Wattlebirds journal

[Three Roses]

[Wattlebird]

Thanks guys
Yes it's a roller coaster for sure, today I'm plagued with doubt and uncertainty
My back is out today so spent most of the day in bed, so I think my brain equated bed all day with depressed
I'm seeing the self destructive suggestions my brain keeps offering up because I'm moving too far forward and someone inside doesn't approve, I'm hearing "run" "get away" " hide" "quick" "hurry" "not safe""not safe""not safe"
It's a bit hard to ignore and no wonder I'm ruled by anxiety half the time with what feels like someone over my should whispering in my ear "sucker" how can you ever feel sure of your choices with continuous fear mongering in ur own head   
Anyway I'm hungry but my back hurts and I don't want to get up, I wish I was a wizard and could summon up a pizza right about now   

[Andyman73]

Yes I agree San today I'm more comfortable with that decision, thanks.
It's good to be reassured as I always doubt myself so much.
Hi Andyman
The CBD oil I have is equal parts CBD/THC it has been a tremendous help to me, it helps with anxiety heaps but that's the CBD don't use street pot as pot with no CBD exacerbates anxiety and makes some people quite paranoid. When I take it I find I can think thru my anxieties and there causes and make connections my conscience brain won't normally allow. I sleep much better.
I did a lot of research about it and discovered the benefit
It has allowed my recovery to go much quicker I am a big advocate
I have very similar problems with Drs.
It is a proven benefit to PTSD, though a friend I know who is a veteran didn't cope with it as he said it gave him tinitus ( ringing in his ears ) so who knows,  everyone is different.
Anxiety is so debilitating I hope you find a way to help deal with it 

Hi WB,
Thank you for sharing your experience with CBDs, I'm planning on trying some myself, in the very near future. I'm hoping it will allow me to be much more grounded and get better rest when sleeping.

[Wattlebird]

I have very little motivation today, actually I'm motivated to go back to bed. I'm dragging myself thru my morning routine but I really can't be bothered, what does it matter, it's like climbing a mountain with a big backpack, occasionally u need to stop and rest so u have the energy and motivation to keep going, it's so much easier to go downhill, so I think I've actually come up with a good excuse to go back to bed 
I need rest and recovery from the all this emotional upheaval even though it's progress it's still exhausted me mentally

[sanmagic7]

it's a lot of work, lugging that backpack uphill, so i'm not surprised you're exhausted.  sounds like bed and rest and sleep are on the menu along with pizza.  mmmm, it does sound good.

those 'run away' voices are only hot air.  your progress is good and righteous and beneficial to you, a lot of things that we haven't had too much of, so i think it's pretty common for them to seem dangerous.  in the past they might have been, so we did what we had to do to avoid them, avoid getting hurt again.

i say 'pooh!' to those voices.  you are doing good things for yourself, deserve to rest and pamper yourself. maybe a stint on the porch will be helpful.  i've got blackberry muffins and lovely tea to go along with your pizza.  just enjoy, embrace your exhaustion, and rest, rest, rest.  it will eventually be gone.  sending love and hugs to you, wb. 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San,
I ended up having a decent day after all, I decided to go back to bed I was all pleased with my decision, I finished my morning routine and ended up feeling fine, I did some gardening for a few hrs a few other chores, read a book and relaxed. The same thing happened last week - once I decide I can go back to bed all my anxiety leaves and I feel better and then I end up having a fairly decent day. Hmmmm there's something going on here, I will sit and ponder
It's more about feeling like I have no choice and I have to go and be productive and try to be happy and good and a good wife and a good mother and a good daughter while ur at it , I mightn't want to but that's bad luck that's what life is about! U have no choice   ...Bad Luck !
And when I decide not to I'm utterly relieved and end up doing something productive..... Wow that's messy
I feel like everyone has forced me to be this person who I am and I don't want to be her, and when I say no I'm going to do what I want to do, staying in bed which I know would be disapproved of I feel good rather than ashamed like I usually feel
Sorry started getting deep but I was on a roll and starting to understand what is going on- had a bit of an ef back there too 

[Andyman73]

Well Done WB! A little bit of self-reflection and realization is huge! I'm so proud of you!

And yes, any rest you take is far beyond well deserved, it's like owed to you! I'm so glad you took that route, and rested more before getting on with your day!

[Wattlebird]

I've really got a tired headache today but still felt inspired to go out shopping and pick up some stuff I've been putting off doing, anxiety is low, at about 1/10
But I had a night full of nightmares and flashbacks I ended up with stuff all sleep but my mood is good today 
I'm just going with it
I'm very up and down atm

[Wattlebird]

Thanks andyman it's so nice to have people tell me it's ok to rest, it's like saying I'm allowed to make my own decisions I just need to believe in that and work on doing what is best for me instead of what makes everyone around me happy

[Wattlebird]

I've just noticed how I struggle so much with being a supportive listener, I never know what to say and feel like I'm doing it all wrong, I want desperately to be helpful but have no faith in my ability to be so. I think it's a combination of a lack of emotional intelligence and a complete lack of confidence in this area.

[Sceal]

The words of support that you have given me in this downpour has been helpful and I have been very glad for them. Its hard to know what another person wants to hear when they need someone to listen, but if you say something that you truly mean then I think it's all you can do.

[Wattlebird]

Thank u sceal, this is obviously an issue for me as your words moved me to tears, a rare event indeed.
Thank you

[sanmagic7]

i echo sceal, wb.  your support for me is very appreciated.  no special words needed - the heart is felt.  i thank you for that.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San
I am so thankful for your words of encouragement and wisdom as well 
Journal
things are going great with hubby lately, 12 mths ago I was ready to leave, he pleaded to give marriage councilling a go, I had always refused councilling.
To cut a long story short I ended up in therapy and I moved to a separate house but we stayed together in marriage. We see each other daily and spend way more time in "quality time" we are both addressing issues from complex trauma and things have never been better, we're going so well. we went 20 yrs in this mediocre to poor relationship and couldn't work out why we couldn't be happy, we both have quite serious but similar trauma histories, we are both learning to trust and every day seems to bring progress.
I think living separately has made all the difference, we both need our personal space so severely that when we were in the same house our main goal was to get away from each other. Any way we had all sorts of issues as u can probably imagine, it's just so nice to be moving forward in life instead of being stuck in that dark pit all my life

[Andyman73]

WB, it's hard for those not walking in our shoes, to even begin to imagine how exhausting it is to live our lives.  Not just physical exhuastion, but mental and emotional as well.  It can really drain the life out of you. So, having said that, we do need to celebrate the tiniest of victories....washing our hair, or some other task that others would find trivial.