I've no words to give you, only support and empathy. Glad you're here. 
Thank you, Three roses

the little byline about CPTSD being injury, not illness reminded me of a new framework that has been developed in the UK which has as it's premise (and I am kinda paraphrasing) - it's not 'What is wrong with you?', but 'What has happened to you?'
I realized when I read your post how much I still automatically feel this way whenever I think about not being in contact with my family. I do immediately stop the thought because I do know they are toxic, will not change and that they damage my health and emotional well-being. But it pops up so it's a strong message we give ourselves and I understand the inner battle.
Yes - it is SOOOOO strong. It's incredible, really, just how deep the programming goes.
There is simply no way to interact normally with them though because they are not normal and that's how and why we ended up with CPTSD. The symptoms we have are the only way we could get it together enough to survive, a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, but life is about more than that and we deserve to let go and move on IMO.
Yes - it's truly becoming more and more realised in me that there is no genuine happy outcome to look forward to in this story. But I seem to need to work through steps of a process and I think it relates to needing to make decisions from a place of more clear insight and realisation, than from a place that is some combination of triggered and intellectual. Not sure if that makes sense.
What I have been practicing, with the help of my psychologist, is to work out primarily what is good for me, what my values and needs are, communicate without expectation and also know what my boundaries are and stick to them. Having MC via email allows me the space and distance and time I need to manage my PTSD responses and come back to things when I am ready. I have been learning a great deal from this that has been rich and rewarding, eg; learning to embody an understanding that I'm
allowed (gasp!

) to wait on a reply and respond when I am ready, and even that I am
allowed to decide things that others do not like or agree with. Finally understanding that I am allowed to do such (outrageous

) things is freeing me from layers of guilt and shame that would previously have either stopped me from doing them or haunted me if I had. And that's not to say the guilt and shame are gone (as referenced in 'schism' comment), but by giving myself more time and space I am more able to see those toxic responses more quickly and clearly and getting better at putting them down. There are other things, too, and somehow actually practising them with the people I'm most damaged by is helping me build something solid in myself and helping me be my own best advocate - I'm learning to value myself. Also, as I've mentioned previously, it has been extremely difficult to survive financially without my family's assistance, especially with my health being very poor, so I have felt that I have needed to find a way to be in touch and receive needed support, while also not compromising on my boundaries. It has been tricky and tiring and I often think the vigilance and ongoing management required in this set-up is not sustainable, even if doing so has been an intrinsic part of my survival needs. Basically, I still feel I need to work through the process and arrive at that point organically - that is, if I am to make that final, definitive cut, it is because I finally truly know and accept it is the only healthy way to move forward with my life.
What I'm working on is being able to stand my ground in doing what works for me and not doing what hurts me. I know that doing so is likely to cause a negative response from FOO, but when I communicate from that more grounded, clear space, in my own time, I feel more capable of backing myself. Having my psychologist onside helps enormously too. My 'strength', if it can be called that, is that I am willing to go NC, even though that guarantees my loss of financial buffering. Being more elderly and with increasing age-related health issues, my parents do not want want me to go NC (which is also a source of great pain and angst for me, as I would dearly love to be able to have more contact with them before they die, and am aware that them dying while we are estranged will also bring it's own set of emotional burdens). But my father, in particular, is always trying to push boundaries, take control and ownership (my mother has said and done really cruel and damaging things, but she is less manipulative). I am learning to interact on my terms and not allow them to force their way, and even though it is stressful at times, there is also something empowering in it for me - I'm starting to see their behaviours more clearly for what they are and not be drawn in. This is only possible with the email only contact, as I know trying to speak directly and/or be in their company would be dangerously messy for me.
Sorry if this is over-long. I was not expecting to write so much, but once I started I seemed to need to keep trying to articulate something. I'm also feeling a bit more calm and clear-headed today, so that is some relief.
Again, I appreciate the responses.
