Decision - Part A

[Kizzie]

BB what about harnessing your CPTSD to earn in something where you're self-employed?  I've noticed when looking around for advocacy/awareness items (t-shirts, cups, posters, etc) relating to CPTSD that there isn't much available as yet, perhaps because it is relatively new.  I have seen in my meanderings around the net though that businesses like CafePress do offer opportunities to design and produce this kind of thing - see https://www.cafepress.com/cp/info/sell/?refId=30.

Just a thought 

[Blueberry]

No really, Kizzie, it's not lack of ideas or opportunities. The difficulties sit way deeper. That's why I've finally accepted my official health status "not fit for the normal job market" but am keeping going with my self-employed status in a minor way. I can't deal with stress and pressure and starting up in another field would involve stress and pressure.

In my country you can have the status "not fit for own profession" (meaning you could train for something else or just do some job or other) or you can have the status "not fit for the normal job market". The latter is what I have and have had since day one. There really is a reason for it. It's conceivable that my employment status might improve a bit, if I leave the pressure off for a good long time, semi-indefinitely basically. Because once I think to myself: "Maybe I'll be back on my feet and capable of working in this situation and that in two years", then the pressure's back. Other people might manage to not turn that into pressure but I'm not "other people".

Thank you Kalmer, those are really good wishes.    Enjoying the work I am capable of means staying in the moment and noticing what I'm doing, really aware of what I'm doing and how well I'm doing it. Yeah, another stress relapse wouldn't be a good thing. I've allowed myself far too many of those already.

[Kizzie]

OK BB, got it finally 

[Blueberry]

   Kizzie

[Contessa]

It's conceivable that my employment status might improve a bit, if I leave the pressure off for a good long time, semi-indefinitely basically. Because once I think to myself: "Maybe I'll be back on my feet and capable of working in this situation and that in two years", then the pressure's back.

Perfect way of expressing that. I identify completely

[Blueberry]

Almost 3 months later and I'm still keeping the pressure off as much as possible.

otoh I'm also improving my advertising a bit for the one type of profession I'm keeping to. This comes as a good surprise!  I feel a large sense of relief that I'm taking a break from the other profession. Also relief that I'm not trying to get any kind of badly paid, low-skills job that would nevertheless be very hard for me due to anxiety, exhaustion, getting on with other people etc.

[Blueberry]

Have sort of accepted some contract work in the other profession, the one I'm supposedly taking a break from

I suppose deep down I don't want to call it quits. I want to find some way of working freelance in this profession without getting ill again and/or days of EFs. I told the client I'd give him a cost estimate this afternoon. Well it's now this evening and I haven't finished it. The client himself said Friday morning would be fine too, but I know it doesn't look too professional when I say Thursday afternoon but don't act till Friday. I don't like waiting on tenterhooks either, wondering if a client is really going to get back to me, and when one doesn't, I pretty automatically come to some conclusions about that person. Often as not, it's just "OK, inexperienced member of the public" rather than "unreliable (small) business owner". But I look more like the latter.

However, at least I recognise my behaviour pattern. Putting off completing cost estimate. I'd really like somebody to come and do it for me, including the client. But that's not being very responsible towards myself. After all, the client doesn't know how much effort goes into this type of work and he has already said he's on a shoe-string budget, well at least for this part of the project.

The advantages for me on working on this one-year project would be very small amounts of work with no quick turn-around, which is unusual in this branch in this day and age. Usually clients want twice the amount done yesterday or ten times the amount by the end of the week, neither of which I can manage.

I am worried about underselling myself more than is necessary. But then I recognised ICr in the form of M and B1, but especially M being disparaging about my getting minimum wage jobs as a student. At that time I was delighted to get any job, especially as I had to look for weeks every summer. B1 in comparison got way better jobs at way better pay. And then M and B1 would go onto disparaging me for my non-ability to negotiate for better pay. The descriptors "loser" and "failure" tended to be bandied about in respect to me and I believed them too for the most part. So, yes, now I understand at a deeper level why I put off completing my cost estimate.

Once I complete the cost estimate and get it agreed to, I then have to actually buckle down and do the work. That may sound obvious but I don't think that's always obvious to all parts of me. Well, mini steps forward in noticing what's going on.

[Three Roses]

mini steps forward in noticing what's going on.

Many (mini? ) steps make a journey.

[Blueberry]

I didn't get up till noon, a sure bad sign. But in the end after talking to the person in question I agreed to doing the first part of the work. The price I set was obviously a bit too low even because then he said he'd up it a bit.  I ended up laughing while writing that bit. I tend to undersell myself. But then sometimes I decide to be assertive and demand a better price and go way too high and lose a potential client. 

However this time it's heartening to see that the client is not acting the way FOO especially M often predicted. "You didn't negotiate (properly), you'll be getting minimum wage." I remember one time she said that, I actually got a bit more than minimum because the company quite simply paid more, even to their summer students. I remember I'd been so happy that I had a job after so much searching, I didn't ask about the wage. It's too long ago for me to know why not, but thinking back maybe I didn't dare or maybe I didn't really care - having a job at all was the main thing. That's not what FOO saw. But I do now.

That's the main thing. How do I see myself and my current decisions. And how looking back do I see myself and the decisions I made? I can re-parent Blueberry as a late teen / early twenties who desperately needed encouragement and praise and got the opposite. There's a saying "It is never too late to have a happy childhood" which I can apply here. It's never too late to do the healing work of treating my Inner Teen, Inner Young Adult better than FOO did.

Wow! Two more requests for work have just come in and I also have to get ready for my afternoon client. Today things are looking up!! 

[Blueberry]

Going forward with one of the requests, won't be taking on the other. I'm being good to myself when I turn something down because it would be too much of a struggle. I'd much rather suggest the client tries a colleague or two. Other people in my branch might do a cost estimate and then find a freelance colleague to complete the work and take a cut. It's legitimate but it's far too much stress for me. I don't even want to think about it. So I just pass work on.

One of the colleagues I pass on to sometimes helps me with a minor question for free in return. So long as I'm content with this state of affairs, especially if I consider the alternative, it's none of ICr's business!! ICr is internalised FOO. They can all take a hike. They are certainly getting quieter. I am allowing them less rent-free space in my head and emotions. 

[PeTe]

Hi Blueberry. Seems like you've created some breathing space for yourself, and now you're searching for what's a nice balance. Sounds like good thing  I remember quitting my Master's thesis after years of struggling, and how well that felt. I was able to start doing other things quite fast. Seems like you're finding your motivation in the different kinds of work you do.

[Three Roses]

Hi, PeTe! 

[PeTe]

Hi Three Roses!  Sorry for temporarily hijacking the thread, Blueberry, but I guess it's been a while since last i posted 

[Blueberry]

Hi Blueberry. Seems like you've created some breathing space for yourself, and now you're searching for what's a nice balance. Sounds like good thing  I remember quitting my Master's thesis after years of struggling, and how well that felt. I was able to start doing other things quite fast. Seems like you're finding your motivation in the different kinds of work you do.

Thanks for your validation Yes, I'm still working on finding a balance. I don't think in my case that things will move particularly fast, but I'm happy for you that it worked out that way. However, things will get unclogged at least and I will be able to move forward at all, for a while until something else clogs. That's big for me.

PeTe, it's good to see you back on the boards, though of course if you've been away IRL getting on with healing or life in general, that's even better.

[Blueberry]

Have sort of accepted some contract work in the other profession, the one I'm supposedly taking a break from

I suppose deep down I don't want to call it quits. I want to find some way of working freelance in this profession without getting ill again and/or enduring days of EFs.

Since Monday I even have two contracts in this profession. One is actually editing but making corrections in this job includes some translation. The editing I can manage better than translation, but it's still difficult. The very fact that I'm putting off doing it tells me a lot. When I'm preparing my tutoring so long as I'm not sitting in an EF, I almost joyfully get on with it. Creative ideas for this or that student pop up... Not so for translation. I really have to push myself. Not surprising it's so hard since I do have a motto "Should is never good for me" (and 'must' is even worse).

So I'm learning to mindfully notice what deeper levels of me say, they're saying "No" to translation atm, except in a few very select cases. There are reasons for this! Very late last night I did EFT on "I love and accept myself even though I can't translate at the moment". It seems much harder for me to accept this than when I accepted that I can't and don't want to teach groups any more. I noticed the stress of handling people in a group is just way too much for me, just stresses me so much, it's not worth it. It also stresses me so much I get ill. The stress caused by translation - well, it's presumably a full-blown amygdala hijack the way my brain goes on strike after a sentence or two. I think the stress still goes inwards, into brain-blockage, blank brain whereas the stress of teaching a group of people does go outwards to a degree, into anger/annoyance.

OK, now I understand the difference. I don't want to teach groups anymore, I still want to translate despite the harm it does to me. I think the struggle does harm my brain in some way. cptsd is a brain injury and I think pushing myself further than I'm able (which is pretty obviously the case when I have to give my brain a break after a sentence or even a couple of words) is likely to at least not help, but possibly even exacerbate the injury. Fits of course, I am a self-harmer. Mini steps, still continuing to notice.

Once I complete the cost estimate and get it agreed to, I then have to actually buckle down and do the work. That may sound obvious but I don't think that's always obvious to all parts of me.

This, too. It seems that once I've gone through the difficult process of cost estimate and getting it accepted plus very elementary steps in beginning the translating like scanning it and 'filing' in the appropriate place on my computer, it feels like enough work for payment. Of course objectively speaking it's not, but that doesn't hinder how deeper feeling parts of me react to the situation. So, it's too much. It's too early.      M and B1 appear in my head. But at least that tells me there is some connection between them or their part of my ICr and this topic.

Decision: As hard as it is - I need to refuse all translations except criminal records with no entries (because they are very easy for me ) I need to continue my break from translation. I do realise that it's too early to embark on translating children's literature which is still a dream of mine. And here, I can forgive and accept myself that it is the case. But not with other translations. Now that I've written about it - that might help, might be a stepping stone on way to acceptance and self-forgiveness.