Decision - Part A

[Contessa]

Ah BB! I might be behind the times on this one, but now I understand what particular work you have been writing about. Translating seems like a mentally intense job, and I can understand taking a break from accepting work in that area.

Glad you're keeping a foot in with criminal records. I'm sure that by limiting the work and building back up with small comfortable steps, you'll in actual fact be translating children's books before you know it. Much faster than if you accepted and pushed ahead with a challenge. I think you're doing great! Keep at it x

[PeTe]

Thanks Blueberry. I guess I've focused on functioning at work, and have succeeded in that (thoguh I'm still working reduced). Now I feel that my free-time is my biggest problem, and I have to focus more on myself and my feelings again. Guess I needed to come back here 

[thetruth]

Post under review by author!! 

[Blueberry]

Oops I see I made the decision last year too.

My T also said that my acceptance of my own inability to work in the field I've stopped working in will free up so much energy. I recognised myself that I'd been fighting for years to keep going. "Inability" isn't even the right word. Partly it's unwillingness, but in a good way. I'm unwilling to do something that is mentally so strenuous because of all the psychological stuff going on. All the FOO sentences causing so much self-doubt and leading to continuous self-harm while I'm working. The cognitive ability is there. Clients and previous employers praise (d) my results but have no idea of the cost to me personally to produce the work. They have noticed that it can take quite a long time for me to finish the work, that it's hard for me to meet deadlines, but the mental and psychological cost - there they have no idea! I do though. And it's been my decision to take a long break, possibly forever.

For some reason I have trouble sticking to it. Topic for T tomorrow, methinks.

[Blueberry]

Today an acquaintance and potential client came by to ask if I could work on a pretty long project for him. Well, at least it's long by my standards. Interesting subject matter and I feel tempted but I took my time to let the "No" come up through my feelings rather than just being a cognitive thing. Then it was easy to turn the project down with no regrets.

I was able to explain to him why a different translator would be better and even found a potential one through my professional association. I also explained some things to him about the profession, pitfalls to look out for etc. He has no hard feelings that I said 'no, thanks" and I feel good about my decision.

[Three Roses]

Well done!   

[Boatsetsailrose]

Good news blueberry and i can relate .
Coming to the place of accepting that i can't outrun this condition when it comes to work has been a relief too.

Quote
it's just not worth the price I pay in exhaustion and in pressure.

Also with the realisation of having a disability this has led me to start letting myself of the 'social and employment hook more and concentrate on getting my needs met. Disability Im learning needs compassion and kindness and we deserve that. Exhaustion is exhausting .

[Blueberry]

Yesterday in my therapy session I decided officially and finally to stop trying to get a 'normal' P/T job in the 'normal' workforce, with an employer. After 17 years struggling in therapy and work-onself between times to recover enough to support myself in the medium-term or even long-term, I have decided that a) it's not going to happen in the medium-term and b) it's just not worth the price I pay in exhaustion and in pressure. Now that I've made this decision, I can literally feel the pressure falling away. I feel e.g. that no, I won't need to pay for a healing retreat in August just so as I can keep going.  This strenuous "keep-going" was keeping going not with life but with life not accepting my disability as such.

From the very beginning of this thread.

So now that the pressure has been somewhat better off for a good long while, I notice that I'm not actually quite through with employment. Also working a few hours per day at the yoga centre in January showed me I actually am capable of some work other than my freelance work, under certain conditions.

Today I tried out working at a farm shop, not the farm I usually help out at, but one that's connected to it - so I know all the products. It went well. I was in the shop 3 hours, although there weren't customers non-stop. Of course I wasn't super-fast but I did manage to operate the weigh-scale cum cash registry and handle the change. Beyond that, I had to learn a few basic things like making coffee. But it was easy. The necessary number of little scoops is written on the tin, so I don't have to memorise it all and there's nobody in the background (from the farm) asking 'why on earth don't you know that'.

Atm there are only 2 people resident on the farm with the shop. They took it in turns to work with me or to be available for me to call to. They said they were both happy with how I worked. Such a change to when I tried a job at the farmer's market 1 or 2 years ago! I was so confused and felt out of my depth though apparently it didn't really show but I felt it.  The way they taught me at the market was very bad - they didn't bother showing me the ropes e.g. with the weigh-scale cum cash registry until it was really busy and then I couldn't learn fast enough, which stressed me out and I went into an EF and didn't have the means of getting out again. 

So it just shows me what a difference when people bother to teach me properly

I had a request for a translation today and a couple of days ago too. It didn't take much thinking on my part to turn both down

[Kizzie]

   Glad it went well.       You're absolutely correct about it mattering how others help you to learn, you're each half of the equation 

[Blueberry]

So now that the pressure has been somewhat better off for a good long while, I notice that I'm not actually quite through with employment. Also working a few hours per day at the yoga centre in January showed me I actually am capable of some work other than my freelance work, under certain conditions.

I've been in an EF for a little while and at least part of it is employment-related.

It is good that I'm allowing myself a re-think on my decision of last June, which was to give up looking for p/t employment beyond what I do freelance. However I do notice atm a certain amount of pressure building up and also of course quite simply 'topics' resurfacing. Quite obviously the trauma I endured at the hands of FOO had a terrible effect on my ability to work for pay and so when I'm reconsidering, memories resurface, my ICr. is having a pretty good time. I'm countering ICr.'s comments, but this is pretty strenuous. I've had the feeling over the past few days that I'm giving up and not moving forwards.

Today I realised: I could do with a break before any change in employment status and also before I take on Little Furries for 4-10 weeks. Looked about to see if there are any therapy long weekends in near future: no. Then I thought about one of those yoga places again - not the one where I had problems with Narc Woman in January but a different one, geographically closer. I've just attempted to register and I'll see in a few hours whether they still have space at the end of next week. It would actually be a holiday and not working p/t for them. So all those yoga advantages: healthy food, exercise daily, singing. I would do it all because it's there and you have to do the yoga exercises, meditate, sing etc anyway. The food is all prepared so of course I eat it and not some junk.

One of the reasons I decided to give up looking for p/t work was that it seems I then need expensive T workshops to manage, but yoga workshops are actually cheaper and more importantly I'm not OK with standing still in my healing. I actually want to move forwards and attempting to get back on the normal job market is helping me move forwards, whether or not I in the end find my way back into the normal workforce. For myself though, I need to attempt it.

[Blueberry]

I went to an unemployment 'circle' this morning that I haven't been to for months and spoke about my new thoughts and then on the way home I briefly spoke to the owner of the local shop who offerred me p/t employment.

I managed to pinpoint her on how many hours a week she's thinking of - just 2 half days would be enough and she also said I should go ahead with the farm shop in August in addition if I want because "we can deal with that". So now that I have more clarity, I don't feel as if I'm about to collapse again. I can also deal with the yoga place saying they're full up in the time I could get away.

Obviously people will say that you should get clarity, take the steps and ask. But of course there are reasons back in my childhood trauma and continuing trauma that make it really difficult for me to get clarity. Especially with future employers. But it is getting better

[Kizzie]

It sounds like you're trying to chart the best path forward while respecting your triggers and degree/type of recovery/healing you've had and want BB, and that you are figuring things out so kudos.     and    

Sorry you had an EF though, they suck. That being said, I've come to see that mine let me know what I still need to work on. (They still suck though  ).   

[Blueberry]

It sounds like you're trying to chart the best path forward while respecting your triggers and degree/type of recovery/healing you've had and want BB, and that you are figuring things out so kudos.     and    

Thanks!    A fair explanation of what's going on atm.

I was working in the farm shop again today, as a trial still. I noticed quite a number  of 'topics' to work on - Screen Processing, or with T, or maybe with my idea of occupational therapy. I thought I worked less well today than last week, especially serving and the till and so on. I did some very necessary cleaning. I have quite a good eye for that now - partially due to the yoga holiday work in January and partially due to working alongside somebody at the other farm who has to do thorough cleaning as he goes. He cleans before things even look dirty. I don't in my apartment, my apartment is a disaster atm, but when you're working with food, in places where there could be inspections then you have to be more particular. That won't come as a surprise to many people on here.

This is one of the 'topics'. There is part of me that wants to draw back and not touch things or if touch then like from far away or only with thumb and forefinger. The rest of me is shrieking "eek, eek, let's get away / let me out of here". Not the first time I've felt this way. I feel I'm slowly getting further into the feelings, closer to discovering what the original problem or the connection is. My T teaches me not to leap straight into feelings because that tends to overwhelm me and trigger me badly.

They're going to decide next week at a farm meeting whether to employ me in August. My gut feeling is that they won't. Atm I feel quite OK about that. I'm just not sure that I would manage, i.e. I'm really unsure that I would.

The yoga place is totally full up for paying guests, but I can go there for those 5 days working 3 hours a day. That feels good to me atm. Last time in January I made all sorts of progress, despite Narc Women, so I'm sure I will this time too. There won't necessarily be a Narc there, I hope not. But even if there is, I'm better equipped to deal with it than in January because of having already done so.

[Kizzie]

The whole employment issue was difficult for me also so I understand to some extent what you're going through. It's just a minefield for so many of us so thanks for sharing as you work through all of this. It's good to see your progress. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks   I definitely am making progress with this topic atm. It wouldn't be counterproductive to do a round of EFT on "Even though I didn't work very well and don't think I'd manage the job, I still love and accept myself" but I don't desperately need to! I am accepting myself That is real progress for me.

I also have some more ideas on where I could maybe apply, on top of the other shop (non-food) where I've been asked if I could imagine doing a few hours a week as of June, but can try out earlier. I think it's beginning to feel the way it should  - not devastation that something didn't work out and how am I going to survive and all that triggered stuff, but just - OK, then not. What's the next step?

Today I taught a couple of people as usual and then I started sifting through a few piles of paper in my office, throwing some papers out and filing others. I also cleared a bunch of 'debris' off my cork board and binned or filed. It feels as if I've discarded the idea of being employed by the farm and now I've been discarding some things in my office too. Not that there's any obvious connection - the papers are all connected to my professional work. But somehow - some emotional or 'brain path' similarity. Or something.