Challenge at work causing mild EF & I work today - help!

[C.]

I am having a mild EF about a relational situation at work.  One of the staff is definitely passive-aggressive and likely has NPD traits.  When I "match" her tone and expression she is more appropriate.  When I am "kind" with tone, words and expression she's inappropriate.  When it's time for a shift change I have to communicate w/her and I notice it's causing me a lot of stress.  I went to a recent training and learned that her behaviors really are not ok w/my organization.  But she's been there longer.  So I've decided to simply record her behavior for the next two weeks, "match" her, and go from there.  I'm posting here b/c it's causing me a lot of stress, arms feel trembly, throat tight...I think that for most people her behavior would not cause such a high stress response, but of course in me, with CPTSD, it does.  And recording her behavior also causes an EF  Argh!!! :  ( 

I wonder if I should just let the recording her behavior go and focus on my coping response?  Ideas?  Thoughts?  Suggestions?

Her behavior could also affect other staff and a few vulnerable clients...

[Kizzie]

Hey C - sorry to hear about your coworker, I understand how stressful that is.  FWIW if you understand that she is likely NPD and triggers you, I wouldn't make things worse for yourself by recording her behaviour just now because you want to make sure she's not doing this with others.  You first!   

I don't know if you are or were at OOTF our sister site but there's a few techniques such as Medium Chill (http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/MediumChill.html) that help keep things on as even a keel as possible when dealing with PD people.  I find that I have to disengage and/or distance myself as much as possible with all NPDs because they trigger me (and I'm quite happy to avoid them as much as possible  ). 

So if you can do so maybe try that as much as you can while still doing your job. If at some point your EFs subside around her and if you're up to it, you can record her behaviour and let the company know. 

Good luck 

[C.]

Thanks Kizzie.  Yes, it's time for more work on OOTF/NPD coping skills.  Good point about me first, then the company.  I did notice that using "medium chill" and matching her tone/facial expression helps...weird but true.  So do you mean other people wouldn't be so "triggered" by her behavior? or other NPD behavior?...I sense that's the case, but it's just confusing sometimes...

[Anamiame]

I had a 'workplace sociopath' for a boss for less than a year.  It's a long story, but I was blackballed right when I started and purposely targeted throughout my career--the the Worker's Comp win.  Anyway, it was a living *.  My response was 'you won't get to me.' 

The problem is, going back to the post about physical illnesses in CPTSD, the stress response, with my history, severely damaged my heart. 

Now, it was a very severe case.  However, my caution for you is to be CAREFUL because you may get your mind and emotions to respond appropriately, but your body doesn't necessarily follow suit. 

You have to put YOU first.  I'd talk to T.  Also, look up information on work place sociopaths.  NPD is just the beginning for them. 

Anyway, I hope that helps...or brings a different perspective....

[Kizzie]

Hi C - I think we're really sensitized (not overly sensitive as some people would have us believe!) to people who are abusive. It's like a raw nerve when we encounter PD people and so we do react strongly.  My H though knows a PD person when he encounters one, but he just disengages and doesn't lose any sleep about it whereas I gnash my teeth a lot or used to anyway. Now I just try and get the heck away from them before they trigger me, and when I have to be around them I use all the OOTF strategies.

So it may be that your coworkers don't feel as stressed as you do, but they probably do feel annoyed or like they don't want to be around her.

I hope things went well today

[schrödinger's cat]

I'd second that. People without CPTSD would get worked up over this person too, and they'd find her annoying and worrisome. So the perceptions would be the same, and their feelings and ours would probably overlap. But we have also a part of us that's largely about unprocessed trauma - a part that's still gravely injured, as it were. So triggers still set off our body's Armageddon mode. Sadly, like Anamiame said, this happens automatically and autonomously. I've done this several times, just without the heart trouble. I had all kinds of other somatic symptoms instead, and I spiralled down into... it was either a depression, or burnout, or a really long EF, or all of it. Later, I realized that I'd kind of dragged my injured part forward with sheer grim determination, ignoring all signs that I was driving myself too hard. 'This is necessary, I have to do this, I'll be fine.' Famous last words. So... not sure how common that is, maybe it doesn't happen to everyone, but it's worth keeping an eye on.

[Kizzie]

I realized that I'd kind of dragged my injured part forward with sheer grim determination, ignoring all signs that I was driving myself too hard. 'This is necessary, I have to do this, I'll be fine.' Famous last words.

Well said as always Cat - that's the exact image and sentiments I have when I look back.  And really when you have a career and children you almost have no choice but to keep going or at least that's how I felt then.  I wonder if we'd had the knowledge and resources about CPTSD that we have now how things would have gone. 

[C.]

Thanks everyone.  This really helps.

So when I arrived at work this person pulled me aside and lectured me about a couple of things and "gossip"...I realized that I really should have referred another co-worker to talk w/her directly b/c my irritation had come out.  Now I know how I'll handle that in the future.  I also learned that someone is lying.  And now she's being extra nice, no mistakes, kind of like the "vacuum" you'd mentioned.  Plus she has the "flying monkey" in a couple of employees.  It feels like they fawn to avoid her abuse, and I just won't do that anymore.

Fortunately she's not my boss.  My bosses are both appropriate and probably unaware to some degree.  The inappropriate behaviors never happen when they're around.

I'm only around her for about 30 minutes per week so I'm gonna work on my own response with her and keep posting here as needed.

I still quiver a little writing about the whole topic.  Definitely discussion to bring up with my T.

[schrödinger's cat]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, and I hope that problem will solve itself very soon. I know that feeling - something happens that seems like I ought to be able to handle it, and it's only later that I realize that simply just being in the vicinity of that person feels like there ought to be some kind of horror-movie theme music accompanying it.

Maybe I'll do that next time I'm meeting with my own horror person. Nod, smile, and secretly pick a soundtrack. The "Jaws" theme, or those violins from "Psycho", or the song from "High Noon" to give it all a more heroic feel. I'll have to test if this is relaxing.

[Kizzie]

A quiver versus an EF - sounds like progress!   

[smg]

Hi C,
I hope that you got through yesterday alright without too much struggle, and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with someone else's bad behaviour -- wouldn't it be nice if work could just be about doing the job well.

I want to say how impressed I am by your awareness of what's going on with your co-worker and how you've been affected. My own experience is of not conciously noticing the bullying until I was very near my breaking point. So if awareness is Step 1 of protecting yourself, I think you're doing a really good job (and that you can give yourself a break and not force yourself to create perfect documentation, because you really are doing a good-enough job already at this difficult self-protection business).

I worry sometimes too about the trouble I have with the other person's behaviour maybe being my problem because I'm the only person being bothered by it -- you know, my fault for being over-sensitive. Congnitively, I know that's wrong, and that the idea come from early messages from my family of origin. I'm working my way through many repititions of thought-stopping and -substitution to get that idea out of my head.

Here's my substitute thought: I'm not over-sensitive, and it's not my fault that this bothers me; I'm a canary in the coal-mine (or CPTSD sufferer in the dysfunctional workplace). Birds have a lower tolerance for certain air pollutants than humans do, and coal mines can have unpredictable pockets of "bad air," so miners used to bring caged songbirds into the mine with them. So long as the bird was fairly lively, the miners knew they were well within human tolerances, but if the bird keeled over dead, they knew to get out fast before they felt too sick to run. A key point for me to remember, is that the bird isn't faking it, and doesn't need to toughen up -- what the bird needs is fresh air (!!!) and for the person(s) in charge of the cage to be attentive to little signs that will save both the bird and themselves.

I don't know that all of that story is completely true, but I used to work with toxicology data, and i do know that scientists have used birds' heightened sensitivity to poor air quality to point them toward human health risks that they weren't previously aware of. For example, have you ever read the warning on a non-stick pan about not pre-heating that pan without any food or oil in it? If you heat an empty non-stick pan, small amounts of chemicals from the teflon coating will be released into the air from the hottest parts of the pan. (Oil or food in the pan helps to even out the temperature, prevent hot-spots and reduce how much chemical is released to air.) Canaries are part of why we know that happens and why we have a strategy to reduce the human health risk. When non-stick pans were new, a bunch of pet birds died while someone very close by was pre-heating a teflon pan. investigating the birds' deaths led scientists to figure out the problem and prevent mitigate the human health risk.

To put it another way, I/we/the birds are all shifted a little bit to the left on a curve of exposure versus response (aka a dose-response curve), meaning that we have a noticeable reaction at a lower exposure level. The toxicant (or bullying behaviour) is real at all exposure levels, and lots of other people will start to notice adverse effects as exposure continues.

Wow. Obviously I've thought about this a lot, and now to persevere with the thought-stopping.

Good luck at work.
smg

[C.]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and responses.  They all helped me cope a lot this week!

After thinking all of this over I've decided to ask my boss to work fewer hours.  I've been reflecting and realizing that 20-29 hrs is the "sweet" spot for outside employment for me.  He'd indicated that he would probably schedule me more like 34-37 hrs and that's just feeling like too much.  I'll give him the reason that it's bc I need more time with my son, which is one of the reasons.  This is a family friendly company and I've been told that I'm doing a great job so hopefully that will be ok!  We'll see.

smg - I loved your story about the canary, the mines, and air pollution.  I studied public health and found myself fascinated with environmental health.  I had thought of the canary for my kids at school, also they're both "orchid" children, not dandelions...they need just the right soil, temperature, fertilizer to bloom!  But I hadn't thought about myself and being a guide for others as to the toxic environment at work.  That's really something to ponder.  I notice first and although the EF feels uncomfortable this is such positive way to look at the whole situation.  Thank you.

Kizzie - great point, I hadn't thought about it that way...thank you!  It's true I didn't dwell or stay in the EF for long, I was soon able to concentrate on work.  In the past that wasn't true.  In the moment I felt bad, but I quickly "saw" the person, the behavior and the situation for what it was...unhealthy, that it wasn't "me"...

Cat - exactly, that's how I feel and then I get so irritated at myself for being affected by someone being inappropriate...it's like I'm giving over my power argh.  I love your theme music idea, I'm thinking the sound track when the witch appears in the Wizard of Oz haha  Tadadada dadada!

Ana - great point.  I was talking w/my T today about finding the "sweet" spot with work.  I like my work and want to be there, but I'm noticing that much more than 29hrs/we and it's like I can feel the lifeblood being sucked from me.  You're right about the ultimate somatic affect.  I have an injured thumb I've not tended to and my nutritional habits have worsened a bit. 

[schrödinger's cat]

C - hah, I like that idea. The green witch! Now I've got the "ding dong" song stuck in my head. Good to hear that you hit upon a way to make your life easier. Yay!    I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. And your reason for working shorter hours is very true. After all, it's good for your kid if your available energy isn't absorbed by witchy people.

[C.]

Two weeks of good behavior and starting last Sunday she's right back to the same behaviors.  Today she gave me the silent treatment, raised her voice in irritation, went to tell the assistant manager that I'd agreed to something which I'd not done, and then was all gushy sweet with the next co-worker to come on shift before she left.

I think I was in an EF for a few hours over her behavior.  Then again later in the evening after new info. came to light from the other co-worker.  The good thing is that now I notice and know it was an EF.  Mild enough to work through, but painful.  I feel on edge, close to tears, hard to smile or laugh...In part I keep thinking how I just cannot be around this behavior right now.  It's too stressful for me. 

My T was commenting to accept the stage I'm at with healing and I just don't think that I can be around her right now.  I will do the medium chill and push through for a couple of days, but I'm talking to my boss asap (he seemed supportive when I told him what was going on) and I'm not sure what'd going to happen next.

I feel like not going in to work for the next two days so I don't have to see her or talk with her at all.  Twenty minutes is too long

[schrödinger's cat]

Bleargh. Poor C.    Those mind games, the hot-and-cold, the sheer rudeness of it all - I'd be having flashbacks too, and how. I hope you'll be able to dodge her. She sounds like a real piece of work.