Decision - Part A

[Blueberry]

Yesterday in my therapy session I decided officially and finally to stop trying to get a 'normal' P/T job in the 'normal' workforce, with an employer. After 17 years struggling in therapy and work-onself between times to recover enough to support myself in the medium-term or even long-term, I have decided that a) it's not going to happen in the medium-term and b) it's just not worth the price I pay in exhaustion and in pressure. Now that I've made this decision, I can literally feel the pressure falling away. I feel e.g. that no, I won't need to pay for a healing retreat in August just so as I can keep going.  This strenuous "keep-going" was keeping going not with life but with life not accepting my disability as such.

I know somebody on here once commented on a post of mine with "disability?? Hm, no, don't like that  " but in my country you can have official disability status for psychological reasons, not just physical or mental. The definition is: being incapable of living / working at what would be considered a normal level / in a normal way for someone of your age for 6 months or longer. (If you break your leg, it'll disable you temporarily but it doesn't count).

I've never really been able to keep up with someone of my age especially speed - it's chronic. And it's getting worse rather than better despite the fact that the brain injury called cptsd is certainly healing somewhat, my condition is certainly improving but not related to work.

I will continue my easier freelance profession, one-on-one language teaching. I'm actually self-taught, which I feel proud of accomplishing and the work does me good. But I can't do enough of it, efficiently enough to support myself. My 'real' profession is somewhat connected but much harder now for me. I haven't quite decided to let that go completely but I can feel internally that I'm getting closer to a willingness to do so.

This is a huge step       

[Contessa]

Wooo Blueberry!
How good is that weight lifting off your shoulders? This sounds like a very positive step. Well done you!

[Blueberry]

Thanks Contessa   

It actually feels as if I've been in full-body casing minus the head and the casing has come apart in the middle with one half falling to the right and one to the left. As if in my desperate struggle to keep going and to find some employment I could do, I was living in a shell which was holding me upright. Or something like that. It certainly feels good that I've decided to give up that struggle. I feel much lighter. 

[Kizzie]

Yay you BB!!               

[Kat]

Well done!! Good. For. You. I'm so proud of you and happy for you!!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Kat and Kizzie 

[Blueberry]

So I come back to read here to remember why I made this decision. I'm not regretting it exactly because I know it is the correct decision for the moment and for a good long moment too. It's just that when I'm no longer focussed on trying to find p/t work, then I start feeling some of the mirky depths below...

[Contessa]

Ah... did reading back on this post help pull you out? Or is the mirk getting deeper?

[Blueberry]

It helped pull me out!

Today I mentioned my decision to a group of acquaintances - it's difficult, I avoided eyecontact. One person was a bit critical but I just said my T is quite OK with my decision and my doc will be when I tell him. So how would an acquaintance know better than them?? And then a person with MS went on to explain how she is beginning to accept her own status of physical disability, like she's started using a walking stick.

Today I also got notification that the course I was teaching and turned down after 2 lessons, well, they've got a new instructor now so I don't have to hang on any longer. Not tomorrow, not next week. Never. I'm not teaching groups any more. Full stop. The relief I feel at not having to struggle through that tomorrow is helping to keep me 'pulled out'.   

p.s. I think it's actually "murky depths". Mirk(wood) exists in Tolkien's world. But i'm too lazy too check.

[Kizzie]

I can feel your relief about the course BB, obviously you made the right decision for yourself. Great self-care my friend!      

[Contessa]

Yess!
What a positive affirmation for that decision then; with that little bit of hindsight it's wonderful to know you've done some good for yourself.

With that weight off, i'm confident that in time your strengths - whatever they may be - will slowly and silently build up. I know my capacity to function has been increasing exponentially over the last year or two.

And the mirk - yes, ha! I did check the spelling against yours. That explains the contradictory ethereal feeling I got from the word

Well done Blueberry. I'm be eager to hear about how life is shaping up as a result

[Blueberry]

Well, I've already been researching the how-tos of turning my work at the farm into some type of position for somebody (me of course  ) with a psychological disability. I don't think I'll be deciding on this overnight or anything, but impetus is to start looking into it. So I'll see. I have one appointment (the lawyer's) that may help and another I need to organise.

[Blueberry]

I was up at the farm yesterday and then had some of my easier profession in the afternoon and evening. Kind of a long day. I feel really tired today. Had all sorts of things planned, most of which I haven't done. In fact, I slept most of the afternoon.

Whatever it is that is making me tired, it means I'm not fit for the normal job market. Realisation of the moment.  for realisation.

It could be the long day yesterday, it could be the progress I made yesterday at not getting an EF about the garden stuff, it could be ongoing thoughts on friendships (since I'm working on / just completed three of those atm) and a sort of delayed reaction to the strenuousness of time on  Saturday with one friend. It could be my thoughts and worries on the garden. I am going to have to dig up a pile of plants and move to another part of garden. There is information I need from landlords so that I can make a good decision of where so as not to have to dig up plants again in 1year ?, 2 ? years? 3? That's part of the problem too. Landlords don't tell us in advance. Broaching this is difficult for me and it's relatively easy for somebody to brush me off with "yeah, yeah, yeah, go away and leave us alone".

Yes really, progress exhausts me. Maybe it means something is rearranging in my brain? After all, our cptsd-ravaged brains are the bits of us that are healing from injury. After I decided to no longer keep Little Furries my T said allowing myself time and space for things to come up and for healing is the most important thing atm, not just doing 'whatever' including looking after Little Furries or any other seemingly important things. So yeah, same with continuing to take a break from looking for p/t work and tying myself down with employers, schedules, 'musts', 'shoulds' and 'have to'  - it's not priority and possibly preventing me from healing in other areas which are more important emotionally-speaking even if from an objective normal person's outside perspective, it might not look that way. How could the rearrangement of your garden be more important than earning money? When healing the underlying issues of the former needs to take place before you're capable of earning more money!

[Blueberry]

This evening I went to my professional association's bi-monthly meeting and spoke about my decision. I'm still a member of the association and I'm still intending to do the odd contract work but I spoke honestly about what my limits are e.g. a job one of them might need 2 hours for and tell the client 2 days (be on the safe side in case of whatever...), I have to stipulate a week to remove pressure.

A couple of people commented that it sounds like a really hard decision to make, and it is. I noticed that while I was talking about it. I can remember thinking and even writing (here? paper Journal?) that it's sad that in a profession where my work is seen objectively, from outside, as good, I still can't do the work with any regularity. cptsd gets in the way every time. Now when I talk about my decision I'm feeling the pain more. Pain at accepting the terrible effect cptsd has had and continues to have on my life. It sounds kind of  to say "terrible effect" but I think nonetheless it has had a terrible effect in a ton of different ways. It's an illness and debilitating. Or injury, if you like, and debilitating. 

[Kalmer]

Hi Blueberry,

This sounds like a positive move. It would be the wrong decision to put yourself in danger of having a(nother) stress relapse etc. I hope things work out for you and you can enjoy the work you are able to do.