Acceptance

Started by Elphanigh, June 22, 2018, 05:58:58 PM

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Elphanigh

Just needing to pose this question as I feel lost, and run over with this realization of betrayal.

*Trigger warning* FOO issues

After my therapy session on Tuesday, I have been getting this kind of righteous anger with my situation. Lots of parent wounds.  I don't want to stay there, but I spent so long denying their influence on this whole situation it is important to feel this anger for the first time..

I just don't know how to accept the fact that so much happened to me and there is virtually no way my parents didn't notice at least a small bit. There is no logical way they could have completely avoided seeing it. They had to have been in denial and so self absorbed. How do I accept that? How do I grow to accept that they would have known and decided it wasn't important?

They were abusive in their own way, but to know something else was going on and do nothing. To claim the role of caring,loving, adoring parents then look away when signs of sexual/physical abuse show up.. those things don't match. I can even begin to express the pain this realization is causing and the kind of anger and greif it brings up. My parents didn't do many thinga I deserve for them to do. This is by far the worst.

How does one come to accept that truth? How do I accept that my parents were either blind (almost as bad) or so far into denial that protecting me became unimportant??

Blueberry

That's a tough one. Expressing my feelings like anger and pain have helped, sometimes in the form of a Recovery Letter. Sometimes other forms in therapy. Writing about what happened has helped, as well as the validation from here or elsewhere.
:hug: 

Elphanigh

Thanks, Blueberry. I am glad that did eventually start to be helped. I imagine my emdr and such will be of great help to this when I am in on Tuesday. I am really trying to not need my T until then. I feel like this is a massively hit to my system. This just stark, no nonsense realization is like s"omething comepletely becoming clear and no longer ignorable. It is no longer something I can simply put away and deny... I know it is important but ouch  :fallingbricks:

Blueberry

 :hug: :hug: Yes, I remember those types of realisations and the ouch  :'( :'(

Elphanigh

 :hug: :hug: I am glad you remember them, feels less lonely knowing someone does. Although I hate that you also had to have these moments. I have had different moments of this sort, but it has been a while and this one honestly just feels like a larger pit in my stomach than the others. Probably because I wasn't expecting it. Honestly had hoped I was out of these moments, but I know better, just wishful thinking.

I am slowly wrapping my brain around this one. It will come with some time.

Blueberry

I didn't write it before but thought - you're making huge strides. ime anyway the more pain and the larger the pit in my stomach, the deeper things went and the more healing going on. Deeper healing.

And while all that's been going on, you learned how to budget, moved and started a new job! Wow!  :cheer: As I said, you're making progress with a capital 'p' right now. :yes: :applause: :cheer:
:hug: :hug: for the pain though.

Elphanigh

Blueberry, your thought was well timed. I just got off a Skype with one of my friends and had a good morning at the river market here. I have come to really relish in the positive changes as of late. This deep emotional work has paid off so much. I am genuinely happy much more often, and the emotional realizations don't rule my life for days on end. I am finally what I think is considered healthy, or at least really far in that direction. My friend helped me see that's. We hadn't truly talked in several months and the positive changes she pointed out were validating. I smile more, and have safe boundaries with draining people. I even trust myself more. It has been a really large shift.

Recognizing the truth about my parents can be part of that shift I feel I let it. That pain will be worked through and I will find my way of coming to terms with it. I am certain. I feel more hopeful today. I have been pushing past these realizations and learning from all of them, I can recognize that now. So if I got through the really rough part before, I can make it through this one too. I am healthier and stronger than I have ever been in my life, so now is the perfect time to be tackling this particular monster.

Thank you for sending the positive, validating message. Also thank you for remembering just how much I have been doing, it means the world that you remember.  :hug: :hug: I greatly appreciate the hugs. Little Elpha really needs those tbh