Decision - Part A

[Boatsetsailrose]

Great to hear blueberry self acceptance and self compassion are beautiful gifts to give ourselves .
Well done

[Blueberry]

Thanks Boatssetsail 

Having decided that I won't be trying to get a proper position on the 'other farm', but might like to go there from time to time and help with a few tasks that I'd like to do - well I'm still mulling some of that. I think it is the right decision for a number of reasons. I'll always be able to go to  the farm I regularly work at and as of now the connected one too to do what I want to do (as opposed to maybe what they desperately need someone for) in my own time, without rushing.

My idea of working at the 'other farm' came about partly because of my helpful instinct. I discovered they're short of people and one suggestion was to reduce opening times at the farm shop or even close it on certain days. That's not a good idea because a lot of people discover the place walking past on hikes. It is a little cafe too, not just the shop. Fewer opening hours, less profit. I thought I could help out. I don't think now after trying it out that I'm the right person for the job or that the job is the right one for me. However, I note my impulse to try out different work, different workplace with different people. Just 2 days of that was good. There is work I could do in the summer which wouldn't be in the shop, like in the greenhouse or on the vegetable and flower plot which they would show me how to do. Not for pay but for my usual - board and lodging, which is mostly food to take home actually. Both farms are actually in lovely surroundings but the second one I don't know so well because I'm not there so often. So for me it would be like a little working holiday. In the warmer months there's a lovely pond nearby you can swim in.

They actually need somebody to clean behind the counter in the shop more regularly, though I'm not sure if they realise that. Doing that would actually be good for me, so it would be a win-win situation!

[Kizzie]

Wow, that sounds lovely BB, especially swimming in the pond  

[Boatsetsailrose]

Fabulous ....inspirational relationship between self care and working actions.
I love being out of the ' rat race and the must do shoulds do's.
Out door swimming can be so healing blessed .
I am also looking to volunteer one afternoon a week on a farm learning more about growing veggies etc exciting

[Blueberry]

I'm still floundering around with this.

I accepted a multi-part translation job for an acquaintance. It looks pretty easy but actually it's not. Some of the 'not' is to do with word-processing and tables more than anything else. I tend to flounder around in those. But wasn't I stopping this translation work altogether, except for one particular type of document not in this particular job? Yeah, well, always changing my mind on this. Or getting sucked back into it, no doubt.

I've been avoiding getting out of bed for days because of this hanging over me. As I wrote further up thread: it's just not worth it in terms of energy expended. When I do finally get out of bed and stay out, I find all manner of things to do to avoid getting on with my work. Today I even went and bought addiction food. After that i did finally get on with my translation. I really honestly don't know how much of this is cptsd-related and how much is based on years of practice of not getting on with things. Though that in itself started in childhood and is certainly connected to general FOO dysfunction.

I wanted to check some stuff on my professional association forum but I've forgotten my password and haven't so far had the energy or something - courage maybe - to click on the button to ask for a new one. I'm ashamed, even though I don't even have to engage with a person about it.

Well, at least I have started the job now, finally

[Blueberry]

After having given up the idea of working in the farm-shop, I haven't been back to the other farm since and in a way I'm missing it. I could've gone on Friday actually but I decided I should get on with my translation instead. I didn't though, not at all! I stayed in bed most of the day, so it would actually have been much more useful to go to the farm. NTS.

[Kizzie]

I find when I procrastinate it's often b/c I am telling myself I should do something. I think my teen self then plants her heels and lets me know if I go ahead with the should thing she is going to make it difficult (and she does).      

In the spirit of befriending my parts I am becoming more cognizant of her wishes these days and I do try not to get as caught up in as many "shoulds" as I used to (and there were a lot so she was not being unreasonable).  It sounds like you're very aware of turning the volume down on the "shoulds" too. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

I can relate decisions send me to bed too ... For me i think its the young girl just gets overwhelmed ...compassion and gentle actions work best . 
Example ' ok little one we can watch this film and then we.will get up and do a little xyz and then do.something else fun . .

[Blueberry]

...compassion and gentle actions work best . 
Example ' ok little one we can watch this film and then we.will get up and do a little xyz and then do.something else fun .

You're right. I used to act the way you're suggesting far more often, including talking directly to an internal LO.

[Blueberry]

I do try not to get as caught up in as many "shoulds" as I used to (and there were a lot so she was not being unreasonable). 

Yes, same for me. There were a lot of shoulds and there are undoubtedly still too many, even though I have reduced them.

[Blueberry]

I accepted a multi-part translation job for an acquaintance. It looks pretty easy but actually it's not. Some of the 'not' is to do with word-processing and tables more than anything else. I tend to flounder around in those. But wasn't I stopping this translation work altogether, except for one particular type of document not in this particular job? Yeah, well, always changing my mind on this. Or getting sucked back into it, no doubt.

NTS

It's really useful that I have this thread on here. I come back to read it often. I received a translation enquiry today. The potential client is dropping by tomorrow to show me the documents. I did say I might pass them on to another freelancer. Having read in here as well as looked at my calendar and thought about the number of written applications etc. I actually want to do over the next week, as well as those that just plain need to be done, there is no way I should be taking this translation on.

"Getting sucked back into it" - simply 'somebody needs me' or as also in this case 'a lawyer I know passed my name onto the  potential client' so somehow I feel I 'should' do the work otherwise I'm letting the lawyer down?? or something. Not quite sure what's going on with that bit, not quite feeling it. It'll probably come clear in a day or two.

[Blueberry]

It's about a month later and I'm on my second multi-part translation job. I don't even feel that I'm floundering as much as with the previous one in March, so that's progress The other progress both times is that I've taken on more than 2 pages. My limit was 2 pages per contract for quite a while - over a year at least, several years in fact I think. Between contracts I needed several weeks' break from translating, though I could get on with other things after maybe about a day's break. In my first multi-part translation job in March, I needed to take several days' break mid-contract. That's not the case here either! A few hours, yes, but that's a lot different from a few days!

Something seems to be healing somewhere in my brain, emotions or not sure where exactly

I'm also once again discovering little things in word-processing which make my work a bit easier These are things which I quite simply do not have the mental and emotional energy to dare to do, to simply approach when idk exactly my brain isn't up to it / my brain is dealing with too much cptsd, or something.

So it all makes sense now that the decision I first posted about upthread has not ended up being a final, irrevocable decision.

[Blueberry]

There seem to be more blockages unblocking Often small things - small items or scraps of paper I can throw out after all. Feeling the motivation to amalgamate scraps of potentially useful information in a computer file, where I will actually be able to find them. That entails wanting to be able to find them so that I can do particular types of work. For, ahem, years I knew I should amalgamate this type of information which is why I kept it, but if you're on the verge of giving up your profession, why amalgamate? Now I would say I'm suddenly getting a bit more decisive about it. Also I couldn't amalgamate before. It's like not being able to file things in the proper place. There are probably more times than not when I just can't do so. Or at least up until now there have been. Maybe even that is changing?

Some larger things:  I generally find the field of business as a subject area singularly boring and also incomprehensible. Not my thing. My mind goes blank. Even if I research a bit, I don't seem to be able to retain the information. I have a new adult student who works in quality control. I'm able to teach her, so far anyway. I don't dread the lessons. I have a potential new adult student who is in higher level management. Not that long ago, I would have said that me and business don't mix and he'd be better off finding somebody else. Today, I looked at his company's website and thought: I can do this. I have offered him a trial appointment next week. 

[Three Roses]

Wow! Great news, BB! 

[Blueberry]

Thanks