Decision - Part A

[Blueberry]

Did some more "Congratulations!" EFT today. I'm not exactly panicking over my translation and there's no voice saying "should have declined", but am noticing it's difficult. I did get up the courage to phone the company today and ask a couple of questions They weren't stupid questions at all, but very relevant. It took me an hour to get up the courage but I did it. Next time maybe I'll do it faster, having noticed this time that the questions were relevant. In fact one of the questions would be good to ask as soon as contract accepted.

[Tee]

  yeah

[Kizzie]

I still can't do the work with any regularity. cptsd gets in the way every time. Now when I talk about my decision I'm feeling the pain more. Pain at accepting the terrible effect cptsd has had and continues to have on my life. It sounds kind of  to say "terrible effect" but I think nonetheless it has had a terrible effect in a ton of different ways. It's an illness and debilitating. Or injury, if you like, and debilitating.

CPTSD really is debilitating and it's yet another huge loss (career) to contend with.  I am so sorry you have had to make this decision my friend, I wish things were different for you and all of us    

[Blueberry]

I've been avoiding getting out of bed for days because of this hanging over me. As I wrote further up thread: it's just not worth it in terms of energy expended. When I do finally get out of bed and stay out, I find all manner of things to do to avoid getting on with my work. Today I even went and bought addiction food. After that i did finally get on with my translation. I really honestly don't know how much of this is cptsd-related and how much is based on years of practice of not getting on with things. Though that in itself started in childhood and is certainly connected to general FOO dysfunction.

It hasn't been so bad these past couple of days. Took me a long time to get out of bed on Sunday but I know that is sometimes to prevent myself from overdoing it. Also it was only one day . I've not been avoiding getting on with my work as much as I used to . My view now is that it is all cptsd-related because undoubtedly the years of practice of not getting on with things originated as a trauma response. 

Today I used some healthy responses to the difficult situation. I went out into the garden a few times as a break. Once I did a little weeding (grounding) and several times I checked what flowers are blooming and sniffed a tall yellow flowering plant called mullein. The bees like it - the scent is slightly intoxicating in a good way.

I had quick prepare food to begin with, that wasn't too unhealthy but later on I bought and ate addictive food. I 'knew' I couldn't continue without that crutch. It's probably even still true that I couldn't.

Then I had a bit of a brainwave: cancel my Wed. afternoon student and hand-deliver translation since I have to travel that direction by train tomorrow anyway. Which was a good idea because I was beginning to panic and the translation was meant to be at the post office 3 hours ago. Isn't even completed yet.

I had a 3 hour sleep, which I obviously needed. Now I'll be working the night shift but I like that anyway.
I also intend to email a professional forum colleague from my region, who's well-versed in this type of terminology and ask her a couple of things. I still don't dare to ask openly on the forum because of some of the snarky responses.

The 3 hour sleep was more a processing sleep than anything I think. I have an idea now that when I don't sleep, there's nothing much to process. When I do sleep there is. Also that it just might be my thing to sleep for a few hours, get on with some things, sleep for a few more hours etc. and that it might be good to accept that rhythm and work with it. Some animals including domestic ones run on that schedule so why not humans too? Or more particularly me?

Translation seemingly brings up a bunch of processing, which can be worthwhile in and of itself, obviously. So it'll just be a question of: how stressful does it get vs how useful. I've wanted to try translating small children's books for a long time and that may be a path I'll try. I would allow myself to not have the big idea of profit in mind first time around but just getting a foot in the door. It is a creative activity and artists and other creative workers don't necessarily earn a lot of money with their first work. In fact probably more the opposite.

It's been useful to write all this out. Now I can go back to the work at hand.

[Blueberry]

CPTSD really is debilitating and it's yet another huge loss (career) to contend with.  I am so sorry you have had to make this decision my friend, I wish things were different for you and all of us

Thank you for your compassion and understanding    The decision on what to do isn't quite set in concrete yet. But even having to mull this back and forth / on and off for years isn't 'normal' for someone my age. It's pretty difficult to contend with, but getting easier, which has a lot to do with all the support and I wise words I get on OOTS (as opposed to my professional forum)!! Thanks everybody 

[Boatsetsailrose]

I hear you blueberry and others..
I started a 3hr voluntary shift at a pre school today... I feel so stressed out now my poor nervous system is activated ++
It was only half full with kids too..
Ah well I tried..

[Blueberry]

Yes, Boats, you tried and I'm trying too. Hope you can de-stress and calm your nervous system. I haven't got on with anything since I last posted a couple of hours ago. I'm just doing avoidance though I 'have to' get this stuff done. Not that 'have to' works for me. A round of EFT might be more to the point.

fwiw half a roomful of kids would be super stressful for me. I used to just about manage 5 or 6 of them 6 years old and up. I can't anymore.

You tried Boats. Does that mean you've backed out? Or are you going to try one more time? Just interested. Either approach is viable. Idk what it's going to take for me to back out of translations. I still apparently can't let go 

[Not Alone]

Today I used some healthy responses to the difficult situation. I went out into the garden a few times as a break. Once I did a little weeding (grounding) and several times I checked what flowers are blooming and sniffed a tall yellow flowering plant called mullein. The bees like it - the scent is slightly intoxicating in a good way.

Sounds like a great way to take a break from work that is also grounding. 

[Blueberry]

Unfortunately, I bit off more than I can chew.  But I'm going to have to push through with it anyway. Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined. But I can't now. Too late.

Ditto. Have to push through.

Actually I'm not even sure I have to push through.
...
The money I'd get is just not worth it for the amount of SH and eating disorder I've been doing since yesterday.

Just copied this from a different Employment thread of mine. I've been reading back in various of my Employment threads, partially looking for those posts of "Should have declined." I got offered a 5 page translation contract today. Partially I leap at the chance though knowing it's maybe not the best idea.

So instead of sitting there on Saturday thinking to myself "Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined.", I'm going to decline now. 

Obviously, I didn't decline but it would have been better to do so. Just go back to accepting Criminal Record Checks or small projects where I can still take 4 weeks if I need it (sometimes happens if an acquaintance needs a translation done). I have progressed in healing but just way too much strenuous brain activity and stress (stress of a normal, non-cptsd, kind but still too much)

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi blueberry
Oh yes I'm up there with avoidance and slow... But we do what we can on any given day hey given we live with a brain injury..
I'm not sure at present re trying it again.. I look after a little girl 1 day a wk and I love that and she is brilliant company.
The pre school would really give me the educational side of things so I can update my old training... But I can see I'm just drawing to the familiar of caretaking and control my 2 pulls... I was def repelled yest with how military the environment was.. Basically training our future generations how to conform to the system and it made me realise actually how much that doesn't fit with my value system anymore..
Next stop I'm looking at a volunteer position of 'creative learning assistant' I like the idea of helping out in the arts world..

Take it easy all...
Calmer days take wise choices hey...

[Blueberry]

It took me a long time to get out of bed today too. I was at the farm where I usually get out of bed fairly easily, for a 6am start or even earlier e.g. 3am this Monday. It was meant to be 3am today too but I didn't get up till about 7am. Oops. When I explored the reason, it was that I don't like the work on Tuesday. It's true, I don't. So probably I shouldn't have volunteered. Although last week I was enjoying learning more about the processes on both Monday and Tuesday. Now my head feels as if it's swimming.

Not for the first time I noticed how it's relatively easy to hear and  see how to do something, but when it comes to actually doing something, it's hard for me to remember and act on all points at once - which can just be a matter of having left hand on one pipe and right hand tipping a container. I felt like a small child and though once I did remember to suggest to an IC that Adult me is responsible for the work and IC could join in as she liked, most of the time I felt as if I was in a fog and standing there like a gigantic question mark of What should I do now? I know that in that state I'm easily pushed around and blamed by people who want to do so. The guy I work with doesn't do that, but he'll be on holiday next week. I guess most of this really ought to be on my Journal.

Anyway this just reminds me that my ability to work on the normal job market (or lack thereof) is not just an issue of one type of work over another, but much more subtle and complex.

[Blueberry]

Oh yes I'm up there with avoidance and slow... But we do what we can on any given day hey given we live with a brain injury..
I'm not sure at present re trying it again.. I look after a little girl 1 day a wk and I love that and she is brilliant company.

Next stop I'm looking at a volunteer position of 'creative learning assistant' I like the idea of helping out in the arts world..

Thanks for the reminder on doing what we can, considering we're living with a brain injury.

It sounds as if you know what isn't good for you and you leave that   And you know what's good for you and you do it.  Like looking after the little girl and going to try 'creative learning assistant'

[Kizzie]

Hi All 

I've locked and split off this topic because it's gone past 5 pages.  See "Decision Part B" (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13870.0) if you want to continue posting under BB's topic.