I don't think I fit in here anymore

[Contessa]

Dear beloved friends at OOTS,

I began to write this post in the revovery board, but as the post developed it became clear that it needed to be placed here.

My comments of late have been few and far between for a plethora of reasons. Yes i've had a couple of personal crises that are devastating, and i've checked in here for help and reassurance. You have been my allies and unwavering support. You have lifted me out of some very dark depths.

I've come to reflect on my current situation and have noticed that for the first time in over eight years, i'm finally making decisions again because I want to and not just to survive. I no longer feel broken. I feel like I have control of my life again. I count my blessings. I feel like I can be a rock to someone else again, should they need it.

I need to continue on this path.

This is a strange, but welcome sense of being. Not feeling desperation. Feeling like myself again, despite all the losses suffered. Yet they won't be the last.

I'll never consider myself free of triggers. I will be weak at times, and I am scared of how i'll cope when inevitable or unexpected tragedies will occur. But i've been reflecting on the latest setbacks, and believe my resilience has been solidifying.

I relish the successes of my friends here, and check in with my fingers crossed hoping to read some wonderful posts, ecstatic when I do. I like to share updates of successes with the view that it might hopefully inspire others to keep at their journey. The many tiny steps add up. Never give up.

But I worry that I'm inadvertantly upsetting people instead. I don't want to do that. I also feel guilty when expressing a problem. I do think, and not with any sense of negativity, that perhaps I don't fit in here any more. Perhaps I have to step away.

This feels very weird. I've never 'stepped away' before. I've always had to escape, mysteriously disappear, or be abandoned first.

I don't know what's ahead, but right now i'm not scared. I think I will always come back here periodically, but will mostly keep my voice silent.

I don't know how to sign off...

[radical]

I'm glad you are no longer feeling broken, that you feel decisive and in control, most of all "a welcome sense of being".

But I'm sad that you fear that you are upsetting people and that you don't fit it.  I've never felt upset by you.

Do you feel that you want to move away from problems that don't make sense, or feel that your posts don't make sense to others?

I understand if you feel that you need to get on with your life and that OOTS is dragging you to a place you don't want to be.  But from my point of view you are always welcome here - happy or sad, broken or integrated, - no matter how you are.


I wish you everything you wish for yourself.
I'll miss you. 

[Blueberry]

I'm glad you are no longer feeling broken, that you feel decisive and in control, most of all "a welcome sense of being".

But I'm sad that you fear that you are upsetting people and that you don't fit it.  I've never felt upset by you. ...

I understand if you feel that you need to get on with your life and that OOTS is dragging you to a place you don't want to be.  But from my point of view you are always welcome here - happy or sad, broken or integrated, - no matter how you are.

When I read your post, it's sounds like a lot of progress 

But I wonder why do you feel guilty when expressing a problem here? you don't have to respond. But you are just as entitled as anybody else on here to have a problem and express it!

I wish you the very best! 

[Kizzie]

Sorry and not sorry to hear you are leaving Contessa.  Sorry because we will miss you, but not sorry that it is for such a great reason; that you are no longer feeling broken and are doing well enough now to step away more or fully. 

Please know you will always be welcome here   

[Sceal]

Very happy that you feel in control of your life and are able to make desicions for yourself. It's really great to hear, and inspiring.
Sharing ones triumphs are just as important as reaching out during a low-period.  I am happy that you've arrived at a stage in your life where you feel confident that the future belongs to you. And I hope you wont need this forum again.

Personally you reached out to me when I was new on the forum, and your advice meant a whole lot to me and I've thought about it often. So thank you for being here! Just wanted to say that.

[Contessa]

I had written an answer with the intention of sending it after work, but was taken down by the latest winter virus. Typical Contessa soap-opera timing with immediate dramatic irony.

Fell tremendously into self hatred and have been too ashamed of contacting anyone for the last few days. On the mend now, but have a sad, screwed up perspective for optimism; at least nobody violated or abused me this time.

Need to see how this plays out for a bit.

[Kizzie]

Oh dear Contessa, your ICr sure jumped into action and took advantage of you being sick (mine does this too).  Tell it to "Shush!" and let you get better in peace and quiet.

Sending you some (virtual) nourishing soup and tea, and fluffing your pillow so you can settle back down and go to 

[Hope67]

Hi Contessa,
I hope you feel better soon, and wishing you the best for a speedy recovery.
Hope 

[Contessa]

Looks like I was at the crest of a wave.
Still, in and out will be the key.
You are a wonderful bunch, glad to have you when the wave crashes

[Kizzie]

Come and go as you need to, you're always welcome here