Could insomnia also be hypervigilence? TW Anorexia

[rebelsue]

When I was a baby my mother left me alone to cry myself to sleep on multiple nights. I don't know how many. She confessed this to me as a way to explain how difficult I was as a baby. But the reality is that she was anorexic to the level of an addict and needed her fix. She told me that she needed to get to bed to run in the morning and if she stayed up with me while I cried, she'd never have gotten sleep or her run.

This seems awful to me now. She let me sob alone in the dark as a baby, as a 1 or 2 year old. What sick person allows something like that? Who would be so self absorbed that the sound of their own screaming infant wasn't enough to convince her she needed to rearrange her priorities??? I guess my mom.

I've never been able to sleep. The hours of bedtime have always been the most difficult for me, mentally and emotionally. My illness and mental health flares have always occurred at this time. Tonight I am awake again. Crying and crying like little me. My thoughts are racing. I am thinking about every horrible scenario that could ever happen to me, my loved ones, and I start becoming paranoid and hopeless.

When I was young up through high school, my dad used to yell at me when he saw that my bedroom light was on. He knew I wasn't sleeping so he'd scream at me to go to sleep. If I ever "misbehaved" (i.e. was in the wrong place at the wrong time when he was mad) he would remind me of how the fact that I don't sleep is the cause of all my problems and I just needed to get it together. Did I mention he always yelled? Probably even when I was in the womb? So I can't sleep now. Ever.

Is this hypervigilence or something else?

[Three Roses]

Insomnia can be caused by so many things, it's difficult to say why you have trouble sleeping. There can be psychological, psychiatric, neurologic or physical causes. What's more important is your view of why it's happening. Trust your gut instincts.

I'm sorry you were left alone to cry yourself to sleep. My heart really goes out to the infant and toddler you were and how alone and scared you were. You should have been held, nurtured, comforted. You were worthy of being taken care of. 

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear how you were abandoned like that every night. I was treated (or ignored) in much the same way when I was young. I think at least part of the trouble sleeping is because it is a life long habit of not sleeping (not feeling comfortable/safe going to sleep for so many years).

I've only recently been able to sleep through the night. I'm not really sure why I can sleep now. It could be because most of the people who have treated me badly are reduced to a very small part of my life, or maybe my body is finally learning from years of taking sedatives at night.

Best I can say, is just keep working on yourself and one day things will get better. Take care!