I have some thoughts to offer about working through the ‘all of a sudden’ feelings you mentioned when you are close with your SO. But first I have to offer a background so you understand how I got there.. TW*
I was in a relationship with someone I had been friends with for many years, Theil - we enjoyed being together and we respected one another (being sensitive to where we were - he was going through a major life change and I recently connected with my biological father after 26yrs.) As we became more intimate I started having emotional flashback’s. I didn’t recognize these feelings till it was over. i felt a need to shower, to run away, aching stomach pain — I doubted his intentions, considered that he was a predator (was not true). I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I didn’t know how to talk about it. Theil kept asking - he didn’t understand because we were ‘biologically connected’ (his words to describe when one partner has sensations that sync up with the other partner when you are apart) Our American Indian heritage (honors the body and spirit like a wild animal) validated these ‘magical’ natural urges (everything was right), so having the feeling to flee was the strangest barrier for me. I treated Theil poorly, blamed him for abuses done to me in the past, I came around to what I was doing - but it scared me, I didn’t know myself. We eventually ended our relationship because he needed more and I didn’t know where to begin with managing the Ef’s. Months later he returned and we talked it through. He was in a better space and so was I. Theil wanted to have kids and get married, I let him go and went overseas, far from my home country. I was not able to commit to a relationship then because I needed to know myself better; a family deserved nothing less. Overseas I met a man with a fierce soul and quiet resolve, the strongest biological connection ever, all too familiar and strange —- a poetic balance; it was the first time I experienced intimacy with no Ef triggers. I grew from this.
It was worth the wait. I am open to a love and family. It feels good to be present.
Bria, you asked about thoughts on how to express what you are feeling to your partner. For me, taking the time to love myself intimately helped me to connect with my body in a healthy way; to reinforce positive sensations that I needed to experience to free myself from the emotional flashback. Connecting with my body is physical and spiritual - Native American mythologies about the earth and womanhood open me up to know myself intimately (I share this because sex is physiological yet the mind shapes our expression) With my last partner, I asked for what I wanted to feel - going slow - letting myself open up to feel and know sex with calm and relaxation, building up to excitement and vigor. Eventually I didn’t flee, fight, or freeze, if I did have this urge, I explained to my partner in the moment through a visualization of what is happening and that it would pass when he helped me to write over the memory. I asked him to rewrite the memory with me, and he loved that. In the beginning we initiated our sex play with simple gentle pleasures - going slow until I felt ok to continue.
I hope my share helps you to find a comfortable and fun way to release the sensations (EF) you feel with your SO : )