kdke's Recovery Journal

[kdke]

There was something that came up yesterday that really bothered me, and I realize that this was a good opportunity to do some "shadow work."

I decided I was ready to start talking to Hannah, one of my ex-roommates. Hannah and I have gotten along for the most part (sort of; we have had our issues), whereas I and her wife (Emily) refuse to interact. Too much bad history. But with Hannah, I've always felt fond of her and try to uphold some friendship between us, even if it has some very solid boundaries.

Well, Hannah is polyamorous, and I was in a relationship with her and Emily when we roomed together. It was a super bad idea to say the least lol. It was just a terribly poor choice as none of us were in a place to take on that kind of dynamic; heck, they can barely handle their relationship. It should've been obvious to us. Anyway, besides all that--Hannah and I were just asking each other how the other was doing, and she started to talk about spending time with her new partners. Two new partners besides her wife.

This really bothered me; I felt so annoyed about, but I kept it to myself and told her that I hope things get better with time and effort. Later, I was trying hard to figure out what bothered me so much about it and try to put names to the feelings swarming around in my head.

The first emotion was definitely annoyance because I have issues with why Hannah is polyamorous. She has openly admitted that because she fails to overcome her own issues and love herself, she tries to have as many people to love her as she can possibly get. I wish I was exaggerating. She's very keen on collecting as many partners as she can to surround her, and she likes the feeling of having many admirers. I guess it drowns out the negative feelings she has when she is forced to deal with just herself (and this was also confirmed by her at times). She'd rather focus on others and the rose-colored feelings that come with new romantic experiences. I've seen and experienced this all firsthand, being a new lover and then watching her gather more beyond me over time. Her wife, Emily, has watched it for even longer.

So there is why I feel annoyance, but there's definitely more to it. In all of that, I also see feelings of hurt. I felt very hurt by her, knowing that I wasn't enough as a second partner, that she just needed more and more to satiate a void she could never fill. In a way, my benefit wasn't her genuine concern--it was simply to have one more person to fawn over her and make her feel like she was the amazing person she couldn't convince herself of. That and she would twist my own life goals and desires in such a way that she would take credit for them. She wanted me to be happy and live out my dreams, but only because it was what she wanted for herself so she figured she could just live through me vicariously. Nothing was ever my own. And I can go around in circles about that doozy lol.

There was also a lot of hurt around the fact that I was with someone who could never fully commit to me, but I was expected to fully commit to her. I know this to be the case because when I found interest in someone new, she couldn't handle it. Suddenly, I was neglecting everyone, I should know better, I needed to fix it, and so on. She was always a victim, and if I felt victimized, well... it was just all in my head and I should get over it.

I guess in that way, I feel like I was judged unfairly. The relationship dynamics between Hannah and Emily were so wonky and had no real stability that I could never really understand where my place was. However, they made excuses and exceptions for each other all the time.

There is resentment attached, too, in that I thought I could trust her and Emily to know how to be in a poly relationship. They failed and I failed, too, but I was ultimately blamed for the chaos. It was my fault their relationships suffered, my expectations that made things difficult.

I think I also feel a lot of anger at how Hannah treated me as though I was her therapy client, and how she had this toxic POV of those she got together with; there always had to be a "mentor" and a "mentee" in her mind. Ugh, I couldn't stand the way she was like that, and still is! She finds self-importance by actively setting up what she has literally called "counseling sessions" with people who are in terrible places in their lives. Granted, we all need someone to lean on and I can admit that Hannah can be a good person to do that with. At the same time, her going through the effort to use those terms and even tell people that she is a counselor "just without the degree" really makes my skin crawl. I'm so disappointed that she would have that level of audacity, and I'm insulted for the people that she takes under her wing. But at the same time... I can't really speak for those people, because maybe Hannah gave them something they really needed. I have no idea. I just know what Hannah has told me firsthand, which is enough to make me angry.

At the base of all of this, I know there is a feeling of fear. Hannah is someone that makes choices and has perspectives that feel very presumptuous, narcissistic, and chaotic to me, and so this makes me feel out of control. A lot of these choices and perspectives were projected onto me many times over and so they have an even stronger, more visceral effect. Because my cPTSD manifests as a fight mode (but I have fawned and still do; it's bad), I was very critical of and tried to control her. What she was doing made me very uncomfortable and scared, so I had to fix it to feel stable again. But because I couldn't, my foundation with her became precarious.

That is ultimately my mistake, and I wish I had known the origins of why I did what I did to Hannah. Regardless of her choices that I still really dislike, she is her own person and it's not my place to control her. She has to learn to control herself, which also bothers me because I know she's incapable of that.

My shadow sees Hannah in a strange light: she feels a lasting tenderness for Hannah, but there's also frustration, discomfort, and resentment attached to it. As well, my desire to critique and fix Hannah isn't just for my own sake, but because I see someone who is floundering, going through the same vicious cycle over and over again. That also makes me uncomfortable because I want to help.

I think what also bothers me about this whole situation, too, is that my shadow is projecting something onto Hannah that I need to address. Hannah and I are not unlike in not understanding relationships very well. My first, truly commited relationship was with her and Emily, and it sucked lol. I had convinced myself, years before that, that I wasn't meant for relationships. I felt so broken and hopeless that I believed my longing to be loved was futile. It would never work out for me. I went into this toxic dynamic with Emily and Hannah thinking I was in a good enough place--and that they were in a good enough place--when none of us were. I couldn't handle it; I had so many unaddressed fears and ideas about relationships that it just blew up in my face.

Another thing that I think really bothers me is that Hannah and I tend to jump into relationships very, very quickly. We can go from a 1 to a 9000 with people, and it's not exactly the best thing in the world lol. It leaves little room to really get to know someone and all their flaws. We can't always tell the difference between infatuation and love, and we sometimes hope for that new relationship experience (NRE) to last. We think it's reality and it means we've found the one.

What a terrible mistake, right? I did this with my last ex, Lynn (she was with Hannah first, and then came to know me and we got together; it was a mess), and it was a disaster. With Mark, I decided I'd be more careful, but I always beat myself for how quickly we moved from dating to being in a relationship. It makes me uncomfortable with myself, as though I made a huge mistake (even it was what he wanted, too). I love Mark, and I really do think he's a catch--I just worry that I'm just repeating cycles that I want to break.

I have no idea how to have a "healthy" relationship. I'm still trying to build up boundaries and keep them, and also respect other people's boundaries, too. Like with Mark, I struggled so hard with not being a more cemented part of his familial dynamic for a long time. I've reconciled with those feelings for the most part, as I realized that it his boundary and it's a place that I need to earn. I'm not entitled to it right off the bat. I believe that these feelings are based in fears of unstable relationships and abandonment. Even though at this point, the abandonment fears are not as powerful as they used to be. It won't be the end of my world if Mark decided to that he didn't want to be with me anymore. It would obviously hurt a ton, but I can move on and not feel like I'm helpless without him.

I can also admit that my desire to be placed in such a cemented part of Mark's life has some roots in codependency. I was so codependent on my mother for all our years living together that it's a battle for me to look beyond that kind of relationship. However, it's also always been a goal of mine to be independent (sometimes to a fault lol), and I wish to stick to that. Mark has talked about me eventually moving in with him by next summer, but part of me kind of squirms about it lol. I want to be free for once! I've never truly lived on my own, without the help of anyone. I just want to experience that one day, at least for a year or something.

And you know... I'm realizing, too, that there is another layer to what made my conversation with Hannah so uncomfortable: she is very codependent (emotionally, financially, and physically) on her partners, especially Emily. This has always bothered me, and I know it's my shadow self showing me my own fears of becoming that same person. Again, there are feelings of wanting to fix Hannah to make myself feel better about it, but I understand better that it's something that I need to resolve in myself.

Hannah is her own person, and she is going to make her own choices, whether I like them or not. And I suppose if they bother me too much, I can just walk away from the friendship entirely. For now, I don't see much reason for that, other than keeping my conversations with her very basic and limited. But I feel better now that I've come to understand where my negative feelings are coming from.

[kdke]

I had a very tearful session with my college counselor today. I really admire Aiden for everything that she's done for me. I connect with her so well since we both have a deep appreciation for Jungian concepts of the self and shadow self, and I'm able to go very deep into memories and reasons behind my anxieties--layer upon layer--and she just gets it lol.

Today, I talked about my last journal entry a bit, and about why I felt so annoyed by what Hannah told me. I wish I can remember exactly what was said in my session; there was this super vital part where I was talking and then Aiden said, "This sounds very similar to internalized homophobia."

It kind of took me back a little, not because I was offended, but because I just hadn't made that connection, really. I think I was talking about like... feeling greatly misunderstood during grade school, always feeling like a failure, and then the harsh criticism I projected onto others because I was feeling so out of control with myself. I was trying so hard to fix myself. Yeah... I think that's what I was talking about. (Maybe my brain is just filling in the blanks, but it definitely was a topic brought up by me.)

Anyway, I said, "Yeah. No, totally. I had a lot of internalized homophobia," and explained to her (even though I know she's heard it before from me, but that's all a part of the recovery process is sometimes revisiting stuff lol) how after my three-year period of CSA through my mother, I became incredibly conservative and religious. I was walking around, covered head to toe (yep, I did head coverings; not as a Muslim, but a Christian), and went into this cycle of deep, endless self-loathing. I was a religious person that hated herself, knew she would never be good enough by her god's standards, but believed if she gave up trying in spite of it being hopeless, she would go to *.

So I kept beating that dead horse, trying to make myself more pious, holier, more righteous, and perfect... and I just kept failing. I felt there was no hope for me. I was doomed to fail, doomed to burn, doomed to be separated from any form of joy and contentment and love that my community told me I could have if I tried to live up to expectations that I was also told I could never truly achieve. My pain, suffering, and hopelessness never stopped; it made a pit inside of me that grew deeper and darker. After a while, I had convinced myself that because I was done for... what was the point in trying anymore? If I was fated to burn, why live? It was pointless.

My counselor described it as despair.

I eventually ended that cycle because I didn't truly want to die; I wanted to be happy, and I couldn't be happy if I was dead. I needed to survive, so I stepped away from my religious community and did my best to take care of myself.

That was a rough time. It hurts to go back there, but I have to be willing to go back there to understand who I am and what will always be a part of me.

The session kept going and kind of shifted into me talking about my encounter with my great uncle. That topic really got me crying as it was something that really hit close to home with how my parents treated me. It took me to a place in my life where I felt like my self was being slowly destroyed, that I was expected to be a reflection for my parents' egos. I felt like a slave, and I felt anything that I loved, that made me happy and feel complete--it was all game and could be destroyed at the whims of my parents.

At the end of it all, (and when I had calmed down enough from full-on sobbing lol) I said, "I realize now that this is true shadow work."

Aiden exclaimed, "Yes!" lol

I had romanticized shadow work a lot when I first started learning about it. Of course, now that I'm more in sync with my therapy and what I need to be willing to talk about, I understand now that shadow work is a process that is vast and dark. It feels like being faced with an opening that is so dark and spacious that it makes you feel like it'll swallow you whole if you take a step inside. If you're not prepared for what is waiting in the depths for you, that is. Inside, there are feelings, visions, and whispers that remind you of parts of yourself that you secretly hope will fade away. They won't.

Things that I loved are also in that place, things that feel hollow and riddled with rust and mold. Abandoned, left behind, and lost. I want to restore them and make them mine again, but they're not the same. I let them turn to trash because I was told they were trash. Now I have to hold these things that I want to love, that made me happy, that made me myself, and feel a betrayal that I and my parents created. A calcification of experiences that refuse to erode, but that corrode me with their stories.

As I get better--stronger--the deeper I go into this space and experience a suffering that I've honestly not experienced before at this level. It attempts to engulf me more than I thought it would, but not in a way that makes me feel helpless against it. Rather, it's like looking at a reflection of myself and watching it wail as hard as it can. That primal scream that shakes everything and sucks everything in while filling the world with its raw, sharp agony. I hurt for it, but I have to witness it until its end. I can't dare to look away anymore. It needs me.

Beyond all of this, I was able to sit through a video that talked about struggling with inauthenticity and its relation to enmeshment trauma. The woman who made the video described someone just like me, and I've been kind of churning the video over in my head since I watched it. A light bulb went on, and I realized that there was yet another layer to what makes me so uncomfortable about Hannah. Her level of codependency and desire to live vicariously through others is a behavior I dread inside of myself. Because to be that way is to live in a mode where my enmeshment trauma still controls my sense of self. I can never be myself--I would always allows others to destroy and absorb who I was. I would constantly fawn, and be exhausted trying to be this facade I thought others needed me to be, whom I thought I needed to be in order to fit in the world.

It's really exhausting, trying to overcome enmeshment trauma. Especially living within it.

[kdke]

I had a talk with Mark last night; I wanted him to know that my counseling session triggered what felt like a depressive episode, and I didn't know how I was going to feel during the weekend.

However, I was able to identify a whole bunch of things that have been piling up and causing me stress, so I know it wasn't just the session. I think in a way, it was just the final straw on the camel's back. I'm feeling better today, but last night, I felt like a mess.

My sensitivity levels were high and I would cry at the drop of a hat. I didn't feel like a bad person for anything I talked about yesterday; rather, I just felt incredibly drained and heartbroken. Shadow work will wreck ya lol.

The end of the month is always stressful for me because I have to think about bills and rent. I hate dealing with money, but I also hate that I don't even make enough to survive solely on my own. My job pays 15/hour, but I only work eight hours a week. The majority of my money comes from grants, loans, and with the help of my best friend's parents every month. They consider me a daughter, and so they help without question. I'm very fortunate to have them and know they love me that much.

Then with getting triggered by my short talk with Hannah, and then my counseling, AND THEN add in the fact that my hormones are shifting due to menses--I'm shot lol. I remember before I started therapy, everyone was convinced I had PMDD; the two weeks prior to menstruation, my emotions were intense and uncontrollable. My depression would become so severe, that I would have suicidal thoughts and even become catatonic. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in a long time, and it was due to both external factors and poor coping skills--both of which have improved a lot. I don't have PMDD. I have cPTSD and just good ol' PMS lol.

Anyway, I was telling Mark that I felt really low, and he was very understanding. He encouraged me to be all right with not coming over for the weekend if that's what I needed. I told him I'd think about it. I love being at Mark's place, but he is right in that it can be stressful at his place; with his kids and how young they are, there's always something to diffuse, there's always a child having an issue. It is what it is. I definitely need to consider if whether I can tolerate that this weekend or just give myself a breather.

At the same time, as I was explaining a little bit of how I felt, I noticed Mark getting mildly defensive. Sometimes he does this behavior where he'll try to dismiss and issue by saying something like, "Yeah, ok. Ok. I get it." Or if he makes a joke, he immediately becomes defensive as though I'm offended--even though I'm not. He'll say, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" It'll confuse me and even kind of irritate me, because I feel like he's just assuming my feelings. I don't even get a chance to tell him how I really feel, which is not offended at all. I honestly like his humor. I had a talk with him about it, saying that it really seemed like he must've had very defensive partners in the past. He said I was spot on and now he has a hard time not being defensive himself about certain things.

Either way, I think Mark is just a very defensive person to begin with and sometimes interprets people's opinions as attacks against his character. I've seen this happen a lot between him and his ex-fiance (the mother of the munchkins; she's a very nice woman and an awesome mom). She's more defensive than he is, and they'll feed each other lol. I'm preparing myself for the reality that I will more than likely have to talk to Mark about it. I don't want it to become a barrier and issue for us, especially when I know that a lot of my discomfort with his defensive behavior is because I don't like how I can be defensive, too.

I guess that's what helps me empathize with him and know he's just not being a jerk. I don't doubt he's had to defend himself against petty adults when he was younger and against others his age who had equally fragile egos. It happens, and I don't necessarily thinks it's a testament of who someone is. Rather, I believe it's just a testament of their lack of emotional maturity--which is a good thing because that can be built up with time and labor!

But yeah... I have a feeling that Mark might've also been bullied. Victims of bullies can have very strong defense mechanisms that create a narrative that everyone will eventually be out to get them. It doesn't come from nowhere; it's because at some point in that person's life, someone else really was out to get them all the time.

[Sceal]

Hi,

I just wanted to drop in and say that it sounds as if you've been working really hard lately. Been very good at analyzing your own actions and emotions. I've found that once I start identifying the emotions that I'm having, and why I got them that the strength and intensity of the emotions lessen somewhat and becomes easier to deal with, or sit with.

It also sounds good to take a week-end "off", to relax and do some self-care, if that is what you need. Perhaps more impressions, sounds and having to deal with children might be counter-productive to your own healing after so much work, sometimes it is better to wait a few days and let things sit with you before you jump back into the pool. But it's also good that you have a place to go to that you love.

communication is so important in a relationship, well - any relationship with people really. And the willingness to have such a conversation with Mark is wonderful. I hope he'll be receptive once you talk it over - if you choose to do so.

Wish you a wonderful week-end!

[kdke]

I think I've finally figured out a behavior I have!

I've wondered why for so long. When I get into a relationship, it'll be good for the first few months, and then something switches for me. I start to feel very overwhelmed; I've used the word "stifled" to describe it. I'll want to be alone all the time, and will begin to feel very detached, almost like I don't love my partner anymore. It's like it becomes too much and I shut down, then my brain makes up reasons to rationalize why it's happening. And usually, my partner will feel frustrated by my isolationist behavior. I think back to Lynn and she felt when I kept "needing my space." That situation wasn't unique to our relationship. I've done it before plenty of times.

But I think I know now WHY. It's because I lack a sense of self, and because of my enmeshment trauma.

This idea was sparked after watching a video I mentioned before, regarding enmeshment trauma. And at first, it made sense to me in some ways, and I could relate it to my own situation--but not so direct like this for some reason.

Because of the enmeshment my mother put me through, the only way I know how to handle social interaction with anyone is by allowing myself to be absorbed by the other personality. It's involuntary; I'm suddenly a person I think they need me to be, every time I interact with them. How friggin' exhausting is that?

And it's true! The only reason I isolate myself--every time--is because it's the only time I feel like I can just be me. I don't have to please anyone, I don't have to entertain. Oh my god... like, seriously: I'm having such a revelation right now. I've always felt so stifled in relationships and have used that reason. "I feel like I'm having to entertain, that I have to always be interesting." Omg it all makes so much sense now...

I could never be myself, and doing that day in, day out--no wonder I wanted to run away! No wonder I eventually was like, "Screw this, I'm out," and just completely detached myself.

Sure, I can look at partners like Lynn and then my first boyfriend and see two people who were very demanding of my time regardless. They were codependent and didn't always understand boundaries. At the end of the day, I allowed others to overstep my boundaries, and I let myself be absorbed. I lost myself in every single relationship I've had, to the person I was with.

Wow... I've never been able to really understand it all so cohesively before. Now I do, and now I know what steps I actually need to take.

[kdke]

Sceal, thanks so much for visiting~

I appreciate your insight and you're right: I did have a conversation with Mark last night, and I told him I had to just stay home this weekend. I still felt so drained and down. He understood, but I could tell it broke his heart a little. However, he did nothing to guilt me for my choice. He only reassured me that it was a right choice! He's awesome lol.

Next weekend, he and I will be celebrating three months being together. We decided to focus on that and be excited about it. I let him know that he is genuinely one of the best things that has happened to me lately, and I love him very much. He appreciated that (and tried not to cry lol). It was a good talk.

[Kalmer]

Heya Kdke, which videos have you been watching? I recently saw a Spartan life coach video on counter-dependency which taught me a lot about myself.

[kdke]

Heya Kdke, which videos have you been watching? I recently saw a Spartan life coach video on counter-dependency which taught me a lot about myself.

I like Teal Swan's videos. I don't watch them all because they can sometimes deal with topics I don't totally agree with, but some of them are treasure!

The video I watched was called something like, "Enjoy being by yourself? You're being inauthentic." I remember being intrigued and wondering if it was going to involve some controversial lecture lol. But wow, does she make some amazing insights to why so many of us crave isolation all the time! It was something I really needed to hear.

[kdke]

I've been quiet all weekend since it's been hot and miserable over here. I went to Grace's place, though, to do some studying and just get out of my apartment for a while.

I'm not doing well with my stress levels. I know I'm not because I've been dissociating; just letting myself wander into doing other things, and completely escaping from my responsibilities. I feel very overwhelmed, and again--I did it to myself.

A lot of these overwhelming feelings have to do with my hormones. I hate being more stressed out when I'm PMSing, because it gets super intense. The last few days have been riddled with old thoughts that I wish had disappeared a long time ago; thoughts of hurting myself, or just thinking, "Why not give up?" They're startling now because they feel like a place that I left behind for good. But I guess not.

I haven't hurt myself, even though the thoughts are there. I don't really have a desire to do anything because I know now that I can deal with things in better ways. I guess it's all just... residual or something. I'm able to fight it, but clumsily. I can't screw myself over again. I hate these cycles that keep popping up; my escapes are so self-sabotaging. I should've gotten stuff done today, but instead I allowed myself to space out and watch however many episodes of Grey's Anatomy that I could tolerate before I went to Youtube, and then back the Netflix, and now why not Facebook. Over and over...

ANYTHING ELSE but what I needed to do so tomorrow won't be so stressful. But that's my dissociation for you.

But now the day is done. It's past midnight and I need my sleep.

Beyond that, though... I've just been trying to figure out how to keep my cool and take care of myself so things won't get out of hand. If I feel anything about my life, it's just wishing most days that I lived on a different planet with different responsibilities. Ones that aren't so debilitating lol. Modern life sucks.

[kdke]

I'm feeling much better today. I think the heat, PMS (finally done with that, but now in my moon sickness blugh), and just being stressed and drained really did a number on my emotions. I mean, I still feel stressed but not as much today.

I was able to make myself focus super hard today, too! I got everything that needed to finish at a good time, enough time to allow me to rest and recuperate. I got more stuff to do tomorrow, but I feel a bit more confident about everything.

The only thing really frustrated me about my assignments today was one of my books. It doesn't really talk about certain steps you have to take; instead, you have to rely heavily on the pictures in the book, which can be a serious pain if you don't know what to look for. Either way, I did what I needed to do and I'm walking away until tomorrow lol.

My thoughts feel very obscured and simple right now. I don't think it's really a bad thing, but yeah.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're feeling better, kdke, and getting done what you wanted to do.

in dealing with the heat, may i suggest electrolytes?  i lived in the desert 16 yrs., summers were brutal, and i found out about electrolytes, how we lose too many of them in the heat.  during those hot stretches, i was drinking them every day.  they help keep you feeling balanced, clear-minded, and focused.  just a thought.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[kdke]

glad you're feeling better, kdke, and getting done what you wanted to do.

in dealing with the heat, may i suggest electrolytes?  i lived in the desert 16 yrs., summers were brutal, and i found out about electrolytes, how we lose too many of them in the heat.  during those hot stretches, i was drinking them every day.  they help keep you feeling balanced, clear-minded, and focused.  just a thought.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.

Thanks for the advice, San. I've been trying to make it a part of my daily intake to make a banana cucumber smoothie--a good fruit and veggie mix for electrolytes. It's cheap and easy to make. I cut up the bananas and freeze them so they're nice and cold when I blend everything up. It helps a lot.

I'm also just overall fatigued because of my lady issues lol. In pain and every move tires me out, oi. Thanks for checking on me. 

[kdke]

I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed that a woman was being chased by someone dressed like a ghost. You know, when you take a sheet, cut out holes for the eyes, and then drape it over your whole body? Just like that.

She was being chased by a ghost person, but this person was trying to kill her. They had a knife (killers in my dreams really like knives) and she kept running. Eventually, though, she was able to trick the ghost person and tackled them to the ground. I remember this part the best: I could hear the ghost person breathing hard, as though they were more scared than the woman had ever been the whole time.

When the sheet was slowly pulled away, the woman found something strange: it was her own face hiding under the sheet, with the knife. Her doppelganger started to plea for her life, and the woman just tried to hush her, calm her down. I woke up.

I've been thinking about it all day, trying to understand what kind of weird, silly ghost/horror story my subconscious decided to show me. I know that many people don't take their dreams very seriously; theories about how dreams are just a dumpster full of leftovers from the day and even days before sleep. I do believe that, in a way. I've had dreams where I've woken up and thought, "I need to take a break from Game of Thrones."

At the same time, the subconscious can also only communicate with us through what we choose to feed it--so why not through Game of Thrones if you decided to watch six seasons in a week? That's the only language you gave it. I'm not sure exactly why my subconscious chose some childhood Halloween outfit mixed with murderous intents (I did watch It last week), but I think everything in context was an interesting message.

It kind of reminds me of this article I read on The Neverending Story. It talked about the Magic Mirror Gate. The article got it right in that, as a child, I didn't understand why a mirror was so frightening. What was so scary about looking at one's self? I'm me--unless there was just a monster on the other side. But even then, the monster wasn't me.

As an adult, the Magic Mirror Gate holds a greater, more terrifying purpose: it shows the Shadow.

I understand now, why most men, as Engywok told Atreyu, would run away "screaming!" Who wouldn't? Isn't that what we do as adults faced with our shadows? Isn't that what we try to do our whole lives?

More interestingly... doesn't that say something very special about children? Untainted by the world, they're still whole. Their shadow is integrated into their personalities. There's nothing to fear when you're exactly who you're meant to be. Atreyu had been traumatized enough that the Magic Mirror Gate affected him and was frightening, but not as much as it probably would've if he was older. He was more confused about seeing Sebastion on the other side, and vice versa.

In my dream, the woman pulled off the stupid ghost sheet and saw her shadow. The shadow, encompassing the woman's inner child and rage, only was doing what it was fed to do. So when the veil was taken, they faced each other and the shadow begs to not be killed. To not be forgotten. She begs to live and be forgiven by the only person who can grant her those things.

I wonder... if the people who faced the Magic Mirror Gate saw the same thing. I wonder if they were faced with an image of themselves, an image that reflected their hidden and dark desires and thoughts, that begged them for mercy. Pleaded for acceptance and love, for patience and time for their person to just get used to them--they'd make things better if they just had a chance. "You can't survive without me!" It might've said. (It would be correct.) I wonder if being faced with that desperation along with the horror of all things we wished would just fade away was too much. They just had to run away, it was so overwhelming.

Just a thought. Darkness needs love, too. I don't believe our shadow selves really want to die--why would they fight so hard to come out if they wanted to? Why would they pop up in our dreams and do things we sometimes could only dare ourselves to do?

Anyway... I almost wonder if my shadow self is becoming bolder about communicating her needs with me. I've never dreamed of that kind of energy in such a vulnerable, childlike way. Even with the knife--it was just too easy to overcome. It's definitely something to think about.

[kdke]

One of the things I was told as a child is to stop having pity parties. No one really wanted to hear about how much I hurt in whatever way I could hurt. It was annoying, there was no sympathy for me. Not unless my parents could directly relate to it--beyond that, SOL.

Now, I have as many pity parties as I friggin' want to lol.

I have to because for so long, I had to swallow down my own pain to make others more comfortable around me. I would let it out once in a while when I truly hit my limits, but for the most part, if it upset someone else then I could just pretend I was overreacting and all was well. I was a good liar in that way; I lied to try to make myself more tolerable, more likable. I thought I had to in order to survive. No one taught me I could just be myself. Far from it--I was constantly reminded that being myself was not preferred not just by my parents but by peers, too. So I lied.

And when I got caught in a lie? Well... why couldn't I just tell the truth? What was wrong with me? Everyone liked me less for lying. I could never really win. It wasn't until I met my best friend Allie and her family that I finally felt safe to just be me.

It wasn't until these days, the years after my mother's death, that I've finally been able to understand why I could never please anyone when I was younger. So now, I pity that little child and see that there was nothing she could really do to make anyone happy; and if she had done her hardest to please others, she would've lost herself, been absorbed into the existence of everyone dictating to her what she should be. Either way, she would've lost. Her sense of self would've been violated in either direction, never honored. And so I grieve for her, and I try to fix it.

I'm having to re-parent myself and fix the mistakes my parents made. I understand now why they didn't want to help me; because the reality of knowing all the mistakes they've made against me since the very beginning counted, and they all continued to affect me as the years went on. That level of responsibility must've been frightening to them, and so they just wanted to focus on the present and attempt to separate their mistakes from everything "wrong" about me. It wasn't a reflection of them as parents (let alone people) that I was a bad kid, they thought. And if it was, like I said, their ego couldn't handle that truth. They didn't want to accept that they had failed me to some level, that they were at fault first and foremost as parents. They wanted to be the victims and make me the prepetrator.

There were certain things that I could've done better as a kid, too. I didn't have very much discipline for anything, except for my escapes (art and internet). I procrastinated a lot and tried to avoid doing many things that I could've easily done. I think I was so preoccupied with wanting to escape my own life that I couldn't make room for anything else. It wasn't a very good coping mechanism, and it was obviously very misunderstood. It was just seen as laziness, disobedience, inconvenient, irritating, and punishable by nature. I had no one to look into my life and ask, "What happened?" It was always just, "What's wrong with you?"

Again... everyone wanted to focus on the present and pretend the past doesn't count. It always counts.

I think that's one of the reasons why I sometimes become frustrated with my current therapist. I'm grateful she is helping me with trauma therapy, but sometimes I feel a bit shut down by her. She told me last Friday, "You're always in the past or in the future." Which is very true; sometimes, though, I need to get it out of my system in order to move forward with my present self, and she doesn't really want to do that unless it directly involves EMDR. At the same time, I know that her wanting me to learn to be more present is important. My mind likes to wander and always be anywhere else but here and now.

I guess a part of me is afraid that her goal is to have me just live constantly in the present and to completely put my past behind me, as though none of it matters anymore--which now that I've written that down sounds kind of silly lol. I know that's not what she means at all. I'm wondering if my fear is based in being pushed out of a comfort zone, since I'm so used to just analyzing my past all the time. Now I'm being asked to move forward and let any thoughts focused on the past just wash away for a period of time. It's hard, and kind of anxiety-inducing. Makes me feel unstable like I'm going to implode and lose myself. Weird...

I asked her about my writing, about whether I could use that as a form of mindfulness. She didn't exactly agree that it was and encouraged me to start drawing again--you have to be present doing that (not exactly), right? But with writing, I'm just in my head. She said I need to learn how to turn my focus outward somehow. Like when I go for my walks; instead of getting lost in thought, I should focus on the sounds, sights, and smells surrounding me. Notice the details and just be curious about everything.

Maybe I can start learning how to sktech and draw things around me instead of what just manifests in my head. I'm not very good at just appreciating my environment since once I think I've figured something out, I get bored of it and move on to something else. LOL like a child. Oh dear.

Anyway, I wanted to focus briefly on something else. I've remembered two dreams I've had that took place on different days. The first one took place on a day I can no longer remember; in my dream, I was fighting with another girl--like, physically fighting. I pinned her to the ground (I always end up the more aggressive party in my dreams); then, very methodically, I grabbed a thick lock of her hair, wrapped it around my fingers, and ripped it off her scalp. I kept doing this over and over until she was bald. And the whole time I was thinking, "Oh my god... I'm doing something awful. I'm hurting her," but I wouldn't stop. I was disgusted and horrified with myself, but I didn't stop. I just kept going until I had enough--until I thought my point completely came across. I think that last part was the rub of it and has a lot of baggage attached. One of my biggest peeves is not being heard out and understood, and I hate not being acknowledged. Don't worry about accepting me--just acknowledge that you get my point even if you disagree. In my dreams, this peeve comes out full force and my shadow literally tears people apart for this egregious misunderstanding. The fact that I'm repressing that much rage about it and it's coming out so violently in dreams tells me that I have stuff to work on.

My other dream was very similar to dreams I've been having a lot since my mother's death. In my dream, I was in a tunnel deep underground. Everything was made of concrete, was worn down. There was dust and dirt on the ground and random things piled on top of each other, like boxes and papers and chests. The tunnel went on forever in either direction, and only the area I was exploring was lit, with either direction pitch black. There's always a sense of something hiding in the darkness, waiting for me to come find it; whatever it was, though, it never revealed itself. It never does. There was one dream where this sort of happened, involving a strange, black creature that I saw howling at the entrance of a hole in the center of a derelict, crumbling building. I went into the hole that led into the ruined underbelly of the building, but could never find the creature. It was there, somewhere. There was a part of me that felt sad for it.

My others dreams involving these strange tunnels and hallways included feelings of fear, but there was always a sense of curiosity that came with it. As well, I always sensed that something was with me, or at least waiting for me. I was never alone, even though I could wander these places forever and never find a single thing. I wouldn't call them nightmares; I think of these dreams as kind of dialogue between me and my subconscious that's trying so hard to show me something, but just can't for some reason. What am I trying to find that also disturbs me so much? Is it a monster? What does the monster represent? And if it's not a monster, then what is it? Myself? My child self? A lost memory? I don't know. All I know is that the dreams will probably continue to come back until I figure them out. Maybe these places are meant to be safe but just got lost along the way, and that's why whatever hides from me isn't actually trying to hurt me. Maybe... it's more scared of me than I am of it? Maybe I'm the monster in these dreams? Hm.

[kdke]

I've been doing finals for a week and still have two more to finish after today. My mind is overwhelmed with the five weeks of vacation, the reality that after the 25th of this month, I will have no income. My credit has been getting better since I'm keeping up with bills that I piled up from my move in June, at least.

But in September, I'll have nothing. I've kind of been scrambling, but I'm doing my best not to panic. School has been a good distraction, but not for long.

I've been dealing with a lot of stressful complaining from Grace about our instructor (Monica) still. Grace just won't stop talking about it and painting Monica into this vindictive bully of a caricature. I get that for most of us, it helps us to cope when we can dehumanize our perpetrators (whether they actually did wrong to us or not); it's just gotten to a point where I'm putting in so much emotional labor into just listening to these terrible complaints and resentful comments that I'm shot.

I've made excessive effort to try to humanize Monica, defend her choices even though they might've seemed poor. I've told Grace, "Sometimes when people are hurting, they don't know how to deal with it inside of themselves, so they try to control others to feel stable again. It's not justified but that's what happens. They're not trying to be mean; they're just hurting and they're scared." It doesn't matter. It's wasted effort because Grace just twisted it around to make it seem like I was saying Monica was this emotionally unstable and pitiful person. That's not what I meant. I only meant to instill some friggin' empathy and compassion. I was hoping it would help Grace just move on and let go.

But yesterday, I was talking to Grace about power dynamics in work places--just from my POV. Like how we sometimes have bosses whose subordinates are submissive enough to consistently reflect the bosses feelings about an employee they don't like. It can start a cycle of isolation and bullying the boss doesn't like, whether the boss wants there to be bullying or not. Loyalty can make submissive people do wicked things. I wish more assertive people could understand this more often.

I brought this up because unfortunately (and I almost fell into this hole myself), most of our classmates are isolating and bullying Grace. They ignored her, they refuse to help her; they get snippy and become passive-aggressive. No one likes her. She's been dehumanized. Like some superficial level of pseudospeciation. She is the other now. A lot of it has to do with the suspension and assumptions about what happened between Grace and Monica. It's not fair.

As I was talking to Grace about these things, trying yet again to kind of put things in perspective as to why our classmates are treating her the way they are, I didn't realize that Monica was in the classroom and could hear me. (She had left for a meeting and then I didn't know she had come back.) Grace had known, though; I had my back turned from Monica's office.

It wasn't something I ever wanted to discuss with Monica present. I didn't want her to think I thought she was a bully because I don't really think she is. I don't think that was ever her motive, and honestly, I really can't know what it ever was. Maybe I just give people the benefit of the doubt, but I simply believe Monica became very defensive against Grace and then acted out of fear. She went into fight mode and made a bad choice.

Grace left the classroom and Monica spoke to me about a resume that I had made for an interview at an oncology clinic (wish me luck). She then sat down at her desk and said, "I also want to say... try not to get involved in student drama." Of course, I was already mortified that she was present when I was talking to Grace, and it mortified me even more that now Monica knew that I was aware. I told her, "Yeah, ok," and left.

I have to admit that I was very resentful that Grace hadn't hushed me when she saw Monica come back. I'm still resentful. At the same time, I was the one talking about it and Grace didn't make me say anything I didn't want to say. It's not really her fault. I still wish she had warned me. I told her this when we arrived at the tutoring center in private. It really was the last straw for me, even though that should've been weeks ago. I have a lot of tolerance for these kinds of situations, and I hate it because it means they drag on and on.

I told Grace that I've hit my limit; I can't tolerate the negative talk anymore, I did my best to be a friend and be there for her. She was hurting, she felt targeted, and all of that mattered to me. At the same time, I told her, I still see Monica as a good instructor and have always had positive experiences as her student. That also matters. With Monica's comment by calling Grace's plight "student drama" and Grace's obsession with feeling cornered and persecuted, I realized that I had unintentionally put myself between two people who would never like each other. Ever. They were too proud, too resentful, too defensive, and felt too victimized to ever see beyond those feelings.

There was nothing more I could do simply as a supportive friend to Grace, and I hadn't even spoken to Monica about ANY of it. I refuse to, and I told Grace that I was done with it all and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I felt like I was being torn in different directions and I hated it. Fortunately, Grace really felt badly and apologized; she promised she wouldn't talk to me about it again and didn't want me to feel so conflicted. She wanted me to succeed as much as I did for her. I was glad for it.

I'm also walking away from this feeling somewhat resentful towards Monica, too. I don't like how she minimized and dismissed Grace's feelings with that one, simple comment. It's not student drama. And even though it is dramatic, Grace's feelings are real and are still relevant. I also realize that I'm taking it very personally because I would be infuriated if someone called my issues "drama." It really hit a cord with me. I've had my feelings dismissed all my life by abusers, and I am kind of disgusted to see it happen right in front of me.