Trying to identify what this feeling is.. :(

[Rowan]

Hi all,

A somewhat tricky question, and I have to place the obligatory trigger warnings on the post....  and I've moved it from the emotional flashbacks page, as I may get feedback here.












And a big space, so that you'll only read it on purpose









I read an article that talked about SA of a young person by their baby-sitter. It was written from a parents perspective. It triggered feelings of dread, and nausea. My DP believes that it is empathy and understanding of the child's position - however, as you may gather, I'm not sure.

What concerns me more is that is this my mind attempting to fill in the gaps, or is this a possible past echo?

As this is in the ' blank' zone, I'll never be certain and that's bugging me today, as unbeknownst to my DP, there was a drunken incident many years later that I can remember where I expressed a belief that I had been a victim of CSA and it was invalidated rapidly, and deemed attention seeking by my FOO.

The self doubt and self invalidation that I am feeling right now, leads me to suspect that there may be something in it, but I am struggling to reconcile that with the fact I will never know for certain. Was the feeling during my reading the article an emotional flashback? I don't know, I do know for certain that I've been badly triggered.

This was unexpected and caught me off guard.

Rowan

[Andyman73]

Rowan,
I'm as uneducated as one can be, and still have even the tiniest bit of knowledge in this vast areana of trauma and the life long effects of it.
Since all of my memories were repressed until last year, I only knew I had been through something, as I began developing ptsd in 1994...and have lived with it ever since. I know now that it is CPTSD. And I also know why. All those memories are a mind blowing collection of one horrible trauma after another after another after another....

It's very hard to feel EFs to something that isn't real or didn't actually happen. Not onnly that, our minds in their vast wonderfulness, have a capacity for storage that defies all logic and discription. Unfortunately for most trauma survivors, we just don't have access to most of that stored away stuff. Some is "lost" forever...in our brains. However, that being said, our bodies are completely different....muscle memories...like remembering how to ride a bike after many years of not riding. In that, our bodies remember trauma that our minds have forgotten or even couldn't rmember because of how traumatizing it was.
If you feel something....don't poke and prod...be gentle and let it have it's space. It will come to you, and if you aren't as patient as some...seek help with trauma trained professionals. Digging into our own pasts, in this specific areana, on our own can be disasterous, leading to being retraumatized, quite frequently even more traumatized than the original event.

Trust your gut....would it bother you so much if it really were nothing? No, not really...therefor....it must be something. Occam's Razor helps out, here, the simplest way to the truth is always best. Not too many turns to get lost in.  Nobody can tell you what you feel or how you feel it. For many years I suffered painful body memories...I mean dizzying, nauseating, mind searing painful....without ever even knowing what it was. I was far too afraid to go to dr for checkup, thinking I had colon cancer or something else in that body region.  Was greatly releaved that protstate exam cleared any concerns about the cancer worry. However...it was a doulble edged sword....dr saw "extensive scarring" his words....questioned me on possibilites of having been sa/r. Told him no way in He**! But totally freaked me out. This was about 4 years before my memories actually started returning. But took many months beyond that point before I even remembered that exam.

Sorry....dissociated for a bit...back now....I think.....

You made an excellent point to your very own mystery question..."were very baddly triggered"...I don't think one can be triggered by from something that isn't there, that didn't happen, that is false, fake, or pretend. Some part of our whole being knows the truth...hence the trigger effect.    Safe  if okay.

[Rowan]

AndyMan,

Thanks  are always accepted. Usually they are my go-to when I'm at my lowest, and through the joys of disinhibited social engagement disorder, I have in the past been known to demand them from strangers. 

As horrible as i am still feeling from this, it would explain some of my early years precocious behaviour.

So, so many gaps.

Rowan

[Andyman73]

Rowan,

I would gladly and freely give you unlimted hugs to use as you need. Hugs are something that came in super short supply growing up. And even less in my adult years. So....it's a whole thing with me.
Yeah, that make sense about some early childhood behaviours.
Rowan, we have lots and lots of missing time, or gaps, too. So ...we get it. Oddly we don't miss the missing stuff. Doesn't feel missing. Feel like was never there...can't miss what you ddin't have kind of thing. Most of my childhood is remembered, or not, in that fashion...like wasn't there.  But we are here, and would be happy to sit and keep you company, for as long as you'd like.

[Rowan]

Hi hon,
Thank you for your kind offer to sit by the fire, and talk about times - I really appreciate it.

The days when I am aware of the gaps are bad days - everything is stark, and accentuated, and the story. Omg, the story is missing. And that is what I notice. The rest reside in fragments scattered. Some days they bubble up through the black, soon to disappear again. Such is my internal world.

Today was T day - once again, T shocked, T didn't realise that her haircut triggered me (looks like my late MIL now, and that's not a good thing), and we had a meds review - which on reflection and a little research built my confidence in her (she really knows her $h1*), and May help too - win/win. However anxiety was set to stun, and words, well, words. You know. Slow. Words, came to mind.

I am convinced that something happened on the csa spectrum now, judging how badly triggered I have been (days now, and showing no signs of stopping), and as a child there were plenty of unsupervised times in the company of 'adults' where literally anything could have happened.

So 

Roman

[sanmagic7]

i agree with andy, that if you feel a trigger so strongly, and for so long, it's because something was there to trigger it in the first place.  it sounds like now you're beginning to be more sure of it yourself.  a blessing cuz you're able to validate yourself, a curse cuz it means it actually happened and you've been wounded by it.  another blessing, tho, in that recognizing such a wound gives you a chance to heal from it.  that's a good thing.

glad to hear your t is being helpful, but omg, to have a similar haircut to a neg. someone in our lives is awful.  hopefully it'll grow out soon.  perhaps you can talk to your t about it, explore the dynamic going on so that you can know that this isn't the same person and will not harm you.  best to you with that.

in the meantime, sending you love and hugs full of clarity and healing.

[Rowan]

Saw the doctor this morning about my med change - and talked about these sensations.

He agreed with the consensus here, that it is likely a body memory.  not really sure what to do with the confirmation - it's validating in a twisted way, and may explain some of the darkness.

Being gentle with myself, thanks for your support...


Rowan

[Andyman73]

Hi Rowan, new friend...

We know this so so hard.  Body memories....sometimes just weirdly strange...and sometimes hurts so so bad makes us  .   Maybe we look at it like this...dr person confirmed...validating you...so...not know what or why..but know that it is that does helps a bit. Gives a tiny tiny bit of peace to know we not going crazy.. and yes our body is talking to us through the body memory. Means it members something our head doesn't   Usually cuz we was dissociated when that bad bad hurty was being done to us.
Too sciency to us to explain details. But use words like we do make it easy for us.

Rowan...we gonna sit here quietly and just be...sometimes that all we can do..cuz words too too hurting and stuck inside.