, I was voted the one person that everyone wanted to work with. That was a surprise and thinking of that makes me happy. I always have tried to get people to smile.

Guess I'm not as good as I thought I was. But I have hope.

AncientSoul

[Rainagain]

What you are describing seems so familiar.

I lived under threat with alarms and a panic button.

It was very damaging and it went on for less than two years before I moved far away, pretty much wrecked.

I assume you have lived like this for many years.

I know someone who has been badly harmed by close family who live nearby, he has talked about moving but is still there, it's been going on for 15 years or more.

I am sure you have reasons to stay put.

I was told that my recovery couldn't really start until I moved to a place of safety, I'm not very far along the road to recovery but only now I feel physically safe do I understand how harmful living at risk was to my mental health.

What you are describing is natural vigilance to a real situation, living like that started up a pattern of hyper vigilance in me which hasn't subsided yet.

Not sure if I am making sense, I hated to move but 3 years on and I cant see how I could have stayed.

I didn't make the right decision, I made the least worse decision available from an uninspiring menu.