Being told to grow up and get over it

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skywolf

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Being told to grow up and get over it
« on: July 06, 2018, 10:20:10 PM »
I've had a really bad day. I've been told I need to grow up and get over the things that have happened to me. That they don't matter regardless of the type of abuse because the person giving this speech to me had in her view suffered more than myself.

After hearing this I'm at a loss of what to do. My mind is reeling from being spoken to like this. I just feel useless and embarrassed and I really don't know what to do.

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ah

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Re: Being told to grow up and get over it
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2018, 01:03:04 PM »
Hi Skywolf,

Yikes! It's so painful, being told that. I can still vividly remember the last time someone I considered a good friend said that to me. It was extremely triggering and painful. It left me feeling awful and it shut me up.

Please, don't "get over it". Trauma, let alone interpersonal long-term trauma that causes cptsd, isn't something to just "get over". It isn't like stubbing your toe, or having a fight with someone. It's so much deeper and more existential than that. If you just tried to snap out of cptsd I'd worry.

People who haven't been traumatized often can't get any of this. And sometimes, sadly, neither can traumatized people. This is one of the saddest things life has to offer. Not everyone has the stomach for it. It take a lot of empathy to see big aches and not look away from them.

I think being in pain doesn't make you childish or obsessive, or bad, or stupid, or clueless... it only says one thing about you: that you're in pain. Justifiable, harsh pain. I know that sort of pain from my own life, and I'm with you.

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Blueberry

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Re: Being told to grow up and get over it
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2018, 02:12:18 PM »
Hi Skywolf,

ah has given you a really good response! I don't have much to add. Decades ago I was told by FOO to get over 'any bad things that might have happened to me' (done by them, go figure), forgive and forget. The only way to do that was block out all my memories. That is not the way to heal.

People who suggest things like that have no clue or an alternative agenda. Like the person telling you that may want you to believe she suffered more or that you have to take on her problems and ignore your own (or something like that). Comparisons are irrelevant with cptsd.

It's very painful to feel that your cptsd is being invalidated. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon. Standing with you.

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Enya

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Re: Being told to grow up and get over it
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2018, 01:07:43 AM »
Hiya skywolf,

I'm so sorry that someone said that to you. Comparisons when it comes to abuse and trauma are never a helpful thing. I think the person you were talking to was likely having a hard time dealing with their own abuse and recovery and projected it onto you.

But I know that statements like that can really sting, no matter the source.

To me, trauma isn't something I can get over, like a cold; it's an injury that I learn to work and live with. And then I can draw from the learning to reach out to others. So hang in there.

blessings,
enya

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briasmith12

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Re: Being told to grow up and get over it
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2018, 01:31:35 AM »
Skywolf,

TW: CSA --in white text so just highlight it to read.

I agree with the above posters. Likely she has residual trauma from abuse but hasn't dealt with it. Lord knows, if she had, she wouldn't be telling you to "just get over it".
While I would never tell anyone to get over their trauma, I have managed to live a "normal" life since leaving home and it has been a shock to some people to discover that I've never really been okay. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety, but I managed to hide it very well (sometimes even from myself). Oddly enough, I never noticed that I dissociated until I got married and spent a lot of time in the company of another person. I mostly manage to shove my feelings down and derealize to make it through the day until get home, which is when everything really falls apart and I'm exhausted and in physical pain. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally started being able to explore my feelings and not until about a year ago (year and a half?) when I got blackout drunk and had a psychotic break (legit, banging head against wall, etc.) that I began to be aware of those inner demons and the causes of them. My husband, on the drive home, said "How come you never told me you were molested?" and I was absolutely speechless. :fallingbricks: It was something I had pretended for so long had happened to somebody else, a different me, that I was astounded I had brought it up. I still can't remember that night.

If this woman is convinced she suffered "more" than you, but has managed to "get over it", likely she just means she's found unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal, whether she realizes it or not. The things you suffered through are not invalid and people haven't had it worse than you. Trauma is trauma is trauma is trauma. If being part of the OOTS community means anything, it means that we have all suffered, we're in this together, and (I say this, but find this hard to accept myself, so no judgement) none of us need to be embarrassed or feel broken or useless.  :grouphug:
« Last Edit: July 08, 2018, 02:18:07 PM by briasmith12 »

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skywolf

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Re: Being told to grow up and get over it
« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2018, 02:36:16 PM »
Thanks for all your kind replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone.  :grouphug:

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memorex

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Re: Being told to grow up and get over it
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2018, 04:41:05 PM »
I happened to call the samaritans yesterday as I was very low (not suicidal). The woman I spoke to kept saying maybe I should put things behind me, stop looking at the painful things and just move on.

I have felt so awful ever since speaking to her. I identify deeply with what you posted. Im glad you did post it, as the replies have also helped me a bit to remember the importance of my own journey and how I feel and to try to avoid people like that woman who seem to have a pathological fear of 'negative' things.