I'm letting go

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Laura90

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I'm letting go
« on: July 12, 2018, 04:51:21 PM »
Yesterday was awful. I lost it in my therapy appointment. This raging monster comes forth from within me, it feels like the psychopath that I am becomes so enraged it breaks down my usual quiet, laid back, shy self and I become a lunatic. Throwing stuff across the room, banging head against wall, swearing and yelling so loudly.

I felt so ashamed when she said we need to think of the other people in the building.

And today has been a day in bed, crying, bawling. So much grief. The past few months I've been distracting, busying myself with  those supposed 'useful recovery activities' but looking back I wasn't allowing myself to grieve. I was forcing myself to do them because feel like I have to show people I really am working hard at my recovery. I feel like I'm in this position of laying out my hands and giving all control up. Accepting my flaws and imperfections and the grief and sorrow that goes with being me, and my past.

I've found an overeaters anonymous group local to me which I am going to try really hard to make.

I'm going to try really hard to let go, not let the worry of what I come across as, or how people view me, or what they think of me, but focus on healing. And not let those 'shoulds' dictate my days and hours.

I'm just so scared because I say all of this but come 2 days time I'll prob be in that dissociated one foot in front of the other, 'oh I feel fine ' sort of state. Sorry for this. I just wanted to write this down.

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Eyessoblue

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Re: I'm letting go
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2018, 08:18:33 PM »
Hi Laura, as much as you say you felt ashamed of that outburst yesterday, it sounds like a huge step forward in the right direction to letting your grief out, it doesnít sound like your therapist was particularly supportive to you if that was her response. Did she try and calm you down and explain what she thought was going on with you? The response sounded quite negative to me and I would have hoped that if I was in your situation I would have had someone on my side.
Have you tried punching your pillows at home my therapist suggested to me to do that which did help a little. Try not to feel bad about it, youíve released something inside of you and thatís a good thing, have you tried journaling as well this helps me a lot by writing down how Iím feeling, you have no need to pretend your Ďfine; if youíre not, if you can keep yourself in a safe place and do some grounding techniques of recognising sounds and smells etc it will get you back into the here and now instead of leaving you feeling dissociated.

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sanmagic7

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Re: I'm letting go
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2018, 10:16:05 PM »
i agree with eyessoblue in thinking that you let a big chunk of gunk out.  i know that pressure cooker feeling of simply not being able to hold the top on anymore and exploding in all kinds of ways i don't normally do.  looking back on those times, i really did feel better letting it out.

i think as we continue in our healing, we will become more aware of our emotions in the moment, and begin letting them out as they come up.  until that time, tho, i do believe that sometimes everything that has been pent up, shoved down for so long will erupt at times.  we've been taught so well to keep it 'all together', it's startling to see ourselves in our truth.

i think your t could have dealt with such an outburst differently as well, recognized it for what it was, and helped you to express it differently perhaps.  nonetheless, it's done now, you're learning something about yourself, and that's part of healing, too.

congrats on finding an OA group.  i've been involved in OA and found it very supportive.  i hope you do as well. 

be easy on yourself, kind and patient, ok?  these manifestations of years and years of unexpressed anger are all part of the c-ptsd beast.  you're ok, have nothing to be ashamed of.  i'm just glad you got it out.  sending love and a hug full of quiet, peace, and alternate ways of letting anger out (i pound my bed and swear a lot at whatever/whoever i get p-o'd at now.  it helps a lot).  i'm glad you were able to write about it here. 

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woodsgnome

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Re: I'm letting go
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2018, 12:31:41 AM »
It's a good sign, being able to release, IMHO. Granted, sometimes it comes up suddenly, seems out of control, or is simply painful. But it's natural and needed, I've found.

Too often I'd try and repress the emotions that were simply needing a way out of being held so tightly inside. Keeping it stuffed inside made it worse, and while there might be short burst of shame involved, I learned that it's alright to be vulnerable. Just to be me and stop hiding behind a mask meant a lot; I was afraid for so long of losing that control that only seems safe but really is more illusion than reality. I found it was safer (or at least more helpful) to just be me, even if it meant experiencing something I once would be ashamed of.

I hope you can find a way to see this and/or other outbursts in the positive sense of giving yourself permission to grieve and release/relieve the tension.