Difficulty at Work

[CatMama]

Hi, I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD and my therapist recommended I join a forum like this.

I am really struggling lately with work and what to do with my life. My job is in customer service and I find it harder and harder to maintain relationships with people and co-workers. I am wondering if some of you experience similar difficulties. I know CPTSD causes serious issues with interpersonal relationships but I feel like it is so much worse now as I am getting older (30's). I never feel like I fit in, I always think people are talking about me behind my back, and I have difficulty communicating. I get angry very easily by my co-workers and often flip out. I feel like everyone just thinks I am mean (but I try to tell myself this is just my inner critic coming through). There have been times I had to sneak out of work early because I have been so upset with feelings of being left out, I uncontrollably cry. I feel like everyone gets along and I am just on the outside.

I am going to be laid off soon (they are closing the place), so now I am kind of freaking out about what jobs I can even look for. I hate that I have to meet a whole group of new co-workers. I feel like I am not capable or working in customer service anymore (this is the only experience I have). I don't know if I should go back to school which is stressful for me because I hated high school and college and almost flunked out. I also just have no idea what to do with my life. I feel so lost!

Any line of work someone can recommend? I love animals and feel more connected with animals than I do people. I just have no experience with this (other than my pets), and to be honest, the pay isn't good, usually minimum wage and I live in an expensive city with high rent.

But then, sometimes I hear people say "who enjoys what they do for work? work is work".

I am just so torn if I should go for something I enjoy (which might not pay as much as I am used to), or try and suck it up and work another job I dislike. I don't know if I can mentally handle working in customer service talking to different people every day.

Should I be looking for a work from home job? or will isolating myself more just make my mental state worse?

I went to 1 interview for a position that doesn't involve dealing with the public and I was qualified for, but going to the interview was itself so difficult for me. It took a week of mental preparation. I almost backed out of going so many times I can't even count. The interview process is very overwhelming for me. I feel like I was just really awkward and haven't heard back from them so I don't think I got it.

Any advice would be appreciated

[Libby183]

I so wish I had some good advice for you. It must be a really hard position to find yourself in, and I really sympathise.  Looking back, I realise how with each job I had, I found it increasingly difficult to cope.

Financial considerations aside, a job with animals sounds like an excellent choice.  I would certainly look into that.  As would any type of job with minimal contact with people.  I was a nurse - for me, worst job choice imaginable!  What I would say, however,  is that I was probably at my best (never very good)  when I did short term,  agency type work.  It was maintaining work relationships that was so hard for me. So perhaps you could think about something more flexible.  That way you are not avoiding completely,  but aren't "pinned down",  so to speak.

I really do wish you well and hope that something good comes along for you.

Above all, take care of yourself.

Libby.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS CatMama

I do have a suggestion (although not much info I'm afraid about how to go about it). What about becoming a trainer for emotional support animals? They are different than service animals (i.e., for those with physical disabilities), and there is growing recognition that they are a positive and therapeutic resource for those of us struggling with psychological injuries such as CPTSD.

It would put you around the unconditional love of animals daily and people who are in a similar spot to yourself (so maybe you would not feel so different of left out?). The demand does seem to be increasing so it could be a long term career although I have no idea re salary.  Job interviews might even be less difficult in the sense that it would mainly be about how you handle animals versus you sitting answering questions about your qualifications.  

[Blueberry]

Welcome on the forum, CatMama! 

I've been having difficulty at or with work for years. I wish I could give you advice as you requested, but I think we're so individual in our work-related difficulties that it's hard to say anything.

i've been trying to get off disability for years now and have only just recently decided that that's not going to work in the foreseeable future. I do home-based freelance work, but when I do more than a particular amount, I start getting jittery and get all sorts of other problems as well. It's good to be my own boss - I decide what work I take on or not and when, but I still have problems with clients sometimes, e.g. when they don't pay. Sending payment reminders can take an awful lot out of me (that's cptsd-related). Also keeping on motivating yourself, especially when you don't have enough work, can be hard-going. In one of my lines of work, I have healthy freelance colleagues who say the same. If depression is part of your cptsd, then trouble motivating yourself could become an issue.

"Who enjoys what they do for work?" Some people do in the main enjoy their work. I've found that asking myself these sorts of questions not really compatible with cptsd. It's not a real question. It's more or less forbidding myself from wanting anything better for myself or even from feeling into what I need. I for one have discovered I need to feel some joy and satisfaction in order to even get out of bed in the morning and get ready to start my day.

Beyond that I also work on a small organic farm on a kind of volunteer basis (payment-in-kind), though I don't do much work with the animals. However, you're in a city - that would be harder to organise probably. Financial considerations aside, a couple of different p/t jobs might work. Pet-sitting/dog-walking etc plus p/t something else, mix and match?

I wish you well with this! Keep us updated if it helps you to continue to discuss.

[saylor]

I wish I had a suggestion for you, but I have found myself asking the same type of thing for years (decades!), and still haven't come up with a satisfactory answer. I FEEL for you so much, though. I can "hear" the pain in what you write...
Working with people, even though my current job doesn't actually have an abnormally large amount of that, is so draining for me. I'm so triggered by "all-things-people"... Sometimes I marvel at how I've managed for so long. It really has been torture.
I'm giving you a big, virtual hug. Please know you're not alone, CatMama

[Stepone]

Hi Catmama, I can completely relate to what you say, work has been so difficult for me over the years and it's taken all of my energy just to (somewhat) cope in the workplace and survive. I'm also in my 30s and reached a breaking point where I was unable to work and have been on disability for some time. I'm able to do some additional working from home, there are some companies where you can teach English to kids in China (you need a stable internet connection, and to be a native English speaker with a college degree). It can be draining of course, interacting with (often very young children), but it pays about 19USD per hour tax free and the extra income has helped me a lot. I also find because the children are so innocent it's refreshing, and I don't have the horrible toxic boss or workplace pressures I've had in the past. It may be a suggestion that is way off for you, but I thought I'd put it out there as it's been a positive place for me. I live in Europe so the Beijing evening hours are ok for me (6pm - 9pm Beijing time) but if you are in USA it's very difficult as it's around 2am.  There are other ''teach English from home'' companies that operate out of other countries so maybe the time zone issue can also be worked out. I still don't know what I can do longer term but I also worked in customer service and assistant jobs, and found they triggered my fawn (and then fight) response so much as it's always about ''keeping the customer happy at any cost''. I know in all jobs you have to keep the boss happy, but service jobs you also have customers/colleagues etc I think that can make it much harder. With the teaching you do need to be chirpy and happy, which can be hard when you're depressed, but you're talking to cute 5 year old kids who are usually excited to see you   I also love animals more than people and my cat has saved my life. I looked at jobs with animals but found the same thing, that they wouldn't cover my bills unless I did more training. I do catsitting/dog walking with Pawshake but the money is very low - so it is more a hobby I do sometimes if I have extra time/energy. Good luck and I can relate to everything you say, I know how hard this is!

[fullofsoundandfury]

I'm having slightly different problems.

I've transferred careers from medicine to public service/government.

Previously I was seeing patients all day, and I LOVED IT. I loved the people. Oh my God, did it fill a deep hole in me. I got an act down pat, I people-pleased them, I gave them everything I've ever wanted from the medical profession (care, listening, time, respect, connection), they loved me and I was in a constant positive feedback loop. I developed this whole persona and we were constantly laughing and it was amazing.

This new job, is just trigger town. It's mostly because I've realistically gone into it to rescue children like me, I can't because of bureaucracy and because I'm inexperienced and probably just an idiot, all day I'm hearing stories of hopeless situations where people are standing by knowing children are being abused the precise way I was, and I am sure all my new team mates feel like I'm weird, and I have been weird because my outer critic has been telling me to be careful, and the isolation is killing me.

So I'm the opposite of you right now. Customer service is my glorious panacea of dissociative distraction and faux family connection where I got to play out my hero fantasies, and isolation is very, very bad for me. For now. For ten years I was a hermit. 

To be honest, I think just do what you feel drawn to. The perfectionist asks these questions like 'will it make my isolation worse?'

Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe you'll do that for 6 months then do something else. My new job is very painful but it's made me aware of how tightly controlled I am (who knew? Denial is incredible) and it is serving a truly excellent purpose.

I'm early 30s too. Let's face it, if there was a way to do this right, we would have effing found it by now. If there was an answer that was permanent none of us would be in any pain. Who is more obsessive with finding the right way to do things than a person with CPTSD?