Feeling Stupid & Unsafe

Started by RecoveryRandal, June 20, 2018, 09:09:24 PM

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RecoveryRandal

I had a nightmare last night, the kind where I woke up screaming. I was able to go back to sleep, but only after patrolling the house to make sure nothing was wrong.

Then today I found out that I made a work mistake. I was supposed to send in a draft proposal at the end of the day on Friday. But the client just sent me a message asking where it was. Puzzled, I searched and found the email and document ready to go in my drafts folder. This has *never* happened to me in my career.

In a way, I'm not surprised. I've felt in a fog off and on for a week now. But I thought I was coming back into focus. I mean, I am comparatively.

It's just that for most of my life, I was hypervigilant. And now that I've been able to let that go, I'm finding that I'm making mistakes and forgetting things.

So, surprise, I've become human.

But it's hard for me not to freak out. Making mistakes means getting punished. And forgetting things means I'm not paying attention, which means I won't see abuse coming.

I know it's old, magical thinking that I can control everything. I've worked hard to move past that as well. Yet at moments like this, it's hard to not regress and feel unsafe.

I guess I need something to take my mind off of things for a while and to do my daily yoga and meditation. Thanks, all.

Rainagain

Hi RR

I'm impressed that you are working effectively and dealing with the cptsd too.

One slip with the draft doesn't signify much really, as you say, just a slight human error.

Make sure you recognise how well you are doing, its easy to see the problems but the achievements are harder to spot sometimes.

Looks to me like you are doing great, I'm very pleased for you as I know what it takes.

Kizzie

I found making mistakes and forgetting things hard too at first Randall, it just left me feeling so vulnerable and exposed.  It got better though so hang in there and listen to the new voice telling you it's perfectly OK to be human  :yes:   

RecoveryRandal

Thanks, Rainagain and Kizzie.

The client wrote back and said, "No problem!" She's only starting to get edits to me today. Although I know it probably wasn't a big deal, I hold myself to incredibly high standards, especially when it comes to work.

And then something funny happened. I set off the smoke alarms while making dinner. It just...seemed to fit the day, and--believe it or not--it actually made me laugh.

Kizzie

Glad to hear it made you laugh  :thumbup: 

sanmagic7

sometimes that laughter is all it takes to break the spell
 
glad you're feeling better.  love and hugs.

alliematt

Quote from: RecoveryRandal on June 22, 2018, 04:00:37 PM
Thanks, Rainagain and Kizzie.

The client wrote back and said, "No problem!" She's only starting to get edits to me today. Although I know it probably wasn't a big deal, I hold myself to incredibly high standards, especially when it comes to work.

And then something funny happened. I set off the smoke alarms while making dinner. It just...seemed to fit the day, and--believe it or not--it actually made me laugh.

I haven't read the whole thread here, but I chuckled when I read about you setting off the smoke alarms while making dinner.  I have done that more than once, especially while making either grilled cheese or hamburgers!

saylor

#7
The brain fog thing has been happening to me, too. A lot... It's very problematic, especially at work.
I had never thought about it as something that would be a natural repercussion in the wake of discovering, and getting some control over, hypervigilance, but that makes sense.
My CPTSD symptoms have definitely included a strong sense of needing to be perfect, because when I was a kid, any false move (even inadvertent/accidental) could result in a beating. So I was constantly watching my step and panicking over possibly making a mistake. I lived with a more or less constant level of stress over this, even as a child. And that (surprise, surprise!) has lasted to this day, and becomes especially evident at work. Now that I have some awareness about this, and have been talking myself down from it, the hypervigilance (about possibly making mistakes) has dissipated somewhat, but now it's almost like I'm a zombie. I'm not really engaging in things, and just kind of drifting through life, like I'm not really even conscious. It's not as carefree as it sounds... I'm noticing that things are falling through the cracks, and I'll panic a little when I realize what's happening, but then I drift back into zombie/brain-fog mode. It's a new brand of scary. I'm trying not to let it get to me, since I'm so fragile, and can spiral downward really quickly, but there's only so much I feel I can control it.
I consider trying to function in the workplace to be one of the worst parts of CPTSD.
Glad you were able to find some humor (maybe even some relief) in the smoke alarm. I found that to be a nice (if somewhat macabre) bit of comic relief: amygdala, anyone?!

RecoveryRandal

Hi, saylor. Wow. I identify so much with what you said. And there are multiple levels to it.

I also lived in constant fear growing up from an abusive, mentally ill parent and bullies at school. Learning to live a "life of the mind," especially reading, became a refuge for me.

Now I get paid to think for a living (writing, fundraising, and advising on diversity). To have that impinged upon by my C-PTSD recovery is like insult to injury. Not only am I frustrated by the change in my ability to perform at work, but it frightens me because I feel like part of my identity has been taken away. I've also found myself worrying because my wellness routine (daily yoga and meditation) only seems to take the edge off the fog sometimes.

But I'm trying to take it day by day and remind myself that I have tools at my disposal (self-care, asking for help, writing on this forum) to help me make it through this period.