Wattlebirds journal

[Wattlebird]

Well I'm going to give journaling a go, I have never been able to journal before through fear of someone discovering it.
So why not put it on the inet lol
Well I figured no-one knows who the * I am here.
Well I just had a therapy appiontment about the 10 th visit.
I was diagnosed with complex trauma and anxiety disorder about 6 weeks ago, I have had many years of serious depression but I'm pretty good at the moment.
I learnt about dissociating today hmmm
It seems I dissociate when I feel angry
I am struggling to accept my experiences are real even though I have clear memories and clear symptoms. That Diane langberg utube talk on understanding complex trauma really made me feel like it was true and she understood what it was like - I thought I was just unhinged
I feel like hiding where no one knows where I am turn my phone off and just sleep
Well my very 1st journaling experience see if I can keep it up or if I freak out and try to delete any evidence I was ever here 🙄

[sanmagic7]

hey, wattlebird, thanks for posting.   i hope you find journaling helpful.  it's been really good for me.  very courageous of you to take this step. 

struggling to accept our experiences as real is pretty common with those of us who have been traumatized over and over.  we've often been told outright that what we've said isn't true, and unfortunately we come to believe them and doubt ourselves.  i've come to believe that anyone who causes us to doubt ourselves has done so because they have their own agenda going to keep themselves looking good at the expense of us.

you're definitely not unhinged.  that stuff has been all too real,  and our minds do the best they can to cope, including dissociating when emotions or memories, etc., become overwhelming.

i'm glad you're here.  i hope you find this experience helpful enough to encourage you to continue with it.  sending love and warm, gentle hugs to you.  you're not alone with this - we're all in the same boat here.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks sanmagic7 it's good to see so many people sharing there knowledge here it's a great resource for us with trauma histories thanks for the encouragement 👍

[Wattlebird]

I've been considering what the therapist said the other day about dissociating when I get angry - I really think that's weird I have no recollection of ever being traumatised when I was angry and really if it was a big enough trauma to warrant dissociation than it stand out in my memory shouldn't it? I have clear recollections many other traumas many at the hands of others anger . Wouldn't that be the cause ? She reckons it's to do with my anger 😬

[Andyman73]

Hi Wattlebird,
Hope you feel safe enough to leave your words up. You are so so brave to share them with us.  You can look at my journal if you like. It's not very big, as journaling isn't easy for me...not so much the words...which cause their own problems, but just doing it is hard. Can't remember to come everyday and make a daily entry. Though sometimes I do manage a few days in a row.
I understand your fearsss...I've been only knowing about my past for about 18 months. Almost all of it was locked away. Which sadly didn't help me not get hurt again, too many times.

We also know about dissocieation....happens sometimes when we get overwhelmed with EFs and other stuff too. Been having that all our lives, since little kid. Mostly remember it as lost or missing time, and not so much rmembering what happened. But know most of now. Sometimes wish we never remembered. But...then we would have all these things, EFs and so on and not know what they from.

When we dissociate, our conscious mind doesn't get the sensory input, so it then doesn't remember. Which also means we don't have some kind of mental break from what ever our mind was trying to protect us from.

[sanmagic7]

it may be that as the traumas built up layers, the latest of those layers became overwhelming and the anger took over to keep you intact.  that's just a thought off the top of my head.    those actual traumas may not have been as 'big' as previous traumas, but were the straws that were breaking your back, so to speak.  so your anger appeared and the traumatic event took a back seat in your memory.

don't know if that makes sense to you - i'm guessing here.  from what i understand about dissociation, it's a protective device.  our anger could possibly perform the same type of protection for us.  everything in our minds are so intertwined, and i believe they can both work together or at odds, but usually to the same goal - self-protection.

i have no doubt that if it's important for you to understand what's going on, it will come to you.  if it's not, then it's not something to worry about.  these things usually come to us in their own time when we truly need them.  sending love and a hug full of clarity to you.

[Wattlebird]

I find when I'm stoned I can think about things in a more realistic way - probably because I don't have all this anxiety skewing my vision of life. I'm more in touch with my emotions as well.
It's sad when you act more sensibly and wisely when your stoned than not 

[Wattlebird]

Well another therapy session today we talked about emotions she gave me a better way of thinking about my emotions - it's like I've got a phobia of emotions and we are doing exposure therapy little by little each week slowly getting used to sitting with my emotions.
I like this way of thinking I understand it and see the logic.

[sanmagic7]

sounds good to me, especially the part where it seems logical and makes sense to you.  i think that's the most important part of this stuff - if it makes sense to us, we can move ahead a lot more easily (my opinion).

best to you with beginning to sit with your emotions.  i think lots of people avoid them because of neg. experiences they've had with their own or with others' in the past.  it takes determination and work to get past that.  love and hugs.

[Andyman73]

Glad hear that at least when stoned, you have a chance for some clear headed thinking and reflection.

[sanmagic7]

you've shown a lot of guts in journaling here, even with worries about being recognized.  i've had that feeling at times, too, but i don't regret writing what i've written.  it's all truthful, so if someone knows who i am, so be it.  maybe they need to see the truth. 

glad you're enjoying your move.  i've just moved into a big house, and i've found it exciting as well.  still unpacking, but i've always been slow at that, so no worries.  lots of changes, but good ones.  sending love and hugs to you.

[Wattlebird]

Well just spent a couple of stress filled days travelling and visiting family - I'm so glad to b home, I'm happy and proud of myself I was sorely tempted to pick up an old addiction of mine but resisted the temptation. 😎

[Wattlebird]

Thanks andyman73 and sanmagic7
I missed some replys earlier as I'm still getting used to how this works but I really do appreciate the encouragement.
I've read small bits of others journals but it's all a bit triggering so I'm going slowly slowly and not pushing myself.
I like the idea of this journaling online being anonymous, I feel I can b honest and it's good practice in opening up to others in a relatively safe way. Not that I say anything too personal but slowly slowly - Pole Pole ( Swahili )

[sanmagic7]

congrats on your resistance!  well done!

welcome back.  moving right along.  i'm glad you're finding journaling to be helpful.  it's been a blessing for me - has really helped me with realizations and gaining clarity.  keep up the good work.   sending love and a caring hug your way.

[Deep Blue]

Wattlebird,
Thanks for reaching out to me when I was struggling.  May I just say how brave you are for journaling?  I've been on the forum for a bit now and I still don't have the courage to journal.

May I also say... I'm a lot like you. I don't do well with any negative emotions. I dissociate when scared, angry, and sad.  This had led to some strange sideways emotions that pop out once in awhile.  I've only cried 1 time in over 3 years.  It's not that I hold tears back... they just don't come.  It's easier to shut out emotions than to deal with them.

A wise forum friend told me that we need to feel in order to heal.  Good luck on your journey.  Glad you are here