Alone...

Started by SOS, July 05, 2018, 09:54:25 PM

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SOS

Hello... I've never been here but I'm having a horrible time. I have C-PTSD and am completely alone. On disability and living in an apt. with mostly old people (I'm 65, female) and I feel like I'm in my grave. There is no one to connect to. It is deathly quiet. I feel TRAPPED. I'm afraid of being alone. (I lived alone for many years and was fine!) 

I have a long history of trauma and neglect. Had a very violent crime against me at 18 (trapped) and when I got sick in 2013, no one believed me and I was emotionally abused for 2 1/2 years by a family member I trusted. (Narcissist at the very least - very violent person.) I literally woke up one morning with a pain in my stomach and PANIC. I finally had the physical problem taken care of but the panic has not gone away. It is worse since moving here. I don't know how to be around people anymore. I am hyper-vigilant and just want to run. I can't stand this anymore. I only have one family member and she is shunning me or being passive/aggressive. She was my safe place for 60 years until this happened. I don't know how to move on. I'm in CBT therapy and have started EMDR but when I'm alone, I am so stressed out that I feel as though my bones will break.

I only feel safe with safe people (cousins) and when I'm in motion - driving. I literally had to run to save my life once and I've been running away from situations ever since. I was healthy and happy for years prior to this downfall but can see that I was avoidant and pushed people away... I've literally managed to completely abandon myself. I miss my family member so much but she is no longer safe. My friends and few relatives do not understand why I can't "get over it!" I don't know who I am anymore or how to take care of myself. This is horrible. No one wants to hear this! I just want to be in the mountains in a cabin with a few friends and a good dog. Any advice? The isolation is killing me but I feel dissociated when I go out. The traffic, noise, city, is all too triggering for me. I was previously in a much smaller town. This may be very scattered. Sorry.

Blueberry

A warm welcome to the forum, SOS  :heythere:

I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time at the moment. It's very good you felt able to reach out. When you are on this forum, you are not completely alone. There is a lot of care and validation on here.

Does your therapist know how stressed out and alone you feel and how difficult it is for you to go out?
In my experience there are times when there are so many issues to be addressed it's hard to know where to start in therapy and there doesn't seem to be enough time for it all. I'm sorry if you're in one of those phases.

Do you know Pete Walker? http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html His work is helpful for a lot of us on here.

Boatsetsailrose

Hello dear sos
Thank you for sharing what is going on for you at present..
I can very much relate to what you are describing. I've been through terrible times of loneliness and hyper vigilance. Pete w talks about abandonment depression and this seems to sum up well. Feeling frightened of being on our own yet not feeling able to be with general people is a double bind. In my experience it has very much been about finding safe ways to be with people. Therapeutic groups/ meet up groups / support groups. I'm not sure what country you are in or what is on offer. Here in the U.K. there is much on offer re mental health/ disability / arts/ social that is no cost. For me it's about having safe supportive places to go and going in spite of how I feel ( unless of course I really can't leave the house and then that requires different support). We need connnection with others who understand and activities that can take us out of ourselves). Speaking about social anxiety with others who understand can be very healing.
With regard to where you live is there someone you can help ? Befriend ? This can be a way to feel useful and part of. Is there any garden you can tend to a small patch ?
I see you drive so it can be good to avoid noisy central areas and stick to quieter places where possible. Nature and green ness are so healing for me. Earplugs can work a treat to block out city noise and doing grounding/ protection exercises before going out

SOS

Thanks for the suggestions Blueberry and Boat... I am trying to find my comfort zone. It is difficult here as there are so many triggers for me. From childhood on. I saw my therapist today and yes, he knows how I'm feeling. He was the first one I saw when all this started in 2013.

I am having a hard time "tolerating" people that I don't know or feel comfortable with and I believe that that is from anger coming up from EMDR. Not sure that it's a good time to be doing that as I'm feeling so unsettled where I live. I'll talk to her about that this week as well.

I'm in the US very near a big city and it's not fun! I much prefer the mountains and small towns. There are no groups for PTSD here. Group therapy is scarce and insurance won't cover.

I've signed up to do "puppy petting" for an organization that trains dogs for vets with PTSD so I'm hoping that will help.

I just want to stop thinking about all of this for a little while. It's all I do. I have chronic pain also and will see the pain doc tomorrow. Maybe he can help. I'm always thinking about my pain level. I never used to be aware of my body like this. I can't stand it.

I'll check out Pete Walker's stuff.

Thank you both!

Blueberry

Have fun with puppy petting! At least during that I hope you can stop thinking about all this for a while. Animals help me return to the present and out of ruminating.

:rundog: :rundog:  :)

Fen Starshimmer

Hello SOS,
Welcome to OOTS, one place where you will be heard and understood.   :wave:

I relate to those feelings of loneliness and panic you describe, the hypervigilance, the exhaustion of it all. And wanting to be on a mountain. Away, away from the triggers!
Now I know that it makes sense, because nature is grounding, calming, helps rebalance an overactive nervous system.

I agree with Boat about connecting with others who understand, although I've started rather late in that... maybe because I didn't know I had CPTSD until a few years ago, so didn't know there might be a whole community out there. For me, trusting that the right kind of help is out there, you've just got to keep looking for it, has helped, reading too, and of course, now....  there's OOTS, which has provided wonderful feedback when I've needed a trustworthy point of view.  :)

I recommend Pete Walker's book too. Reading it right now. He makes a lot of sense, talks in normal language and offers plenty of self-soothing, healing tips and ideas.

Hope you feel better soon and keep in touch.


SOS

Thanks to you all for sharing with me.

I speed-walked a mile this evening. Even invited another tenant around the same age and she joined me. That's after spending my entire day inside of this box and trying to find things to sell to pay utilities and TV/Internet bills. I have already screwed up my finances for this month. I haven't had to do this since I became ill and I am panicking. I have applied for food stamps and utility assistance but it hasn't been processed yet. I tend to avoid "looking" when something like this happens. I'm trying to be more pragmatic about it all but this is so scary. My question is this: Do any of you, or is there an area on the site that has ideas for making money without going out into the big, scary world? My hyper-vigilance is getting worse because of this stress. I have come so far that I don't want to let this completely deplete me but it's crazy expensive on your own.

I worked as a caregiver for 14 years prior to this and I realize now that I was keeping myself "safe" from the real world, but now I can't tolerate that kind of work. I also worked as an editor and photo researcher for an author but she passed in 2014. I loved that job!

Thanks for any ideas!


SOS

Thanks Behea1thy... I am trying, Haven't heard of HEAP but will check it out. Today I'm just frozen.

Blueberry

Quote from: SOS on July 13, 2018, 11:57:52 PM
My question is this: Do any of you, or is there an area on the site that has ideas for making money without going out into the big, scary world?

You could look at the Employment section: http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=180.0  The question of "what kind of job can I do despite cptsd?" has come up a few times recently. There are posts from the self-employed too.

Though I like BeHea1thy's ideas on saving money too.

Sending gentle  :hug: :hug: if safe enough for you today.

SOS

Thanks Blueberry... I am working on learning how to not overspend. I'm just so freaked out all the time it's hard to remember.

I'll check out the link. :)

SOS