Struggling *Trigger*

[Cyd]

*Possible Trigger*

Posting here because I don't feel I can talk to my family and friends...I'm already worried I've scared one friend away with being too open, and I feel my wife will be disappointed in me.
Last night and tonight I self harmed for the first time in a decade.

Since realising I have cptsd and starting therapy it's like opening a can of worms. I feel so anxious and out of control.

I've been having mild anxiety attacks, only sleeping about 5hrs a night and living in a general state of panic.

I've been trying to meditate a bit and tried to look after myself....but that feels too much at the moment.

So I harmed and for the first time in  weeks I felt calm for a bit...more in control.

I know it's not healthy, and I'm having to hide my leg from my wife...but it's felt like a small bit of respite.

... I was thinking just now, I did this as a teenager as a coping mechanism for what was happening then....that state of panic is what I was feeling then....this is the past feelings isn't it.

Writing this has helped get it out a bit. I didn't even recognise that this is still largely past feelings. How do you do this when the feelings feel so present...they feel like they're attached to work and other stresses, but I'm reacting like teenage me.

I feel so lost.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you're struggling. It's good you reached out. I find doing that reduces some of the pressure.

How about trying some of Pete Walker's 13 Steps for flashback management? Not even necessarily all, just whatever you can manage.

Take care!

[Laura90]

Hi Cyd 
I'm sorry you felt so distressed and overwhelmed you hurt yourself.

I hope you've taken care of your leg ok.

It can feel such a scary, lonely place can't it, when we get to that zone in ourselves where the utter pain and confusion is torn out of us in harming our own self.

I really empathise with you. 

Are there any other ways it can 'come out' as so to speak? I often think the underlying emotion behind EFs as well as the scariness of them, is the injustice of having to live with so much un asked for pain.

Writing out my anger or grief at the injustice of it I can find helpful.

Crying uncontrollably can sometimes be quite clearing and refreshing.
Would these be worth a try?

I really hope you can get though this.

Laura

[MillieEva]

Hi Cyd,

I'm  sorry you're going through this. I can really relate .. I'm going through a  similar stage to you. I also self harmed for the first time in 10 years and recently found out i have complex ptsd. And I'm withdrawing from friends and hiding my self harm from my husband.

I'm trying not to listen to the inner critic and not judge myself for harming myself. Instead I try to remind myself that self harm is a survival and coping mechanism.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to and get some other ideas for coping strategies?