talk therapy and well, talking

[treehugger]

hi all,
I started therapy this last with a t who specializes in trauma a few months ago, due to anxiety/depression rooted in childhood trauma and brought out by current life events.  I've struggled with both talk therapy and emdr because I have so much trouble with talking about emotions and being verbal in general. We think the issue is really part of the trauma but its making it really difficult to process anything and move forward. I'm looking for things that others have found to move forward in healing and processing when they couldn't find the words to talk about it. I think some of it is triggering, some of it is just learned silence, and some if definitely the inner critic shutting me down. I just don't know how to work on those things since I literally freeze when trying to have a conversation about any of it.

I have used journalling to get stuff out, and t has even read parts, but it hasn't helped transition to talking about anything very much. Sometimes after journalling or spending a week thinking about the topic I have can sort of circle back on a thought, but its almost like I have to feel prepared (which is what I do in the rest of life - if I don't feel prepared I get really self conscious to the point where it is ridiculous). I rarely feel prepared when it comes to these topics though, even when I journal and try to come to terms with something outside of therapy.

Any body else have this issue or have suggestions about how to process or work through this? T is very patient, btw, this is pressure I am putting on myself. The more I delve into this, the worse I feel, not better, and I'm not sleeping well or functioning well. I don't really want to go back to ignoring it because I don't want to add to the legacy of this with my kids, and the body armoring has given me a lot of physical pain.

[Sceal]

I have the same issue.
I can't talk about the spesifics of my trauma. I can't talk about my flashbacks. I can't seem to find the words or I dissociate or I panic.
I've read in the book the body keeps the score that it's common that the language center of the brain shuts itself off in trauma victims.
Unfortunately I haven't found a way that helps. Just wanted to share that you aren't alone

[treehugger]

Thanks Sceal, it is good to know I'm not alone! I hope you find a way to heal as well. My kids therapist (fost/adopt kiddos) recommended that book and my first response when reading it was relief at knowing that not being able to talk about trauma isn't abnormal and that there wasn't just something wrong with me. I always assumed that it was all me until I read that book.

[sanmagic7]

one thing that i've read which has helped some people is writing it down if it comes to you between sessions, then taking it in for your t to read and process.  sometimes the t needs to be more directive, asking more questions that you can give simple answers to. 

another thing that has actually helped me has been drawing or just putting thoughts/emotions down on paper, but using line. pictures, colors to express what's going on.  a psychologist asked me to draw myself, and, allowing myself to just draw how i felt without editing or trying to make the drawing make sense, and i filled a page with fragmented bits of pictures, all representing different aspects of my traumas.  it was interesting to me how it came out, and he was able to get a much clearer picture of what i was dealing with, what he was looking at as far as what he needed to know.

then, he could pick out certain of the bits, and we could examine the small parts a little more in detail.  i found that breaking things down like that was easier for me to address, rather than larger concepts.  this was no artistic rendering, either, but some representations were lines, squiggles, words, stick figures, different colors all meant something to me, too.

anyway, those are a few ideas of what's worked for others and for me when things were beyond words.  i hope any of that helps.   it's definitely tough to make progress when you're tongue-tied for whatever reason.  best to you with this.  with your determination, i have no doubt you'll find a way.   sending love and hugs.

[treehugger]

Good ideas, and I appreciate the vote of confidence, as I'm lacking in that for myself.

When you break things down, how do you approach those feelings/pieces? I feel like every time I can do do something simple, or answer questions without being triggered, the follow up of where that comes from then stops me. Will focusing on that surface answer in the long run be helpful? I'm new to this process in general and never sure I'm not just wasting everybody's time and energy. I have also been avoidant of some directions these conversations can take for so long that I just avoid by default now.

[Kizzie]

What about seeing what your T thinks about talking to/working with that protective part of you to help bring it to the surface and hear what it has to say versus trying to dig down into the traumatic memories and feelings directly? 

Perhaps it (you) needs to talk about feeling unsafe and what it fears will happen if it doesn't lock you down, cause you to freeze?  If you can prepare more by knowing what you and your T will be talking about ahead of time and it's to talk about freezing rather than dig down, it could help   

[sanmagic7]

nice, kizzie.

along with what kizzie wrote, it comes to my mind that speaking a piece, see how it feels, and how intense it seems may be all that you can deal with at that moment.  there's nothing wrong with stopping at a place before you get re-triggered.  the follow-up may need to come in the next session, after you've already processed the piece you could actually finally talk about.

that would be something to talk to your t about, how to do that, if there's a signal (like raising a finger) that you can give to show that you need to stop.  then, your t could direct you toward stabilization techniques for a bit, get you settled down again before you proceed.  that might also be the place where the two of you would insert what kizzie's talking about - a dialogue with that inner self that is afraid or is trying to protect you in the here and now.

small steps are often necessary, even very small steps, in order to move forward with trauma processing.  our traumatized minds need lots of breaks, encouragement, support, and direction - all things that we've often not had a lot of practice with, especially with another person in a caring position - in small, continuous doses.  hopefully your t will understand and go along with that.

i hope you keep posting if you care to share how your next session goes.  i think that by asking the questions, you're already making progress with this, and i'm glad for you.  keep taking care of you first, always.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[treehugger]

Lots to think about. Thank  you all.

I know I struggle with presenting ideas to my t, probably stemming from fear of making her upset (I have a strong tendency to never want to upset anybody and can always perceive ways that I am). Even though she's emphasized that this is my therapy and my voice. Ugg.

I will try to update on how things are going.

[Kat]

So many of my early therapy sessions were bathed in silence.  My therapist would repeatedly say, "Think out loud."  I just couldn't do it.  The words were in my head, but they would not come out.  As they did start to come, they were mightily edited. 

I used to have dreams where there were shards of glass or pieces of sharp metal in my mouth.  They were painful, and I would have to try to extricate them.  I could never get every piece out.  Other times, there was something like putty or Play-Doh in my mouth that I couldn't ever get out completely.  That's how dangerous speaking the truth was.

I don't know what advice to give you.  All I can do is tell you about my evolution.  I cried and cried for most of my earliest therapy sessions. I spoke as much as I could, but it was often edited to the extreme.  After a while, I started to ask for paper.  I would write down what I couldn't say out loud.  That was extremely helpful.  Now that I'm thinking about it, much of the "work" we did was actually outside of session after the fact.  I would go home and email all of my thoughts on the session.  That was the only way to truly get at it.

My therapist told me that most of my early emails started with something rather inconsequential and then moved into the meat of the work and then ended up tidily and pleasantly.  She knew to look for the middle bits.

Like I said, I don't know what advice to give.  We're all different, but know that many of us experience that same inability to speak when we're in session.  Do what feels good, natural, and helpful to you.

Much love and support to you.

[Sceal]

Might be Trigger Warning (No details, just loose concepts)

My last session my T asked me to talk about my flashbacks. She'd never asked me, and thought maybe now was the time. I agreed. It sounded like  a smart thing to spend the time on doing. I told her how they appear to, sometimes like clips of movies that takes over my visual space and i can feel it happening. That it goes on repeat and repeat and repeat. I can never see all of it. Because I don't remember.
There was no detail in what my flashbacks entailed. Because those words wouldn't come out. I was present(not 100%, but enough), I wasn't dissociating or falling into flashbacks. I wasn't in any emotional state, infact I felt nothing. Yet I couldn't speak.
So she asked me why I couldn't talk. If I was sad, upset or afraid? And when she asked me if I was afraid that made sense. And I observed that for a while. And I started saying what I was afraid would happen if I talked about what the flashbacks contained. There was loads of things, but the biggest fear I think is grounded in shame. Shame and fear of what will she think of me? Is my experience big and bad enough to be "worthy" of being bad? After all, other people has had it worse than me. I didn't grow up in a war-zone or in a country where women has no rights, or in deep poverty - etc.  My T said she understood that and got a little lost in her own emotions. Which to me made me see her more as a person and not just as a judging therapist. Although, I'm still not able to actually put words to things, I think recognizing what I'm actually afraid of will help me get closer to being able to cross that threshold.

[woodsgnome]

There have been many times that discussing a specific trauma event with a therapist has been dicey, full of the hesitation and withdrawn, silent symptoms mentioned in this thread. I can be an eloquent speaker in general terms until I hit a trauma zone. My t has reminded me that it's not recalling each trauma event in detail that matters; but more deciphering the effects and where to go with them now.

Something I've also done occasionally is to draw a mental map, where I illustrate important sectors of my life, mostly with symbols. Mine almost always involves drawing a huge lake with several surrounding lakes, but no channels connecting them, resembling my own lonely life. The main lake is scenic and interesting, but without connecting streams and rivers (friends, outlooks, activities, etc.) it's all in danger of drying out completely.

Around the main lake, the smaller ones represent themes and interests that have either affected my life in the past or seem intriguing enough to try moving towards. Last time, I ended up with 4 smaller lakes. Interestingly, the worst trauma (childhood) parts were shoved into a corner where it resembled a swampy bog, with a couple of vague monster symbols drawn under black clouds floating over the scene. Unlike past maps, the details are left alone, though still hovering in those clouds. To me, this says that while the distressing parts can't be denied and I need to be aware of their threatening presence, they no longer hold the key. Finding the connections are.

Using this imagery I'm working towards the goal of incorporating them into my central lake, finally with outlets to the areas that I feel attuned to but can't seem to reach. But if I do the lake will have a fresh and renewed aspect. That's what my focus needs to be, past the trauma (which is still the starting point but becoming more distant).

I hesitate to contribute this, but for me it represented a different way to go about this beyond the strictly talk-only therapy, and avoid getting snagged talking about details (they're always there, just not up-front); instead moving towards how to create those outlets in order to add some freshness. This approach might sound odd or even silly, but my experience is that to find ways to deal with intense traumas (the drying out lake) is to get out of the box of pain I feel trapped by.  The map is an effort to see beyond that fear zone  into a land of possibilities.

[treehugger]

So many of my early therapy sessions were bathed in silence.  My therapist would repeatedly say, "Think out loud."  I just couldn't do it.  The words were in my head, but they would not come out.  As they did start to come, they were mightily edited. 

This is so much me. I can't cry though, at least not about this. We've tried to talk about why I can't cry, I think I was trying so hard to not give them power over me. That worked well, clearly. Thank you for sharing about your struggle with this and your journey.

Sceal, shame and fear, yes. I can tell myself all day and night that there is nothing to be afraid of now but my brain (and body) clearly disagrees. Best of luck with this process.

Thank you woodsgnome! Your (and Kizzie's and sanmagic's and others) ideas are all amazing and I really appreciate your openness and willingness to share them. Getting out of the box of pain. You nailed it.