kdke's Recovery Journal

Started by kdke, June 21, 2018, 06:16:08 PM

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sanmagic7

i think you've made some extremely valid observations about mark and his outbursts about violence, especially in front of children.  that kind of stuff would be quite upsetting to me as well.  personally, i think mark has issues that need to be addressed by a professional, altho i'd guess that he'd not be too amenable to doing so. 

i think you're in  a little bit of  a rough place, sweetie.  the idea that you already are voicing concerns about if this is someone you want to stay with shows that you're not quite comfy in this relationship for various reasons.  that swing of his from purely passive to purely aggressive speaks to me of childish behavior - black and white thinking about taking action when one's boundaries are crossed.

as adults, we learn how to live in the gray areas, assess the situation, make some analysis of options (like you pointed out about when/how to use violent comebacks), and decide what is the appropriate action to take.  children don't utilize that thought process cuz they often don't have the same set of skills, power, or logic to do so.  they just react.

best to you with this.  i hope you find a way through all this in a way that is safe and sane for you.  sending love and a warm, gentle hug.

kdke

This past weekend was all right. I got up the courage to talk to Mark about what concerned me the weekend before. We had a heart to heart about it and I was super impressed with the fact that he really did see where his reaction in front of his children might've been problematic. I only wish I hadn't been so wordy and afraid of offending him; I kept wanting him to know that I was in no way judging who he was as a person and just overexplaining myself. It's something I feel like I need to learn how to handle better. I feel like I talk too much lol.

But he really listened and he said his piece. He admitted that he's very protective and because of his past, he just goes on the defense and his reactions can be extreme. However, he confessed that he has no desire to expose his family to that and his frustrations are all bark. He knows, too, that expressing those things in front of younger minds is something he knows isn't healthy and wants to work on that. I told him that I truly believe he's a good father who loves his children, how I respect that aspect of him, and just wanted to share my perspective because I don't think he wants to create an environment where he is promoting violence. He is just reacting to old trauma--which is ok to do, peacefully, within the right circle. (Like between me, his brother, and himself. Not in front of the kids.)

I'm still processing my conversation with him, however, because I've been confronting the reality that I have a lot to work on as far as, well... fixing people. I can go into what I call "fixer mode" and really force my standards onto others at times. I do this when I see them suffering or struggling with themselves or life in general. I feel for them and want to help; I want them to feel empowered and happy again, like they can handle anything.  Unfortunately, this can turn into a battle of wills between me and someone else and I can end up really absorbing their issues. I'll burden myself with them and compromise my sense of self, my happiness, in the attempt to fix their life. I end up hurting myself and might accidentally hurt them, too.

I've been thinking over this and realize three things: some people want my perspective, others don't, and others can't tolerate hearing anyone's perspective at all. And I have to be willing to be ok with that. I need to figure out my own resolve within that situation when I come across it. I admit that I don't always know when I'm offering welcome advice or unsolicited; I try to ask if it's ok to offer my perspective, but I feel uncomfortable doing even that because it might make the other person feel pressured to take it. It's very confusing for me because like on this forum, I receive advice all the time when people come onto my journal and read my thoughts and I LOVE that. (Looking at you, San! Thank you so much.) However, I guess that isn't how it is outside of this safe space.

It's kind of a precarious balance, either way. I don't actually want to tell people what to do; I'm always coming in with the intention of, "Hey, here's a perspective that I hope helps you because I see you're really struggling. Have you ever thought about this?" And I don't know if I just need to word it in that manner or if I'm rambling too much, or worried too much about offending the person I'm offering my suggestions to... ugh. I also know I have to keep in mind that if I try my best to communicate my genuine intent, it is not up to me how the other person will respond to it. If they act defensively, I need to learn how to accept that with grace and know they're not in a place to truly hear me--or anyone.

So I think that is a focus I need to remember within my recovery: work on what it means to be a fixer and consider aspects of that which might be problematic for me and other people. I've been very demonizing of this part of me and I am now starting to see how that is toxic. If I want to overcome it, I have to be willing to accept it for what it is. I try to fix people. I try to put standards on them that I think will alleviate their suffering and make them happier. The intention is good; I just need to accept that everyone has their own agency and reciprocate the respect I expect others to give my agency. If someone doesn't want to accept my perspective (only offered when it's agreed that it's welcome), then I need to let it be. Whether that person knows what is truly best for them or not, they are on their own path and will find the answers they believe they need. Like all of us, they might be healthy or unhealthy answers. I don't know. It's their journey, not mine.

Just like I mess up and sometimes think I've found the right way to handle something only to find out I was incorrect, that's how it has to be for everyone. I need to remember that mistakes are just learning experiences: now I know what doesn't work and can try something different. Because at the end of the day, I only want people to be happy and fulfilled. It's what I want for myself, too.

As time goes on, though, I am very thankful regarding my awareness of these challenges. It's immense in comparison to how it was less than two years ago, and even more so beyond that. And even when I get lost in my mishaps, I recover quickly and think, "Oh, let's process this as much as I need to." I'm thankful for everyone who helps me to do this, too. I still get feelings of defense, upset, and confusion, of course--but I've been doing so much better at interrupting them for the sake of improvement. Right now, I'm understanding that in order for me to improve my "fixer mode," I gotta work on my interpersonal relationships and not be afraid to create more boundaries.

I have to be willing to do that even in the face of upsetting someone, too. I tend to attract people who want someone like me to fix their lives and it's very detrimental for me. I have a hard time turning them away, but I need to learn how to draw that proverbial line in the sand. At the end of the day, someone who wants everyone else to fix their problems isn't really ready to progress in life at all. That is a level of awareness I can't help them with, and I have to be ok with acknowledging that.

sanmagic7

dang, kdke, there are quite a few paragraphs which you wrote that i could've written about myself!  having such strong opinions about others' lives and how to fix the, wanting to show them a better way (my way, lol), even including attracting people who want me to 'fix' them.  and i've struggled similarly as you with trying to figure out how to get my 2-cents worth in without rubbing them the wrong way.

i've been working on this for quite a while, still don't have it down pat, but it's better than it was.  one thing that's helped me is saying 'a thought about that just came to me - do you want to hear it?  it's ok if you don't.'  something to that effect.  i've had people say both yes and no to that.   what i've recently found out is that i also have to watch my tone of voice if they say 'no', cuz i've often said a rather clipped 'ok' or 'fine', which they pick up on.  i'm still practicing with that.

anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this.  and i, too, often feel like i talk too much trying to get my point across.  sometimes it's cuz i want to come at the problem from every angle possible.  or i just have so much info to share that i think is relevant.  or i want to make it easier or smoother for the other person.  still, very wordy on my part.

very glad tho that you had a good dialogue with mark.  that's wonderful.

so, thanks for sharing.  it made me smile in knowing i'm not alone with this.  love and hugs, sweetie.

kdke

This weekend was a real trip—metaphorically and literally. I went to Queer I Am 2018 conference and had a great experience, but I also realized I had a lot to process.

I participated in each workshop session, finding workshops that I felt would benefit me most. And they did... in a way that I hadn't thought about before. One of the things I knew, for sure, was that I am a part of the LGBTQ+ community. No doubt about it. However, my challenge ever since I was a kid was for one, coming to terms with that; and then two, understanding what that meant as part of my identity.

Because of how much my identity was reliant on the dictates of the adults that were suppose to take care of me, my sense of self is pretty fragmented. I really don't know who I am without the toxic hold of my childhood guardians. To them, it was most comfortable to have me be straight, and so I just thought I was straight. And when other feelings came up, I just told myself that they were lies and I was just confused. "I'm not bi/gay, I'm just being hormonal and curious." Excuse after excuse. I grew up into a young adult who eventually told herself that her sexuality was evil and that I'd be "serving my god" by either getting married to a man or just being celibate.

Technically speaking—I hated myself and it turned into a LOT of internalized homophobia. That also started to project outward, too. Anyone who wasn't straight was sinning and needed to be corrected. Just a whole bunch of BS. People laugh when I say that if Trump were into politics back in my early to mid twenties, I would've supported him. I'm not kidding. I had that much self-hatred.

I eventually realized how much I loathed myself and knew that I just needed to be OK with who I was, which was bi. Or something. I wasn't sure just yet, but I knew bi explained it best in that moment. But really, I wasn't OK with myself just yet and didn't know why.

This conference helped me to understand why. I've been so closeted for so long due to the trauma and expectations placed on me that I have a hard time accepting my sense of self for what it is. Authenticity, for me, has always meant just letting others decide, allowing others to let me know what is going to be the best outcome. I now know that what feels incredibly selfish is actually the most genuine form of self-love that I NEED right now. I HAVE TO accept the fact that I'm not just bi—I'm queer. I like whomever I'm going to like in the moment: man, woman, trans, and beyond. Right now, I love a cisgender man. Before him, I was with a cisgender woman, and also a transwoman. That all counts. That is how I love, and I'm trying to embrace that so I can be open about it.

I want to be bold about it. I am not just queer, either; I love being femme. The femme part of me was something I knew was intrinsic to my identity before the conference, but apparently the complications that I felt like were attached to that label are real. This kind of reared its head when I was talking in a group about the "right way" to come out. Someone looked at me and said, "You're queer, and you don't like you would be." It really hit a place inside of me that always had the same assumptions about my appearance. I don't "look" queer, but I am queer. But again, that is that part of me that has an issue with relying on others' perceptions of how I should appear and like. I love being feminine, but it goes against many people's (even within the LGBTQ+ community) prejudices of what a queer woman should present herself as.

For years since I've acknowledged that I'm not heterosexual... it's been rough, as rough as it has been to express every other part of myself. I feel like an impostor, some kind of fake, or maybe I just am confused and a joke. The latter, though, I know is not true. It's just the inner critic, the voices form my past that try to keep me repressed. Who am I, really? When I go in deep with that question, I realized how complex and overwhelming that becomes. But I'm happy to go into those places and start playing around. I know my inner child is just waiting to play and figure things out. Put on that dark lipstick; get that undercut; get the piercings and tattoos you've always wanted; put out the literature and movies and hobbies that are weird and obscure and even a little dark but that you love—let the world see it and don't back down.

I can't compromise anymore. I'm not going to go wild about it (mostly for myself; I don't want to shake myself up too much lol), but I am going to start really contemplating this practice towards self-acknowledgment, embracing, and expression. It's my own life now, and I really want to live it.

kdke

I had a rough day yesterday: I found out that my father hadn't been completely honest about a court case he was in and I'm having to heavily process that. Trigger warning: I'm going to be talking about CSA.
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I found out yesterday when I decided to search for him on Google a bit. I do this every once in a while to see where he's at, if he's popping up on social media or not. I ran across some public records and a transcript of a case he was in last February. He was a defendant, fighting against an event in which he touched and kissed a 6-year-old girl. I remember while I was reading it, I started to feel like something was breaking inside of me. I felt panic, confusion, and deep betrayal. I wasn't angry, but I felt so much hurt and loss that I had a meltdown. I was shaking and didn't know what to think. I felt blank and like reality had just kicked me in the stomach—like my father had kicked me in the stomach and threw me a big "eff you" in my direction.

I've been processing a lot of trauma bonding that has developed between me and my dad ever since I was a child. He had molested me several times when I was younger than the girl in the court case. My father... has a way with children. He knows how to traumatize a child without them even realize that's what's happening. He builds a bond, trust, love, and safety. He knows what a child wants and then uses that vulnerability to his advantage so he can act without causing fear and pain. At least that's how it's been with younger children. He molested (possibly raped; my half-sister said so and I believe her. My father basically raped me, too) my half-sister when she was 14 but it was frightening for her. So much of her rage is due to that experience.

It's vile, in any sense. In the case, he tried to blame the girl for it by saying that she had a crush on him and told the judge she wanted love from a man. He tried to argue its innocence but then admitted that he was attracted to her, that he is attracted to girls 12 years old and younger. AND THEN started deflecting about he has this business degree and look how accomplished he is. He also brought religion into it, saying his church supported him. It was one of the church members' daughter he molested and they called the police on him!

The more I mulled that information around in my head, the more nonsensical and ridiculous his defense sounded. It almost sounded like he had finally snapped mentally because his arguments were just... I have no idea how he thought this would work. ANd that business degree? Is that the reason why he's so successful? Oh wait... the guy can barely hold a job, was HOMELESS the last time I talked to him, and my one rich family member can't tolerate him because my dad wouldn't stop pandering. What a great businessman. If only the world knew his genius!

I could barely tolerate being around him when he was more a part of my life. He's defensive, condescending, sarcastic, and full of himself. He was the narc dog that gave me the fleas I've been desperately trying to get rid of. And it makes me wonder if perhaps any attempt he made to support me, to make me feel like what I loved was worth something... if all of that was just some way to keep me quiet. Was it genuine? Did he really care, or was it all just about him?

Trauma bonding doesn't haven't to hurt. That's something I've been learning. I read experiences of it where people talk about terrible instances of abusers hurting them and then turning around to stifle what happened. And yes, that is also trauma bonding, but it doesn't always have to be so blatant. It can be subtle, secret, and seem innocent. It makes my skin crawl. As far as I'm concerned, my father is gone from my life. Good riddance, I don't need that toxicity and darkness anymore. Still... I'm really hurting over this and don't know yet how I'm going to overcome.

sanmagic7

sweetie, i don't have words for this.  i'm so very sorry for such a horrible experience on all levels at various times in your life.  i hope you can take your time processing it all.  do you have a t to help you with it?  above all, i hope you can continue taking care of yourself as best as possible.

trauma bonding - i've never heard those two words together before, but it sounds like the farthest thing from any positive relationship i can imagine.   sending love and earth mother spirit to gather you in, just hold you so you know you're not alone with this in a safe place.     :bighug:

Three Roses

How horrible! I'm actually nauseated after reading about your biological male parent. I hope the judge saw or sees thru his ridiculous defense. What ludicrous statements. Children are NEVER to blame! They are innocent and trusting. Abusers take advantage of that.

If you want it, I'm offering a gentle, safe  :hug: to you.

Deep Blue

Oh my gosh I'm sick to my stomach over all this.  I'm so sorry for all the little yous and the adult you too.  No words of wisdom... just here if you need us  :grouphug:

kdke

#83
San, Roses, and Blue: thanks for checking on me. I'm doing OK and I had my weekly therapy session today. We did talk about it and I broke down again. My therapist, Jesse, asked me a question that challenged me to discuss some details about my CSA that I'm very secretive about. There's a ton of deep and agonizing shame, betrayal, and just pure despair associated with what I haven't even said to the closest people in my life. I went to that place today and it was scary, but I got through it.

Jesse helped me to see how much resilience that takes and put in perspective how much work I'm actually doing to not let those things control who I am. I know she's right but yeah.... I'm still hurting.

She helped me do a containment meditation so I wouldn't be so distressed leaving the session. I tried to share what I went through in a cptsd support group I'm in on Facebook but the post got denied because I used the abbreviation CSA instead of typing out the whole meaning. Because of how stressed I still am, I took it personally and it really upset me. I didn't say anything about how it made me feel but I just accepted it. It's whatever.

Three Roses

Quote... the post got denied because I used the abbreviation CSA...

That seems kind of weird to me. I'm sorry your post was omitted. It's really hard to feel censored, even if you recognize the need for it. I would think they'd rather use the abbreviation...  :Idunno:

kdke

Quote from: Three Roses on November 07, 2018, 09:45:29 PM
Quote... the post got denied because I used the abbreviation CSA...

That seems kind of weird to me. I'm sorry your post was omitted. It's really hard to feel censored, even if you recognize the need for it. I would think they'd rather use the abbreviation...  :Idunno:

From what I understood, there are people in the support group who don't know English very well, so the admins want abbreviations to be spelled out for the of ESL members. While I can appreciate this effort, I feel like it could've been addressed not so harshly considering the fact that I was wanting to post about something very upsetting. I needed support and was reaching out, then got shut down because I forgot a simple rule. I became sensitive to how the admin addressed the issue; I felt embarrassed and like I was being a bit schooled. I had told her I would just journal it elsewhere since I knew that this forum preferred the abbreviation and that's where my mind was.

I also felt badly because it seemed like I was adding to some level of frustration. Like, "Ugh can't she read the rules?" I can... I just forgot. My mind was so much on what happened today that I didn't remember that one little rule. I apologized for it, regardless. I just checked and it looks like the admins approved it, anyway. I can't help but feel a bit irritated, but yeah. I'm just still so hypersensitive to everything today lol.

sanmagic7

after that session, i'[m not surprised you're feeling oversensitive.  i had a similar something happen in an online support group for narc abuse, and i totally took it personally.  i was a newbie, and it felt like the mistake i made was dealt with harshly.  i didn't see any reason for that.  i'm glad your post was finally accepted, but it can leave a bit of a sting behind.

you did some very difficult work, sweetie.  glad you got a containment meditation - those containers can come in handy.  well done.  i hope you can be patient with yourself as your mind processes all of it.  sending love and hugs.

kdke

I'm feeling better today, but it really seems like this speed of progression from the weekend and my session is going to take longer than, well... I assumed it would take. I'm still feeling like I'm easy to upset; my job (I'm a tutor--I feel like a counselor sometimes lol) is bringing up feelings of irritability which sucks because it's really the one job I've had so far in my life that I love. It's brought me a lot of happiness and right now, I have very little patience for the emotional and intellectual labor I have to put in to help my students.

Either way, I know I am getting better. Little steps right now, I guess. I've also forgotten what I wanted to write down because my boyfriend called while I was trying to do this entry. I pushed down my annoyance about it; I hate being interrupted when I'm focused on something. It makes me feel like my time and focus isn't being honored and so I react very angrily as a result. It almost feels like a violation of something extremely personal for me.

I haven't told Mark about why I've been off this week. He asked me on Wednesday if I wanted to talk about what was discussed during my therapy session and I said I wasn't up for it. TBH I really don't want to tell him at all what I discovered during the weekend about my father. Like... ever. There's a part of me that wonders if because he's so low monitoring of how he reacts to certain things that he will verbalize his angry thoughts about my father's actions. I can't tolerate hearing that kind of reaction right now. I don't think it's helpful and it really does nothing to make the situation seem better. In fact, it just feeds into the darkness of it, and I don't want to enable that by telling Mark squat about it.

After all, my mind fed into it enough when I had a nightmare Monday night about my CSA. It was... awful, as it usually is. Always intense, exaggerated, horrible, uncomfortable, and ruined the rest of my day. I woke up not remembering it at first, but when I did, my brain kept revisiting it. It's so painful. How does my subconscious know how to tap into the shame and the horror of those memories, those emotions, in so many different ways? And so much of the mortification I have in those dreams is towards myself. It's like... this weird drugged state at the beginning of every dream about the CSA, like I'm not aware that what's happening is terrible. It's like I can't even think and I'm numb, like I'm in a trance. And then I'm suddenly super aware of everything and horrified, trying to get away and make everything stop. Every time, and every time, I'm just filled with self-shame. Like, "Why did you let this happen? What are we doing?" I don't know what to make of it just yet.

kdke

So I've mentioned Grace before in my journal in regards to a past conflict she was involved in with our instructor. Well, today I had a very negative interaction with her--it didn't have to do with that said conflict but it really shook me.

I'm a tutor and Grace comes into my workplace (along with the students I tutor) because I'm happy to help her with her schoolwork like anyone else I help. A lot of the work she's doing are courses that I'm familiar with because we were in the same degree program, and some of it is just prerequisite classes for degree completion (English, math, and so on). It's no big deal; in fact, I help her a lot more than my other students because I still do consider Grace a friend.

She came into the center today with a project she was making for her math class: a little poster board about a famous mathematician. She wanted my help putting it together, like offering my ideas and such. Grace felt really insecure about it and so I was mostly there for moral support--just a part of the job lol. Anyway, she wasn't wanting to write on it and asked if I would. I knew I didn't want to because I felt like that would be doing some of the work for her when it's her responsibility, not mine. I suggested that if she felt like she couldn't write on it, maybe she could type it and then glue the titles and such on the board.

Grace liked that idea and I felt OK doing the titles to show her what I meant. Unfortunately, I guess this gave her the impression that I would do all the typing for her; she gave me papers that had info about the mathematician and wanted me to type that down, too. I sometimes have a hard time speaking up in the moment when I feel uncomfortable and so I just kind of nodded at first and started a new document. As I was starting to type everything, I stopped myself and thought, "This isn't OK. You know you don't feel comfortable doing this and it's not fair to you. This isn't what you stand for as a tutor on the job."

I brought Grace back over and said, "I'm happy to help you and I saved the titles and such on your flash drive. The rest of this, though, I feel like you're capable of doing on your own."

It was like a switch flipped on in Grace and she was immediately angry with me. She started telling me how she would just do it all on her own and then accused me of never helping her like I help the other students, how I never tell any of them what I just told her. It was all completely untrue but I thought about it later and realized she was not in a rational headspace. It didn't matter what the truth was--she felt victimized by me and therefore anything I could do or have done was bad.

I tried to defend myself a little but then kind of stopped myself from going further with her. I knew there was no point having that kind of conversation with Grace when she had already decided I was wrong and was against her. She kept accusing me of things and painting this picture of me that never helped her--a blatant lie. I play favorites with her A LOT. It's honestly something I'm hyperaware of most days and I've just never known how to fix it. She really doesn't like sharing my time as a tutor with others. She might think I don't notice the scowl she makes when I'm having to go back and forth with her and someone else (I'm the only tutor on my campus), but I do. She's obvious.

Beyond the accusations, she started becoming very passive aggressive and acting a victim right in front of me. "That's fine--I'll rely on the LORD to help me! *grumble grumble* Thank you, GOD, for helping me. I don't need this..." Internally, I was really appalled and disappointed by her reaction. She was literally having a tantrum and treating me like trash. It's like our friendship meant nothing.

I said, "Ok, Grace," and turned away. She left the center for a moment and I went to one of the instructors I share the center with. She's a counselor and had her office door open when all of this happened, and she was really shocked by how Grace reacted to me. But she also felt like I wasn't out of place for telling Grace I wasn't going to do the typing for her and thought it appropriate. I was shaking because setting boundaries is really scary for me; I'm used to just... kind of letting people cross lines and bearing it.

I stayed in the center for another half hour and then finally left. I told Grace that I was heading home early and left it at that. I didn't feel comfortable sharing my space with her and I needed a breather. I'm really hurt by how she treated me and completely disrespected my boundaries. Her stress isn't an excuse to treat me, someone she's called FAMILY, like crap because I said no.

Three Roses

I'm so sorry you were treated that way! It was totally uncalled for. It sounds as if she was trying to manipulate you into doing it for her. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself! You are worthy of having your boundaries respected.  :hug: