[Hope67]

I am not sure if this has been posted already, but I read this very useful article today - on "How Narcissistic Parenting Affects Children" and I relate to all the things listed there.  The article is in Psychology Today and was originally posted in February 2018, it is by Karyl McBride, and a link is here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/how-narcissistic-parenting-affects-children
Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi hope, thank you for posting this, I have had a sudden realisation that this is how my mum’s mum treated her and pretty much how my mum treated me, I’ve never put that connection together before but has really given me something to think about and explains how generational behaviour works itself through the family system. Thanks hope.x

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue,
I am glad you found it useful too - I was just popping back to put the list of items that Karyl McBridge had highlighted - as I found it so helpful:

This is the list:

"So how does narcissistic parenting affect children?
    • The child won’t feel heard or seen.
    • The child’s feelings and reality will not be acknowledged.
    • The child will be treated like an accessory to the parent, rather than a person.
    • The child will be more valued for what they do (usually for the parent) than for who they are as a person.
    • The child will not learn to identify or trust their own feelings and will grow up with crippling self-doubt.
    • The child will be taught that how they look is more important than how they feel.
    • The child will be fearful of being real, and will instead be taught that image is more important than authenticity.
    • The child will be taught to keep secrets to protect the parent and the family.     
    • The child will not be encouraged to develop their own sense of self.
    • The child will feel emotionally empty and not nurtured.
    • The child will learn not to trust others.
    • The child will feel used and manipulated.
    • The child will be there for the parent, rather than the other way around, as it should be.
    • The child’s emotional development will be stunted.
    • The child will feel criticized and judged, rather than accepted and loved.
    • The child will grow frustrated trying to seek love, approval, and attention to no avail.
    • The child will grow up feeling “not good enough.”
    • The child will not have a role model for healthy emotional connections.
    • The child will not learn appropriate boundaries for relationships.
    • The child will not learn healthy self-care, but instead will be at risk of becoming co-dependent (taking care of others to the exclusion of taking care of self).
    • The child will have difficulty with the necessary individuation from the parent as he or she grows older.
    • The child will be taught to seek external validation versus internal validation.
    • The child will get a mixed and crazy-making message of “do well to make me proud as an extension of the parent, but don’t do too well and outshine me.”
    • The child, if outshining the parent, may experience jealousy from the parent.
    • The child is not taught to give credit to self when deserved.
    • The child will ultimately suffer from some level of post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and/or anxiety in adulthood. 
    • The child will grow up believing he or she is unworthy and unlovable, because if my parent can’t love me, who will?
    • The child is often shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent and will grow up with poor self-esteem.
    • The child often will become either a high achiever or a self-saboteur, or both.
    • The child will need trauma recovery and will have to re-parent themselves in adulthood."

Hope 

[Kizzie]

Yikes, that is so me and helps validate once again why I have had such a long road and difficult time recovering from a covert NPD FOO. 

So sad for those of us who grew up with NPD FOO    Thanks for this Hope, it's a great article for validating why emotional abuse/neglect are as insidious and damaging as overt and visible forms of abuse/trauma 

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
I agree it is vey sad for those of us who grew up this way.  I was interested that you mentioned that your FOO were 'Covert NPD FOO' - and I wonder if there's somewhere that defines what 'covert' means' - i.e. is there a difference and some people might be 'overt NPD FOO' - sorry if that seems like a silly question, but I am wondering if 'covert' is the opposite of 'overt' - or if it means something else.

Hope 

[Kizzie]

It is the opposite of overt or more obvious N behaviour. My FOO were quite concerned with putting forth an image of a happy family so we looked good on the surface, but it was just that, an image.  All of the things in the article were true for me, they were just disguised, cloaked in the guise of good parenting as the article touches on. 

Being raised by a narcissistic parent is emotionally and psychologically abusive and causes debilitating, long-lasting effects to children. It is often missed by professionals, because narcissists can be charming in their presentation, displaying an image of how they wish to be seen. Behind closed doors, the children feel the suffocation of self and struggle with loneliness and pain.

I've heard it referred to as "stealth narcissism"  which really describes my FOO to a "T". It makes it doubly hard for children and others to grasp what's really going on. 

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
Thank you so much for explaining that, and I relate completely to the 'covert' aspect - now I understand what it means.  I have read about Narcissistic parenting before, and related to it - but to see this list and to relate to each and every point on it - it really brings it home to me - but it's also very validating at the same time - because I realise that for those of us who have experienced this form of parenting, we're up against a lot.  It has significant impacts.

Thanks again for expanding on it - to help me understand better.  It also explains why others 'wouldn't see it' - because there's a pretense of normality about it.  I think the term 'stealth narcissism' is very apt.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks from me too for posting, Hope. I decided not to read the whole list atm because enough effects jumped off the page at me all on their own. I like the way K.McBride refers to 'narcisstic parenting' as opposed to narcissts. The emphasis is on how the parenting played out rather than whether the parents are/were narcissts. I'm still not sure about even undiagnosed diagnosis. But the parenting style and effects - oh, yeah 

I agree Kizzie, it helps validate the reasons behind a long, long road to recovery and how difficult it often is.

[Libby183]

That's it, exactly,  Blueberry.  I don't think that my parents were narcissists as such. But within the nuclear family,  as parents, they absolutely were. They were perfect parents and heaven help us if we didn't agree.

For my damaged  mother,  her children were the first things in life which she had complete power over, and she exercised this power, from day one, for all she was worth.

I read a quote that said that overt N's think they are great and the world agrees. OTOH, covert N's think they are great but everyone disagrees.  Hence abusing their children within the 'safety' of the family unit. 

Makes complete, but very sad, sense.

Love to all of us with imperfect parents.

[Hope67]

I like the way K.McBride refers to 'narcisstic parenting' as opposed to narcissts. The emphasis is on how the parenting played out rather than whether the parents are/were narcissts. I'm still not sure about even undiagnosed diagnosis. But the parenting style and effects - oh, yeah 

I agree Kizzie, it helps validate the reasons behind a long, long road to recovery and how difficult it often is.

Hi Blueberry,
This is a really pertinent distinction you've made, in my view. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

I read a quote that said that overt N's think they are great and the world agrees. OTOH, covert N's think they are great but everyone disagrees.  Hence abusing their children within the 'safety' of the family unit. 

Makes complete, but very sad, sense.

Love to all of us with imperfect parents.

 

Well said, Libby. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Really thankful for finding this forum as difficult as it can be to read sometimes, given the things it brings up.

This was a good check list of behaviour and feelings I can see in myself. It’s almost like stepping back and seeing my own feelings in the third person which is very helpful when feelings and can be so difficult to untangle. Understanding the enmeshment is one of the hardest things, sorting out where it all comes from.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I'm glad  you found this article helpful, and I'd like to welcome you to the forum, as I see this is your first post - people are so supportive here, I hope you'll find it a positive place to be.
Glad you found your way here.
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to say welcome to OOTS Dollyvee and that you're in good company with those of us who developed CPTSD/RTR as a result of parents with NPD.      

It used to be a tough sell (that the emotional abuse of being captive to someone with NPD was indeed big T trauma), but I sense that's beginning to change, perhaps because there are so many of us sadly and that we're finding one another and talking about the deep and debilitating wounds disordered parenting can cause.  Whatever the case, glad too you found your way here.   

[DingDingCrunch]

This is a great article! Thank you for sharing. I really love this channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw

It is helping me to be able to set better boundaries with my parents without feeling as guilty. I feel so confused as to who I am and what I like sometimes, I am so used to thinking of maintaining an image or helping others first. I also like Les Carter's books, and the book Codependency No More by Beattie.