kdke's Recovery Journal

[Seashell]

Hi kdke,

I've been away from here for the last few weeks. Just wanted to say I really enjoyed your sharing about your shadow.

Also, your creativity is beautiful! I hope you continue to find more opportunities to allow for Little kdke's expression.

Sending a hug (if you like),
Seashell

[kdke]

Thanks, Seashell! It's so good to see you back. I was actually thinking about you today and wondering when I'd see you posting about your journal again. 

*****

So today was kind of a blah day for me. I woke up at 10:54am, which sucks because Wednesdays between 10 and 11 is when I have an appointment with the college counselor. I really value these sessions because it just helps me to balance myself out, especially when getting an appointment with my actual therapist can be super tough. She has a lot of clients and trying to fit us all in when it works best can be a challenge, but she tries and I try. That's all we can do.

Saying that, I had to call her a leave a message; I have to cancel that appointment, too, because I have CPR/first aid training this Friday between 12 and 5. My session is at 3. Uuuugh lol. I hate missing therapy, but I explained in my message that it was a class paid for during registration and it's only offered by the college once a year. For that reason, if I don't take it this Friday, I have to either wait a WHOLE year (not going to happen because I need the training to graduate) or pay for it on my own time somewhere else.

Soooo yeah.

Beyond that... lol. Because there's more: I woke up feeling super hungover. I don't drink, so waking up feeling that way is never fun and sets me up for a bad day. Nothing could help me feel better; I thought maybe it was caffeine withdrawal--it wasn't. I tried to eat, but that didn't help. The headache just got worse and I started to feel nauseated. I went to my work but left a half hour early. There was no one there so I didn't feel particularly guilty.

When I got home, I downed 4 Tylenol (I made sure to read how much I could take in 24 hours--I am responsible so no worries!) with some water, then sipped on some soda hoping the carbonation would calm my stomach.

Thank the elder gods for rapid release, extra strength Tylenol, lol. I still felt on the verge of being sick for a while after the head pain went away, but I'm feeling better now. There is some dullness of what I felt earlier, but yeah. Not terrible. And my appetite is back to normal. I'll be making food later.

My mood isn't horrible, at least. I got to talk to Grace a bit today; the drama between her and our instructor is really coming to a head and getting more complicated. I was talking to my boyfriend last night, though, that I'm ready to tell Grace that I need a break from knowing what was going on. It's just a lot and knowing just her side of this dilemma is bringing me down. I feel very uncomfortable and the negative feelings she's experiencing are bit much for me to handle right now.

I'm happy to be her friend and I care about her a lot, but Grace has been developing some opinions about our instructor that don't settle well with me. I can understand that perhaps she is painting our instructor in such a way to emotionally distance herself and justify her own bad feelings regarding her, but it's not really a practice I want to enable or harbor if the makes sense.

Grace has been making fun of how my instructor looks, putting her down for reasons that really have nothing to do with a person's character. It's become petty to an extent and I'm kind of like, meh. I don't care to be a part of that conversation anymore.

Another part of the dialogue happening between me and Grace is her narrative; she believes that there is absolutely no reason our instructor has to dislike her, and Grace feels that she has done nothing wrong to be rude or disrespectful at any point.

This part of the conversation I've kind of kept quiet about because I really don't feel like I'm the right person for it. Grace has done things in the past to make others feel disrespected by her. During group projects, she has been very passive aggressive towards her classmates and the effort put into their work; she can also complain and seem very ungrateful sometimes. She has even done this right in front of me and her own group members, saying, "Well, I like your project. I think ours is bad, haha." It's... pretty disrespectful.

It has made some of our classmates not want to interact with her. I tried to kind of understand why she can sometimes be this way, as it's not something that happens often at all, to be honest. I think there was really only once or twice where she has shown a side of herself that was truly rude and passive-aggressive. Every other time, what others perceive as negative, I've come to understand as frustration and stress. She just doesn't really hide it and keep it to herself like the rest of us do. Which isn't always great since then she projects it onto some of us without realizing that's what she's doing.

Anyway... I guess I feel like some part of her feels so victimized by our instructor that she now has this narrative where she does no wrong and our instructor is this bully who targeted Grace for no reason other than why not. When the reality is... I have no idea why our instructor chose to suspend Grace. I really don't. I've come to accept the reality that no one can know the objective truth of what happened between Grace and our instructor in that office that day. We can only know their own, subjective perspectives, along with a small paper trail of emails, and secondhand words. That's it.

And it sucks. It really sucks, because that means no resolution that anyone can come to will be good enough for either party. It will never be fair, there will always be questions unanswered. I have a feeling that this whole squabble will end with both parties having some pretty toxic feelings. There will be hurt, resentment, anger, and even fear. I feel like it's unavoidable.

I've tried to explain to Grace that sometimes we can dislike someone because they reflect what we don't like about ourselves, so we try to correct it in what way we can. I said, "Maybe that's what our instructor is doing. I don't she's a bad person for doing it, since we ALL do that at some point in life. So if she is, it was a poor choice on her part, and it doesn't mean that what she sees in you is bad or good. It just is. Maybe she can come to terms with it one day, because it doesn't really mean she's trying to hurt you. She's on the defense so that tells me she's probably scared about something, and unfortunately, she doesn't know how to overcome that feeling than this way."

Grace thanked me for this mindset, and I think for a moment it really helped her to calm down and not feel so angry at our instructor. I don't think Grace is a liar, but as time has gone on, her perspective has morphed and changed in such a way where I think it's not as objective as it might have been in the beginning. If our instructor did choose to target Grace for no good reason, then I think our instructor needs to be disciplined and I hope she learns better ways of coping with her negative feelings. Punishing students because she feels uncomfortable isn't a good enough reason to make a decision like that.

But like any kind of situaiton like this, I know there is more to the story. These things are never so simple, and there are nuances involved. But ya know, I can only speculate and I've no real desire to go out of my way to find out more. I just needed to get it off my chest for now.

[Libby183]

Hi.

I just wanted to say hello,  and that I have been following your recovery journal from the start. I have noticed that you are troubled by,  and discuss a lot of things that I too have issues with.  I relate so much to the situation with your friend Grace. You seem to have given it so much thought,  looking at everything from all points of view. I would be exactly the same, but would end up feeling so tired and overwhelmed with it all, that I would withdraw. It's such hard work sometimes!

All the best to you.

Libby.

[kdke]

Libby, thank you so much for your kindness. I really love that even though these journals provide us with the freedom to say what we need to along with anonymity, to have others looking at our journeys and supporting us is a real gift I'm glad to have.

*****

As I've allowed myself to dive back into my shadow self and learning to integrate that, it's also made me think more about my dreams since those worlds are where my shadow can explore without restriction.

My dreams tend to be very vivid, colorful, and each "dream world" is incredibly vast. Sometimes it feels like each dream is its own acid trip, as I'll dream about things that are so outrageous and impossible that I imagine such a thing would only happen if you were on drugs or in some deep psychosis.

I always remember one dream in particular (even though there are many I can account for) where I was sitting on a pier with an ex; we were watching the stars which had turned into a giant whirlpool of circling sparkles of white light in the sky. It was like the sky had expanded and come closer to us if that were possible. Even in my dream, I was awestruck by how massive this experience was.

Others include drowned cities, islands composed of cheap motels and abandoned malls; derelict skyscrapers and their massive underground mazes in which something is watching me but never reveals itself; theaters, more hotels, and strange elevators; houses where nothing exists but screaming ghosts; futuristic, dystopian cities in deserts; towns that are like mirror funhouses, shifting and changing at every turn; skies where the moon is too large for comfort and stars never seem to stay in one spot for long.

The list can go on and on and gets weirder and weirder. I know there are correlations to why I dream this way, some ranging from sleep deprivation, hypertension, mental illness, and even weight problems. Regardless, when I talk about my dreams to others, they respond to me as though I have been keeping some kind of drug addiction under wraps from them, and where could they get some lol. Other people describe their dreams as just having strange conversations with people they know, or being somewhere unrecognizable or familiar. They sound very simple, where my dreams never are.

I don't always remember my dreams, but while there are real explanations for why they exist the way they do, I know that my dreams have always been this vivid and wild. I remember having dreams of zebras turning into every color of the rainbow at epileptic speeds (too much of the zebra gum, I imagine); or worse, dreaming about going to a circus where I would float into the air while giant crows would kill people with shotguns. I remember having waking dreams where I thought giant spiders with bodies that appeared like chaotic galaxies and millions of legs curling towards me would try to grab me from the ceiling.

All of this at the beginning of grade school.

All I know is that my brain, at least when I'm sleeping, is a powerful place full of images, sounds, tastes, sensations, and symbols that I think I need to pay more attention to. Especially when I have a dream involving violence, as I'm usually directly involved with.

My dream self, sadly, will sometimes commit violence against someone she doesn't like. She will do things that I would never do in real life. I've had dreams of beating my mother or one of my grandmothers in the bathroom. I remember having one where I was killing children trying to kill me and my mother, and another where I manhandled someone by slamming them to the ground and putting a foot on their head for just asking me a question I didn't like.

That's why I tend to refer to my dream self as my shadow. She is sometimes so full of rage that she will act it out in my dreams in ways that make me feel uneasy once I wake. I understand, though, that it's repressed anger that has built over years, as I was taught my anger was never justifiable and so came to believe that I was never in the right to be angry. I started to believe my anger was bad and shameful, and it became a huge part of my shadow self and why it manifests in my dreams in horrible ways.

To this day, I'm still pretty afraid of my anger and never feel ok with expressing it. There's also this weird part of me that feels like... anger is beneath me? Like it's an emotion that is primitive or a reflection of someone's lack of intelligence or maturity.

To say the least, it's an irrational fear and the explanation behind it is ridiculous and pretentious. I've no doubt that it evolved as a way for me to rationalize why I try so hard to not be angry over the years. It's not served me well and has only caused me issues. Anger is neither good or bad. The good or bad comes in when you have to decide what to do with your anger. That's something I've been having to remind myself of as I feel anger about different things, because my inner critic will try to punish me for feeling it at all.

And then if I'm not careful and repress my anger, it'll come out in frightening ways in my dreams. It's a bad cycle.

[kdke]

Mm, another thing I wanted to record for the sake of my memory and just because I'm really confused as to what it is:

I've always dealt with these debilitating headaches every since I was a child. I remember having them randomly (or maybe not?) and they would get worse as the day went on. Sometimes they'd get so bad that I would be at home, sick in bed and feeling nauseated. Sometimes the headaches would make me feel so sick that I would vomit. Rest and sleep would be the only things (at the time) that would relieve the pain.

These headaches never went away, but as my blood pressure got higher, they were explained away as tension headaches. However, I've learned to tell the difference between a tension headache and these other ones. With a tension headache, nothing will make it go away except for bringing down my blood pressure, usually through staying very hydrated and rest. With these other headaches, rest and taking high doses of Tylenol/Excedrin will make them go away.

Like yesterday; I took four Tylenol and chilled out. I kept the lights off in my apartment, only allowing my kitchen light to be on so I wasn't in complete darkness. I even contemplated taking a long nap, as that's what I usually have to do to make the headaches subside. I felt nauseated, I couldn't handle any everyday stimulus...

Oh, by the way: don't these headaches sound a lot like migraines? (lol)

These headaches usually migrate to areas like behind my eyes, either side of my head, or just focused on one side of my head. The tension headaches always manifest from behind my neck and spread upwards.

The other headaches (migraines?) will throb if I move too much and will even cause these horrible, sharp throbs every once in a while. They will sometimes also last for days. So will the tension headaches, but like I've said, I can tell the difference.

The reason I never went to the doctor about them is because like I said earlier--I was told they're tension headaches when my hypertension popped up. But... they were always an issue. Saying that, I'm going to have to make an appointment with my physician to understand what they are. We'll see.

[kdke]

I'm in a writing mood today lol. I just wanted to document something else that was on my mind before I forget.

There's a dream I've remembered where my dream self (shadow? I'll just call her my shadow from now on) won some kind of lottery, so she decided to go to a store to spend some of her money with friends. Along the way, this guy approached my shadow to see if he could bum some money off her. Well, shadow kdke didn't take kindly to this and she grabbed the guy by the neck, forced him onto the concrete and stood a foot on his head. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of lecturing the guy on leaving her alone... in more colorful language. He didn't bother her from then on, and my shadow went on her way.

Once inside, she started to look around and decided to diverge from her group of friends. They took no real mind, even as other friends who were following her decided to go on their way, too. She was just there do her own thing, without any concern over anyone else's opinions. Eventually, she made her way to the electronics department (no surprise there) and sat herself down at a PC that was open for demo or something. There was a lady and her daughter hassling my shadow about using the PC, and again my shadow was giving attitude lol.

What can I say? My shadow is sassy and pretty rude.

But something I notice, in spite of the rudeness and bite--my shadow embraces her own will as the most important in her own life. She doesn't worry about what people will think, even her own friends. She doesn't take offense when her friends do the same. My shadow concerns herself with what makes herself and her friends happy.

Most importantly (besides the aggression), she doesn't allow anyone to take advantage of her, or take her for granted. She's quick to correct others so they understand that they're to treat her the way she wants to be treated, not vice versa. And if you disrespect and assume? Well... I wouldn't slam you against the concrete, but my shadow encourages me to not take anyone's disrespect lol.

It's this assertiveness that I thought I've always lacked, but apparently, I don't. It's there, somewhere... just floating in my mind, in my unconscious. Why I've pushed it into the darkness, though, is a dialogue I need to have with myself and my shadow.

[sanmagic7]

your shadow reminds me of an old saying about women having pms, how they have 'attitude', how they stand their ground when otherwise they'd give way, or how they assert themselves in order to get something done.  the saying went something like 'it's during pms when we are our true selves, the ones we're meant to be.' 

talking about how your shadow is similar to this, how you believe you have these attributes but they've gotten pushed back or down, makes me think you may be absolutely right.  i do think you have that 'sassy' inside you, but you've had to block it somewhere along the way to protect yourself.  i believe that as you continue to heal, you'll find a way to integrate these characteristics into a healthy self.

keep going, kdke - i find it remarkable that you can remember these dreams so readily, and i think you're doing a great job of questioning, exploring, and being willing to look further into what it all might mean.  sending love and a hug filled with knowledge and realization.

[kdke]

San, thanks so much for being patient enough to read my entries lol. I know they're a lot since I always have a lot to say (I have a lot of internal dialogue!), but being able to write everything down helps to get it out of my head for a while and also makes me see value in my thoughts.

*****

I have a great uncle on my Facebook that I really love, but he's a part of a group within his generation that feel very entitled to make questionable choices for their children--choices that are now considered signs of narcissistic behaviors and just plain disrespectful/abusive to their children.

He shared a video (very staged, but all the same) of a father mowing over his son's video game discs, and it's meant to reflect "good parenting," meant to be funny and whatever. Meant to make resentful parents think, "Yeah, that'll show his ungrateful son!"

It just rubs me the wrong way. I understand what it feels like to be taken advantage of, to watch someone close to you just take you for granted and make a mess of your life. I get it.

But each party here made a choice, and I truly believe what this father did (in a real situation) is a poor, poor choice. This is toxic parenting. This is using your child to feed your ego. Punishing them by using the most traumatic way you can think of to destroy what makes them happy doesn't solve any problems--it creates more problems. It makes a child (of any age) think that their life doesn't belong to them, and is to be made into treasure or trash according to your personal likes and dislikes.

It's so disgusting to me that I could spit.

In a real-life scenario, the video shows a father having an ego trip and using his own child to make him feel powerful. To make him feel good about himself. Like, "What a good father am I. I'm so smart to take things from my son that he loves and obliterate them completely because they make me uncomfortable with myself. Look at how awesome I am, world."

This kind of behavior has nothing to do with the child's well-being. The child is a tool, nothing else. This father would've taught a better lesson about life and responsibility if he had sat his son down and had a serious, nonviolent conversation about respect, the expectations of both parties, and coming to a compromise. There are better ways to handle these things that are far more beneficial in the long run for both parties.

I'm so triggered lol!

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you all the way on that video - totally disgusting, completely toxic parenting.  you're so right that nothing pos. comes out of such behavior.  i could see how that kid might be devastated and humiliated to have that posted on social media.  o my heart - how horrible!

as far as being patient re: reading your posts, i'm interested in how people move thru their healing, what paths they take, how it all comes together for them, their perspectives and perceptions.  it has nothing to do with patience, actually.  i used to want to be a brain researcher when i was a kid, cuz i've always found the mind fascinating in what it does and how it does it.

i'm just glad you've found it helpful to write everything out here.  writing has always helped me with clarity and realizations and emotions, so i can relate.

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[kdke]

San, I feel the same way about others, to be honest. I like to know what journey they're on, what they think of it, and how they plan to deal with everyday obstacles. As well, how they interact with others during all of that~

My college counselor, my therapist, and my close friends (including my best friend's mother) think I should be a counselor lol! I'm fine being a desk worker within the medical field for now. Maybe later? I'm definitely thinking about it. I want to be in a better place first.

[sanmagic7]

i've been a therapist for over 25 yrs., have always absolutely loved my work.  it wasn't just a job, it was a pleasure and an honor, actually, to be able to work with people, help them see their own best selves and learn how to make that a reality for them.

if that's how you feel, it may be a good fit for you.  when you're ready, of course.  with all your background, knowledge, and experience, you already have the empathy and insight into so many levels that make up the reasons people need help.  i'd guess you'd also bring creativity to the profession, which is sorely lacking, to my mind, but what's needed to treat people as individuals.

i think being content with what you do is the first priority.  you'll know if/when you're ready to make a switch.  best to you, kdke.  love and hugs.

[kdke]

You have a lot of wisdom, San. Thank you for being on this forum~ 


*****

This post contains descriptions of the dying process. Please be mindful when reading.
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This weekend was rough as I tried to step away from the drama happening at college between Grace and my instructor (I'm just going to name her Monica from now on; tired of spelling out "my instructor" all the time lol). However, I had one last thing to do before I could go to Mark's: CPR training.

I've done CPR training back in junior high, so much of it was very familiar to me; like learning to be on a bike again. However, it came with a different emotion after everything else I've been through. As we were watching the videos of what a crisis situation might look like (with actors and such), I started to feel like I was going to choke. I was present while my mother was dying and then had to ride in the ambulance while the paramedics gave her CPR. We didn't have a car and I wasn't going to be left behind.

So all during the videos, I just kept experiencing memories of watching her die, the horrible seizing, the vomit, watching her be unconscious but mutter nonsense as some part of her mind still tried to communicate with me. And then when the paramedics finally arrived, watching from a distance as they tried to help her, feeling so incredibly helpless and scared... but kind of knowing this was the end.

And of course, the guilt that came from not knowing it was about to happen, of feeling stupid and terrible for not forcing her to go to the hospital days before when she was feeling awful. I thought she was just having a bad week, as older people have. And the times when I and her boyfriend did try to get her to go? She kept refusing. I guess I could've called an ambulance; they would've taken her to the hospital if they had known she was having chest pains or some kind of pains...

Then when we finally arrived at the ER, and they wheeled her away, still pumping at her chest, trying so hard to help. All I could do was say, "Thank you," because there was nothing else I could say. Even if they couldn't save her, they did their best. And I was falling apart. The doctor came out of the room where my mother was and told me in the gentlest way he could that they couldn't save her. I was sobbing, but I nodded and thanked him, too. Later I wondered if he thought I was thanking him for failing. I wonder if that was a part of me that was somewhat grateful she was gone, for a few different reasons.

I had a chaplain sit there with me and try to be present while I cried and went through my own existential crisis. Part of me kind of wanted her to stop talking, telling me, "You're experiencing this part of the grieving process." Who cares? My mom just died--why do you have to be like that? I think she felt awkward because I told her that I was an atheist; she was used to dealing with religious people.

My best friend's family came, and I felt like I wasn't so alone. I felt needed again, or appreciated or something. I guess I just felt like someone cared. Allie's mother, Kris, encouraged me to go see my mother's body; she really advocated for me. I went to go see my mother on the gurney. She still had a tube down her throat but her eyes were closed. Kris said, "See? It's like she's asleep." She was right, but my mother was cold. I took a cutting of her hair and kissed her forehead.

I was drenched from sweat and felt awful. I didn't feel right for a whole year, and even now, it comes out to remind me at times. Like last Friday.

I didn't choke, though. Thank goodness. Once I looked at the mannequins and started to train, I felt detached. It wasn't real, but it was a start of a tiring day. I went to Mark's, feeling exhausted and just done. He could tell I was off, but since I couldn't tell him to his face without falling apart, I messaged it to him. He was grateful for that--he was just glad I told him.

This is the end of the TW warning.

*****

The rest of the weekend was tiring, too. His younger children ( I call them the munchkins; both girls, one is 1 and the other is 2) come over every Sunday and I really like seeing them. They're used to seeing me but trust is still being built. This has been difficult for me only because I can't comfort them when they're upset since they don't really know me just yet. I hate it when they cry because every part of me wants to scoop them up and help them feel better, but doing so would just cause them more distress.

So sometimes I'm just left trying to speak softly to them while they stand there and cry and scream, waiting for Mark to come to the rescue. And even then, sometimes me talking to them makes it worse. It's just really hard, but I don't force myself pass their boundaries. I'm very particular about that, since I have some disagreeable opinions about children.

I consider myself an antinatalist in that I feel it would be immoral for me to bring an infant into this world in that state it's in. As well, I would be bringing another human into this world without its permission, but rather to appeal to my own ego (and whoever I would decide to procreate with). I also consider it immoral since I don't have the best genes in the world and would therefore be creating a human who might have to suffer through negative disorders they didn't ask for.

I don't force this opinion on others; in fact, all I say is that I don't want to get pregnant because it would be bad for my own body (which is true, but there's obviously some lie by ommission there). The conversation usually ends there, unless I run into someone who still insists I should give birth--which has happened before and I shut them down lol. My life, NOT yours.

Anyway... I never told Mark about my antiatalist beliefs, especially after he and I discussed my desire to not have children. At one point he said, "But if you ever change your mind and really want a child, we can talk about that and make it happen." I was actually kind of stunned by his offer, considering he already had four kids with two different women. Just speaking financially, one more child would be unrealistic imo. He already struggles with four, even though he's very dedicated to his children and loves them dearly.

But it was this talk that really made me hesitate to explain why I felt the way I did, especially when he himself was still so willing to make more babies. I don't think he would ever be able to understand, and I don't want him to be offended.

Because there's another part of this opinion that I hold, that while it's positive, still holds some ideas that might rub some people the wrong way. I believe that because children didn't get to choose to be born, they deserve a certain level of respect that many parents don't give them. I think many parents give themselves way more entitlement than they deserve, when it's the children (imo) who deserve much more. I don't think they should be worshipped, but they should be entitled to more compassion, patience, and gratitude, rather than feeling they somehow owe their parents the amount they (most of the time) are pressured to give.

After all, they were brought into this world not for their own sake, that's for sure. It was the parents who wanted to have a baby, to be parents, to feel like they made something, to talk about how their baby looks so much like them, and so on. And most importantly, by having a child, THEY sign up to spending sometimes half their lives putting money and time and labor into raising that child. The child didn't ask for that--the adults did. And yet children are so often plagued with lectures about how they owe their parents this and that, how ungrateful they are, how their parents feel like slaves, how victimized they feel, etc. And sure, some children can be cruel and take things for granted that later in life will work against them--but again, a child (even as they grow into a preteen and teen) is still learning, and they learn FIRST from their guardians.

Anyway... I can go on and on. I have feelings about it, but I don't feel entitled about walking into people's lives and telling them how to live. I would, however, make a line in the sand if someone tried to tell me how to live, and I would feel inclined to speak my mind. I think what children do exist in the world deserve all the love and labor we can give them, and I would never fault them for this existence. And I see no real point in really lecturing a parent who had a child. It's done and over with--energy should be spent on making sure to give their baby the best life it can have.

[kdke]

Also, I can tell I'm super stressed right now. I hate the end of the month since I have to get ready to pay bills and rent, and then trying to get money in order to stay in school, and everything that's been happening for weeks now... it's really wearing me down.

And now I've been doing this thing where I have been berating myself for crying. I always feel so weak and tiring when I cry, even though I know it's perfectly understandable for me to cry. I'm stressed, I keep hitting my limits, and so I cry. It's the body's way to relieve stress. Crying being seen as a weakness is kind of ridiculous, and yet I realize in a way it kind of isn't. I mean... you can know a person's limitations if they start to cry at a certain point, and if those limitations are quick to come around, I suppose it could be some sign of a lack of strength.

The key is, though, that strength can be built upon in different ways. That's what people forget. Making fun of someone and shaming them for crying just instills this idea (for both parties) that the person crying can't be built up. But it's hard because in many ways, we can get stagnant in our progress by our own hands; not because we tell ourselves that we shouldn't try, but because we get stuck in a narrative where we've convinced ourselves that trying isn't going to change us.

This was a cycle my ex was stuck in. She had convinced herself that she had tried everything, and she had tried enough, and nothing could ever work. She had completely exhausted her resources, she told me; she was this freak case that just couldn't budge in her progress, so on and so forth. And I don't think she was being dishonest; I do believe, though, that she was just so exhausted from hitting her limits, didn't know how else to progress, and couldn't tolerate constructive criticism and people's boundaries that the narrative she told herself was the only one she could accept. Because when she did face the truth of why she was stalling, it just made her spiral; she couldn't take it, and I almost wonder if her telling herself that it was hopeless was some form of self-soothing for her. Like, convincing herself that she was right along about being a lost cause was calming--because then she was at least in control of that truth.

I don't believe she was a lost cause if she had been willing to push past her limits and narrative, though. I also don't believe her progress was hopeless because she had so much knowledge that she tried to help me with, which is always hard for us depressed/traumatized people to tell ourselves. With practice, however, it is possible. But it was a practice she wasn't putting into herself and just wanted to put into others. She also had negative perspective about trying to help herself; she always felt like she just had to lie to herself, and this idea that she was just lying to herself all the time brought her down, rather than seeing it as an opportunity to tell herself truths she wasn't used to accepting. Mindset makes a huge difference, and she wasn't willing to step outside of the one she had leaned against for so long.

Unfortunately, my ex was always so defensive about needing to feel like it was hopeless that I feel like it would take something bigger to light a fire under her to make a change. I do understand how hard it is to change a narrative, though; changing my own about my self worth is something I still work on to this day.

But by not giving up for years was I able to get better. So much labor, so much pain, fear, anger, and doubt. But I did it, and even though I still struggle to say that I have worth, I can say that to others, I have a lot of worth and they have good reasons to believe that.

Practice practice practice~

[kdke]

I've realized I really need to start turning my perspectives about life inward for once. I keep seeing this pattern with my writing where I focus in others and think about what they're going through and I feel about it. And that's all well and good... but what about myself? Where do I fall into these points of view? It's something I need to ask more.

Practicing a new narrative will get better with time: I truly believe this moral and have lived through it. I don't think I'm all better; I struggle and have lots of battles. However, something I remind myself of and that I learned from my college counselor--the further I go up in my recovery, I won't fall back down as far as I used to. And it's true. I still cry, I still feel anxious, and things still trigger me; but it hasn't been as bad as it was a year ago. Things have gotten better for me, as I see things more clearly and know myself more. Do I think my progress isn't real at times? Yeah. I do feel that way at times, when I feel depressed and start to question who I am and what I'm capable of. I question things--but I've learned to recognize the inner critic more successfully, so when I start to feel a little better, the inner critic gets to sit down in a chair and get interrogated by me for being such a jerk lol.

Antinatalism: Besides the general philosophy behind this one, I really do believe that it'd be immoral for someone like to me to have a child. Genetics, lifestyle, and just my overall well-being dictate that it would be a super poor idea, so I don't go there. I also look at the world, the things a baby would have to face, the toiling and things that are inevitable... and I just can't put an innocent life through that. At the same time, it's a goal for me to be in a very good place where I can make room for a child who needs a loving home. Whether I just foster or adopt, it's something I'd eventually like to commit part of my life to. And as for the battle parents have to go through when raising a child; I realized that through my writing, I had come across in such a way that I felt could be taken as dismissive of the frustration, fear, and hopelessness many parents feel when raising children. I don't mean to dismiss these experiences. They're real and I think whether a parent chose to be one or not, they should receive all the help they can get. After all, a child needs a good parent to get through, and a parent still needs to feel appreciated. I feel that there are some caveats that come with those words (i.e. a toxic parent doesn't necessarily deserve appreciation from their child) but yeah. I digress.

Toxic behavior and defensiveness: I've had to face my own toxic behaviors when I was 18. I remember that's when it was, because I realized I was in a place where I was hurting the people I loved most. I was projecting a lot of anger at this time (and had been for a while) and was finally seeing its affects in my relationships. I was pretentious, condescending, passive aggressive, and controlling--all the while not understanding nor taking seriously my responsibilities in the world I wanted to be a part of. My mother, in spite of her own toxic behaviors, could barely tolerate me. I had another toxic friend who turned on me. It was a terrible place I was in, and I realized I had to somehow change. Thirteen years later... lol. Regardless, I still struggle with these toxic powers; they dwell in my shadow and try to pop out at certain times--times which I've learned (through my cPTSD diagnosis) are a fight mode. Pete Walker describes a cPTSD fight mode as coming across narcissistic; and in detailing this term, I felt I was reading about myself. Toxic anger and control fed by fear of losing control of one's preferred reality, to sum it up. A nasty outer critic fed by a mean and scared inner critic.

I still have this issue from time to time and it sucks. Makes me feel like a terrible, monstrous person who will never be good. But I truly know, now, that this isn't true. I am good; I know my natural inclinations to care, love, and long for others to be happy. When the world feels like too much, I doubt myself and others, and the more complicated parts of my shadow try to rescue me in the only way they know how. They're not the best ways, and that's something I need to work on and integrate more positively into myself. Defensiveness when it comes to this battle I fight within myself can come on strong, as I don't always like to acknowledge where I could've screwed up.

Strangely enough, some of my hesitation to admit fault comes from being afraid of having my faults used as excuses for other people's toxic choices. This has happened to me before, where someone has said, "I wouldn't have done this toxic thing if you hadn't done that; you messed up first so what I did wasn't that bad." Since my childhood to adulthood, I've had this happen and I'm not sure yet how to defeat it. I suppose it's unavoidable in certain cases. So I will become defensive and while I'm not denying I did anything wrong, I will beat around the bush and not completely admit to anything out of fear of being scapegoated. I wonder if this sometimes comes across as passive aggression, OR EVEN may seem to the other party I am minimizing my own choices. What a precarious balance, ugh. Beyond that, I can become defensive about many things, usually because I react very emotionally to what I might perceive as being dismissed. I don't like it; I want to be heard, and so I defend like crazy, more than I should have to. I need to choose my battles more wisely.

[sanmagic7]

these sound like some wonderful realizations for you, sweetie.  i relate to having to look at my own behaviors, how i've acted, and be brave/strong enough to dive in and find what's at the root of them so i can make a meaningful change.

as far as others using your behaviors as excuses for their own, unh uh, no.  that's not right, not fair, and not true.  their choices are their own, and you are allowed to avoid that trap.   it gets us nowhere, and only continues the neg. narrative of being responsible for what other people do.  we're not, we never were.  whatever anyone else does, it's on them.

i'm glad for you that you're beginning to turn your perspectives toward self.  i think that's of primary importance for recovery and/or healing.  in the end, we are all we have, so if we don't look to ourselves, take care of ourselves from every angle possible, no one else will.    good for you, kdke.

sending love and hugs to you.  i think you're on a really pos. path with this.