dissasociation and aftermaths

[jamesG.1]

so, coming into land on this last work thing and understandably, I'm a bit frazzled. It's cost me a fortune, has been a pig's ear from start to finish and has screwed just about every plan I had set up and ready to go.

It's an odd thing because the gaslighting from both client and partner has been the same, a sort of work ethic display that has made the old thing a misery and has done nothing to get the job done. Outside of this ridiculous bubble, it's obvious. When I explain what I've been enduring the reaction is universally incredulity, but IN the bubble, we are all failing, underachieving or pulling a fast one. You hear a lot these days about duty of care in the workplace, and it certainly goes on if you are on the staff in these places, but if you are outside as a freelancer then all the bets are off. I've pulled 7 day weeks for 4 months for less than the living wage. What was I thinking?

Well, it's over now, I've pulled the plug and we are dissolving the partnership. After a period of rest, I'm going to get myself a simple bland job and concentrate on my writing in my free time. No more unpredictable wages. No more abusive client emails, no more meltdowns when all the energy is gone and the deadline is looming, changed again at the last moment by some feckless staffer with no understanding or interest in the consequences.

It's the last of my 4 major life crisis issues to go. The last thing between me and the control of my own life.

But there is an interesting phenomenon I was not expecting. And an unexpected twist. I had been on a dating site and had near forgotten it frankly, but out of the blue last week, I was approached by a woman in the next city over and well, she's not run off yet.

I have been frank about my C-PTSD, my eviscerated finances, my exploding career and my love of blue cheese and.... still wants to meet. Being accepted in that way felt really good, I have to say. Had a huge long talk and of course, she has her history too, but I'm feeling good on it so far.

Interestingly tho, I've been getting a sort of benign dissociation. Totally incapable of doing anything useful, but I dunno, the stress isn't there somehow. The weight is lifting for sure. New sensations every day. Odd. Action makes things shift, there's no doubt about that, but taking action is so much a gamble, especially when your head seems to be elsewhere. I've made some huge mistakes while under the influence of this thing, but I've mad the biggest and best too. I got out.

[radical]

It's so weird to be in an extremely stressful situation, especailly over a long time, and then to suddenly be out of it.  in my experience, it defies expectations, but one thing that doesn'r surprise, me it the exhaustion catching up.

You are so right about the decision to get out.  That is so much harder than it sounds.

Glad to hear you have met someone, that you are actively seeking other people.

You are doing great, JamesG1!!!

[Kizzie]

Sounds like some great self-care James      Just a thought I had but maybe the dissociation you're experiencing is actually a profound sense of relief and the relaxing of an overwhelmed nervous system?     

[jamesG.1]

almost certainly is