kdke's Recovery Journal

[kdke]

A little bit of history: I started talking to a therapist through TalkSpace about a year after my mother died. This T helped me to understand some of the depth of the trauma I've experienced. About two years later, I almost attempted to end my life but instead overdosed on sleeping pills (intentionally). There are a lot of nuances that led to this, as it is with most depressive states. This prompted the reality that I needed therapy more than ever and began to see a therapist face-to-face at a clinic. I'll name her Jordan. As I started to see Jordan, I also got back into college. There I met Aiden, the college counselor; I began to see Jordan and Aiden as I wanted to be as active as possible in my recovery. It really helped.

Jordan eventually left the clinic and set me up with a new therapist named Jesse. Jesse wasn't like Jordan in that Jesse was much more focused on having an active dialogue with me. Jordan was more of a quiet-listener-type therapist, which is great but I need a more proactive therapist because of my personality. Aiden already plays the role of my "I'm going to be silent and contribute a little here and there" therapist, and she and I connected better than I did with Jordan.

Anyway, Jesse was the therapist that diagnosed me with PTSD, but she explained it as being complex since I've had multiple, prolonged traumas in my life. PTSD was something that continued to get dropped into my conversations with other therapists, including Aiden and the Talkspace therapist, as the disorder was very similar to my symptoms. (Jordan diagnosed me with MDD, and the psychiatrist at the clinic diagnosed me with GAD with depressive episodes.) I had already been aware of cPTSD through curiosity and a little bit of research, but through my new PTSD diagnosis and talking with Jesse, she and I agreed that cPTSD fit all the criteria I was struggling through.

Jesse started me on EMDR to find the roots of my traumas, and I continue to see Aiden for more general counseling and college stressors. Therapy has been a huge help for me and has encouraged me to take a more active role in my recovery. Before, I'd read about mental illness and didn't know how to relate, or felt too inadequate to really make any progress. Now I understand that getting better is a skill that has to be built upon; I have to keep trying, have to keep learning.

[kdke]

Some quick journaling as my school day comes to an end~

In my mid-20s, I stepped away from my religious belief system because I was becoming severely depressed and was finding no real help in my community. I decided to give myself a break, introspect, and reevaluate what would truly help me be happier and more content with my life. I eventually identified as an atheist and became a bit zealous about it; I offended some friends and had two burn bridges with me. (I look back at their friendship in spite of my behavior, though, and realize it was for the best either way. They weren't very good friends, to begin with.)

I've remained an atheist since, though I consider this aspect of my identity to be more agnostic than strong. I don't believe in a spiritual realm, nor do I really believe there is a god/gods/goddesses. I've had plenty of people concerned with what that could mean for my fate after death; I don't really try to counter this but simply realize that all I can do is live honestly and with integrity. I'd rather be judged knowing I tried my best than to worship out of fear and obligation.

It's been a few years and I've come to peace with my fellow humans who are religious. I used to be very adverse and combative with them, but now I've adopted a respect and compassion for why religion is so essential for many people's happiness. I get it and it's not within my nature to take that away from anyone. As long as no one is getting hurt, whatever makes someone else happy.

Saying all of that, I've also been more relaxed about considering the importance of certain spiritual practices in my own life. I began looking into this when I discovered Jung and fell in love with archetypal psychology. While I don't believe in the supernatural, I can't deny the immense importance mythology and archetypes have played in telling stories and lesson about the human experience. It's been fascinating understanding these nuances and how they help the psyche. It has opened me up to reading more about archetypes and exploring their role in other spiritual practices.

One of these practices is tarot, which I have implemented in my recovery process. I love tarot; I don't use it for supernatural/psychic purposes but rather as a tool to introspect and problem solve. For example, if I'm anxious or angry about someone or something, I'll draw a few tarot cards, interpret their meanings, and see how that relates to my situation as a way to challenge a healthier change in perspective. I find it a great tool for encouragement and just making sense of my life experiences.

My different readings are things I'd really love to post on here in regards to the variety of challenges I go through every day, but we'll see. But most definitely I will want to write more about my exploration of archetypal psychology in relation to my cPTSD.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for posting, kdke.  i hope that your journal here is something useful for you and helps with your recovery.  mine has been life-changing for me.

i think spiritual (or lack thereof) beliefs are entirely personal, and as it seems with you, fluid.  i've gone from mainstream religion to exploring religions/spirituality of other cultures until i've found what suits me.  a conglomeration of sorts, but, like you, i basically want to live a caring life full of as much love as possible.  let those who would judge be my guest.

i've also done tarot, altho not on a regular basis like you.  i find it intriguing, and it, too, has helped me in the past make sense of something that i wasn't understanding.   

sending a hug filled with continuance on your journey.  so glad you're here.

[kdke]

***All names are aliases***

Lots of things happened this weekend and I don't say that with any real negative connotations. It was just very busy, with moving some last-minute stuff from my old apartment; and since I've been spending almost every weekend with my boyfriend, Mark, my time at his place is always busy since he shares his weekends with his children whom he shares custody with. I really adore his children, though, and have no issues with having them around. This was a situation I had to consider when Matt and I first met each other; I knew if I wanted to commit to him, I had to commit to his family, too. I have and those kids are pretty fantastic, even during rough days.

Anyway, I had a bit of a moment this weekend when I allowed my anxiety to get the better of me. I get sleep apnea when my allergies act up (my allergies make it harder to breathe at times), so sleeping with Mark has been difficult for him since I'll snore. At one point he requested I adjust my sleeping position, and then later yelled in his sleep at me when I started up again. I wasn't offended by this or by him in general, but it triggered the anxiety I tend to get when I start sharing a bed with a partner. I become hyper-aware of my sleeping and anxious I was disrupting his slumber.

It became so bad that I eventually moved into the living room. It then triggered depressive feelings of feeling like I was just a disruption; it also triggered some EFs of remembering my how my father would kick my mom out for her sleep apnea, and how cruel and judgmental he was towards her for that. Part of me was worried that her experience would become mine, and then just remembering how abandoned and bullied she felt. My poor mom...

I was able to sleep without guilt once I was in the living room, though, but started to wake when Mark's two older children came out to play on their tablets and watch TV. Mark eventually came out and was confused as to why I was already awake since I tend to spend time in bed with him in the mornings. I told him what happened and he just came over, gave me a big hug, and started to cry as he apologized to me. I reassured him that I wasn't upset with him but just felt very self-conscious and didn't want to take away from anyone's sleep. I guess it still really ate him up, though. We both knew he was asleep when he yelled, but the fact that he did at all just really killed him.

Mark gave me permission to tell him to shut up and sleep out in the living room himself if it happened again lol. I really love him.

We made up just fine, and I was able to spend time with his older kids before he even woke up. His daughter, Alyssa, wanted to make more cookies from a batch of cookie dough we started the night before, so we did that before breakfast. She and her brother, Terrance, were rewarded a cookie and some milk after they picked up their toys. Cookies in the morning always taste better.

[sanmagic7]

very glad everything got resolved well and in a caring manner.  sleeping with someone can be a tricky road at times.  i'd have nightmares where i'd lash out pounding or kicking, waking my hub.  that stuff can be a trial.  just glad it all worked out.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[kdke]

very glad everything got resolved well and in a caring manner.  sleeping with someone can be a tricky road at times.  i'd have nightmares where i'd lash out pounding or kicking, waking my hub.  that stuff can be a trial.  just glad it all worked out.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.

Thanks for checking in on my journal. I'm loving the company 

[kdke]

I wanted to get my thoughts out about the signature I chose for myself since ti really stood out to me.

"Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not."

I admire the sagely yet simple quote from Dr. Jung because I feel this describes our journey through mental illness and trauma. At the beginning, it may not seem so obvious why we behave the way we do, especially to those looking into our lives. We can sometimes judge our own actions and the actions of others as just a pure reflection of our character rather than a series of residual effects of our histories.

And I think the best way to come to this realization--this crucial difference--is stepping back and knowing that you don't know. I think back to the times when I've been called names, or my behavior has been rationalized as malicious; I didn't know any better myself so I would think I was just a terrible person. But as I deepened my understanding of how complex the mind is, I realized I had to put aside a lot of quick assumptions and start from the very beginning again.

There are reasons for these things. If I'm not actually a terrible person, and I truly don't intend to be malicious, then where does that leave me? It leaves my past, and why certain events bring up certain emotions and thoughts. I can go from there and create a tree of knowledge about my whole life thus far.

By telling myself that I know nothing and instead ask myself questions like, "Why, when, where, and how?" I can start to finally understand what the thing is rather than just dismiss and tear it down because it rubs me the wrong way. I can tell myself, "This thing triggered my irritability/anxiety/depression because it brings up a lot of complicated events that happened to me when I was a child."

From there, I make a bridge and can actually progress.

[kdke]

Quick entry as I have to get something off my chest.

Something happened in class this morning that was very distressing for most of my classmates; my instructor had been trying very hard to communicate with the publisher of this website that we do one of our courses in, and the publisher has been failing to fix issues that us students have been dealing with. However, what became little complaints here and there suddenly came at my instructor in waves, and came to a head when she was approached with one particular student who projected a huge chunk of their stress onto my instructor.

This student, whom I'll name Grace, has had challenges with stress since she entered the program with our cohort (a group of students that started the program at the same time). Grace has been battling anxiety and depressive episodes since the beginning and I guess still has a long way to go about how to handle her emotions.

This really conflicts me because while I believe the choice she made to throw her stress onto our instructor (who is helpless at this point at the hands of the publisher) was totally inappropriate and hurtful, I don't want to stigmatize her since I personally know she is struggling with her own mental illness. I know many of my other classmates really dislike her and want her gone. My feelings? I think she has a long way to go and I'm wondering if this is just not the degree she should be going for. We all have limits and I know this has hit many of hers very hard and often.

There's a part of me that is worried my classmates might try to get Grace into trouble. I don't think she's a troublemaker, just someone who's trying to figure things out and doesn't understand certain boundaries yet. And yet I'm also very upset she approached our instructor the way she did; all of us could hear the hurt in our instructor's voice when she told us, "I'm doing the best I can, everyone. I just can't take it anymore." I wanted to cry, my heart broke so much. I've never seen her defeated like that.

[kdke]

I've started to understand a bit better as to why the situation I talked about in my last entry bothers me so much. While I don't want Grace to get into trouble for her mistake (and by trouble, I mean removed from the program or shamed by my classmates), I realize that some of my distressed feelings are focused on something else:

What if I was in Grace's position? What if I was the one who had made the mistake she did and now was under the scrutinizing gaze of my classmates? I imagine it would feel isolating, frightening, and perhaps even angering. I know Grace enough that she is one who feels persecuted a lot of the time; and while I believe a lot of those feelings are wrongly perceived, they are real for her and make sense to her. She feels cornered and out of control, feels like she's getting the short end of the stick.

Because there is something that I think people too quickly throw away when faced with someone with Grace's mannerisms, is that they look at that person's worries and immediately dismiss them because those worries are not exactly based in reality. Granted, they may not be--but how are you going to help that person see their situation from a different perspective if you treat their feelings as though they're worthless? It continues the cycle of their negative behaviors, and even enforce them with a vengeance.

This was something I had to understand a long time ago, and even last year when my depression and anxiety were at their worst; putting down people (especially myself) doesn't help in the slightest. And depending on that person's character, they can retaliate because they feel attacked. Worse, some will take a person's put downs to heart and participate in risky behavior because why not--they're a bad person either way, right? That's what they keep being told.

So while a person is responsible for their own recovery and choices during that process, our choices in how we treat them make a huge difference in that process, too. I look to my classmates and see the dislike seething in their gazes and I have an idea as to why; but to act on those desires to alienate and punish Grace won't do her any favors because she is in a place where those consequences would ruin her. I just have a bad feeling about it.

And I look to this situation and see myself dealing with the bullying behavior of those I went to school with; Grace is an outsider in this situation who doesn't relate to many in our cohort, and now she's on the * list of many of my classmates who have their own clique and whom I consider kind of to popular kids. This can't bode well, but I really hope I'm wrong. I hope it's just my own past coming back to haunt me a little and projecting onto this situation. Maybe my classmates will leave Grace alone and this will blow over with time. I hope so.

[Sceal]

It sounds like a challenging thing to be a witness to. I hope like you, that they will leave Grace alone and that it will blow over in time. Perhaps that depends a little on Grace's behaviour from this point and onwards too. If she feels threatened by alienation and her reaction-system is to lash out, it might be that she will continue to do that and that your classmates will have a reason to remember that they dislike her.

It is clear that this is affecting you too, could you talk to someone at your study about this? Your instructor or some student councillor or something similar? Perhaps they can take actions before it gets too much out of hand? And that way it might turn out better for Grace, your classmates and ultimatedly yourself too? Just thoughts, and please just ignore them if they are unfitting.

[sanmagic7]

kdke, you truly have some major insight going on here.  to step into another person's shoes is a great gift to behold.  it's true that the reality of the cohort may not be grace's reality - who really knows the perceptions of another's mind?  and, what we perceive is, in fact, our reality.  so, it sounds like grace is reacting to something she believes is real and true.

unfortunately, as you say, we only see the behaviors, and can't guess what her mind is telling her.  it sounds like an awkward and unfortunate situation for everyone involved.  personally, i like sceal's thoughts of perhaps talking to someone about this, especially from a position of concern.  i'd hate to see it escalate, either.

i also love your self- exploration process.  i personally believe that the more we know and understand ourselves, asking the hard questions at times, (when we are able), the more readily we are able to interpret our behaviors, note their appropriateness in any given situation, and make the necessary adjustments so that we can feel more at peace with our own selves.

you show yourself to be a very compassionate, caring person.  so very glad you're here.   love and a hug filled with curiosity and exploration.

[kdke]

It sounds like a challenging thing to be a witness to. I hope like you, that they will leave Grace alone and that it will blow over in time. Perhaps that depends a little on Grace's behaviour from this point and onwards too. If she feels threatened by alienation and her reaction-system is to lash out, it might be that she will continue to do that and that your classmates will have a reason to remember that they dislike her.

It is clear that this is affecting you too, could you talk to someone at your study about this? Your instructor or some student councillor or something similar? Perhaps they can take actions before it gets too much out of hand? And that way it might turn out better for Grace, your classmates and ultimatedly yourself too? Just thoughts, and please just ignore them if they are unfitting.

Your perspective and suggestions are exactly what I was thinking of implementing. I'm fortunate to have a long-standing rapport with the counselor at my college, so I hope I'll be able to speak to her about this situation soon. She's on vacation right now but I know she would be receptive to my concerns. As strange as this might sound, I almost wish this has happened yesterday since I got to see the counselor one last time before she left for her vacation!

But yes, it is complicated because if Grace doesn't learn to compartmentalize her anxiety better, it will cause issues for her interpersonal relationships in the classroom, and my classmates will have more reason to seek out their own resolutions if that's what they desire. I certainly don't blame them for feeling that way in the first place, I just know small bits of what are obvious negative judgments about Grace and wishes that she was gone.

[kdke]

So... this week is just turning out to be one drama after another. I feel like I'm living in the same universe as Skins or something.

Grace is on academic suspension. This is affecting me a lot and I'm having to really introspect on what that means, as my brain won't let it go until I come to some kind of answer. I'm not looking for excuses for her, but just to understand why, you know?

It makes sense in that maybe she needed a bit of a wake-up call; her behavior wasn't ok and boundaries needed to be enforced. At the same time, there are kind of two groups of opinions forming about Grace and I'm not wanting to take either side. One side says she just needs to go and they want her gone; the other side believes Grace is completely innocent.

I can't take either side because there's obviously nuances to this situation. Maybe I feel that way because I've had the chance to spend a lot of time connecting to Grace as a friend. I do get frustrated with from time to time, but it's not as important to me as wanting to get along with her and enjoy the friendly company she can give. She has a lot of hurdles to overcome as far as her frustration and controlling her stress levels, for sure. I'm not sure if she will ever reach a place where those things will be resolved. I don't know.

It can be easy, I think, to not pay attention to all aspects of a person when you have no real connection to them. We can only work with what information we're given. Most of my cohort hasn't connected with Grace like I have, and so I know that their judgment on her is different than mine.

I like to think of people as puzzles; we're made up of all these little puzzle pieces, each representing a part of who we are and where we come from--but you can never truly know what the picture is unless you fit all the pieces together. You can have a puzzle that is half done, and so you might make conjectures about what you see. However, you would be missing the fact that this group of missing pieces shows a lovely part of someone, and this other missing group can show a darker, more complicated part. And isn't that the narrative all of us have?

I don't know all of Grace's puzzle pieces, but what I have found is that she is made up of all different kinds and shapes and colors. Just like me, and my classmates. Making conjectures can sometimes be our only option when trying to figure someone out, but it's always important to consider the complexity of someone. Grace isn't a caricature of a stressful student; she's someone who's walking her own path, made mistakes and victories, and is now facing the consequences of a poor choice.

I suppose I can be grateful that she hasn't been kicked out. I know my cohort doesn't agree with me but that's ok. I hope that Grace will respect the boundary our college has set in regards to how she is allowed and not allowed to communicate with her instructors. I also hope she can come back knowing that there are those who haven't given up on her.

****

This whole situation has made me think about some emotions and thoughts I've been processing for a long time; about myself and others who have come and gone from my life. It's helping me to see how hardship can be easily projected and taken on by others, and how to that understandably can sour an opinion. I'm also realizing how crucial it is to be very aware of that so I can always remember all the parts of who someone truly is, and that we shouldn't permit our resentment and frustrations get in the way of reality.

There have been people in my life that I've come to resent because of the poor choices they made towards me, and I feel like that is something I want to work on. Resentment, I believe, isn't really bad or good; it's just a response to being hurt. With any badly-perceived emotion (anger, resentment, hate, jealousy, and so on), I believe what you do with it is more important than experiencing it at all.

These same people I've been resenting also resent me for poor choices I've made. I don't blame them for feeling this way, and I can only hope that with what lessons I've learned and the better choices I can make now, they will come to a place where they are at peace. Conversations have been had in the past and there's really no where else to go except our own paths and making better decisions for ourselves.

****

I wanted to add a bit more general journaling to keep track of some other progress in my life.

One of the things that manifested from my mental struggles is an eating disorder. I'm an emotional overeater and will use food to regulate my anxiety and distract me from stessful situations. I guess in some ways, food is a form of dissociation for me. I can get lost in a food I like and if I eat a lot of it, well... that's time I don't have to spend on other dilemmas. Plus, the food I'm eating is delicious and makes me happy.

It's compulsive, it's emotional regulation, and it has ruined a huge chunk of my life. I remember it really starting when I was in junior high, as the best part of my day was getting home before my parents and stuffing my face with a high-fat and carb meal. It was like a reward system, but also to escape the stress I was under all the time. It was MY tme--the only time I felt belonged to me. So I indulged for the sake of feeling some comfort and control.

I still deal with this issue today, but I am lucky that I am still physically high functioning and can take care of myself. I am obese, but I have a high endurance for walking long distances (and I mean 3+ miles sometimes!) and I enjoy doing so.

Now that I'm living alone again, my diet has shifted and it's been making me think a lot about my eating disorder. I'm understanding that it actually flares up depending on what I'm dealing with, which would make a lot of sense for any kind of disorder. When I was living with my roommates, my eating disorder was on high pretty much every single day. I had gained back a lot of weight plus more when I lived with them, weight that I had lost making a lot of effort to be healthier. I just... got so lost in it. I felt like I couldn't stop and always had a strong need to eat crappy foods and as much as possible.

Escapism, for sure. But now that I'm in my own place, my disorder has calmed down. I still have compulsions to overeat, but they're not as strong and not as important to me. I can tell my brain and gut don't like and I've been experiencing some withdrawals (anxiety, feeling hungry all the time, obsessive thoughts).

Yet there is something that I've come to understand about myself that I haven't really been to explain, and I've told this others: when I'm by myself, I usually make some pretty good diet choices.

And is this true. I've started to settle into a routine that looks something like this:

-Celery juice, cucumber, and banana smoothie (makes two servings; I have one half in the morning and the other in the afternoon)

-Coffee w/creamer and caramel sauce (my only cup for the day and I make it myself)

-Hash browns (for supper and made from one large russet potato)

Other drinks include an iced black tea I make myself with a bit of peppermint tea and sugar for taste, and then water. Snacks could include rice chips or a cold cucumber salad (the latter I shred into a kind of pasta ((Vegetti for the win)) and mix with vinegar and a bit of suger); if I don't want hash browns, I use my Vegetti to make a zucchini pasta that I stir-fry with olive oil and seasonings.

And that's my main diet right now, and I'm really happy with it. It makes me feel better about myself and it just increases my energy and emotional stability. I do cheat a little with the coffee and hash browns, of course, (I love my creamer, caramel sauce, and ketchup), but I do my very best to not overeat. I make strict rules, buying only one large potato for each day of the week, and making it a habit to make my smoothies so I have breakfast (I hate cooking in the morning) lest I feel hungry and uncomfortable until lunch.

I will also cheat sometimes when I get my paycheck: I will reward myself with ONE special meal. This could be Vietnamese food, or a Subway sandwich. I'm trying to stay away from fast food right now, though. All of this has been very hard, and my eating disorder is a huge mountain for me to climb over. But if there is anything I've learned about mental illness is that you have to keep trying.

Something I've started to tell myself is that there is a point when the disorder turns into a habit. The disorder is still there, but habits start to form around it. My eating disorder still affects how I treat food and my body, but I can gain control over the disorder by tackling the habits that have appeased it this far into my life. Once those change and turn into more positive habits, the eating disorder is easier to contain. It will no longer take over my life and destroy me, even though it might never go away.

[Seashell]

I'm sorry to hear Grace is on academic suspension. I can see you've been reflecting a lot on the entire situation.

I really enjoyed your description of thinking about people as puzzles. It allows for a much more nuanced understanding of humans and human behavior.

Thanks for sharing about your experience with an eating disorder. I never thought about disorders and habits in quite the way you outlined here but it makes a lot of sense and it's giving me some things to consider.

[kdke]

Back from a long weekend. A quick list of things that happened and I will expand further:

• Got the old apartment cleaned for inspection; isn't perfect in the slightest but we made the effort we could.
• Mark was having horrible stomach and intestinal pain; went to the ER and was diagnosed with an inflamed ileus. He has to have further testing for possible Crohn's.
• Played board games and The Last Guardian with Mark's older kids, Alyssa and Terrance. Terrance did get a little frustrated with me after I caught him cheating some at Sorry, but he got over it. Also, Alyssa cried a bit when Terrance and I tried to explain that Battleship was a 2-player game. Giving her a small hug and having her take a deep breath really helped her calm down.

Anyway, the final clean for the apartment was a bit stressful. I had some items I had to clean out last minute and then Mark and I waited for the cleaning lady to come by. She was an hour and a half late, so Mark and I were getting pretty stir crazy.

I was communicating all of this to one of my roommates, Emily, letting her know that this lady wasn't showing up and that she's kind of wasting everyone's time and Emily's money. I will admit--I worded it that way on purpose. It wasn't a lie, but I knew by appealing to Emily's time and labor, she'd be more likely to make a stronger stand in making sure this cleaning service pulled through. There was nothing I could really do on my end, after all.

It worked very well, as Emily became angry and was like, "This is unprofessional and ridiculous!" It was; I just know Emily enough that if I didn't make it personal enough, she would've just given up.

I told Mark, "With some people, you have to appeal to their ego to get them to do something." He said he never thought of it that way before, and I thought about it myself some. Appealing to another's ego is just a part of interpersonal relationships, isn't it? And as with these things that make up who we are, there is a spectrum of colors and limits to what is ok and not ok. It wouldn't have been ok for me to bully Emily or lie to her about what was happening, and I really just didn't want to in the first place. But by emphasizing certain factors involved in this service taking advantage of all of our time and her money, her ego wouldn't tolerate it. If it had just been about me me me, I'm sure Emily would've been less inclined. It had to be about her, and in some ways because she paid for the service, she had bigger stakes in this situaiton.

I know it's different and kind of strange to analyze an interaction like that, but I enjoy trying to understand the intricacies of why people socialize the way they do. What's the catch, you know? What's happening behind the scenes of something that seems so simple and easy?

****

I also want to talk about my last therapy session that happened on Friday. Jesse and I were talking about Grace and how much the whole situation bothered me. Jesse asked, "How does Grace remind you or yourself?" I talked about her anxiety and depression, about how I related to her feeling isolated from our cohort. It brought up past feelings of being bullied in school for me, so it was painful.

Then Jesse asked, "How are you different from Grace?"

I looked off to the wall and thought... and thought... and kept drawing a blank. My stomach dropped as I realized I just couldn't think of anything.

Jesse explained to me that this struggle to separate my own life from Grace's meant I had no real sense of self. Lucky for both of us, I was already very familiar with this description and knew it was something I struggled with a lot since my mother's death; however, I didn't ever know to what extent it went to.

I told her finding differences between me and Grace is something I would think more on, and Jesse was happy I would. It's really important I do. Losing the sense of self is something that is not uncommon amongst abuse survivors, especially with narc parents. I mean, a narc parent wants you to reflect them to some extent, so why would it matter that you're your own person? This is the mindset that was forced on me for years, and then my mother died and everything that I identified with was striped from me. I didn't know who I was, what I stood for, and why I was still alive. What was the point when I felt like my existence had no purpose without my mother's presence?

I know that I've overcome that hurdle, but my sense of self is still lacking greatly. I still have serious issues with making claims about who I am as a person, and having people tell me is just as uncomfortable for me. I can only really embrace the motives I have, my feelings and thoughts; but saying, "This is the kind of person I am: this, this, and this," is a terrible mountain I'm learning to climb.

That's what no sense of self does. It takes away the voice that can say those things with confidence. And if I am able to say something about who I am, I am in constant doubt. I wonder if I'm just fooling myself, or just being a liar.

Having no sense of self makes me feel like a drop of oil in a glass of water, unable to integrate with the rest of who I am.