Decision - Part A

[Blueberry]

I'm supposedly doing another translation and finding it difficult to get on with. Though I'm actually finding it difficult to get on with lots of different things atm too, like phoning my landlord. That could be connected to having a cold and me generally feeling not too well and/or lacking energy. Or it could be connected to processing going on internally on FOO issues. Yes, so, it might not be a 'work' issue at all.

A couple of days ago I started work on the translation and figured out some further word-processing stuff I need to be able to do.

[Not Alone]

Sounds like you're having one of those days when everything is hard. I so get that! When I have things that really need to get done, I set small goals. Sometimes I work on it for 15 minutes and I set a timer. A couple of days ago I had an area that I needed to clean. I was really overwhelmed. I asked myself, "Can you take this one box downstairs?" Yes, and then other boxes followed. Baby steps with a lot of self-care and compassion.   

[Blueberry]

You're right notalone, that's the kind of way I try to act too when things are really difficult. Take the compost down into the garden, wash one mug, congratulate myself for putting my dirty plate over by the sink instead of leaving it on the table. Thanks for the reminder about those baby steps. 

[Blueberry]

Unfortunately, I bit off more than I can chew.  But I'm going to have to push through with it anyway. Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined. But I can't now. Too late.

Ditto. Have to push through.

Actually I'm not even sure I have to push through. Apart from the fact that 'have to' often doesn't work and certainly isn't today. I could throw in the towel on this piece of contract work. Of course the client won't be too happy but I can give them the option of finding somebody else or waiting till Friday AM. I can also say I've been ill today. How else can you label an EF (or just putting off and putting off) for someone without cptsd?
...

The money I'd get is just not worth it for the amount of SH and eating disorder I've been doing since yesterday.

Just copied this from a different Employment thread of mine. I've been reading back in various of my Employment threads, partially looking for those posts of "Should have declined." I got offered a 5 page translation contract today. Partially I leap at the chance though knowing it's maybe not the best idea. Work-wise I do have capacity, but there are lots of other things - including really important things - I need to get on with tomorrow. Already done some today, but there are more to tackle. Saturday is a day I often can't work very well for some reason. Sunday eve heading to the farm till Monday eve and that would just leave Tuesday to complete this contract job and get it into the post by 6 pm. Too much stress for me. It's not worth it. Before starting the job, I have to set a price which in itself feels like work to me.

So instead of sitting there on Saturday thinking to myself "Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined.", I'm going to decline now. 

[Snowdrop]

 

[Blueberry]

Actually overnight I came up with a different solution: Ask the company for help with the kind of stuff I tie myself in knots with including the price. I've just spoken to them and they're agreeable to helping me with two computer / word-processing things and were also willing to give me a price. I accepted their price, just adding post & packaging to it, which they agreed with.

I feel overwhelmingly relieved. I've written about this before - just judging my costs and deciding on a price to set exhausts me no end. By the time I've done it, it feels so much like work to me that I need a break of a day or more to even start the translation itself. Now, instead, I feel good, well-grounded and empowered. I managed a successful negotiation!!

There is this very small appearance of ICr. (my M) with "you should have haggled for a higher price. He was expecting you to do so Now he knows he can take advantage next time But the voice is very much in the background. And I know that this voice is WRONG! Expressly using loud voice to that ICr. and it's working! Inner image of M - she's turned away, hasn't left yet, but that will come.

They still have to get back to the client and see if the client agrees. In the meantime I feel I can lay the case to rest till I hear back from them and I can get on with those other things I need to do this morning  

I did do some things yesterday too, including inquiring whether I could still get a free spot at a teaching seminar. That too - I couldn't figure it out on the website and I'd not got round to inquiring for 2-3 weeks because it is so much psychological effort. But I did yesterday and now I have a spot  

NTS: This is all huge progress.

[Snowdrop]

Wow. Yes, this sounds like a massive step forward. Well done you! 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for validating, Snowdrop 

_________________________

The client accepted and I've got the job. Between the notification email and my confirmation of receipt, I had to figure out a few new computer things (new to me) and I managed all that as well. I do notice tension in my guts and fear. It's mindful of me to be pausing to take note of this and it would definitely be beneficial for me to work through it a bit with EFT or something before continuing. I'm already yawning without the EFT so there's obviously 'something' going on. 

[Blueberry]

I did go off and do my EFT, often a thing I put off so I did a few rounds with normal sentences: I accept and forgive / accept and love myself although... That worked - lots of yawning etc. But then an inspiration when going on to a new sentence. Not the bulky "I accept, love and forgive myself for being able to figure out the computer stuff" but simply "Congratulations on figuring out the computer stuff" 3 times through and I yawned like crazy. My T has been working with me to use both EFT and Screen Processing for reinforcing the Good as well as toning down the Bad. But I'm not sure how effective reinforcing the Good has been. Last time it brought up a few too many hobgoblins, this one seems to have been far more productive. Now I'm tired, but it's because I'm processing.

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

Big steps, great progress. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks 
____________________________________
Well, I've been working on it for a couple of hours but I notice my concentration is deteriorating so I need a break.

Recently somebody who works with adults with a range of disabilities and illnesses who I came across privately gave me a slightly different perspective on the work I do. She said that my goal maybe isn't to be a successful businesswoman in the normal sense but to allow myself to grow with my work and use the abilities and creativity that I have. I'm not sure that I'm explaining it very well. Sort of like not banning myself from translation or teaching because I can't work quickly and efficiently enough (yet) to earn a decent hourly wage. Instead: See the good both do for me and allow  myself to do them anyway. It feels much less stressful already! And I'm actually enjoying doing the necessary terminology research without worrying about it being time-consuming   

[Three Roses]

I love it when someone says something so illuminating, that helps me see things from a new angle! Awesome! 

[Jazzy]

That's great Blueberry! I second that, for sure. Work to improve, and be happy with yourself, not to meet "standards".

[Blueberry]

Today has been a bit mixed. I was up and working on the farm by 3 am. I don't usually start till 6, but I'm learning some new things atm so that I can better help when the guy I work with is on holiday in 2 weeks. He's just taking 2 days off but it's a crucial 2 days in the week. He's never ever taken both of them as holiday before, and now he is. Nobody really knows his Monday work off pat. I'm getting more daring in what I just decide to do and practise and I notice I'm getting better at some of my tasks. It's good to be a part of and understand the whole process.

I also notice what jobs I don't think I'll be able to do no matter what. That includes lighting the gas ring. There's something traumatic behind it but I don't know what. Something I can't overcome atm, can't force myself through. I got in touch with a couple of occupational Ts to see if either of them could help me with it, but neither have capacity in the next while. In this kind of case, an occupational T can provide a 'safe setting' for me which then allows me to feel into what my IC or ICs are having problems with and potentially solve the problem or at least work on it by talking the ICs through it. These things have so far been caused by early to mid childhood trauma (so not even teenager) and often the connection isn't obvious. It's not enough for some person or other or even a friend to go through this with me, I really need a professional.

The difficult thing today has been translation. I was too tired by the time I got home to really have a go at it and beyond that I intended to phone the translation agency to ask 2 fairly important questions, but I couldn't face it. Not primarily because I was tired but because asking questions is difficult. I can feel that this difficulty goes back in part to the ridicule I experienced at the hands of FOO when I asked or didn't know something. B1 would guffaw and laugh derisively in a really mean way and nobody stopped him or told him that wasn't on. Of course nobody told me that I wasn't stupid for not knowing things, except one grandmother. But by the time she did, it was too late. I was too far 'gone' to believe anything she said, because my parents put her down behind her back - not educated enough, what would she know. I was steeped too far in the FOO myth that only my nuclear FOO was to be trusted. Sadly enough because they actually were not to be trusted at all.

Anyway, whatever exactly is at the bottom of my problem, it's really difficult to ask for help or even clarification in case I'm being 'stupid' and 'wasting people's time' and also in case of ridicule. There is somebody on my professional forum who tends to harsh responses when he thinks somebody has asked a question they 'ought' to know. That puts me off asking questions on the forum, although I do occasionally. Maybe he's a bit of a Narc    In this case I need a bit of help from the translation agency because only they have direct contact to the client. I'll have to phone them tomorrow morning, but I'm already stressing a bit about what they're going to think of me - contacting them so late. Theoretically I shouldn't care what they think so long as I get the work finished and shipped on time but I'm not healed enough on this point to not care. At least writing it out has made it clearer and should make it easier to not throw the towel in on translation work.

Anyway, onwards with the actual work.