Wasted

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Debora

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Wasted
« on: July 10, 2018, 07:36:46 AM »
I am Noone and Nothing.  I exist, I breathe in and out, I wander in no particular direction except towards death eventually...having never been truly loved, having loved no one, empty, meaningless, purposeless. I spent 40years fighting, trying to get what I needed and vaguely wanted to hope I deserved....to be loved well, unselfishly, unconditionally and worthy of protection and safety. To be taught and shown that I had worth. A vacuum and yawning pain inside, always seeking the love and acceptance I didn't get and still need and forever being rejected over and over. Till I stop trying. Because now I know that to the race I belong, I am worthless. Its not fair, its not ok and its not right but humans are cruel and dishonest and disingenuous. Getting angry about it, no matter how justified, just results in more judgement, rejection and blame. Being unloved blazes like a neon sign on my forehead and instead of responding with love and care, humans use it as a warning to stay away. So I have empty wide eyes that stare off to nowhere. Frozen in fear that never got the comfort it needed
A husk of a human. Wasted.

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radical

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Re: Wasted
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2018, 09:15:54 AM »
I used to feel that way, and I know the feeling does communicate itself to others and affect how they behave towards you.  It's such a vicious cycle.

None of what you say about yourself being "nothing" and "worthless" is true.  What you have said about yourself is very similar to how the Nazis described those they interred in concentration camps and brutally murdered.   I am so sorry that you feel this about yourself.  It is completely unfair that your experiences have led you to feel this kind of pain.


What I can say is that changing how I feel about myself has changed how people respond to me and how I'm able to connect.  It is early days for me.  I'm just starting to emerge from self-imposed exile.  For me the difference has been actively seeking my own acceptance and love. of myself.   It is not easy and it doesn't feel natural at first

Don't lose hope

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Eyessoblue

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Re: Wasted
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2018, 09:25:54 AM »
Hi, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, I think to a degree that ‘probably ‘ most of us on here feel like that too to some extent.  Not having any love or attachment to parents your care givers is so hugely detrimental to someone myself included, it does leave you feeling lost in a big wide world, feeling like you don’t belong and your existence is worthless.
The only way I’ve ‘tried’ to pick myself up from this is by trying to find myself a purpose in life, by enabling a purpose it gives me some self belief that actually I am needed and wanted by someone for something.
By building on my purpose it enables my existence, I set myself small tasks so I have that purpose and feel worthwhile in doing something otherwise I’d probably lay in bed all day with my head under the duvet.
I totally understand how you’re feeling but you have to try and change your thought pattern otherwise you’re going to drive yourself mad with these thoughts, you’ll end up getting yourself into feeling more and more low and worthless about yourself and just be focusing on the negative.
I saw a counsellor about this once and she taught me to start each day waking up and visualising a garden path, you start taking one step on your garden path such as getting out of bed is step one, getting into the shower is step 2 you’ve got up and into the shower that means you want to get up and you want to keep clean, you build on each step each day so each step has a purpose and you see yourself walking further and further down this path until the path is really long every step represents your purpose in life and that you’re worthwhile. This should gradually build up and up so you feel like you have a meaning helping you to start feeling more positive.
I hope you start to feel better, are you seeing a therapist?

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sanmagic7

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Re: Wasted
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2018, 10:51:00 AM »
dear debora, such pain is jumping off the page, making itself felt.  i echo what the others have said.  when we haven't gotten what we've needed, it's step by little step to redefine ourselves for ourselves.  i know it's difficult, takes determination, patience, time, and perseverance, but i also know it's do-able.

i've felt battle-weary too many times to count, but i am here now to let you know that one more step may mean all the difference.  we really don't know what's around the next corner.  i'm only here because i kept taking just one more step.  i know you have it in you, even tho it may not feel like it, because you not only reached out here, but you have survived this long.

i am sending you love on angels' wings as a start to help lift you out of the hole you've been put into, not thru your own doing, but by the doings of others.   we are here in this together, and together we can make a difference for ourselves and each other.   hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you.

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SE7

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Re: Wasted
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2018, 03:16:45 PM »
Debora, I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  I think a lot of us with trauma from dealing with PDs have felt without love because PDs are incapable of knowing what real love is (and I'm not talking just romantic love but love in general). I was just thinking about this topic a little while ago too & then I saw your post. I was thinking how my narcissist family is incapable of loving me because they don't know what actual love is, all they know is manipulation, power & control. So I have to remind myself that when they're being 'nice' it is just an act, they don't really love me even if they think they do. Love doesn't cause us to feel anxious & afraid. Anyway .. you matter to us here in this community, so it's official that you have much worth :)
« Last Edit: July 10, 2018, 05:18:48 PM by Kizzie »

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Kizzie

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Re: Wasted
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2018, 05:30:12 PM »
Like SE7 and so many others here I did not know love because my family has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I took me such a long time to understand that I did not have the love I needed and deserved because they had a PD. It had nothing to do with me.  That helped me to see there are people out there who are capable of giving (and receiving) love, my family just isn't in that group.

The people here at OOTS, however, are in that group as hopefully you will see and more importantly feel as you read through this thread.  Maybe give it a bit of time and see if being here will help you to connect with others in a caring but safe way?