kdke's Recovery Journal

[kdke]

Things that are different between me and Grace:

• Different ages, different generations.
• Grew up in different places.
• I know more about technology than she does.
• We have different learning styles.
• Grace has owned a business for 4 decades; I have never owned a business.
• Grace is a mother; I am not and have chosen to never become pregnant. I would, however, love to adopt one day when I am in a better place in my life to do so.
• Grace has been married and divorced; I've never been married but have had a few serious relationships, and am in one now.
• Grace is just learning to control her anxiety and depression; I've been working very closely with mine for about three years.
• Grace has only been to college since we met in our current program; I've been in and out of college since I was 18.
• Grace is a progressive Christian; I am an agnostic atheist.

I might expand on the list as I learn more about Grace, and about myself.

[kdke]

I'm celebrating 4th of July alone today. Not for any dramatic reason; I live in a different city than my boyfriend and family, since I don't have a car and they are swamped with the holidays... well, going over to hang out with anyone didn't work out.

I thought I was going to be fine, but I'm kind of not. Sometimes I get lost in my isolationist mindset that I don't need anybody to have fun, and there are times I don't. But now that I'm more social, I have this great relationship and my familial circle is growing, I just feel so alone today. Knowing that my best friend's family, and Mark and his kids are going to be having their little gatherings and I can't join in... it just hurts a bit.

And it's no fault of their own. I'm not blaming anyone because we all tried to make it work today and me traveling down was proving to be a bit complicated, especially when I have exams on Thursday. Still... 

But I'm going to do my best to not get depressed about it. I already feel a bit that way, but I promised myself that I would get a nice dinner (Uber Eats woo), watch something good, and listen to the fireworks with my kitties. I want to make the most of what I have today.

[kdke]

Yesterday ended on a good note. After I did some facetime with Mark (we try to say goodnight on Facebook every night; his idea and I'm glad he encouraged it), I didn't feel as badly about being alone. As well, I tried my best to self-soothe and distract myself.

First, I decided to watch some videos to make me laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine sometimes. It helped me feel better and I eventually gravitated towards watching a series of longer videos about a convention scam that happened here in the states. Interesting stuff.

I've also been playing this new game on my phone called Crusaders Quest. It's 8-bit and has an interesting story to it. I always try to find a game I can focus on for a while, something to complete since it's always hard for me to finish things that I've started.

Now I've completed most of my assignments for the week and have an appointment tomorrow with someone to help me get grants for my schooling next quarter. Hopefully, that goes well...

Besides all of that, I took a small break and did some medical news reading. I started reading an article about a book I've been slowly making my way through called Lost Connections. It's a book written by a journalist in which he narrates his journey to find answers regarding his chronic depression and treating it with antidepressants. The book itself has brought up a lot of controversy in regards to the true efficacy of antidepressants (the author claims they are not effective at all; I'll say my thoughts about that), along with questioning the honesty of drug companies conducting trials.

The article about this book was very good, as it helped to create a less biased playing ground for both sides of this coin. And I do think it's a coin, as I think this author's experience is still valid even though he holds certain beliefs that don't necessarily reflect the reality of antidepressant drugs.

I think for him, antidepressants really failed him in his recovery, and this is an experience that many--including myself--can relate to on a visceral level. For me, antidepressants never helped; they dragged me down and caused more problems than they were worth. At times, they didn't have any effect at all.

Zoloft sent me to the hospital due to SSRI-induced akathisia. Not fun. Amitriptyline made me feel like a zombie and I would sleep for 14 hours a day. Ativan? Did nothing at all.

However, my story doesn't reflect the effects others have experienced with antidepressants. For some, SSRIs and tricyclic drugs saved their lives and helped them through the hardest stages of their mental illnesses. Those experiences matter and show that antidepressants still have a place in the recoveries of those who need them.

So I have an issue with this book in that it takes the author's personal experiences and makes them into objective fact. I just can't get behind it because it ignores the evidence that I've disclosed above. For many adults, antidepressants really help. For some of us, they don't. And that's ok.

"Does this way still work or does this way?" People... why can't it be both? Both ways can work! Why are we getting stuck in this cycle of black-and-white thinking with humanity? It's not helpful at all. As soon as I ran into that way of thinking in Lost Connections, I got pretty irritated with the author and his message. At the same time, he had some messages that I really agreed with, such as reminding ourselves that we have a lot more mental power than we give ourselves credit for. If we believe something enough, our body will reflect that truth, even if for just a short period of time (placebo effect).

If we learn to change a perspective about ourselves and how we view the world around us long enough, we can change how we feel in general. This all takes a lot of work, though; lots of time, patience, and trial and error. For example, I've had to teach myself how to recognize when I'm starting to have a depressed/anxious episode, and in response, I do a lot of self-talk and challenging my negative feedback loops. Even then, I had to also teach myself to listen to the reason within my self-talk and follow through.

This took months, lots of failures, frustration, feeling like I just couldn't do it... and yet I did it and am getting better all the time. Little by little, and that is something I also have to remind myself of. So yes, changing perspective about my depression and showing myself that I had the power to help myself, well... helped! A lot, really, and I know that this is a process that can help others.

However, I don't take antidepressants and that is a tool that some might need in order to walk their own path. I think when it comes to Lost Connections, it teaches a valuable tool that it might've not meant to: if you're taking antidepressants and they help you, educate yourself on the adverse effects. Protect yourself for the long-term, because there may come a day where you might not need them anymore, and getting off antidepressants can be a harrowing experience. (Especially if you've had to increase doses over time!)

For those of us who don't take antidepressants, know that it doesn't have to be a part of your journey to take them, but it's also ok if you need them to help you along the way. There is no shame in taking anitdepressants and if they help you, don't let anyone try to talk you out of it. If they don't like them, then they don't have to take them lol. But it's your life and you ultimately get to dictate what to do with it!

[kdke]

I've been thinking a lot about my most recent ex--we'll call her Lynn. Lynn and I got involved very quickly and in a passion; we had a lot in common and connected very well, it seemed. However, whether it was timing or just because we were in not the right places in our lives (maybe both?), it started to really fall apart after about... three months or so. At the six-month mark, it was pretty much done.

I have been trying to think on it very closely, figuring out all the puzzle pieces of the experience because there's been a lot of blame being thrown around. It's been very easy for Lynn and I to kind of point the finger at each other, and she is more susceptible to victimizing herself that I've been in this dilemma. That response has been very frustrating for me because it takes all responsibility she's had in her actions and puts it all on me.

One thing I have learned in my past relationships, romantic or not, is that I somehow attract people who have a very hard time accepting responsibility for their choices. They want to blame everyone else for making one poor choice after another. "I wouldn't have done A if you haven't done B" has been a common saying in my past dynamics, and it always rubbed me the wrong way.

Let's say you say something to upset someone. It doesn't matter what it is, but they are obviously offended by you. Now that person is presented with a choice within themselves: are they going to lash out at you for what you said, or choose another way to handle the situation? That is for them to figure out, alone. You can't make them do it, and you can't dictate to them how they will respond.

They decide to lash out at you and excuse their choice by saying, "I only did it because you offended me." This presents a false situation where they're implying they had no choice, even though they did. Perhaps it was a situation where after many years, they default to lashing out when offended. However, that is conditional and it's something they can change if they're willing to.

At the end of the day, it is their choice, and they are responsible for that. Not you. You are only responsible for how you choose to communicate to others, and that includes how to respond to someone you've offended, and so on.

Anyway... that's obviously just my thought process on it, and I digress in explaining it further. Almost everyone I've come across and has wanted to be some part of my life (excluding some exceptions) have had a very hard time understanding this. Lynn expected this understanding from me, but it wasn't something she wanted to reciprocate. If I became upset from something she said, explaining why it upset me was considered an attack and I was victimizing her. But if I made her upset, I would immediately try to understand what happened and then apologize.

I, of course, became very critical at times about certain things she said and it made her feel like she couldn't talk to me, which was very unfortunate. I tried very hard (and still do; my outer critic can be pretty mean) to fix that, but it's been a process that just took too long for our relationship. At the same time, Lynn was becoming very resistant and defensive against her therapy, and changing her own problematic behaviors was a mountain she didn't want to climb.

I say she didn't want to because she started to expect me to change for her; if I got better in my recovery, then she believed she would get better. If I could figure out how to communicate more effectively, that would make her life better and she would feel more secure. A few times she had admitted that it was my hope for her progress that she was depending on, but it was much deeper than that. She didn't want to change, but if I wanted to be in a relationship with her and be happy, I had to be willing to change for the both of us and expect close to no effort from her. I wasn't having it.

I left that relationship feeling very hurt, frustrated, and conflicted because I knew we had injured each other in different ways. I realized that communicating with Lynn about why I was frustrated was futile, as everything I could say to try to resolve those issues was taken as hostile. It was no longer an image I could change to help my words get across.

Jesse, my therapist, tells me that Lynn was the true perpetrator in this situation. To be honest, I don't really want to set myself up for a victim mindset about it. I don't feel like it's helpful in my case. I also think it erases any responsibility I had in some of the arguments Lynn and I struggled through. I'm definitely not innocent and it's something to note. I have a lot to learn still.

It was also becoming very frustrating on her side as I started to become less involved. It was a depressing and extremely stressful time in my life, when Lynn and I started dating. I still was having a difficult time with understanding why I would just... drift away from my romantic relationships. I started to do this with Lynn and it bothered her a lot.

Rightfully so. It wasn't that I didn't care about her, but rather I was handling my stress in a negative way and I allowed it to affect her. I handled it badly and it was a good chunk of what caused our issues. This is something that I'm working on in my current relationship; I'm fortunate that Mark doesn't have the same attachment style as Lynn (Lynn was much more of an anxious-attachment type; she would want my time constantly in the beginning of our relationship and had to learn that I couldn't be always available to her. There were other issues of her assuming that I was looking for someone else every once in a while. I never was as I'm someone who stays solely focused on the person I'm dating, but obviously me isolating myself from Lynn became an issue all on its own besides that), and he doesn't take my long silences throughout the day personally at all. That's been a great relief for me and has made our nighttime chats more desirable and less overwhelming since I won't be chatting with him all day long to begin with.

Anyway, I'm always throwing word vomit in this journal. I guess I'm just glad to have a place like this where I can work through my thoughts.

[kdke]

So... I might not be able to go back to school next quarter because I don't have any financial aid coming in. It really was my own fault; I procrastinated and let one screwup stack on top of the other to the point where all I could do was watch it tumble back down. Now I have to retreat and pick up the pieces. With what, though, I'm not sure.

I didn't want to write about this, to be honest. Not because I was ashamed but because I didn't want to feed my anxiety about it. I'm not sure if this is just a part of that procrastination like I'm trying to avoid the issue, but I've noticed a shift in me when it comes to dilemmas that pop up. I've become more inclined with wanting to focus on solutions; after I realized the pickle I was in, I started to feel anxious and very distressed. But even while feeling that way, I told myself, "Well, now we have to go to plan B and find a job. We have to survive this way until we get our * together again."

Job hunting brings its own form of anxiety for me, but I'm hoping that it won't be as tedious now that I've got almost a year's worth of administrative schooling behind me, even though it's not finished. I was wise enough to talk to my instructor about this issue and I think she would back me up with a reference if that's what it came down to. Until I can return and finish my degree...

But like I said, I really can't feel very badly about myself. Seriously, I did it to myself and this wouldn't have happened if I had made better choices several months ago. Anyway, I'm going to digress because I can feel myself getting ready to spiral down a "woulda coulda choulda" rabbithole that I don't want to go down, haha. It's done and over with--all I can do now is just make better choices.

I feel like my inner child is really urging me to put more energy into my creative side right now, as I've had ideas for working on a blog and also doing some freelance work. I like to make resume templates, edit and proofread resumes and cover letters, and also transcribe (when I'm not distracted). I'm good at these things and little Kdke is like, "Let's do some more woo!" She wants to go go go and make beautiful things. I just need to let it happen instead of pushing it down, and for what reason? It's actually come to a point in my life where stifling my creativity--my life force--is kind of destroying me.

I am... a creative person. I can be very creative, and I can make awesome things from nothing. And that's very difficult for me to say. It brings tears to my eyes, not because I'm happy, but because I'm fighting against this force that got molded into me that looks at my creativity and tells me it's worthless. It mostly sounds like my stepdad, but there is my mother there, too. But mostly my stepdad. I hate him for drilling his self-serving, ignorant, petty, hateful voice into my mind. I hate him for making little Kdke feel the way she did, sitting on her bed, staring off into nothing as she endured hours and hours of pretty much being reminded of how much of a disappointment she was... just for being who she was.

I can't let that happen again.

[sanmagic7]

hey, kdke, i've been away for a bit, moving, but i caught up on your journal entries.  you have a fine mind.  i'm glad you've found this space to be helpful in working thru your thoughts.

i agree with you on the entire black and white thinking thing that so many people are into.  another part of that, to my mind, is the judgment that often goes along with it.  i've experienced that way too often in life, and altho i can sometimes understand why it happens (protecting a belief system, etc.), i believe, like you, that people are so very complex, have so many pieces about them that it's impossible to truly know why they hold the perspective they do.

finding out about your 'self', what it entails, what it might mean for the future, is an adventurous endeavor.  it looks like you've begun with being able to list your differences between you and grace.   well done.  i do think that at the bottom of everything, we have the ability to choose who we want to be, what kind of person we want to present to the world, and how we want to interact with others.

no small feat, to be sure, but a worthy one, to my mind.  i'm still working on it, make plenty of mistakes, but continue to practice.  i won't ever be perfect at it, but it gives me a continual goal to shoot for, and that's something to help me keep moving forward.

thanks for sharing.  by the by, i relate to the whole eating thing, too.  sending love and hugs to you.

[kdke]

Thanks for always coming by to visit, san.  I appreciate your insight.

[kdke]

This post talks some about chronic pain management, opiates, suicidal thoughts, and some angering towards my best friend's mother whom I love dearly regardless. Just a forewarning.

*************

I've had a best friend now for almost two decades. I'll call her Allie. Allie has been there for me since I was 13 and has been a sister to me. After my family died, her parents swept me up from that disaster and have been helping me find my place in the world.

All three of them are a huge reason why I'm alive and still going today.

But now Allie's going through a very rough time in her life, and I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it. Her mother, Kris, has post-polio syndrome. She grew up in Panama and was a victim of their polio epidemic back in the day. Kris is now 73 and is always in horrific pain, and the only thing that helps her get through every day is a regimen of fioricet and oxycontin. As her syndrome causes chronic pain that only gets worse over time, opiates have been essential for her to even be able to have everyday conversations with her family.

Now, that doctor who has helped her have these prescriptions is retiring in three months, and a new doctor Kris has tried to see is attempting to wean her off oxycontin--from 80mg to just 5mg.

I'm very aware of this new wave of trying to get opiate distribution under control; it's been a serious issue over the years as the drug is very addicting and can cause problems for the long-term. As well, many doctors are getting caught giving these narcotics to people who don't even really need them to begin with, sparking an epidemic that never had to happen if physicians had been more mindful of their patients' needs.

Kris isn't someone who can live without them. Post-polio syndrome is on a list of diseases and conditions (along with cancer) that may require heavier narcotics like oxycontin. So I'm both happy the epidemic is finally getting under control, but frustrated that Kris is having to suffer because of it.

This is especially relevant to me because I'm getting a degree in the medical field, mainly in administrative and coding work. I follow news and am very upset by the possibility of why Kris's doctor is doing this; I have a terrible feeling that this has less to do with her wellbeing and more to do with personal ethics and agendas of the physician. While a physician has a prerogative to having their own ethics, enforcing a personal agenda (in this case, being against opiates) on a patient with a chronic pain condition is, in my opinion, bordering on cruel and unusual treatment.

At Kris's age and knowing how much agony she's in every day, oxycontin should almost be considered an essential piece in her quality-of-life care. *... I almost feel like it should be palliative care at this point. She's tired, she's done; let her have her oxycontin and live her life in as little pain as possible so she can be with her family. Make her comfortable. Let her be. Let her die with some feeling of relief!

As far as how this affects the dynamic between her and Allie, however... that's where a lot of conflicting emotions come in. Just like how I was severely enmeshed with my mother, Allie is probably even moreso with Kris. Worse, it's not something they've ever wanted to consider fixing and have even looked at their enmeshment as something godly, like it's a spiritual gift and meant to be.

Honestly, I really don't care about the spiritual parts, but rather the fact that it's being rationalized as good when it's been slowly destroying Allie over the years. My best friend, the one person that I probably love the most in this whole world... might not be around for long after Kris dies. I don't know if Allie could handle being without her mother, similar to how I felt after my mother died--and yet worse, I suspect. Their enmeshment is more intense than mine ever was, and in the past, Allie has told me about how she and Kris have even made suicide pacts with each other. It's... really bad.

So I worry. I can't help it. Allie tells me she wouldn't kill herself if Kris died; I want to believe her, but I don't feel out of line to still be scared she will give up. And I'm frustrated at both of them, mostly Kris, for allowing this dynamic between them to get to this extreme level where they don't even know who they are without the other. It was a conversation I've had in the past with Kris, which I know now I wasn't the person that could be heard by her. I shared my worries that this enmeshment could kill Allie, and it really has been a concern for many years. Kris blew it off and told me she didn't see any issue. Allie does the same thing. I could never get through to them no matter how hard I might try. I'm not the person to do that, and I don't know who would be.

I could hope to have Allie see a therapist, but she is very resistant to therapy and has a lot of distrust. However, I am glad that Kris is with me in hoping Allie will change her mind. I do feel like Kris has some narcissisitc tendencies that have caused this enmeshment to manifest in the first place; I've had plenty of conversations where I've picked up on behaviors that were just off. Kris has been painted as a kind of matriarch of the family and she tries to live vicariously through her daughters, getting into their business and relationships. She can be very critical of her daughters, being "honest" when in reality she puts them down just because they might do or wear something she doesn't personally like. And that's hard--it's hard to be spoken to that way by someone whom should be lifting you up to be whatever you want to be.

A lot of this behavior, I think, was adopted from Kris's own mother, who was even worse from what Kris has told me. Seems to be a common pattern among baby boomers and their own parents, I've noticed. I hope that cycle will stop one day, and parents stop using their own children as objects to reflect themselves.

[kdke]

My irritability, anxiety, and depression got triggered a little bit today over a stupid, little debate I had with a classmate.

I'll name her Dre. We were all in a lecture and the topic was on neurological diseases, and this eventually branched into how food can affect our brains. Dre brought up that squeezable cheese that comes with certain packaged mac and cheese products, and said how most of it is silica and how toxic it is.

I kind of cringed inwardly at this because at least on my Facebook feed, I noticed this trend of memes where people are like, "Guys, this ingredient is bad for you because you can find it in this other product!" It completely puts aside the reality that a chemical can come in several different forms, and certain forms are harmless while others are toxic. Usually (but not always), the latter isn't put in foods, and the former is. Even then, the former isn't something you don't want to eat in large quantities because it can still cause issues, of course. It's really kind of a precarious balance, but I digress.

I know enough, as a layperson, that there is a difference, and I wanted to know more about what kind of silica was in the cheese Dre brought up. I talked to her about it and said, "I remember being very interested in silica after hearing this horrible story about some girls who tried to poison a classmate with silica packets, but found out that form of silica wasn't harmful. I wonder what form of silica is in the cheese you mentioned and whether it's really harmful or maybe in moderation, it might not do anything. And ya know, silica in a different composition is also an essential mineral for body structure. I'm just curious."

So I looked it up, and Dre started to immediately shoot me down and patronize my efforts. She started asking me, "What's that article, who wrote it? What are its sources? You know you can source anything, right? You can just cite me, you know." Like, holy crud, lady. I felt very disrespected and almost laughed at.

I tried to reiterate the position I was coming from, though. I was determined to have a civilized conversation. "What I'm saying is that I'm just wondering what kind of silica it is, because I know that not every kind is harmful and at least one kind of essential for everyday functioning." Dre turned around in her computer and said, "You know... I'm not trying to sound pretentious," and my irritability shot up 110% because a disclaimer like that is usually always broken with whatever is said next, "but I have an extensive background in forensic chemicals and toxicology, and I know that this form of silica is not good for you."

I was trying... SO HARD to keep my composure. I absolutely hate being dismissed, and especially when someone dismisses me using an appeal to authority. It was so, "I know all, and you're just a peasant" kind of attitude, and I almost hated her in that moment. I told her, "Fair enough, and I'll say it again, I am NOT implying that just because we have on form of silica in our bodies, that it means we can just ingest any form of it and be fine. I understand that's not how it works. I was just curious to know what this form was and how it used as a food additive. That's it."

I'm happy, though, that the debate ended peacefully, but I left it feeling like I was just someone that was shut down for no other reason than to preserve Dre's ego. Like... it started to feel like it had less to do about whether what I was saying was reasonable or not, but more to do with me simply being a layperson in that topic and therefore I should just be quiet.

However, I have to be careful to acknowledge the reality that I am still very upset that it happened, and perhaps my hurt emotions over it might be painting a picture that isn't based entirely in facts. This kind of confrontation, as well, is something that I'm working on in therapy as a side effect of my cPTSD. I get triggered very, VERY easily when I feel like my voice isn't being acknowledged, especially when I feel disrespected, and I will go from a 1 to a 10 in seconds.

My parents (especially my dad and stepdad) would dismiss, condescend to, and patronize me constantly for not understanding things. Worse, even if I did understand something, it didn't matter because I was a kid so anything I had to say didn't have any true worth unless it served their egos. I endured that kind of verbal and psychological abuse for years, and now I get incredibly upset when others treat me the way my dad and stepdad did.

I'm going to try to not let Dre's attitude ruin my day. I feel very down right now; hopeless, embarassed, angry, and resentful. I feel bullied, and I'm just trying not to let myself spiral. I think I'll be ok, but it sucks.

[sanmagic7]

i don't wonder that you feel bullied - to my mind, that's exactly what dre was doing.  pretentious, indeed!  i'm with you that those kinds of statements are forerunners of just exactly how pretentious (know-it-all, smart-*, arrogant, etc - whatever they're attempting to deny beforehand) they really are being.  pooh on them!!!

as far as the chronic pain and painkillers go, i remember a doc once telling me that there's a difference between painkillers used to preserve quality of life and those used to get high (my d once had a chronic pain disorder).  these docs are so afraid of addiction, yet they know very little about it, except that the word sends danger signals to them and they try to avoid it at all costs.

i've been on clonazepam for over 20 yrs. for sleep.  am i addicted?  yep, definitely.  physically addicted for sure.  still, if i'm abruptly taken off it, my sleep suffers horribly and within a week i'm back to where i was 2 decades ago - depressed, miserable, sleep-deprived, and unable to get any profound sleep cuz of restless legs syndrome.  i've been warned by docs so many times about the 'addiction' concern with this med, that i'm sick to death of it.

your friend's mother deserves better care.  if the docs would only look into pain management and meds, learn something about it, educate their patients about it, and yeah, let them have what they need, especially when they're older - what is that going to harm?  ooooh, this stuff grinds my gears.

i'm not advocating anything rash or a free-for-all for everyone, but certain people should be able to depend on their docs to see their distress and do what's in their power to ease it.  i know the med. profession at large is like a cat on a hot tin roof about the opioid epidemic that's going around, but i do believe it's cuz they handled it badly in the first place. 

so, i'm very sorry you all are going thru this, sorry your friend's mother is in such pain, all of you are in pain about this on one level or another.  it's really too bad this can't be dealt with rationally in order to ease suffering as much as possible.

just throwing in some support to you for all this.  by the by, i totally understood the point you were making about the silica.  dre can just get off her high horse about her knowledge and all.  sending love and a big hug full of righteous indignation.

[kdke]

San, I appreciate to have someone who understands my frustrations about Kris's opioid situation. There really needs to be more consideration for those who seriously need stronger medications (like her) to have proper quality of life. She deserves it, has fought hard for it. I hope that shell be taken care of.

*****

Another weekend and it kind of started out frustrating. I made sure to get some software simulations done, and then an exam, but getting to Mark's was difficult. I usually grab a snack from the store so I can take out some cash; well, I got the snack but forgot to ask for cash! So I was walking in the direction of the bus stop, and halfway there I realized what I had done. I was very irritated with myself and couldn't catch a ride for almt another half hour.

When I finally got to Mark's, he sprung on me that we were going to the pool. I don't own a swimsuit and so I told him that I'd just get my legs wet. That made my Mark feel badly and so he started to suggest I try his swimshorts on, then do this and that, etc.

It really only served to make me feel even more frazzled and irritated. I know he was trying to be helpful, but it also felt like a situation where he was trying to make me do something to make himself feel better. I felt uncomfortable and pressured after a while.

It's definitely something that triggers my anxiety super quickly because it starts to feel like it's less to do with my feelings and more about the other person's. Also, from my perspective, it seems to make things more complicated than they need to be, and that just adds to my frustration.

I'm not sure exactly where it comes from, and I feel like it is a part of my cPTSD. It really puts me in a bad place, and I start to feel cornered and almost panicked. I'll go into fight mode, like I wanna say, "BACK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!"

I'm wondering if it has a lot to do with my childhood bullying, from other kids and my parents, and now anything that makes me feel pressured and like my autonomy is being overridden puts me in a super bad place. The anxiety is so bad that it's physically painful.

I took a shower after my talk with him and started to feel better (sort of). His big kids were hiding in different places in the living room and surprised me (Mark's ex dropped them off since I told her she could now that I was at the apartment). They ran out of their hiding spots and said, "Boo!" It made me smile and feel a lot better.

I talked to Mark and we went to the store to find me something to go swimming in, after all. We found me a swim top and got a pair of trunks. I haven't gone swimming in years, and being in a pool again was heaven. I absolutely loved it and we'll be going back tomorrow. I had forgotten how happy swimming makes me! I feel so at home in the water.

[kdke]

It's Sunday night and I wanted to end the weekend with another entry. I've been thinking on and off a lot about how my perspective of myself has fluctuated some, and not in a way that I think is helpful.

Right now, I've been kind of harsh about certain parts of me that are actually very essential. I was talking to my college counselor and she picked up on some fears I had about my harsher side. It started as I recollected why I have such a hard time accepting people's compliments about my personality; I told her that it feels like they're saying I'm on this golden pedestal when in reality it's like I'm looking up at it and can hardly reach it. I said it feels that way because of all these darker parts that exist within me, that feel like are going to creep to the surface and show the world that I'm not these positive things others say I am.

My counselor said, "So, a few months ago, we were talking a bit about your shadow self. Those parts of you that are shadowy but have helped you through life. You have this good, light side that people see, and then you have this darker, tougher side that defends and stands up for you. So the shadow is good when used in the right way, right?"

I started to cry when I thought of it. There's something very visceral that hits me when I talk about the shadow. My shadow, the darker and more complex parts of my personality, have been so repressed and shut down that sometimes I forget how valuable they are. It comes out as snippy and cruel, full of resentment and rage; but when allowed to breathe and integrate with my everyday self, my shadow is strong, tough, and helps me take charge. It helps me to protect myself and doesn't allow others who disrespect me to walk away unnoticed.

My shadow self tends to come out in my dreams, I've noticed. That's where she's most powerful and can do whatever she wants, whereas in the real world, she has to be stifled because of my fears. I sometimes wake up from my dreams a bit horrified by what my shadow is capable of, at least in a world only exists in my sleep. But in a way, it's a cry for help. Like a child who is so frustrated that she can only kick and scream, my shadow can rage and make awful choices in my dreams. At the same time, she can also make good choices, ones that show she has no room for the disrespect of others and has an unapologetic drive to do what she wants.

These are things that I struggle with a lot. But the fact that my shadow can do it tells me that I can do it, too.

The very first therapist I had, she saw these polarizing traits in me that were battling for control, so she asked me to name them and tell her what traits they represented. I named them Cadeyrn and Nedra. Cadeyrn was the voice that represented power, confidence, creativity, drive, but also aggression and anger. She was a masculine energy. Nedra was compassionate, empathetic, giving, loving, but also timid and scared. She was a feminine, maternal energy.

Cadeyrn and Nedra battle a lot when in reality, they are parts of me that should be working together. It's one of the reasons I know I've come across as a bit wishy-washy to some people in my life; I can go back and forth, between putting my foot down or letting people walk all over me. From being timid to being aggressive. It's very frustrating for me because I'm aware of this imbalance.

I bring up Cadeyrn and Nedra, too, because they both represent parts of my shadow. I think Cadeyrn more than Nedra, as I believe the former has been much more suppressed over the years and made to kind of fester and grow resentful. I also have found it fascinating how these two energies have an astrological significance for me. I don't so much believe in astrology as a supernatural force, but I do find it interesting as a way to explore one's personality. Cadeyrn represents Aries, my Sun sign. Nedra is Cancer, my Rising.

Nedra also has a special, archetypal presence for me. It was by total coincidence that her name is a deviation of a word that means "Underworld." As I got to know more about archetypes, I've grown a fondness for Persephone and her story. I started to understand that I could integrate Persephone's rise to authority and power to build up Nedra. I also know, through journaling and understanding these two polarized energies, that Cadeyrn (my shadow) isn't wanting to silence Nedra, but rather is just frustrated by Nedra's lack of courage to speak up. This is where I need to learn how to better allow my shadow to come forth and let it help me. It's something I need to be willing to explore now more than ever.

[Sceal]

Hi Kdke.

I wanted to reply to your previous post, but I needed to get my mind more focused first. If you don't mind me jumping back to the day where you headed out to Mark.

Perhaps your reaction towards him and his suggestions that were meant to be helpful might be because you had a rough start on the day and the stress, irritation and frustration of that where still lingering and what you really needed was validation and just a moment to breathe after your arrival before you had to deal with unexpected new things.

My therapist said that when having survived trauma we often have lingering emotions that pops up without us quite knowing why or where they came from. But that the emotions most likely had a purpose once upon a time, protecting the Self, but without integration they appear in other overwhelming situations too. I am not sure if I quite explained that very well. But I hope you understand what I meant.

I am glad to hear though that your day turned nice afterwards, and that swimming for you were really enjoyable!

[sanmagic7]

hey, kdke,

i believe we all have a darker, shadow side to us, and part of what we can do for ourselves is acknowledge and embrace it.  it is a part of us that has come to the fore when we've needed to be tougher, stronger, and fighting for our boundaries and our selves.   i think it's been repressed out of fear (because we've seen too much of it negatively in others) or because it didn't suit the agendas of others in our lives.  they didn't want to see us strong because we would be too hard to manipulate if we were.


i agree with sceal that your difficult start to your day may have exacerbated those feelings about mark.  another thought that came to my mind was how many times we've had people pressure us to do something cuz it would somehow make them feel better.   i don't like when people pressure me, either.  i'll find my own way, thank you very much, at least in situations like that.  and if i need help, i'll ask for it.

i find it fascinating that you were able to name your polar opposite sides.  i never thought of that, but it sounds like it works well for you.  well done.   sending love and a big hug to you, sweetie.

[kdke]

Sceal, what you've explained makes a lot of sense to me and now I'm wondering if being frustrated with trying to get to Mark's was already weighing me down by the time he told me about the pool. I've been trying to get into a habit of letting people know that if I seem agitated, it has nothing to do with them but because of a previous situation; I'm just trying to work through those feelings.

So far, I've found that when I put in the effort to acknowledge someone and say, "Hey, it really isn't you and you've done nothing wrong," and then make a good effort to not direct those emotions towards them, they really appreciate it.

Even if I slip up a little, the awareness has been established and the other person can step back like, "Let's talk about it later because I know you're already stressed out." I mean, I've been lucky enough to have people like that in my life, but I imagine that's not how it always works, lol. I've had people where I try so hard, but slipping up is always an offense regardless, even if I apologize and try again. Can't win them all.

But yes, in regards, too, to misplaced emotions that aren't being integrated well--this has definitely been a struggle for me! It's gotten a lot better as I've worked harder to understand my triggers, but that's not saying I still don't feel them and have to step away to know what for. Thank you for speaking up.

San, you saw the same thing Sceal did and I really appreciate you both giving me that extra insight. You're both so caring and receptive that I'm happy to really keep a closer eye on why I might feel the way I do so I can integrate those emotions more successfully in the future. As for the shadow side--yes! I really do agree that others also try to shut it down because if we allowed our shadows to fight for us, we would be harder to manipulate by those who wish to use and hurt us.

I almost see my shadow as the anti-hero side of myself; for the most part, I am seen as a very patient, friendly, and compassionate person. At the same time, the anti-hero part of me isn't afraid (or doesn't want to be) to put out my palm and say, "NO" to those who would try to disrespect me; the side that is willing to seem harsh, mean, or crabby for the sake of preserving my agency. It is a risk that needs to be taken with those who want to project their own negative emotions and control me. I'm still learning to have those battles but I'm getting better little by little all the time. The fact that I'm having them is a huge step, lol!

*****

I wanted expand more on my understanding of my shadow as it was something that really encouraged me to delve more deeply into my therapy. I don't think I had very much of an understanding of it right after my mother died, and even a year after that. I was trying to figure out what my first therapist was touching upon and now I realize she was helping me accept my subpersonalities.

Personally, I think of subpersonalities as the different parts of a puzzle. I like to imagine my puzzle representing a beach of my liking, and that beach is made up of different things:

Ocean water
Shadows within the water
Waves
Birds
Sky
Clouds
Sun
Pebbles
Seaweed
Bushes and flowers
Winding path down to the beach
A cave besides the path
Darkness within the cave
Shadows within the darkness

All of these things have their separate qualities, have a story to tell; but together, they make up my puzzle. They come together and make me who I am, and I have to understand how they integrate with one another, and even learn their different narratives that tell me why they are the way they are.

I remember when I first started to explore this concept with my therapist and felt a bit uncomfortable. I felt like I was being told I had multiple personalities and wondered how worried I should be, lol. Because to some extent, I knew that DID can be debilitating and I didn't fully understand where I was struggling the most just yet. She explained to me that this was simply an exercise in knowing who I was and to embrace that. It was also an attempt to help me feel more empowered rather than trying to stifle and fight myself all the time. (She also knew that I was a creative/imaginative person and this exercise would appeal to that side of me. She's too clever!)

As time has gone on, I also see this as a tool to filter out the criticisms that have been adopted by my abusers, which has been super helpful in understanding the motivations behind my inner and outer critics.

Anyway... in looking at myself in that way, I see parts of my puzzle that are obscured. I imagine for some people, might seem to hide away terrors that we are taught to fear from an early age.

I feel the same way, in a sense. I look at the sky, ocean, and cave, and see my shadow. It is the force that thrives in the darkest parts of me, that knows all paths, knows what to do to survive, even if it means having to choose what others couldn't stomach to. But my shadow does because it knows that sometimes you have to make hard decisions; sometimes you're placed in a dilemma (by yourself or others) where you have to make a choice that would cause someone else to dislike you. You might lose a friendship, lose trust with someone that sees your decision and finds offense. And perhaps that's something they're willing to talk about, but the shadow chooses the path that we have to go down to progress, no matter how much it hurts or scares us to.

I look to my shadow and see a young woman that has taken paths down dark places and dragged me along with her in my dreams. She is angry, but also hurting so much, facing my fears over and over again in different forms and intensities. It's like she's drowning, and I'm the only one who can row out into the sea and save her before it's too late.